Penis Enlargement—Maybe For Real Soon

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Guys, tired of those reams of spam promising to make up for any deficiencies you may have in the love-making department? Well, modern science may soon come to the rescue of those feel the need to give themselves a little something extra. Tissue engineers are reporting that they have created working penises–for rabbits. "Our goal is eventually to treat infants and adults with birth defects, penis trauma, or penis cancer," researcher Anthony Atala tells WebMD. "But this is a future goal." Cosmetic enhancement will not be far behind.

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  1. Can’t wait to see the feminist reaction to this news.

  2. Can’t wait for my 18-inch wang.

  3. I guess if they’re attached to rabbits we’ll find out if they really work.

  4. Yech! Who wants a rabbit penis anyway no matter how big it is?

  5. Rabbits didn’t have working penises before?

  6. Jamie Kelly,

    I’ll get the ball rolling:

    It’s nice to see that scientists are working hard on this socially significant problem like penis disfigurement. Meanwhile, a few non-retarded medical researchers are working on more important problems like alleviating life-threatening and painful diseases like MS, MD, cancer, cerebral palsy, and soforth. Nice to know research money is being pissed away on men’s obsession with their disfigured and disappointing genitalia.

  7. Hmmmm.. I wonder, could this be used for actual foreskin replacement?

  8. There’s such a thing as penis cancer?

    ***writing check for cancer research***

  9. Smacky: actually it’s to prevent a terrible social affliction:

    ENZYTE-GUY-FACE.

    terrible. awful.

    (don’t forget Type I Diabetes and Alzheimer’s. And Pancreatic Cancer. and MS. i know you mentioned those, but i wanna mention them again. for personal reasons)

  10. Smacky: If your external genitalia were badly damaged and not functional, you’d probably want to have them repaired also. Just a thought. Don’t be so superior, it’s bad luck.

  11. This could spell the end for the lucky rabbits foot!

  12. ENZYTE-GUY-FACE

    VM,

    What is this? Do tell. (Unless it’s something like Goatse or Tubgirl or something awful like that).

  13. I don’t have any kind of problem with this kind of research. There’s definitely a demand for it. Who wants to live a longer life it just means more shuffle board and checkers?

  14. “It’s nice to see that scientists are working hard on this socially significant problem like penis disfigurement. Meanwhile, a few non-retarded medical researchers are working on more important problems like alleviating life-threatening and painful diseases like MS, MD, cancer, cerebral palsy, and soforth. Nice to know research money is being pissed away on men’s obsession with their disfigured and disappointing genitalia.”

    Smacky, EmmaJane beat me to it, but that is a really cold hearted nasty thing to say. Having significant parts of your body disfigured is a pretty horrible thing to happen to someone. I don’t see how money spent researching to help people who have this problem is exactly wasted by “retarded researchers.”

  15. Smacky,

    Have you seen the Enzyte commercials with “Bob”. He starts taking his Enzyte and starts walking around with this … look. It is supposed to suggest he is happier than everyone else thanks to his Enzyte enhanced love life, but it is just plain creepy in execution.

  16. Emmajane & John,

    Smacky was joking.

  17. John, (and emmajane)

    Fair enough, but I think there’s probably a much higher demand for diabetes research, cancer research, MS research, (I could go on…). The reason these researchers are doing this is for money, plain and simple. That’s their decision, but I’m not going to congratulate a cosmetic plastic surgeon for what great work he’s doing when I truly think he could have applied his surgical talents in a more helpful way, like operating on people with actual medical problems.
    I’m not saying that disfigurement isn’t an actual medical problem, but it’s not like it’s going to cause someone to cease breathing, the way that other medical issues do. I reserve my right to criticise this kind of research.

    And before you chide me for being on a moral high horse, once again, I’m not saying that disfigurement is fine and dandy or that I would enjoy being disfigured…I’m just saying I don’t think it is a high medical priority (perhaps unless it is cancer-related or impedes or prevents reproduction).

  18. correction: I don’t think it should be a high medical priority

  19. smacky,

    what could “impede or prevent reproduction” more than a lack of penis?

  20. Whoops! Phil was me, sorry.

  21. taktix,

    No penis would probably impede reproduction, you are right.

