The False Choice Between A Shot Or A Beer: Follow Along With Reason’s 2013 SOTU Drinking Game

Credit: andres musta / Foter.com / CC BY-NC-NDCredit: andres musta / Foter.com / CC BY-NC-NDPresidential advisers have hinted at what to expect from tonight’s big presidential address to Congress: “new initiatives in manufacturing, infrastructure, education and clean energy” and perhaps even “a surprise or two along the way.” It’ll be big! It’ll be new! It’ll be surprising!

Actually, given Obama’s history of banal greenjobsenergy- education infrastructure- makingstuff SOTU boosterism, it’ll probably be none of the above.

Another non-surprise is what we’re virtually certain not to hear: a big new plan to reduce the $16.4 trillion federal debt — roughly $5.8 trillion of which arrived between Obama’s first big address to the joint Congress (technically not a SOTU!) and this one.

Yet while the state of the union may be sobering, the good news is that you don’t have to be.

As President Obama drones on in his State of the Union address tonight, follow along with Reason’s 2013 SOTU drinking guide. Take a drink, and click a link, if the president...

Credit: pugetive / Foter.com / CC BY-NCCredit: pugetive / Foter.com / CC BY-NCFinally, drink any time you hear something heartwarming and vague. Use your own discretion here, but I’m thinking of bits like this one from last year’s speech, in which Obama mentions his grandparents:

"They understood they were part of something larger, that they were contributing to a story of success that every American had a chance to share: the basic American promise that if you worked hard, you could do well enough to raise a family, own a home, send your kids to college, and put a little away for retirement. The defining issue of our time is how to keep that promise alive."

That’s a lesson for all of us. So as you watch tonight’s speech, think back to last year’s remarks, and understand that you’re part of something larger, that you’re contributing to a story of inebriation that every American can share: the basic American promise that if you drink hard, you can laugh a little, roll your eyes, and get through the speech. It’s the defining issue of our evening.

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  • Rich||

    Take a drink, and click a link, if the president...Portrays something as a “false choice.”

    There are some who say that everyone'll be wasted in no time.

  • Spartacus||

    And every time he mentions "victims of gun violence", one shot (get it?).

  • Lord Humungus||

    No, I'm Spartacus!

  • Sudden||

    Any reference to Osama bin Laden: drink an Osama bin Laden.

    What's an Osama bin Laden you ask? Two shots and a splash of water.

  • R C Dean||

    Same with Hurricane Sandy:

    What's a Hurricane Sandy, you ask?

    A watered down Manhattan.

  • Eduard van Haalen||

    To repeat what I said in an earlier thread, be careful of alcohol poisoning.

  • Pro Libertate||

    I'd have to be so drunk that I couldn't change the channel to watch the fiasco in the first place.

  • ||

    That sounds like a, "balanced approach."

  • Peter Suderman||

    Consider that the "secret" drinking game item.

  • Enough About Palin||

    That sounds strangely pedophilesque.

  • ||

    That, in fact, is my strategy for the evening. Except for the part where the channel is even tuned to it.

  • Pro Libertate||

    Yes, the truth is, someone would have to put it on, because I wouldn't be anywhere near any channel likely to broadcast it.

  • Sudden||

    I will be watching House of Cards so that instead of having to listen to the bread and circus farce they feed the public, I can see how craven and sick these fucks really are.

    And to think, my only criticism of the show is that it shows pols orders of magnitude less craven and sick than they actually are. And it seems to show them as cunning and clever, which they are almost to T not.

  • SIV||

  • ||

    Here's the chances that I would actually watch this shit sandwich, ever:

  • Pro Libertate||

    They should green screen the State of the Union Address and add special effects. Like explosions and CGI-generated famous dead people applauding and nodding their head in tune with Obama's dumb pronouncements. You know, MLK, Gandhi, Jesus, Einstein.

  • Peter Suderman||

    Six words: Michael Bay's State of the Union.

  • Pro Libertate||

    [Lights go out--total darkness in the Capitol]

    V.O. In a world where only one man makes a difference. . . .

    [Smoke everywhere, then blows away, with an explosion and huge flames billowing, with Obama walking away from the flames towards the podium, like a bad ass.]

    V.O.Introducing Barack "The Man" Obama, your president! [Huge applause, fireworks, more explosions and flames, sounds of male and female orgasms subtly mixed in the canned applause.]

    [Speech]

    [Close with more explosions, Obama rising up without visible means of support, Christ-like, then vanishing. End credits roll.]

  • mr simple||

    They will be playing the intro to Van Halen's "Right Now", right?

