Porn Invasion

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"Porn Is Invading Home, Work," warns the headline. "With Sites Just Click Away, Addiction Has Become Big Concern." The story opens with two scary anecdotes: one about a guy who repeatedly tried to kill his wife after fighting with her about Internet porn, the other about a guy who shot his boss after being suspended because of "inappropriate material" on his office computer. The rest of the article explores the question of whether porn made them do it. Along the way, it compares dirty pictures to heroin (three times), vists a 12-step group for porn addicts, emphasizes that looking at porn is an equal-opportunity affliction, and catalogs the fallout: wife beating, rape, murder, strained relationships, college girls who can't get any because they don't compare to porn stars, grogginess at work because of late-night masturbation sessions.

Now the hard part: Is this a parody from The Onion, or a real newspaper story?

[Thanks to Jeff Schaler for the link.]

NEXT: Lincoln-Douglas Redux?

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  1. The Deseret News needs to get with the cyber-program. How can you publish a story like that, and not publish any links?

    Kevin

  2. “… grogginess at work because of late-night masturbation sessions…”

    I wonder if anyone’s actually been inspired enough to use that as an excuse to the boss for snoozing in front of the computer terminal.

    boss: You feeling okay, Jim? You were asleep there, you know.

    Jim: Oh, jeez, I’m sorry. Had a real heavy whackoff session last night, I guess I didn’t get enough…sleep.

    boss: Well, you better get that under control or I’ll have to start the paperwork…

  3. “To conservative Christians, pornography has long been viewed as a gateway to baser sins, such as adultery and rape.”

    I grew up as a conservative Christian, and I heard a lot of things I don’t believe anymore. I heard that cigarettes were a gateway to marijuana, and I heard that marijuana was a gateway to other drugs. I heard that dancing is a gateway to “heavy petting”, and that “heavy petting”, in turn, is a gateway to sex, but I never heard anyone say that pornography was a gateway to rape. That’s ridiculous.

    “…she writes. “The onslaught of porn is responsible for deadening male libido in relation to real women, and leading men to see fewer and fewer women as ‘porn-worthy.’ Far from having to fend off porn-crazed young men, young women are worrying that as mere flesh and blood, they can scarcely get, let alone hold, their attention…For how can a real woman possibly compete with a cybervision of perfection, downloadable and extinguishable at will, who comes, so to speak, utterly submissive and tailored to the consumer’s least specification?”

    We’ve been tailoring public policy to meet the whims of soccer moms for years; now we’re going to let college age girls in on the fun? Maybe whoever wrote and edited this article hasn’t met a lot of college age girls, but, seriously, how can you keep a straight face and suggest that as a matter of public policy, my choices should be circumscribed by the adolescent insecurities of college age girls?

    P.S. If the suggestion is that public policy should manage the unrealistic expectations of college age boys, then that’s just as silly.

  4. Was gonna make love to you,
    but I watched porn,

    Was gonna eat your ***** too,
    but I watched porn,

    Now I’m jackin off, and I know why,
    Yeah, cause I watched porn, cause I watched porn,
    cause I watched porn.

  5. I found this rather alluring picture of Naomi Wolf on the net. If you guys out there really want to protest her views, well, I think we all know the best way to do that.

    I think she?s pretty hot. Well, hey, if she?s good enough for Harold Bloom, she?s good enough for you!

    http://www.smh.com.au/articles/2004/02/21/1077072895847.html

    Just imagine her as a young, innocent, graduate student at Yale, and imagine yourself as a dirty, old literature professor?

  6. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Salt Lake City International Airport. Please set your watches back thirty years.

  7. So, somewhere there is a large contingent of college-age females who can’t get any? I hereby volunteer myself to help administer therapy. It’s a tough job, but someone has to do it.

  8. If looking at porn is indeed an equal-opportunity affliction, shouldn’t there be just as many college age men not getting any because they don’t compare to (male) porn stars?

  9. Police were searching for Kinyon in the surrounding neighborhood when he returned to the building, chased co-workers outside and shot his 36-year-old boss, killing him. He then went in a bathroom and shot himself in the face.

    Geez, does everything with this guy have to end with a facial?

  10. Why blame a murderous lunatic, when the lascivious materials on his hard drive are clearly to blame?

  11. … who comes, so to speak,…

    Heh. The uptight, yet non-church-owned newspaper I work at wouldn’t let a double entendre about “come” into the paper. Good job, Mormons!

  12. This is America, dammit. To insinuate that I have some responsibility to myself and for my actions is tantamount to oppressing me. Stop oppressing me!!!

  13. To answer your questions, neither. Deseret News is a Mormon mouthpiece that ranks someplace between Fox News and a church bulletin on the news credibility scale.

  14. According to http://www.collegef*ckfest.com, a LOT of college girls are getting nookie…

  15. The college girls around here don’t seem to be that hard up, more’s the pity.

  16. I live in Salt Lake City. It has been a foregone conclusion here that porn is addictive. Utah made press for having a 40+ year old virgin woman in charge of a newly created office with the sole purpose of prosecuting obscenity. More than once I have heard from seemingly rational people that porn will “burn out” so called pleasure centers in ones brain. This is no doubt comming out of the Mormon Church. My wife and I enjoy the odd dirty movie. I don’t recall any burning sensation in my brain. Strange.

  17. the porn czar is a virgin?

  18. dhex-
    Strange but true. She was a 40+ single mormon woman. As such there was no way she could admit to ever having sex, and of course she was asked if she had.

  19. College girls who can’t get any? When I graduated from college a year ago it was always the guys that were hard up for some nookie.

  20. I just knew it! Here’s an important, supporting article highlighting the potential for corporate liability on this issue.

    http://www.theregister.co.uk/2004/07/29/bofh_2004_episode_24/

  21. “Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Salt Lake City International Airport. Please set your watches back thirty years.”

    What can you expect from a religion founded by a con man “translating” a scared gold tablets he kept in his hat? (Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb….)

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