    Maybe I am on a moral high horse, I don’t know. I am just really suspicious that there is such a purportedly *huge* demand for this (as Yogi seems to imply) that isn’t cosmetic or vanity related. In other words, exactly how common is it to:

    a.) be born without a penis
    b.) have a severed penis

    (I am less suspicious that the rate of penis cancer is low, if only because cancer is unfortunately all too rampant these days.)

    as opposed to suffering from:

    a.) diabetes
    b.) spina bifida
    c.) MS
    d.) MD
    e.) heart disease
    f.) breast cancer

    and so on and so on

  22. “Nice to know research money is being pissed away on men’s obsession with their disfigured and disappointing genitalia.”

    The Adventures of the Man With No Penis (SFW)

  23. Maybe they’re following the “respectable actor” business plan (art movie, money movie, art movie…).

    Last year they made bladders for kids with spinal bifida. This year they figure out how to grow penes in order to fund the replacement intestines they intend to figure out next year. After that it’s replacement breasts.

  24. A large penis is a curse. That’s all I’m going to say.

  25. I am in full support of this research.

  26. I’m just saying I don’t think it is a high medical priority (perhaps unless it is cancer-related or impedes or prevents reproduction).

    Obviously written by someone who does not have a penis…

  27. I fully support penis enlargement research!

  28. linguist,

    I am in support of the research, too. I am in support of anything that improves the quality of people’s lives.

    I would only hope that my tax dollars aren’t funding it. I would much rather that my tax dollars go to a more pressing medical issue.

  29. Smacky, I think you’d be surprised at the incidence of congenital genital deformations. It’s just that, well, the guys that have it (and the girls) probably don’t want to talk about it so much. Not to say that there wouldn’t be plenty of ‘vanity work’ to go around, but that often helps pay for the other stuff.

  30. I fully support penis enlargement research!

    I knew all that “Size doesn’t matter” talk was bunk…

  31. smacky,

    You mean you weren’t joking???

    Wow.

    My apologies to Emmajane and John.

    smacky, do you not do anything “for money”? Is everything you do calculated to result in the maximum good possible for your fellow human? It’s easy to decide priorities for others.

  32. I would like to have the kind of penis that comes with a free wheelbarrow.

  33. “But this is a future goal. We are now deciding which animal model to explore next.”

    Horse.

  34. I’m with smacky–this type of research is wrong. Besides, I don’t want to lose one of my natural advantages to a bunch of rebuilt men. It’s like the naturally endowed women losing some of their edge to these plastic women. Not right.

    Linguist, this is payback for the “overflowing bra” thread, incidentally 🙂 Yowza.

  35. I wonder if this discovery could be transferred from rabbits to squirrels. Perhaps if our server squirrels got laid occasionally…

  36. PL,

    You got it! 🙂

  37. A large penis is a curse. That’s all I’m going to say.

    Oh really Warren? Who told you that?

  38. smacky, do you not do anything “for money”? Is everything you do calculated to result in the maximum good possible for your fellow human? It’s easy to decide priorities for others.

    Fair enough, fyodor.

    I can’t say that that point significantly changes my initial reaction, though.

    It’s a medical advancement, ok. Just not a widely advantageous one, from what I understand. (unless we’re talking about cosmetic enlargement, in which case — if most guys are like the ones I know (who harbor strange inferiority complexes about their genitals)– most men will have an operation like this in the future).

  39. I would only hope that my tax dollars aren’t funding it. I would much rather that my tax dollars go to a more pressing medical issue.

    There are far, far bigger wastes of your tax dollars going on than making life better for someone who may have serious trouble urinating or experiencing sexual stimulation, or who may feel intense personal shame from being deformed.

    I’m for privatizing pretty much all medical research, but that’s not happening any time soon. I’m not going to turn my nose up at something good that might have been funded by taxes, even if it’s merely making someone’s life less miserable, or only saves the lives of 100,000 cancer patients and not 2 million heart disease patients.

  40. PL: Well, maybe the plastodicks will feel wrong/weird/fake and look…not quite right the way breast implants do.

    smacky: I hear what you’re saying, but it’s not like that research isn’t being done, and I’m sure that penile defect research is taking up a much smaller proportion of the research budget. Plus, in order to reconstruct a penis you’re going to need to do some serious nerve work, as well as soft-tissue, muscle, it probably has implications for other reconstructive procedures.

