Celebrity Road Rage: Case Closed

Having been out of the country since Christmas, I managed to avoid not only most of the Alito hearings but a much more important story: As I predicted back in June, Galo Cesar Ramirez, the celebrity photographer charged with ramming a car driven by unhinged starlet Lindsay Lohan, has been cleared. When I made the point that this was an obvious frameup—with celebrities (the real and obvious menace to our roads) trying to create enough hysteria to get an anti-Paparazzi law passed—many of you, who clearly haven't computed the odds against your ever getting into her pants, gallantly came to Lohan's defense. The Los Angeles D.A. tasked with prosecuting Ramirez has found otherwise:

There was no evidence that photographer Galo Cesar Ramirez deliberately crashed his minivan into the 19-year-old actress' Mercedes-Benz, Deputy District Attorney William Hodgman said Wednesday.

"Based upon the damage sustained to both the victim's and the suspect's cars, it appears that although the suspect was most likely driving carelessly when he collided with the victim's car, it was not an intentional assault," Hodgman said.

The kicker, of course, comes at the end:

The crash was credited with prompting Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger to sign a measure allowing celebrities to collect large damage awards from paparazzi who harass them.

So the stars still managed to get what they wanted. Meanwhile, in the months since the original crash (which was far from Lohan's first automobile accident), celebrities have cooked up a rash of fender benders, including another one involving Lohan. In all these cases, claims that the Paparazzi were to blame have been debunked. We're still waiting, of course, for the international media to tell the truth about the White Whale of celebrity accidents: The drunk-driving-related death of Princess Diana—in which the Paris Paparazzi, despite the strenuous efforts of both the royal family and the El Fayeds to railroad them, played no part.

But I'm resting my case. The Stalkerazzi story is horse pucky. Lindsay Lohan should have her license revoked and Galo Cesar Ramirez should get a Pulitzer. Celebrities should be barred from driving anything more dangerous than a Malibu Grand Prix minicar, and the Paparazzi should be honored as the heroes they are!