Bring 'Em Off

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"It's just too sexually oriented, you know, the way they're shaking their behinds and going on, breaking it down… And then we say to them, 'don't get involved in sex unless it's marriage or love, it's dangerous out there' and yet the teachers and directors are helping them go through those kind of gyrations."

So says Texas State Rep. Al Edwards of the scourge of suggestive cheerleading. Edwards has introduced a bill reducing state funding to school districts that knowingly permit "such a performance."

The most dismaying part of this story? Big Cheerleading is enthusiastic about the legislation—no doubt hoping to regulate competitors out of the market:

J.M. Farias, owner of Austin Cheer Factory, said cheerleading aficionados would welcome the law. Cheering competitions, he said, penalize for suggestive movements or any vulgarity.

"Any coaches that are good won't put that in their routines," he said. And, most girls cheering on Friday nights were trained by professionals who know better, he said.

"I don't think this law would really shake the industry at all. In fact, it would give parents a better feeling, mostly dads and boyfriends, too," Farias said.

So the real losers will be the mom-and-pop cheer squads who insist on their constitutional right to sexy cheerleading. (Is there any other kind of cheerleading?)

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  1. (Is there any other kind of cheerleading?)

    Yes, at University of Michigan games.

  2. Must…watch…Bring It On…

  3. What purpose does cheerleading serve?

  4. you’d have to ask over at nro, mr david.

  5. Come on, Dubya was the sexiest cheerleader of all!

  6. “Any coaches that are good won’t put that in their routines,” he said. And, most girls cheering on Friday nights were trained by professionals who know better, he said.

    Gosh. I never knew cheerleading was such a science. (snark)

  7. Texans have too much free time and too many politicians. Any progress yet on dividing it? (Yes, I recognize the oddness of these words coming from a MA resident but I’m honestly getting out of this state when I start grad school)

  8. hooray! less sex, more violence!

  9. “the way they’re shaking their behinds and going on, breaking it down”

    Boing! Is it getting warm in here? He’s obviously spent a lot of time thinking about this.

    Killjoy fundies, always living up to laziest stereotypes about them.

  10. it would give parents a better feeling, mostly dads and boyfriends, too.

    How nice of men to speak out. You know what would go really well with a pair of pom poms? A burka.

  11. I don’t think this law would really shake the industry at all.

    There is a cheerleading industry? I need to get out of the cubicle more often.

  12. Instead of all this goofing around, cheerleading should go back to what it was in the old days.. women waiting on the sidelines whilst the men fought it out in the field, then come in afterwards to clean up.. tending to the wounded of their respective side, and cutting the throats of the enemies.

  13. “It’s just too sexually oriented, you know, the way they’re shaking their behinds and going on, breaking it down…”

    This is a problem?

  14. “Come on, Dubya was the sexiest cheerleader of all!”

    This may be the most opportune occasion to say:

    Kerry would have been worse!

  15. Al had another great idea a few years ago to cut of the fingers of prisoners, for what reason I have no idea. The papers had pictures of him with a little finger-sized guillotine.

    Here’s a link: http://www.corpun.com/uspr9103.htm

    Bottom line: Edwards is an crank who will never leave office because of his gerrymandered minority district is a Democrat stronghold. However, he is a known idiot within the legislature and is frequently ignored.

  16. Eryk:

    The really pitiful thing is that the Texas legislature only meets every other year. This is a holdover from the post-Reconstruction days, when Texans, agreeing that no man’s property is safe while the legislature is in session, decided the dumb asses could only get together and make trouble every two years. But instead of cutting down on the rancid ideas, it just gives them more time to fester.

    It’s not quite as bad as the “no thong underwear” business in Georgia recently but it comes damn close. No, I guess it’s just as bad, isn’t it.

  17. I did read the article, haven’t seen the text of the bill. Some questions:

    1) Does this only apply to organized cheerleaders? What about groups of students in the stands, dancing to the music of the band? Will they be subject to sanctions for “dancing suggestively”?

    2) Who gets to decide what is “suggestive”? No doubt Rep. Edwards will have to watch HOURS and HOURS of videotape in order to arrive at some guidelines. He will probably insist on personally reviewing the videotapes of all alleged suggestive performances as well.

    3) Apparently the bill would ban such preformances at all “extracurricular activities”. Presumably a school dance counts as an extracurricular activity. Will Rep. Edwards begin showing up at school dances with his camcorder in order to gather, um, evidence?

  18. Mr. Nice Guy,

    That reminds of the Welsh victory (under Owain Glyndwr) over the English at Pumlumon in 1401. After the battle (more a massacre given the moronic tactical and strategic decisions of the English) Welsh women roamed the field slitting the throats of the wounded and cutting off the cocks of the dead and stuffing them in deceased’s mouth. I wonder if Gibson is considering a movie about Owain Glyndwr’s efforts?

  19. Twba,

    You must not be a Southerner. 🙂

    And we haven’t even gotten into shit like “flag corps” yet.