  41. Of course, linguist, the advantage to a bountiful bosom is that the guys know that you are so endowed right up front. Women who view the larger male’s attributes usually have entered into such arrangements for other reasons–i.e., unless they are feeling around early, they don’t know, one way or the other. I was lucky enough to have a drunk girlfriend publicly announce her opinion about me at a birthday party (nice gift), but that was a fluke. Besides, it didn’t help later on, when I had to go through the usual rituals. It’s not like you can go on a prospective date and say, “You know, I have something large to show you”. I suppose that might work with some women, but not with most 🙂

    My girlfriend will probably execute me for this conversation. Just like Jennifer probably eliminated Jeff for his Star Trek sex revelation.

  42. It’s not like you can go on a prospective date and say, “You know, I have something large to show you”. I suppose that might work with some women, but not with most 🙂

    Someone actually tried a line similar to that with me when I was in highschool. I just averted my eyes and patiently waited for him to put it away. Then I gingerly walked away.

  43. smacky: Not every male has an inferiority complex. Well, okay, maybe most of us sort of do, but as my girlfriend has never complained I don’t worry about it. I dunno, I’m more concerned about being able to please my partner sexually than where Pequeno Tim falls on ye olde penile bell curve.

  44. Limbaugh’s show on the local affiliate has an ad for treating reptile dysfunction http://rhhardin.home.mindspring.com/reptiledysfunction.ram (10 sec)

  45. The issue with the “is it or isn’t it” of value arguments is that such statements presume a closed system of medical research…as if somehow a medical researcher who didn’t find ways to recontruct male members would suddenly be researching ‘more acceptable’ things. False choice I think.

  46. smacky,

    That’s absolutely unbelievable. There are times other men have been my best allies when it comes to dating, thanks to their stupidity (“Wow, you aren’t drooling or fondling me at the table–love you long time, Joe”) 🙂 Of course, guys in high school (my old self included), lack, let us say, sophistication. Even if sex is the main goal, certainly a little courtesy and couthness isn’t too much to ask. I’m amazed at how weird men and women get with one another. A little more straight shooting in relationships (even early on) would probably result in world peace.

  47. I was lucky enough to have a drunk girlfriend publicly announce her opinion about me at a birthday party

    PL, Hate to break it to ya, but just because your girlfriend tells you it’s big doesn’t make it so 🙂

    I know I know, she’d never fake an orgasm to massage your ego either, right?

  48. I never thought I’d see H&R posters deriding the invention of a monster cock. Misplaced priorities in research? Personally, I’ll take cancer and three more fat, veiny inches.

  49. smacky, make that “straight shooting” and respect. I suppose whipping it out could be termed “straight shooting”, though I was talking about openness and honesty.

    On the flip side of public indecency, I remain amazed at the willingness of women to flash men at Mardi Gras or at a number of the local events down here (like Gasparilla). I was in a Gasparilla krewe some years ago and saw things you simply would not believe. From non-pejoratively professional women, too. For beads! Huh??

  50. Personally, I’ll take cancer and three more fat, veiny inches.

    Now is that kind of talk really necessary, Jamie? Go wash your mouth out with soap. 🙂

  51. Not every male has an inferiority complex.

    When my ex-girlfriend and I first started being intimate, I asked her if she thought my penis was too small. She said not at all, and that out of all the men she ever dated, mine had to be “the cutest” she’d ever been around to date. That was enough for me and I never felt “inadequate” again, even after she dumped me.

    Therefore, a piece of advice to all the hetro ladies and gay gentlemen of H&R: Tell your boyfriend/husband that you love his penis and what it does for you. While we’re at it, you hetro guys/lesbo girls should let your lady know that you love her vulva.

    Let’s get a bid old genital love-in a goin’!

  52. Let’s get a big old genital love-in a goin’!

    Just try to avoid phrases like:
    “Baby, I love your vagina so much, I feel like I could just crawl up into your fleshy folds and rest my head on your cervix.”
    “Honey, your schlong is adorable, like a baby field mouse.”

