Burn In Hell, Dr. Atkins!


First the South Beach Diet (a "good-carb" knockoff of Atkins' artery-clogging original) nearly kills former President Clinton. Now the maker of Twinkies and Wonder Bread is going bankrupt. Sure, the Official Story is all about oversized loans and an investigation into the reserve fund, but I know who's killing Interstate Bakeries Corp: a nation of wheat-phobic pansies afraid to chow down on the snacks that won World War II. J'accuse! And you too, Morgan Spurlock and John Banzhaf: When the Red Chinese raise their flag over D.C., I hope you'll take a bow.

NEXT: Bush at the UN

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  1. I was thinking of asking you guys when you’d start a low-carb version of Reason, but thought I’d get my ass kicked. I don’t even watch TV and I’m sick of the shit.

    No loss on losing Wonderbread or Twinkies though. Now, Zingers on the other hand…

  2. That’s some funny shit, Tim.

  3. How will the cause of science be advanced when there are no T.W.I.N.K.I.E.S.?

  4. Wonderbread sucks. And the only interesting thing about Twinkies is the urban legend associated with them, the so-called “Twinkie Defense.”


  5. What’s more, the low-carb jehadis have derailed Krispy Kreme’s expansion plans in the northeast. I’d have to drive 20 miles if I wanted something better than Dunkin Donuts’ sad excuse for a glazed.

    On the other hand, the cheese industry isn’t complaining:


  6. As long as I can get my Little Debbie snack treats I’ll live without Ding Dongs and Ho Ho’s. Little Debbie is the only girl I can trust….she’s always sweet and sometimes crunchy.

  7. As long as I can get my Little Debbie snack treats I’ll live without Ding Dongs and Ho Ho’s. Little Debbie is the only girl I can trust….she’s always sweet and sometimes crunchy.

  8. Cavanaugh, you are a shill for Big Bread.

  9. So this is a fight between The Big Bread and The Big Cheese?

  10. When Americans can no longer snack on cellulose sponges filled with Crisco and sugar, and cannot buy a loaf of bread that can be compressed into the volume of a dried pea, we’ll at least know that Tim Cavanaugh and Reason their best to keep it from happening. Ramble on Reasonoids. Maybe you don’t hate America afterall.

  11. Wonder Bread toast with Nutella spread is a damned tasty dessert. If Interstate can’t get their financial house in order, I hope someone else makes Wonder Bread with the original recipe.

  12. They can take my Krispy Kreme doughnuts when they to pry them from my cold dead hands!

  13. “Little Debbie is the only girl I can trust”

    Ditto. As far as factory-processed baked goods go, the German Chocolate cookie rings are in a league of their own. The Nutty Bars are pretty good too.

  14. Isn’t strange that you can like something so much even though you know it is so much crap?

    I myself get a craving every couple of years or so for canned vienna sausages. The first one taste oddly delicious but by the fourth one I am gagging and retching. A couple of years later, I am doing the same thing.

  15. Shannon-
    Buy a can of those little Pillsbury crescent rolls, wrap one roll around each leftover sausage, and bake ’em for however long the directions on the Pillsbury can call for. Not bad, though not nearly as good as Wonder Bread and Nutella.

  16. Suddenly, I have a craving for Twinkies. Too little, too late, I suppose…

  17. Host me no Hostesses. Give me Drake’s Cakes. The Ding Dong is a mere pretender to the throne of not even the Ring Ding, but the Ring Ding Jr. Tastycakes make the cut, too. There is another trustworthy lady, the fair Dolly Madison. Snoopy and the Peanuts gang like her, too.

    When fancier fare is required, bring out the Entenmanns.

    Hostess had one good thing going for them. The Justice League and the Avengers seemed to like them quite a bit.



  18. Day by Day Cartoon, sadly now on hiatus, had a character a few weeks back reading a book titled “Eat What You Want and Die Like a Man.”

  19. Wasn’t Atkins itself an extremist knockoff of “The Zone?”

  20. Atkins was a contemporary of Nathan Pritikin, and issued his first books years before the Zone came around.

  21. Krispy Kremes, god those are the most awful donuts I ever et that didn’t come in plastic. Yuk.

  22. Nutella, Wonder Bread, Vienna sausages…you are all sluts and morons.

    Cheese doodles are the only food we Homo sapiens were meant to consume. And they turn your fingers an oh-so-attractive shade of light orange.

    Doodles, of course, should always be topped off with a pint of Godiva Belgian chocolate ice cream.

    Salt, then sugar….that’s how you MUST eat. It’s in the Bible.


  23. WLC,

    No loss on losing Wonderbread or Twinkies though. Now, Zingers on the other hand…

    Hostess bought out Dolly Madison a few years back and makes Zingers now.

  24. I still think the best scene in Die Hard is Sgt. Al (?) reciting the ingredients to the Hostess Twinkie, without consulting the label. And as for Krispy Kremes, I just love those little artey clogging, diabetes inviting, heart destroying, golden browm gems. People lived better when they weren’t so concerned about living longer, better lives. Now, where are my nachos?