  • Pro Libertate||

    Sunshine of Your Love.

  • Pro Libertate||

    Sorry, quotes, not italics.

  • ||

    "The Final Countdown" -- Apropos since he wants the United Kingdom of America to be more like...wait for it...Europe.

  • Pro Libertate||

    There's always "The End." With explosions and choppers.

  • ||

    That could work, will they be Black Helicopter? Will FLOTUS have her own entrance muzak? Will Rip Taylor be there to throw confetti?

  • Pro Libertate||

    I dunno, I'm no director.

  • ||

    Like Michael Bay is? How could you possibly do a worse job?

    I'm still waiting for your release of Explosion!: The Movie. I heard from a reliable source that URKOBOLD(tm) has greenlit Assplosion!: The Sequel.

  • Pro Libertate||

    Yes, once the whoretels in space are up and include soundstages.

  • Rich||

    "I want to, uh, fuuuuuuuuuuuuu...!"

  • Enough About Palin||

    "There's always "The End." With explosions and choppers."

    The killer awoke before dawn,
    Pissed of his hard-on.

  • mr simple||

    Woah, that's deep.

  • BakedPenguin||

    "I know everyone's shit is emotional right now..."

  • Pro Libertate||

    [More explosions, and Hendrix' "Star-Spangled Banner" playing in the background.]

  • phandaal||

    ...But I've got a 3 point plan that's going to fix EVERYTHING.
    Number 1: We've got this guy Not Sure.
    Number 2: He's got a higher IQ than ANY MAN ALIVE.
    and Number 3: He's going to fix EVERYTHING!

    *shoots off machine guns*

  • AlmightyJB||

    They could just do the opening scene of Iron Man II with Obama instead of Tony Stark. That was pretty close to that.

  • Pro Libertate||

    Or the end of the first film, where he says "I am Iron Man" then we go straight to Black Sabbath.

  • wakeup||

    New World Order??

  • Peter Suderman||

    Not enough explosions during [Speech]. Maybe that's when we cut away to the motorcade chase sequence?

  • ||

    Too predictable, Peter. It doesn't display His Pestilency's "awesomeness" enough.

    Personally, I think it should be either Rotoscoped or done in animation like that "A-Ha!" video, "Take on me".

  • Pro Libertate||

    Things get more subtle when he's speaking, except for the extreme enhancements of the applause. Oh, and his suit will be replaced with video of Linus' speech from A Charlie Brown Christmas.

  • ||

    And you said you couldn't direct. This is gold!

  • Pro Libertate||

    I forgot to Clutch Cargo his mouth

  • BakedPenguin||

    They're waiting for his third term for that.

  • Loki||

    That's when he'll walk in dressed as Xerxes from the movie "300", stand at the podium with hands out and say "Embrace me, as your God and as your King!"

  • Pro Libertate||

    That would be a nice touch.

  • Sudden||

    Paul Krugman would come in his pants.

  • db||

    Dude this is ripe for a post-address Youtube mashup.

  • 16th amendment||

    I was thinking more like Steven Colbert's The Word. In the left 75% of the screen will be the speech, in the right 25% will be the real deal in words.

  • Spoonman.||

    Thanks to whoever suggested watching House of Cards on Netflix. My wife was not in at first but we ended up really liking it.

  • Peter Suderman||

    HoC is good, but becomes increasingly ridiculous in later episodes.

  • SugarFree||

    How dare you say such a thing about Homeland!

  • ||

    You're an idiot.

  • SugarFree||

    Shut your whore mouth before I put something of Warty's in it.

  • ||

    You could just fix him a turkey pot pie, you lazy bitch. Or one of those lethal microwave pizza treats that instantly gives third degree burns.

  • Sudden||

    The deep dish version?

  • Spoonman.||

    I'm a Star Trek fan, I can handle ridiculous. The boring in the first two episodes almost stopped me from watching it, though.

  • Cliché Bandit||

    Are we talking original? Cause I watched all three season a while back (Back in the day when you had to get the dvd in the mail...so long ago) and my wife and I loved them.

    You might think that but I couldn't possible comment.

  • wakeup||

    Gerald McRaney is really Good

  • RyanXXX||

    Yea, I'm surprised that I'm rooting for Spacey in the show. I think the fact that he's such an admitted monster, an unabashed narcissist, with no illusions about who he is or what he wants, makes him more appealing than a true believer.

    Not to mention the reporter who literally blows him for access pretty much sums up our media-government relationship

  • ||

  • Jesus H. Christ||

    Boy crying wolf. Now, when it really happens, few will pay attention.