  53. “it probably has implications for other reconstructive procedures.”

    That reminds me of a funny scene in Heinlein’s Beyond this Horizon – the government has tons of spare money to get rid of, and the favoured sinkhole is extravagantly useless scientific research. But as a senior bureaucract complains to a scientist at a party, there’s no type of research, however esoteric, that doesn’t eventually more than pay for itself…

  54. Little Big Man :),

    I’m not insecure. I know my place in the male hierarchy 🙂 Besides, it’s okay. I’m sure you have better hair than I do.

  55. “Cute” is not a positive in this context. Gary Coleman is “cute.”

  56. Women who view the larger male’s attributes usually have entered into such arrangements for other reasons–i.e., unless they are feeling around early, they don’t know, one way or the other.

    PL, I’ve often complained of this myself. It’s yet another of those things that’s terribly unfair. By the time a woman’s able to figure out what she’s dealing with, it’s too late to get out without both people losing face.

  57. I don’t give a shit about my penis size, but for those who obsess about such things, having a cosmetic surgery available to relieve their minds of that particular burden is hardly a bad thing.

    I like the analogy to women’s breast augmentation — for those who obsessed about having the “wrong” size breast (what an utterly absurd thought – that could be any such thing!!), being able to get that “corrected” means that they can go on to worry about other things in their lives.

  58. Well, most “wrong” sized breasts are the result of surgery.

  59. Fair enough, Timothy — I’ve always liked the thought that “any more than a mouthfull is just a waste.” 🙂

  60. (But, he hastens to add, that’s strictly a matter of personal preference…)

  61. Are you sure this hasn’t been going on for awhile now? It would explain the existence of phenomena such as Bill O’Reilly.

  62. An old adage I love: What’s important isn’t how deep you plow, it is how long you stay in the field.

  63. I just averted my eyes and patiently waited for him to put it away. Then I gingerly walked away.

    Exactly, 999 out of 1,000 girls would do exactly the same thing, and the other one would grab hold and lead him around the parking lot.

    The point is, that no woman ever reacts positively to being informed as to how generously a man is endowed, no matter how well she reacts to discovering it on her own. So, no matter how enthusiastically she would otherwise respond, there is absolutely no way to convey the information.

  64. Can’t we all just get a schlong?

  65. cecil,
    I was partial to:
    It’s not the size of the wand that counts, but rather the magic you can do with it.

  66. It’s a medical advancement, ok. Just not a widely advantageous one, from what I understand. (unless we’re talking about cosmetic enlargement, in which case — if most guys are like the ones I know (who harbor strange inferiority complexes about their genitals)– most men will have an operation like this in the future).

    If government funds are used for such research, THEN MAYBE I could see getting all apoplectic and morally self-righteous about “useless research” with limited (public) funds. However, if it was a private medical corporation funding their own staff, would regenerative research for penises be any “less important” than diabetes, etc.?

    How about moral indignation over the fact that MANY cases of diabetes, cancers, etc. are NOT genetic or environmentally based, but the result of controllably behavior such as stuffing one’s fat ass face, or smoking then crying about being a “victim” of tobacco companies when there’s a malignancy in your left lung. Hell, MY tax dollars for research in PREVENTABLE areas of disease is morally repugnant!

    Despite the locker room humor, there might actually be a REAL SCIENTIFIC reason they were examining reproductive organ regenerative research. Cells in different parts of the body have unique characteristics that differentiate them from other types of cells, such as cells in the inside of the nose/nasal cavity being used for research in spinal injuries.

    It might also be that penises are relatively easy to regenerate compared to other body tissue that is harder to regenerate, so they chose to work on a simple problem in the hopes to build a body of knowledge for more complex challenges, such as regenerating whole extremities like feet and hands.

    Hell, a lot of money is wasted on “female problem” research that I consider frivolous. Why is ovarian or breast cancer any more “morally important” than androgenic conditions? How about pushing a few bucks towards PROSTATE cancer research, if we’re going to be “morally” outraged?

    Dayum … I never thought I’d get this worked up about some other guys’ problems (cough cough) … LOL

  67. Nice to know research money is being pissed away…

    Don’t worry Smacky, I got it. Good puns are often wasted on the hoi polloi.