  20. thoreau-

    if you’re out there – from the other day – asking ben about GG was part of the parody of equating you two. 🙂

    je m’excuse m. gunnels 🙂

    dieu merci c’est vendredi.

  21. ….I’m objecting to three specific elements of these cheerleading displays and here they are, from the ground up.

    One, vinyl boots. The nudity of a young woman’s leg is more than enough. A skintight red or white vinyl boot provides the already natural sensual shape of a woman’s calf with a most unnecessary enhancement.

    Two, the gap. That is, the intentional use of tight-fitting short shorts as an engineering device to distinctly exaggerate the external perimeters of a female’s vagina. The deliberate display of this vortex, in my mind, has nothing to do with football or any other sport.

    Three, the ripple or bounce. By this I mean the consciously designed exposure of the upper mammalial carriage, an exposure at times so extensive that on particularly cold or windy days, the embossment of the small bumps surrounding the aureola is clearly visible through binoculars from any seat in the stadium.

    Can the game go on without the boots, the gap and the ripple? I think so. So, cover up, girls, or get off the field and let the boys play ball. This is Dan Aykroyd, Strictly Speaking. Thank you.

  22. Kevin Carson–

    I believe your #2 is what is commonly referred to as cameltoes. I can provide links if necessary. 🙂

    Gary Gunnels–

    Amen. And don’t forget the baton twirlers!

  23. Chuck,

    Then there is Drum Corps (though some of the best of those come from California).

  24. “This may be the most opportune occasion to say:

    Kerry would have been worse!”

    My eyes! Aaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!

    “the embossment of the small bumps surrounding the aureola is clearly visible THROUGH BINOCULARS from any seat in the stadium.” Good stuff.

  25. Stubby: Hell, maybe the country would be better off if the Federal legislature only met every two years, on the second thought, make that every four years. The anti-reconstructionists in Texas were right. Your property is in jeopardy every time congress gets together.

  26. Mr Carson
    Since the purpose of playing football is to assist the players in getting to enjoy those vortexes, I’d say that their display is entirely fitting.

  27. Bad, bad, naughty naughty girls…. no you didn’t…. ooooh, naughty naughty girls shaking their butts at me… ooooohhhh…. how dare they flash their little behinds from under those naughty little short skirts… daddy Al’s gonna have to teach you a lesson you bad girls you!!! Naughty naughty cheerleaders need a good hard spankin’… oh, look at her boobies bouncing…. oooooooohhhhhhh oooooohhhh nooooooooooo!!!!

  28. “The really pitiful thing is that the Texas legislature only meets every other year. This is a holdover from the post-Reconstruction days, when Texans, agreeing that no man’s property is safe while the legislature is in session, decided the dumb asses could only get together and make trouble every two years. But instead of cutting down on the rancid ideas, it just gives them more time to fester.”

    It’s certainly true in general that no man’s property is safe while the legislature is in session, but in this particular instance, who has their property threatened?

    Here is the text of the bill. It doesn’t take away anyone’s property, but it does impose some limits on the spending of taxpayer money. If the bill passes, it will be harder to spend taxpayer money to support suggestive cheerleading.

    Oh, the horror! Without taxpayer funding, sexually suggestive entertainment will wither up and die! I mean, unless people *voluntarily* spend money on such entertainment, but that’s highly unlikely, right?

  29. You perverts act like cheerleaders give ten dollar lap dances during happy hour. I am disgusted.

  30. There was a great “King of the Hill” episode about the warring Texas cheerleading camps. I can’t remember who was right or wrong, but Bobby was savagely beaten — and, in a St. Paddy’s hangover day special connection, he also did the most insane “imitation” of an Irishman ever televised.

    As for the Cheerleading Industry, it exists. For some reason, my pediatrician’s office had a copy of Cheerleading magazine — glossy, filled with ads — and the cover story was something along the lines of “How to juggle being in two squads!”

  31. Ken–

    The headline is a typo. It should read, “How to jiggle, being in two squads”.

  32. Does anyone else think that the USA TODAY editors made a poor choice of photo to illustrate the story? 🙂

    Suggestive dancing while leading cheers could easily be stamped out by school choice. The nuns who taught us woudn’t stand for bare-midriff outfits, let alone booty-shaking. Funny how that didn’t curb our evil male lust, much.

    Kevin

  33. 1) Does this only apply to organized cheerleaders? What about groups of students in the stands, dancing to the music of the band? Will they be subject to sanctions for “dancing suggestively”?

    This is bullshit. Suggestive dancing is what I was made for. The day laws are made against suggestive dancing is the day I snuff myself. (Don’t hold me to that, I’m a coward.)

  34. This article had the effect of making me regret having skipped all the prep rallies at my school to hang out in the smoking lounge.

  35. From the bill: “(b) A school performance group that violates Subsection (a) may not perform for the remainder of the school year in which the violation occurs.”