  • ||

    We have it on our DVR. Wife taped the interview with Sue Paterno and it was on half way through.

    It was funny, as even though it was an obvious prank, the hair on the back of my neck stood up.

  • Tim||

    Instead of "Hail To The Chief" they should play the theme from the Dick Van Dyke show as he enters.

  • BakedPenguin||

    Especially if he busts ass over an ottoman.

  • ||

    Heh, that was *hilarious*, FriedAquaticAvian!-)

    Ottoman...HA!

  • db||

    I prefer "Hassock" myself.

  • wakeup||

    yakety sax

  • Enough About Palin||

    Is that the Benny Hill theme? If so, then yeah.

  • Mickey Rat||

    That was Clinton's theme.

  • Paul.||

    OT:

    For all the technical people, or people employed in tech, you should be sitting down.

    For everyone else, you should also be sitting down.

    My decades-long suspicions have been again confirmed. NPR is functionally incapable of discussing human behaviors without somehow bringing the discussion around to how this behavior is "completely unregulated".

    NPR did a breathless story on how black-hatters and hackers are finding vulnerabilities in computer systems, routers, OSs, applications etc., trading this information (sometimes for *gasp* money) and this act of trading this information is... wait for it... completely unregulated!

    An Unregulated Market

    [...]

    After all, Ferrante says, ReVuln is only selling information. "The way the information is used is up to the customer; it's not up to us."

    There is no regulation of the vulnerability market in the U.S. There is a law prohibiting the export of software that provides penetration capabilities that would enable the users to attack, deny, disrupt or otherwise impair the use of computer infrastructure or networks. But there is no mandatory reporting of vulnerability sales.
    [...]
    I am shocked that this has not been regulated," Bejtlich says. "It would be so easy for a legislator to say, 'We're going to do arms control. We're going to keep this out of the hands of the bad guys. You're going to need a license to have these tools.'
  • Paul.||

  • iggy||

    I like asking pot head liberals how they can smoke weed when it's essentially unregulated. How do they know there isn't rat poison in it or something?

  • AlmightyJB||

    Tho only poisen ever in it is paraquat thanks to the US government.

  • ||

    "I'd like to hear about it, potheads."

  • Paul.||

    I like asking pot head liberals progressives how they can smoke weed when it's essentially unregulated. How do they know there isn't rat poison in it or something?

    Fixed.

  • ||

    Well, I mean, this Polack (or whatever) is correct. It would be easy for a legislator to say that.

    Also, you deserve what you get when you listen to the Tulpa of radio networks.

  • ||

    Russian.

  • ||

    Like I said, Polack.

  • ||

    **gives Warty the "upper cut with the hand, flicks chin"**

  • Jordan||

    Suderman, why are you trying to kill us? Don't worry though, any time the God-Emperor is on TV, I unplug it, lest I hurl my remote through it.

  • Invisible Finger||

    Everyone's better off just drinking now and avoiding all exposure to propaganda.

  • Tim||

    Captain James T. Kirk: Mr. Spock, the plug must be pulled.
    Mr. Spock: Sir?
    Captain James T. Kirk: Landru must die.
    Mr. Spock: Captain, our prime directive of non-interference...
    Captain James T. Kirk: That refers to a living, growing culture. You think this one is?

  • mr simple||

    Isn't today Fat Tuesday? Why the hell would anyone waste it on this idiot convention?

  • ||

    Let's combine the two: every time he does any of the listed above the guy take a drink and the women flash their breasts...(this is why there are no libertarian women)

  • Restoras||

    Yes, women in congress should flash their breasts.

    How many drinks for that? The rest of the bottle? Are we drinking Makers Mark or Makers Mark Lite?

  • Proprietist||

    Kristi Noem, fine.
    Elizabeth Warren? Awwhellno.

  • Art Vandelay||

    Easy, now. That's just how the natives dress.

  • Tim||

    Today is Ruby Tuesday. Goodbye.

  • mr simple||

    I've never cared for that place, though I hear they've revamped their menu.

  • LTC(ret) John||

    Needz moar flair.

  • The Late P Brooks||

    Will Nugent and Kerlikowske be sitting together in the Drug Warrior section? Will they demand a well thought out response to eradication of "legal" marijuana?

  • John||

    It is Marty Gras. I plan to go to happy hour and have a few drinks. If I make it home before bedtime, I am watching the Dog Show.

  • Auric Demonocles||

    I am going to bar trivia. Perhaps the SOTU will be on some of the TVs there, blocking out sports channels, but otherwise I won't see it.