  25. Oh god, this is terrible news.

    NUTEEELLLLLLAAAAAAAAAA!!! How I loved it and all it’s creamy chocolate penut butterness…

    [shakes first at the great scorer]

    On a brighter note, kind of, and relating to Atkins: I lost like ~70 lbs over the summer by eating low carb. In fact, I didn’t eat much of anything…..

    Huh-huh, guess how I did that?!

    [insert big, shit eating grin]

    (Wicki-wicki-wicki-Frank-izle to my Pizz-le…)

    BTW, I will never stop eating churros. Ever. Done deal, sealed with stamps, and rubber… and rubber stamps, and enevelope glue, and bloody paper cut tongues.

    It’s the best kind of deal. Well, except….. Hah, I’m a man of numerous interests, so you know what? Nevermind.

    Carbs are some good, shit, though. I will cry a tear when they leave our diet and we all die of constipation like Dr. Atkins (or was in constipation and hypothermia? It matters not).

    Damn this damnstrosity….

  26. >Hostess bought out Dolly Madison a few years back and makes Zingers now.

    >Comment by: Captain Spaulding at September 23, 2004 12:40 AM

    Maybe there is a God in the Universe.

  27. Mona:

    Cheeze Doodles are good, but Cheetos (baked) are also excellent. An orange-fingered state is achieved in either case.

    Ah, but for Cheez Waffies!


    Those folks at Wise know their junk food!

    Now for a debate of Ginger/MaryAnn – Oreo/Hydrox – Nestle/Hershey proportions, pick between Cheez-Its and Cheese Nips.

    (Cheez-Its, Oreos, Nestle and I should be so lucky.)

  28. Shannon Love,

    If you’re going to buy something that is not particularly healthy, at least buy something that tastes good. Try artichokes in olive oil for dipping purposes. Or apple clafoutis. Or perhaps a little cervelle de canut.

  29. Captain Spaulding, et.al., you obviously have not benefited from my previous reporting on the subject:


  30. How could this happen? Even in an Atkins-crazed era, Twinkies are iconic. At state and county fairs across the country a couple years ago, Deep-Fried Twinkies on a Stick were introduced to great acclaim and continue to sell like crazy wherever people gather to ride Tilt-a-Whirls (although they now face competition from the inevitable Deep-Fried Oreos).

    But never fear: The KC Star reports that the turnaround expert brought in as IBC’s new CEO says the Hostess and Wonder brands continue to thrive and “will live on, although whether it’s at Interstate or elsewhere will be determined by the restructuring of the company…”

  31. “Try artichokes in olive oil for dipping purposes.”

    You don’t seem to understand how this game is played, Frenchman.

    “People lived better when they weren’t so concerned about living longer, better lives.”

    The secret to happiness is to run for an hour or so a day. Once you get in shape, you can cover 8-10 miles, which means you can eat or drink whatever the hell you want – 5000 calories worth a day.

  32. Careful, libertarians — your nostalgia might start a drive to make Twinkies a national treasure and thereby give the Feds reason to prop up (or assume control of) Interstate Bakeries, a la Amtrak.

    As for this newfangly Atkins diet destroying America’s post-WWII love of snack foods, it should be noted it’s similar to a very popular 1950s weight-loss program, The Drinking Man’s Diet: eggs, bacon, steaks, and dry martinis.

    Olives: Zero net carbs.

  33. The Food Fascists have always insisted that Twinkies had a shelf life of 50 years. Worse, they were so artificial that, left to their own devices, even rats wouldn’t eat them.

    Exhibit A, a clawed and chewed pantry door, rendered impotent by the desperation of a critter(s) ravaged with insatiable hunger.

    Exhibit B, a Costco size box of Twinkies, ripped, shredded, and destroyed in a frenzied orgy of consumption by, you guessed it, RATS.

    The inescapable conclusion of anyone paying attention is that rats will, indeed, eat Twinkies, no matter that the term ‘ghastly’ scarcely begins to describe what is being eaten.

  34. Shannon Love,

    I go through the same thing with those Patio chicken burritos, with the strangely addictive gravy in them.


    I think Atkins was an updated version of the Stillman diet from the ’70s.

  35. The Scots in my department have introduced me to their favorite delicacy, deep-fried Snickers bars.

    No, really. I am telling the truth. Google it or something.

    Oh, incidentally I can’t stand them. But what creativity.

  36. Twinkies? Naaaaaah.
    Little Debbie? Fuhgeddaboutit.
    Tastykake? YEEEEEEEEEEEES!
    (And go Iggles)

  37. So much for *FREE MARKETS*. Nobody whined when Wonderbread put hundreds, if not thousands, of mom&pop bakeries out of business! As for Atkins, it’s the “Anti-P.C.” diet. I lost and have kept off 25 pounds without cravings, my cholesterol dropped 30 points to 195 and triglycerides are in the cellar. Clinton was literally “Mac’in’ Out” long before he started on South Beach. As for commie pansies afraid of wheat, give me good ‘ol red blooded American Angus any day… save the grain for the cows. Kill it and grill it!

  38. “Oh, incidentally I can’t stand them. But what creativity.”

    You can’t stand what? The Scots or the Snickers?

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