Foreign Policy

DOA PDBs

What else did the President know?

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Last week's revelation of a President's Daily Brief (PDB) from August 6, 2001—which unambiguously warned that Osama bin Laden was determined to strike inside the United States and was possibly planning to hijack airplanes—has launched an explosive controversy over how much warning the government had of the 9/11 attacks and whether the Bush administration was negligent in its response to the terrorist threat.

It now appears, however, that the August 6 PDB was just the tip of the iceberg. Revelations by White House insiders indicates America will be subjected to a flood of PDBs in the weeks to come. Among the most damaging revelations:

"That's My Bush" Possibly Advocating Government Overthrow

April 3, 2001

Comedy Central non-hit ridicules POTUS, reveals Oval Office procedures, breaches first family's operational secrecy. Creators Parker and Stone claim their seditious show is a "laff-riot."

That's My Bush's pilot episode revealed identity of the White House "wacky neighbor" Larry, according to TV critic *********.

AG Ashcroft and FCC head Powell are conducting more than 20 ongoing investigations for possible sailor talk. We have not been able to verify any of these reports, as no actual viewers of this program have been located in the U.S.

Fallout From Hainan Island Incident Will Top Foreign Policy Agenda Through '02

April 9, 2001

Imprisonment of Navy air crew by PRC underscores need for missile defense system, says David Brooks.

It is clear that the historic significance of the Hainan standoff is beyond human calculation. If the American hostages are safely returned, President Bush's place in history is assured. If not, the Gore In '04 campaign can be expected to score political points in a most unsavory manner.

AG Ashcroft is investigating allegations of lewd behavior by the deceased daredevil Chinese pilot.

AG Vows to Take War On Indecency Right to Porno Caves

August 7, 2001

In response to increasing warnings of threats against domestic targets in the United States, AG Ashcroft has redoubled the Justice Department's commitment to fighting pornography.

DOJ must shift from a reactive to a proactive role in its fight against indecency. Lam Nguyen will head task force whose staff will be drawn from anti-terror, violent crime specialists.

Franzen Headed for Oprah Club Blowup

September 11, 2001

Literary lion Jonathan Franzen's sensitive family saga The Corrections may be headed for a highbrow/middlebrow dustup. TV personality Winfrey plans to give the novel a book-club boost, according to Stedman **********. Reviewers and literary scuttlebutt indicate the hoity-toity novelist will insult Oprah and her fans with his snooty comments.

AG Ashcroft has dedicated 100 DOJ staffers to scanning The Corrections for cusswords.

DiIulio, O'Neil, Clark Praised as "Team Players"

October 23, 2002

Treasury Secretary and chiefs of counterterrorism and faith-based initiatives are all solidly on the team. According to Karen ******, all three can be counted on to keep their lips sealed. "Executive privilege above all" is their motto!

Red Carpet Disasters Imminent

March 4, 2003

Couturiers, style vultures, and catty dress critics are predicting "the ultimate fashion fiasco" at the Shrine Auditorium. Domestic US will be subjected to a "symphony of style-free flops," says expert Mr. ********. Increasing volume of rag trade traffic indicates a brewing catastrophe of "dull, dowdy and devastatingly dreary" gowns. AG Ashcroft investigating reports of exposed navels, determined to pursue "cohorts in couture crime."

Matrix Sequels Expected To Suck

April 21, 2003

Industry players, pustular geeks advise against believing the previews: Sequels will be terrible. Cool plot twists could be discarded; tiresome philosophy and predictable action scenes will make even fans question their love of the franchise, says ***** of Aint it ****. Opinions differ, however: "Both of these films will be The One!" exclaims expert Joel ******.

Super Bowl Organizers Concerned About Wardrobe Functionality

January 16, 2004

Halftime show watchers, fans, music mavens indicate display of unpermitted boob could be in the offing. An unwarranted flash by ***** ******* may result if brassierial technology is not optimized, experts say. "She could operate some kind of secret wonderbra panel, and possibly a dozen people around the country could be offended," says Special Agent Giardelli. "This could be enough to give the AG gallstones."

Dems Brace for Late Kucinich Surge

February 25, 2004

Don't count out the Ohio plugger, primary watchers warn. Focus on Kerry, Dean, etc. leaves the field open for Dennis the Menace. "This guy's a comer," says ****. "Mark my words: Kucinich will be surging in November."