  • Eduard van Haalen||

    I love that Marty, he's a real party animal!

  • Loki||

    Take a drink, and click a link, if the president...

    Portrays something as a “false choice.”

    There are some who say the reason editors are attempting to kill their commentariat with alcohol poisoning.

  • Rich||

    There are some who say there are those who are already ripped.

  • The Late P Brooks||

    NPR is functionally incapable of discussing human behaviors without somehow bringing the discussion around to how this behavior is "completely unregulated".

    I just barely made it to the fainting couch.

  • ||

    **hands you smelling (BATH!) saltz**

  • LTC(ret) John||

    Its on your hands, doc, if he starts eating faces.

  • The Late P Brooks||

    Great. Now I've got then urge to drive to town and gnaw somebody's face off.

  • ||

    May give you a suggestion or two then? I'm sure there is at least one person in MT I could do without...

  • ||

    I hope that was a reference to one or both of our senators.

  • ||

    I suppose they will do...

  • NoVAHockey||

    wait a minute. P Brooks is in Montana, right? the zombie alert isn't a fake.

  • LTC(ret) John||

    +1 alert

  • The Late P Brooks||

    n

    stupid fingers

  • wakeup||

    Is tonight where Barry sets the stage for a third term?

  • Rich||

    Considering the disaster Bush left him, it's only fair.

  • The Late P Brooks||

    I think his Glory Hallelujah! tent show delivery would be more credible if he had some poisonous snakes on the lectern to wave around during the good parts.

  • Enough About Palin||

    I would love to watch the dude drink a quart jar of strychnine.

  • Sevo||

    "So as you watch tonight’s speech,"

    Dog show, paint drying, which is more interesting?
    The last time I even heard a politico speak, it was that turd Nixon resigning while claiming he was innocent. The radio lived through it, but never again.

  • ||

    Go with paint drying. At least the fumes might give you a sense of relaxation.

  • Archduke Pantsfan||

    Or the replay of Champions League.

    Tomorrow is my BVB against Shakhtar.

  • ||

    BV Borussia are pussies. They will be destroyed; Shakhtar plays dirty...

  • Sevo||

    Not to mention that damn Bouvier in Herding Dogs!

  • 16th amendment||

    Another drink for "we will not balance the budget on the backs of seniors and the middle class". another if the word "vulnerable" is used.

  • Rich||

    Another drink for "wiping away a tear".

  • ||

    I just got a brand new LG LED 47" with 1080p. No fucking way I'm gonna sully it with that guy's mug.

  • GILMORE||

    The False Choice Between A Shot Or A Beer

    WRONG!!!!

    The *Correct* Choice Is A Shot AND A Beer

    FTW!

  • Ted Levy||

    Re Obama's speech from last year, "in which Obama mentions his grandparents:"

    "They understood they were part of something larger, that they were contributing to a story of success that every American had a chance to share"..."Namely, my birth and rise," Obama did not say, but clearly thought.

  • GILMORE||

    The only thing possibly interesting tonight will be the bit when Obama announces that there has been a conspiracy to overthrow his regime, and that the traitors have been foiled, and one by one various conspiratorial members of Congress are taken from the room between a pair of thugs, taken to the basement and shot

  • AlmightyJB||

    Then there will be the after speech media fawning. When they call his talk of gun violence and gun victims a "game changer" in the gun control battle that makes it "impossible" for any "reasonable" person to not agree to whatever his higness wants. Go ahead and finish the bottle.

  • Pro Libertate||

    Strictly speaking, His Higness is Higgy-Baby.

  • AlmightyJB||

    I thought it was Huggy Bear or whoever the black guy was on starsky and hutch.

  • Proprietist||

    I just kegged my five gallon batch, and I'm sure as hell not going to play your drinking game or I'll be out of beer tomorrow.

  • some guy||

    Finally, drink any time you hear something heartwarming and vague. Use your own discretion

    We're libertarians. Our cynicism prevents anything a politician says from being heartwarming. WE ARE IMMUNE!

  • CE||

    I started turning the channel automatically whenever the president appeared back when the younger Mr. Bush was elected. Mr. Obama gets the same disrespect on the clicker. My life is much more serene now.

  • AlmightyJB||

    Doesn't coming here and reading the headlines piss you off? I know it does me.

  • 21044||

    I started turning the channel in the middle of the Clinton years.

  • دردشة بغدادية||

    Nicest chat and chat Iraqi entertaining Adject all over the world
    http://www.iraaqna.com/vb

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