Hugo Chávez Will Turn Planet Mars Red By 2030
Most Democratically Revolutionary Bolívarian Father of the Presidency For Life Hugo Chávez of Venezuela has had enough of socialism on one planet:
"Venezuela has stepped onto the road to space," Chavez said on national television.
"Nobody has ever reached Mars but Venezuela will. It's our goal for 2030-2040."
People's Fifth Republican International Anti-Imperialist Communal Counciliar First Among Equals Chávez declared the opening of the interplanetary class struggle after agreeing to pay China's space agency $140 million to build and launch the Miranda spy satellite, which will "monitor troop movements and illegal mining as well as study climate change and the environment."
In 2008 Chávez paid China $406 million to launch the Chinese-made Simon Bolivar TV and radio satellite.
While expanding the glory of the Venezuelan people, Chávez also graciously acknowledges the social and scientific advancements won by his East Asian partners in the liberation of the Martian Proletariat. "One day Venezuela will arrive on Mars but China will do it first," Chávez says.
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Wait, I thought that it was April 1 when these kinds of stories came out, not Valentine's Day.
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"Well, in those days, Mars was a dreary uninhabitable wasteland much like Utah, but unlike Utah, Mars was eventually made livable."
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Singing Wind: I am Singing Wind, chief of the Martian Tribe.
Zapp Brannigan: Take me to your leader.
Singing Wind: Moving along... -
"You must smoke peace pipe, and you must do it peacefully. Or we'll kill you."
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It's an eternal conflict inside of me whether I would want to be a dictator. One one hand, my libertarianism prevents me from being a benign totalitarian. On the other hand, I really like long titles.
Like the queens: "Elizabeth the Second, by the Grace of God, of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and of Her other Realms and Territories Queen, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith."
That's awesome. Titles like those really challenge my political beliefs.
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"Venezuela has stepped onto the road to space," Chavez said on national television. "Nobody has ever reached Mars but Venezuela will. It's our goal for 2030-2040."
That's what I call "investing in the future".
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OK, so what's the deal here?
Does $140m buy logos on the front and rear wings, or just the side pods?
Are the Chinese required to mention the name in all press interviews? Does Venezuela get front-space on the driver's suit, or just shoulder patches?
Do the Chinese have to show Venezuela Oil logos on the rocket? If so, where?
I mean does this guy have a decent agent, or is he trying to wing it? For $140m, you need return on your sponsorship bucks!
Sheesh, what a tyro. Bernie would eat him for lunch. -
I was much more excited when it was the GOP talking about Mars colonization:
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God, that was horrible.
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The GTA IV show, or the GOP in 2006? Both were certainly horrible. But at least GTA IV had some good shows. I'm Rich was hilarious. And the pisswasser commercial during the show is great.
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Watching television on a video game on a television. What a waste of time.
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My god I forgot how funny that Pisswasser commercial was hahahaha
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He's not going to Venus, huh? He chose the other one? Not the one with women, the other one? Interesting.
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Is it bad form to root for the tumors?
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It would be, but as a dirty commie bastard, he's championing the social equivalent of cancer. So it's poetic justice, really.
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It's not a tum-ah.
Get your ass to Mars, Hugo.
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If Mexico can put a whale on the moon...
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Long live the Zypods.
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John Carter will fuck his shit up.
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Shit, I've had too much beer to comment on this, but God, this for some reason just made my day. Fucking Hugo Chavez thinks he's going to take Venezuela to Mars. Maybe if he frees his economy and SpaceX moves there...
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But seriously, folks, the launch energy efficiency added by Venezuela's proximity to the Equator isn't enough, by far, to make up for the detriments of its socialist economy.
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Damn you autocorrect for changing Newt Gingrich to Hugo Chavez!
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They're interchangeable.
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This guy is a such a joke. There's no way anybody could ever take him seriously, besides his cohort.
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Sean Penn just told me to say "fuck you, that dude is awesome".
And then I said, "Jesus Sean Penn, get away from me you smelly freak!"
Then he tripped in the bushes trying to catch a copy of Tree of Life I threw at him to make him go away.
God I hate that movie.
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Where did that picture come from? Please tell me it's some sort of meme generator!
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Well the picture of him and the parrot are real and is all over the place. The background is one of the Star Wars flicks. I think II.
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along with a charming story
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The new John Carter flick.
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The new John Carter flick.
Which is going to be distributed by Disney?
No bare-breasted Martian babes?
... Hobbit
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Wait... wrong sci-fi story.
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Maybe she'll just be wearing a lot of jewels. I'm assuming there's gonna be a lot of Leia Slave Girl homage in this movie if its the least bit faithful. (Which it won't be)
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I want to formally present my objection to the alt text. It suggests that the John Carter flick is ripping off Star Wars even though John Carter preceded Stars Wars by about 60 years.
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If only Iran would battle Venezuela in a race to Mars.
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The first Retard Space Opera!
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One day Venezuela will arrive on Mars but China will do it first.
Way to hedge, Hugo. But you forgot about this. I voided the Mars Rover's warranty. Know what I mean? LOL
Jess
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Don't confuse machinery with people. "Venezuela" is a Brazilean supermodel in training to become a cosmonaut. (I'm sending an email to let Mars Daily know that "Chyna" is spelled with a "y".)
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Don't confuse machinery with people.
I don't know what to tell you. I like machines. In a purely carnal way, of course. 100% robosexual, unlike that bi-dating site bot.
WTFJess
anon-bot.com -
I could almost believe that JPL mounted a Fleshlight to the mars rovers and gave them a proper send-off before launch, except I've seen the rooms in which those were assembled. Not a hair.
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We should send him there.
No space suit. What he's wearing is fine, though.
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I knew he was loopy, but he's going to Lyndon LaRouche's playbook now? Wow.
-jcr
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LaRouche? Nah, Chavez would never imitate a white guy. It's all about people-of-color.
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Any besides me notice the remarkable resemblance to Mussolini?
Uncanny.
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I wonder how hard it would be for NASA to steer a piece of "space junk" (deniably!) into the Venezuelan satellites.
