Bailouts for the Little Guy

Why can't the federal government take all of our bad assets off our hands, not just those of big banks and financial institutions? That's what "Buy My Shit Pile.com" is wondering. Go there to publicly post your own now dubious investments and call for your own personal bailout. As the site says:

remember, when estimating the value of your 1997 limited edition Hanson single CD "MMMbop", it's not what you can sell these items for that matters, it's what you think they are worth. The fact that you think they are worth more than anyone will buy them for is what makes them bad assets.

If I can't have my Dazzler #1 multiple copies propped up, the consequences for the economy will be…well, really, we can't even think about it. Just act! Now!!