Who Framed Elvis?

That Klinger! So wacky!2013 was the year terrorism discovered that standby of the sitcom hack, the A plot/B plot structure. You break up the main narrative with a secondary storyline, and if the A plot is on the weighty, depressing side, the B plot is where you stick the comic relief. Hawkeye learns a somber lesson about love or war or something, and meanwhile Klinger discovers the hoola hoop.

In America right now, the A plot is the Boston bombings and the B plot is a wacky tale about Elvis killing the president. But he isn't really Elvis, the president doesn't die, and—this is the latest twist—it's starting to look like Elvis might have been framed.

For those who came in late: Last week the authorities arrested Paul Kevin Curtis, an Elvis impersonator in Mississippi, for mailing ricin to the president, a senator, and a judge. (There were no casualties.) This week they dropped the charges against Curtis, and Hazmat-clad investigators searched the home of Everett Dutschke, a musician, insurance agent, tae kwon do instructor, and accused child molester who apparently has a beef with the previous suspect.

I should stress that the police have not accused Dutschke of anything, and that we may yet learn that an entirely different person was responsible for the ricin. Indeed, the charges against Curtis were dismissed "without prejudice," which means that officials reserve the right to file them again. But for now, Curtis is enjoying his freedom and his lawyer is pointing her finger at Dutschke. From a report in Talking Points Memo:

YOU SEE? ELVIS WAS WORKING WITH THE PRESIDENT ALL ALONG!

At a strange, celebratory press conference after the charges against Curtis were dismissed Tuesday, his attorney Christi McCoy, suggested he was freed because investigators have moved on to "another suspect." Though she did not name this other suspect, McCoy said she believed investigators were still at Dutschke's home. McCoy first connected Dutschke to the case earlier this week when she suggested he was interested in framing Curtis for the crime because of a longstanding argument between the two men.

Curtis provided further details about the feud at the press conference when reporters asked him about his relationship with Dutschke. He claimed he did not know Dutschke well, but had received angry messages from him and heard indications from others that Dutschke had a major grudge against him. Curtis implied Dutschke may have developed these negative feelings towards him when they studied taekwondo together or because of his career as an Elvis impersonator. According to Curtis, one of the messages he received from Dutschke was an email saying, "I've created a band called Robodrum and we're going to throw you off the national circuit."

Dutschke has also run unsuccessfully for the Mississippi legislature, and at one point, according to the AP, he threatened to sue Curtis for claiming to be a member of Mensa. Meanwhile—how did I get this far without mentioning this part?—Curtis claims to have uncovered a "secret shadow government" that exists to conceal an "illegal organ harvesting market." In 2011 he issued an appeal to former Reason reporter Radley Balko to protect him from the conspiracy.

You know what? The A plot is depressing. The B plot is quirky and unpredictable and doesn't actually involve anyone dying. I like it better. Give it its own series, ideally starring Nicolas Cage.

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  • Fist of Etiquette||

    Dutschke is a patsy. The charges were dropped against Curtis because he's a distant relative of the Saudi royal family. FOLLOW THE MONEY.

  • Hugh Akston||

    You fool, the Sauds are just pawns of the Rothschild central banking oligarchy. OPEN YOUR EYES.

  • ||

    You fucking idiots, they are merely pawns of Lord Xenu and his far-flung agents.

  • tarran||

    You fool, the Sauds are really lizards bent on wresting back control of the Earth from mamals.

    Saud is really Sau'd which is their way of saying Sauropod (they can't sound 'r's and 'p's).

    WAKE UP SHEEPLE!

  • ||

    Kochtopus!

  • Fatty Bolger||

  • Hyperion||

    Bloomburg is the Lizard King, just look at him! He's reptilian!

  • CatoTheElder||

    Enough of your wacky conspiracy theories. You're just covering up for George Bush.

    Everybody knows that it's all Bush's fault.

  • Aloysious||

    What difference at this point does it make?

    Surrender and become one with the Elvis collective...

  • Pro Libertate||

    That's crap. It's all the Pentavirate. Follow the chicken.

  • Loki||

    The Queen, The Vatican, The Gettys, The Rothschilds, *and* Colonel Sanders before he went tits up. Oh, I hated the Colonel with is wee *beady* eyes, and that smug look on his face. "Oh, you're gonna buy my chicken! Ohhhhh!"