  68. It might also be that penises are relatively easy to regenerate compared to other body tissue that is harder to regenerate, so they chose to work on a simple problem in the hopes to build a body of knowledge for more complex challenges, such as regenerating whole extremities like feet and hands.

    And then they can apply knowledge gained in one area to another.

    PS: There was an adult film called Edward Penishands

  69. linguist, maybe a national organization could be formed for women. Guys could be labeled in some way, like “Certified Large” by Underwear Laboratories.

  70. Jesus, PL, the inspection process for that could be grueling…

  71. SD, wasn’t that the one starring Bobbit? LOL

  72. “Fair enough, but I think there’s probably a much higher demand for diabetes research, cancer research, MS research, (I could go on…). The reason these researchers are doing this is for money, plain and simple. ”

    I’d say that the fact that these guys think they can make more money off penis enlargment research than diabetes would indicate that penises are a bigger (heh) concern than diabetes.

    After all, not all men get diabetes, but we all have a schlong.

    Revealed preferences and all that.

  73. Jesus, PL, the inspection process for that could be grueling…

    Clean Hands, you don’t know the half of it. The “size” that women care about is the functional size, not the regular size. So the testing will have to involve. . .stimulation.

    On the topic of size in use vs. size while not in use, apparently most of the variation among ethnicities that isn’t attributable to the overall height of the male (penis size generally correlates with height) is in detumescence not in tumescence. In other words, many men waste a lot of time having anxiety in the locker room, when the comparison they’re making isn’t the correct one. Well, not in the locker rooms I go to, anyway.

    linguist, my revenge continues 🙂 Not that I want you to stop talking about your, ahem, advantages.

  74. Fair enough, but I think there’s probably a much higher demand for diabetes research, cancer research, MS research, (I could go on…). The reason these researchers are doing this is for money, plain and simple. That’s their decision, but I’m not going to congratulate a cosmetic plastic surgeon for what great work he’s doing when I truly think he could have applied his surgical talents in a more helpful way, like operating on people with actual medical problems.

    Geez, tissue engineers finally come up with something that’s both profitable and fun, and libertarians get upset! 🙂

    OK, here’s the scientific justification: A penis is probably a fairly simple organ to produce, compared with some others. So you start there, with the eventual goal of growing hearts, lungs, stomachs, etc.

  75. Ugh, thoreau, you may want some freaky penis heart, but I think I’d prefer death. Icky.

  76. Maybe there is hope that one day we’ll actually have wallets made of elephant foreskin and that turn into suitcases when stroked.

  77. Didn’t they already grow a penis some Russian guy’s arm?

    BTW, there are people who swear that natural enlargemnt works. I wouldnt know.

  78. Now if they would only stop the knee-jerk circumcision of male babies.

  79. When I blogged Ron’s embryos in heaven thing back in February, I deliberately appended a contemporary story about the creation of a functioning breast, to give women an extra reason to come on board. I would imagine any research costs on penile enhancement (and repair, let’s be fair) would be recouped many times over and would make possible further advancements. Women’s comfort and the location of their best spots will provide some constraints on pure size. The numbers should be interesting, though.

  80. Herrick, are you reading this?

  81. Women’s comfort and the location of their best spots will provide some constraints on pure size.

    Women’s comfort, schmomfort. I want my wheelbarrow penis!

  82. Women’s comfort and the location of their best spots will provide some constraints on pure size.

    There’s the rub, so to speak. The average distance from labia to cervix is 4 inches, and bumping the cervix is painful.

    Any advantages of size are purely psychological.

  83. Dicks today, arms and legs tomorrow.

    I’ve read somewhere that the main driving forces behind technology are warfare, pornography and games.

  84. Let me know when they have a penis reduction surgery.

  85. All I can say is that Arrowsmith didn’t write that song about me.

  86. Now if they would only stop the knee-jerk circumcision of male babies.

    Comment by: Phileleutherus Lipsiensis at May 25, 2006 09:36 PM

    Nope, still a good idea IMHO. The smegma, the junk that accumulates inside the foreskin, has been statistically shown to increase the risk of penile squamous cell carcinoma, bad news indeed. Still other things are more likely to cause penile cancer, so whatever floats your boat…
    Not to mention…smegma…just a snip as a neonate, and males no longer have to deal with that nuisance…
    ……………………………………..

