The Devil Made Me Do It

The biggest story in Lebanon right now—at least the one that's really got people talking—is not the war, but an outbreak of devil worshipping throughout the land. A luckless heavy metal fan was busted a few weeks ago "while he was taking drugs and playing guitar near a cemetery," and the scariest part is that he was not the only one. Other teenagers have been rounded up on similar charges lately, but released "after their families promised to watch them." Is that enough to keep us safe? Rumors vary: In one version, teenage Satanists have been murdering children around the country. In another, a local news anchorwoman, who had disappeared from the airwaves for a few days, had been murdered by the minions of Old Mr. Splitfoot. In a variant version of that rumor, the anchowoman was herself a Satanist who had gone into hiding. (Faster than you can say "Jerry Penacoli," the woman in question reappeared to announce that she had been on vacation.) Last night our hostess averred that a group of Satanists had been arrested while trying to rape the corpse of a recently deceased girl; DNA evidence, I've been assured, exists to prove the claim. A couple of the young Devil Kids were shown in custody on the news the other night, along with some posters of pentagrams and poetry written in a Led Zeppelin typeface. It's not clear what they're accused of, other than worshipping Lucifer. Apparently there is a law against disrespecting God, which is explained as showing that in Lebanon all religions are respected.