Keep That Stiff Upper Lip To Yourself!


The UK has a new law cementing that famous English reserve into writ—every Brit under the age of 16 is now prohibited from "sexual touching."

Sexual touching, the Act says, includes doing it "with any part of the body", "with anything else", and "through anything". Depending on one's definition, that could technically include snogging as well as the gamut of sexual activities that teenagers often get up to. The guidance notes from the government say it could include "where a person rubs up against someone's private parts through the person's clothes for sexual gratification".

Click the link for some inscrutable British names for sexual acts, including "cottaging," "grooming," and "dogging." (Link via A Fistful of Euros)

NEXT: Abu Ghraib-bag

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  1. Don’t UK lawmakers know that Europe is facing a future social services crisis due to declining population? Seems to me they should be encouraging folks to lay back, close their eyes, and think of the Empire.

  2. A law worthy of the Mikado.

  3. The really dangerous part of the article is that the authorities don’t plan on enforcing the ban unless they think one of the two fornicators was being manipulative. It’s a classic case of outlawing everything and letting the police decide who the bad guys are.

  4. Why are they wasting their time trying to limit heterosexual conduct when the deadliest threat against Western society is homosexuality?

  5. Best quote:

    … sometimes the law means what it says and sometimes it doesn’t.

    Couldn’t have said it better myself. God bless gubmint.

  6. Josh, I agree, it’s another case where they want to have people be guilty of something, anything, at any time in order to provide cover for other, maybe more specious, investigation. If everyone’s always guilty of something, then everyone HAS to go along with what they want. Don’t they?

  7. I wonder how I can use this law to my advantage the next time I get accidently hit in the nutz while on vacation in the UK?

  8. William Mayne got 2 1/2 years in the pokee for grooming young girls.What`s that all about?

  9. I guess Zamfir will not be playing his pan flute over there anymore.

  10. “the next time I get accidently hit in the nutz”

    What, do you spend all your time in narrow passageways? You can actually remember the last time it happened?

  11. What laws exist in “higher class” realms of the Empire, such as New Zealand and Jamaica?

    Would this be a good place to enlist your help changing the name of Cincinnati to Sinincincinnati?

    How old was Maid Marian when Robin first shot his arrow?

  12. I spend ten hours a week on a crowded NYC subway — I’d say it happens to *me* quite often.

  13. Patrick,
    It is so empty out here west of NYC.
    I’m constantly trying to lure additional nubile maidens into already somewhat crowded elevators. Alas, to no avail.

    Too many people treasure their personal space out here… I guess, because they can.

    I hate it.

    How fondly I remember my drill instructor’s command on how to line up for mess:
    asshole to belly button.

  14. Even in the UK, kid’s non-coercive “sexual touching” shouldn’t be any of the government’s business. So what then? It’s illegal for these poor kids under 16 to make out, but they only will actually get in trouble for it at the whim of law enforcement? That’s sick. The judgment concerning the propriety of these matters is for parents and their kids, not government.

    What kind of vales does that teach kids? Maybe that arbitrary discretion of the use of power is OK. Or, that they should be thankful to the ever-benevolent government for not enforcing what it could?

    Because the UK needs to move in the direction of anarchy, (One time Milton Friedman was asked if he was an anarchist. His answer was, “no” but he said he wished them luck because we need to move in that direction.) and for protest, give this fun flash animation a spin. It was the subject of a blog thread here at H&R last Friday:

  15. “How fondly I remember my drill instructor’s command on how to line up for mess:
    asshole to belly button.”

    Doesn’t exactly work out mechanically unless you alternate tall, short, tall, short, etc. The navy version of it was nut to butt. I suppose all the equipment onboard ships gives them a more realistic sense of mechanics.

    Of course drill instructors aren’t exactly know for being highly intelligent.

  16. Jonathan,

    Evan McElravy links to “dogging” at 04:44 PM

  17. {He added that young people under 16 would have the same rights to contraception and sexual health advice as at present.}

    Here we have a government that pays adults to teach minors how to perform acts the same government has made against the law, and that provides supplies used in those illegal acts. That used to be called “contributing to the delinquency” didn’t it?

    I was trying to think of something funny or ironic to say, but who can top that?

  18. “Of course drill instructors aren’t exactly know for being highly intelligent.” per Douglas Fletcher.

    Maybe, in the Navy, nut to butt would apply, but, in the far more rigorous Marine Corps, every line of humanity was arranged by height.
    The shortest at the rear were designated “feather merchants.”
    Whatever, asshole to belly-button was close to reality in the Corps. Feather merchants ate last since they weren’t as hungry.

    Finally, I was emotionally attached to many of my drill instructors so I resemble your remark about their intelligence.

  19. yeah, but what the fuck is grooming? illicit pube stylings?

  20. And they say English prudishness is only a stereotype…

    What do the English call a couple that has sex only once during their marriage? PROMISCUOUS!

  21. To Senator Santorum,

    I did a bit of research and found that the term “cottaging” refers to homosexual intercourse in a public restroom. So, at least part of this law is aimed at curbing that behaviour you find so distasteful.

    Now, can anyone tell me what the hell the terms “grooming” and “dogging” mean?

    – jonathan.

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