  • some guy||

    BUT HOW IS THIS CONNECTED TO THE 1906 SAN FRAN FIRE?! TELL ME THAT!

  • Sevo||

    ONE OF THEM HAS A GRASSY KNOLL AND "ELVIS" HAS FOUR LETTERS, CLOSE TO "SAN"!
    THAT'S HOW!

  • Fist of Etiquette||

    The fire was misdirection.

  • Paul.||

    Wise Seattle Times commenters blame Boston bombings on Bush. WAKE UP!

  • DJF||

    But can’t we still put him in jail for being an Elvis impersonator? With all the laws we have that has to be against the law somewhere.

  • some guy||

    Trademark ibfrubgenebt.

    Apparently "ibfrubgenebt" is what you get when you try to type "infringement" while your right hand is off a key to the left.

  • Robert||

    I wish I'd known earlier how easy it was to learn to write in German. Or Swedish. Ir sinetgubg,

  • Fluffy||

    Wow, good thing we didn't waterboard the guy once we found him.

    Or blow him up using a drone.

    Why, it's almost like sometimes, the first thing the cops and the national security establishment thinks is true turns out to...not be true.

    How can this be?

  • SugarFree||

    Did you know the Boston bombers were Muslims? This can't be posted too often!

  • Hugh Akston||

    The more you say it, the truer it becomes!

  • SugarFree||

    I'm really sorry that you can't accept that Elvis impersonators commit acts of violence. All Elvis impersonators everywhere are all just innocent victims and never do anything wrong ever.

  • Hugh Akston||

    Of course you would say that. You subscribe to a particularly nasty and virulent strain of Beatlesism that declares all Elvis fans to be heretics to the word of Lennon.

  • SugarFree||

    I'm really sad that you can't see the threats all around you, Hugh. Just keep you head in the sand. The Universal Graceland is coming, I'm sure they'll usher in some retarded rock-a-billy heaven for dupes like you.

  • ||

    I swear there is no other Rock God than Freddie Mercury, and Queen is his prophet...

  • Citizen Nothing||

    Hugh, you're out of your element! V.I. Lenin. Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov!

  • Brett L||

    So 1000 Miles to Graceland was fiction?

  • ||

    From Czechenslovakia. Obviously, we need to bomb them.

  • johnl||

    Really? Name is Sorb.

  • Rrabbit||

    On any high profile crime, the police are under tremendous pressure to produce results fast. Thus, they will make arrests first, and do additional investigation later. The media then happily cheer when the police make arrests, and a few days later also will happily blame the police when innocents were arrested.

  • Drake||

    In early MASH episodes, the A plot is the comic relief. Plot B might be a little heavy.

    In later seasons (long after the Koreans War would have been over), the whole thing was weighty, depressing dreck.

  • ||

    Speaking of MASH.

    Dr. Sidney Freedman died today.

    Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice, pull down your pants and slide on the ice.

    RIP Allen.

  • Loki||

    Give it its own series, ideally starring Nicolas Cage.

    "You see children, Ghengis Khan was a Mongol, not to be confused with a monoloid, such as the actor Nicolas Cage."

    NOT THE BEES!!!!!

  • BuSab Agent||

    I personally favor the ex-wife as the culprit. Ex wives are teh Great Satan.

  • Sevo||

    "Referring to investigators' questions for him about the case, Curtis said after he was released from custody Tuesday afternoon, "I thought they said rice and I said, 'I don't even eat rice.'"

    Read more: http://www.sfgate.com/news/cri.....z2ROxf5OHZ

  • Hyperion||

    It's a good thing he didn't have any castor bean plants in his yard.

    Of course, the stupid gubmint employees probably wouldn't have recognized them anyway.

  • Robert||

    In the photo, who's impersonating Nixon?

  • Hyperion||

    It's Anthony Weiner, he had to find a new career, you know.

  • johnl||

    Aren't they saying now that the ricin wasn't really ricin, just bean powder that could have been made with a coffee grinder? Because that "lab" might have been disposed of already.

  • LarryA||

    So the Elvis impersonator who voted for President Obama didn't send the letters because he didn't know what ricin was and doesn't even eat rice. He may have been framed by the martial arts instructor who was accused of molesting children and once ran for office and threatened to sue the Elvis guy for claiming to be in Mensa.

    How in the hell am I supposed to write fiction?

  • paranoid android||

    I've noticed a conspicuous lack of Breaking Bad references in coverage of this story...

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