My Name Is Rob Schneider, And I'm A Rageaholic

I thought I was doing pretty well the other day when a writer whose book I had reviewed positively still thought I wasn't positive enough, and called me a "preening twerp" at this very site. But for really superstar vituperation, apparently you have to run afoul of Rob Schneider. Defamer captures the comedy stylings of a man unhinged:

My name is Rob Schneider and I am responding to your January 26th front page cover story in the LA Times, where you used my upcoming sequel to 'Deuce Bigalow' as an example of why Hollywood Studios are lagging behind the Independents in Academy nominations…

I decided to do some research to find what awards you have won.
I went online and found that you have won nothing. Absolutely nothing. No journalistic awards of any kind, Disappointed, I went to the Pulitzer Prize database of past winners and nominees…

Frankly, I am surprised the LA Times would hire someone like you with so few or, actually, no accolades to work on their front page…

Patrick, I can honestly say that if I sat with your colleagues at a luncheon, afterwards, they'd say "You know, that Rob Schneider is a pretty intelligent guy, I hope we can do that again." Whereas, if you sat with my colleagues, after lunch, you would just be beaten beyond recognition.

I have no strong opinion on the work of Rob Schneider, though he made me laugh in the underrated Kelsey Grammer vehicle Down Periscope. But what kind of major league fucking dickhead would a) use "you can't do lunch like I can do lunch" as a putdown; b) not realize it looks slightly low-class for a Hollywood bigshot to mock a reporter for being less famous than himself, and c) take out a fullpage ad to do it? K-Lo notes this one, apparently with pleasure (I can never tell what K-Lo's point of view actually is), and provides a handy pdf of the full ad.

Now I'm off to shout "Do you know who the fuck I am?" at the shoeshine guy down the street.

Comments

[NoStar]

Yay Tim. Yooo Can dooo it!

[joe]

Do you?!? DO YOU!?!

[thoreau]

I'm not a rageaholic. I just think that when somebody apologizes to me he should do it sincerely. Especially if the apology is part of his 12 step program. But for some reason, everybody insists that I go to these meetings! I don't have a problem!

Even stranger still, the last time I went to a meeting I ran into a few friends with germ issues going to a meeting down the hall.

(If you aren't a Seinfeld fan you won't know what I'm talking about.)

[joe]

I'm a goddam fucking city- city planner! That'sh who!

[Ron Hardin]

K-Lo is the official NRO tight-ass.

[Ken Shultz]

Some people are both rational and funny. Some people are just funny. No one should presume that just because they're funny, they're smart.

...And just because they worked their way into a ton of cash and just because they get to pick from an elite list of females to...well...whatever, and just because everybody smiles at them on the way to the VIP room at the Lakers game, well, that doesn't mean they're smart either. They may already have everything that a lot of smart people work their whole lives for but...um...hell--I can't think of a good way to end this sentence.

I think the hardest I've laughed in the last ten years was during a Rob Schneider appearance on Conan. As I remember it, Schneider came out and claimed to have renounced comedy forever. He said he had become an animal trainer. He proceeded to perform various tricks with different animals...

...It was hilarious--he's probably at his best live.

Anyway, Cavanaugh's definitely a better comedian than Schneider is a journalist. For what it's worth, I bet I'm a lot better than Schneider at developing commercial real estate.

[Ken Shultz]

And speaking of humor--joe.

We have a deal in processing. Last week, some guy came in and showed the planner this digitized flyover of his project on a laptop--it's like a 3" X 5" window.

Now the planner wants everybody to present a worthless digital flyover of their project!

--we got a quote, and they want $25,000 to digitize our plan! Now that's funny.

[isildur]

I didn't know who Schneider was, so I IMDB'ed him.

What a worthless resume. Bunch of shitty Adam Sandler flicks, bunch of those crappy uncomfortable hijinx-comedies. The fucking Hot Chick. Ok.

I dunno a damn thing about the reporter, but what an incredibly fragile and overstuffed ego this guy must have to take out a full page ad to bitch about what someone said about him.

Schneider, in case you read this: If you ate lunch with my friends, they'd hold you in contempt for your shitty movies, and after lunch there would be an uncomfortable silence while they waited for you to leave.

[thoreau]

I'm a goddam fucking city- city planner! That'sh who!

No, you're going to be an architest. With the firm of Vandalay and Sons.

[Nobody Important]

Now I'm off to shout "Do you know who the fuck I am?" at the shoeshine guy down the street.

Posted by Tim Cavanaugh at 07:56 PM

Aren't you the guy who did the songs "99 Dead Baboons" and "The ABCs of Dead Russian Leaders" back in the mid-1980s.

