"You've watched 40 straight hours of SpongeBob—get off the weed!"


Conan O'Brien reveals the future of television:

…all of these changes will pale in comparison to the revolutionary explosion of late-night talk shows. As recently as 20 years ago, Johnny Carson was the only game in town, but as cable channels continue to pursue niche viewers, new hosts will continue to spring up at alarming rates. At first, the economy will surge as families build desks, fake windows and bandstands in their basements, but before long violence will erupt as the nation's supply of available talk-show guests begins to dwindle. Dr. Joyce Brothers, Fabio and Randy from "American Idol" will be airlifted to guest-starved areas to quell violence, but anecdote theft and consecutive Al Roker appearances will turn the Midwest into a battlefield. Order will be restored when the Supreme Court (led remarkably well by Chief Justice Judy) upholds the One Host, One Guest law in Philbin v. Ripa.

NEXT: When the Only Tool You Have Is a Hammer

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  1. By the end of the article, Conan sez “If I’ve made even one mistake I’m certain the good people at NEWSWEEK, who never make mistakes, will refund you the price of this issue.”

    Now that’s comedy!

  2. I don’t care what anyone else says: Conan is still awesome after all these years. Well, at least he’s better than Letterman or Leno.

  3. I’ve watched Conan on and off for years now. Most of the time he delivers a great show (better than any other late-night show as smacky said). I just wonder if his antics will fly on “The Tonight Show” when he takes over for Leno in a few years.

    BTW, nice find Jesse. If this piece is any indication of his ability, Conan needs to write more often.

  4. Funny stuff.

    Nostalgia shows like VH1’s “I Love the ’80s” and “I Love the ’90s” will be forced to multiply, resulting in the smash hit “I Love That Thing That Happened Five Minutes Ago.”

    Apparently Conan hasn’t seen “Best Week Ever” yet.

  5. Sorry youngsters, that Conan kid just ain’t funny. Never has been.

  6. If this piece is any indication of his ability, Conan needs to write more often.

    For my money, the best indication of his writing ability is still the Marge vs. the Monorail episode of The Simpsons.

  7. what’s that called?

    conan is funny, but what’s bewildering is the whole leno/letterman continuum…what the fuck? how the fuck? where the fuck?

    the fuck?

  8. No doubt, Jesse. His Simpson’s stuff was top notch. I meant that he should start to write an occasional column or something like that.

  9. In the last week we’ve lost Frank Gorshin, Henry Corden, Howard Morris, and Thorl Ravenscroft.

    Someone is killing off voice artists.

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