    Hell, a lot of money is wasted on “female problem” research that I consider frivolous. Why is ovarian or breast cancer any more “morally important” than androgenic conditions? How about pushing a few bucks towards PROSTATE cancer research, if we’re going to be “morally” outraged?

    Dayum … I never thought I’d get this worked up about some other guys’ problems (cough cough) … LOL

    Comment by: BornAgainIconoclast at May 25, 2006 06:32 PM

    If you’re talking about male vs. female cancers, nope, you got that wrong because female associated cancers occur earlier while prostate cancer is SLOW growing is usually diagnosed around age 70 or at death (it’s so slow most will die of natural causes than of the cancer). And while there is a risk for impotence with prostatectomy, a hysterectomy or a radical masectomy with complete dissection of lymph nodes (you would even take out the pectoral muscles because lymph nodes draining the breast can be there) would really, really suck.

    Now, where did I put those delicious Jello Pudding Pops…

  87. Dr. Heathcliff Huxtable,

    There are conflicting studies on that, urinary tract infections, etc.

    And it isn’t just a “snip.” It is a painful, unnecessary procedure that puts a lot of money into the pockets of healthcare providers.

  88. what could “impede or prevent reproduction” more than a lack of penis?

    Bad breath? Collecting comics?

    Didn’t they already grow a penis on some Russian guy’s arm?

    Nope. On his forehead.

    This is basically the best news I’ve heard since the fall of the Berlin Wall.

    I am going to get me the biggest willy trousers and science will accomodate.

  89. The point is, that no woman ever reacts positively to being informed as to how generously a man is endowed, no matter how well she reacts to discovering it on her own. So, no matter how enthusiastically she would otherwise respond, there is absolutely no way to convey the information.

    Warren,

    Not necessarily true. I’m not sure women would react badly to finding out the size (which I think, as linguist already suggested, might save face much more easily), as you suggest, so much as they are reacting badly to whipping it out, which is essentially a way of saying, “here, do something with this”. (“Um, no?!”)
    I’m sure there are much more subtle ways of revealing size without actually showing it…some guys need to be more creative.

    Guys could be labeled in some way, like “Certified Large” by Underwear Laboratories.

    Pro L,

    I don’t think that would work so well, since, as we all know, like condoms, the measurement scale would begin at “large” and probably extend to “friggin ‘uge!”.

    (Hee hee…men’s fragile egos.)

    If government funds are used for such research, THEN MAYBE I could see getting all apoplectic and morally self-righteous about “useless research” with limited (public) funds. However, if it was a private medical corporation funding their own staff, would regenerative research for penises be any “less important” than diabetes, etc.?

    BAI,

    Agreed. But a lot of “private” research hospitals accept government grants.

    Thanks for arguing against me, everybody…I’ve read a lot of good points. (And this thread is pretty hilarious, too!)

  90. smacky, clearly Underwear Laboratories would have to be run entirely by women. So whether you call the various sizes Short, Tall, Grande, Venti or something more rational, the women who subscribe to the service will know what they’re getting into.

  91. Are they researching the possibility of clitoral enlargements?

  92. >snort< What they’re getting into? Other way around, I think…

  93. Clean Hands, I had already gone much further afield in offensiveness in this thread than is my wont, so I left that one alone. However, it is impossible to type the sentence I did without stopping and saying, “Wait a minute. . . .”

  94. 1)Research on one project more often than not benefits other projects

    2)Throwing more money( or people) at a problem does not guarantee a solution

    3)Someone researching Cancer, Diabetes, MS or whatever may be in it only for the money, while penis researchers may be trying to help mankind

    4)I new a couple of girls in college that did a lot of penis research

  95. “Herrick, are you reading this?”

    Herrick is running a squosh late. Evidently he was on his way here when he realized that he’d forgotten his balls on his nightstand.

    So he had to turn around to go back and get them.

  96. This enlargement stuff is kinda boring. What I want to know is if they could grow me a second penis, because I think it would be kind of cool to have two.

  97. That would be awesome. It would give you both clitoral stimulation and DP ability.

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