[digamma]

I think we need The Sensitive Naked Man to make peace here.

[K-Lo]

Is Rob Schneider that wormy turd with diverticulitus from Saturday Nite Live?
If not, nevermind.

[digamma]

The Sensitive Naked Man

[Slag]

Whereas, if you sat with my colleagues, after lunch, you would just be beaten beyond recognition.

By whom? The dude from The Mummy?

[Tim Cavanaugh]

Aren't you the guy who did the songs "99 Dead Baboons" and "The ABCs of Dead Russian Leaders" back in the mid-1980s.

No. Look at the spelling. You can't spell "fuck" or "Cavanaugh" without U.

That guy is the bane of my existence. Actually, his existence is my bane.

[Gary Gunnels]

He did a pretty good job in Fifty First Dates. I found the part where he was beaten with a bat especially funny. 🙂

[Patrick]

But for really superstar vituperation, apparently you have to run afoul of Rob Schneider.

Actually, I think this letter is Rob Schneider's "sense of humor" at play. The use of the word "luncheon" gives it away. I have no opinion of his movies myself, having never seen one, but if his SNL years are any indication, they won't be terribly funny.

[crimethink]

The Robster. Gettin' his ego popped. Rob-A-Dob in the Tub. Doin' some research. Makin' some copies.

Bob-aloney. Bob, Bob, Bob of the Jungle. Writin' a letter.

[digamma]

I'd like to know how Orgasm Guy feels about all this.

[CTD]

First of all, since I've seen this mentioned here and on BoingBoing, I think it's great promotion.

There is also a dose of Hollywood backstory that must be taken into account - Patrick Goldstein is kind of the Robert Fisk of Hollywood, and may well be beaten by any given group of people who actually work in the industry.

Also, Schneider's run on the Late Late Show, "Too Late for Dick", was a Kaufmanesque masterpiece.

[Douglas Fletcher]

I recently had a person in the course of my making a living say to me something like "do you know who the fuck I am?"

Funny thing is even after he told me who the fuck he was I still didn't know who the fuck he was.

[Orgasm Guy]

I'm too busy making my 'O' face...

Oh, Oh, Oh, Ooooh!

[Matt]

Aw, c'mon! The letter is actually pretty funny. Schneider isn't trying to prove his dick is bigger, he's ... well, promoting his upcoming movie. But to do that he's putting out some funny, or at least harmless, stuff in his newspaper ads. Patrick has it right, above.

[Patrick]

Makin' some copies.

Perfect example. For the life of me, I don't see how that was funny. Just stoopid.

[Thomas Paine's Goiter]

For what it's worth, I bet I'm a lot better than Schneider at developing commercial real estate.

But can you hang with him at lunch?

[dagny]

This looks to me like a very successful promotion, especially if you realize that it does not end with the luncheon comment, it ends with "Deuce Bigalow: European Gigalo" in theatres everywhere August 2005.

The funny thing is the journalist making a crack about "the Deuce Bigalow sequel" not receiving an Oscar. While it's a safe bet that it WON'T receive any Oscar nods (since even the most sophisticated comedies tend not to) the main reason would be that IT'S NOT OUR YET. It seems odd to insult a movie that won't come out for another eight months for not getting any awards.

[b-psycho]

K-Lo is the official NRO tight-ass.

With a name like hers, it's a damn shame that she's (more than likely) not a member of the Badoonkadoonk Club. A tight, round, bubble of an ass always gets a thumbs-up from me...or some other appendage :^)

[Dr. Van Nostrand]

I've seen cases like this at the Clinic. It would be interesting to see what's in his file. Perhaps Mr. Schneider should make an appointment.

[cdunlea]

"But can you hang with him at lunch?"

Don't know, I bet I couldn't supersize that ego of his though.

Oh, and don't forget "Judge Dredd". His career/filmography reminds me of Pauly Shore. A waste of $9.50 plus popcorn.

[dhex]

judge dredd kicks ass.

[Stevo Darkly]

Well, I read the links and was relieved to realize that Rob S. is not actually attacking Our Tim Cavanaugh but LA Times reporter Patrick Goldstein. I was confused at first.

Perhaps Rob's movies are not Oscar material, but they do tend to make me laugh. He can be a funny mother-effer.

I tend to think the ad was fueled not by genuine rage but by a desire to publicize his next movie, and seizing upon any merest opportunity to do so. Although the ad isn't especially funny.

Maybe this is the first shot in a coming feud between R.S. and the journalistic community, mostly for entertainment and publicity purposes (like pro wrestling feuds).