    This is a solution looking for a problem.

    BTW, The Texas Legislature actually meets 140 days every two years. There are a lot of us who think it ought to be the other way around. Two days every 140 years.

    Here’s another jewel from this session. SB 1386, by Ellis, is a “semiautomatic assault weapons” ban that contains: “(c) It is a defense to prosecution under this section that: (1) the semiautomatic assault weapon is a firearm manufactured before Janurary 1, 1899;” [http://www.txchia.org/legistex05.htm#sb1386]

    I don’t make this stuff up.

  36. Larry A–

    So, then, if a group of students just jumps up and, uh, spontaneously runs out onto the basketball court and dances suggestively during timeouts, I guess that’s OK, since it’s not a “school performance group”. Or is it?

    smacky–

    The real question is, will you dance suggestively while wearing a cheerleader outfit?

  37. “(b) A school performance group that violates Subsection (a) may not perform for the remainder of the school year in which the violation occurs.”

    Curious to hear what they’ve got in subsection (a) myself. Is that where they catalogue all the naughty, lusty stuff they love to watch cheerleaders do?

  38. THIS from the state that brought us the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders???

  39. [(a) A school dance team, drill team, cheerleading team, or similar performance group may not perform in a sexually suggestive manner at an athletic or other extracurricular event or competition sponsored or approved by a school district or campus.]

    Who decides? That’s left wide open.

    Good thing this wasn’t the law of the land back when my high school A Cappella Choir did West Side Story.

  40. Chuck,

    I don’t think that term had been invented back when Aykroyd was on SNL.

  41. BonarLaw: [It’s certainly true in general that no man’s property is safe while the legislature is in session, but in this particular instance, who has their property threatened?]

    I believe the original folk wisdom was, “No man’s wife or property is safe…”

    In this case prohibiting a cheerleading squad from performing for the rest of the school year would severely depreciate their $600.00 uniforms.

  42. (I saw this on an earlier H&R thread. I’m going to customize it just a bit. Any Southerners here know of the Church of Christ–they mourn the fact their excellent Baptist friends are headed straight to hell.)

    Why don’t married Chuch of Christ folks ever have sex standing up?

    They’re afraid it may lead to dancing.

  43. “. . . prohibiting a cheerleading squad from performing for the rest of the school year would severely depreciate their $600.00 uniforms.”

    If that’s the concern, then the school could sell off the uniforms to other cheerleaders, or for that matter to consumers with an appreciation of schoolgirl uniforms. That should recoup any losses.

    Seriously, though, I don’t see this bill as violating anyone’s property rights, or otherwise threatening libertarian values. The very existence of government-operated schools violates pure libertarian values, but this does not seem to be the gravamen of the complaints I’m hearing here.

  44. To his Relevance, Mr. Boner, (Law)

    “If that’s the concern, then the school could sell off the uniforms to other cheerleaders”

    This is the first time I’ve seen the connection between sniffing rights and mining rights.

    “Dip, dip, and swing ’em back.
    Flashing like silver
    Swift as the wild goose flies…”
    (Old Girl Scout camping song.)

  45. “What purpose does cheerleading serve?”

    David,
    Did the Lady call you home for good and forget to mention it to you?
    Hey, it’s a Dilbertess universe.
    (goddess subscribes, but still doesn’t grok)

    Listen to your penis. It’ll do you good.

  46. If Suggestive Jiggling of Teen Flesh is outlawed, only Outlaws will Suggestively Jiggle Teen Flesh.

  47. Al Edwards sounds like the type of guy who hangs out in strip clubs and screams at the dancers: “STOP MAKING ME LUST AFTER YOUR UNWHOLESOME BODIES!”

  48. Bonar Law: [If that’s the concern, then the school could sell off the uniforms to other cheerleaders, or for that matter to consumers with an appreciation of schoolgirl uniforms. That should recoup any losses.]

    a. Other cheerleaders use different-colored uniforms with different insignia. It’s a Team thing.

    b. Your second suggestion would be implemented exactly once. Then the legislature would jump in and prohibit it. That’s what makes this kind of law worth nipping in the bud. Efforts to deal rationally with irrational law result in more law.

    Who knew back in the 60s when we started cracking down on MaryJane that my cousin with degenerative arthritus would have to suffer constant pain without adequate therapy because 2000s Drug Czars are going after compassionate physicians.

    [Seriously, though, I don’t see this bill as violating anyone’s property rights, or otherwise threatening libertarian values.]

    How about Pursuit of Happiness rights? Man shall not live by bread alone.

  49. Ruthless:

    “Listen to your penis”

    That would be a great title for a book.

  50. The One-Eyed Trouser Schnauzer Tells All coming to a bookstore near you.

  51. No, I think “Listen to Your Penis” works much better as a name for a band.

  52. My penis only talks to me in Morse.

    “Are you aware of the penal codes in this state?!”

    (Had to steal an old Kentucky Fried Movie joke.)

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