Charles Krauthammer's Inspired "Don't Touch My Junk" Rant Ends With Uncomfortable Image of "Sleeping Giant" Awakening

Nick Gillespie | November 19, 2010

Strangely, the one time I actually met conservative Wash Post columnist and Fox News "all-star" Charles Krauthammer was years ago and we got into an argument over whether the "coarsening of the culture" was a bad thing, It was, in his view. He didn't like the cussing and cleavage and all that crap.

Here's his lastest col, which is good stuff, even if it shows more shlong than Long Dong Silver:

Don't touch my junk is the anthem of the modern man, the Tea Party patriot, the late-life libertarian, the midterm election voter. Don't touch my junk, Obamacare - get out of my doctor's examining room, I'm wearing a paper-thin gown slit down the back. Don't touch my junk, Google - Street View is cool, but get off my street. Don't touch my junk, you airport security goon - my package belongs to no one but me, and do you really think I'm a Nigerian nut job preparing for my 72-virgin orgy by blowing my johnson to kingdom come?...

This time you have gone too far, Big Bro'. The sleeping giant awakes. Take my shoes, remove my belt, waste my time and try my patience. But don't touch my junk.

Sleeping giant awakens? The terrorists, or maybe just Viagra ads, have won, yet again. More here.

Hat tip: Chris Lehmann's Twitter feed.

In theaters now: Con Air 2010. This holiday season, we're all treated like prisoners.

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JoshINHB|11.19.10 @ 9:09AM|#

Needs one correction

This has nothing to do with safety - 95 99.9999999 percent of these inspections, searches, shoe removals and pat-downs are ridiculously unnecessary.

|11.19.10 @ 9:10AM|#

One should always keep in mind that Krauthammer is a psychiatrist by trade, and therefore an authoritarian by disposition.

pool boy|11.19.10 @ 9:12AM|#

Could Krauthammer even feel if someone was touching his junk?

¢|11.19.10 @ 9:13AM|#

The Hammer's first blurt on this treated "junk" as a fresh neologism invented by don't-touch-my-junk guy. He must have a strange life.

("-gism")

|11.19.10 @ 4:09PM|#

I never heard this usage of "junk" until last year. I don't think there's anything strange about not keeping up with the latest slang.

|11.19.10 @ 9:14AM|#

You better watch it Krauthammer. A few more creepy posts like that, and Israel is going to stop sending the checks.

|11.19.10 @ 9:19AM|#

?? OK Gillespie, I guess I must be a little slow. Why exactly does the phrase "Awaken a sleeping giant" bother you so much? The terrorists win another one?
You are a fool.

Mae|11.19.10 @ 9:22AM|#

Don't you see the natural transition from "Touch my junk" to "Awaken a sleeping giant"? Or are you just happy to see me?

Jerry|11.19.10 @ 9:29AM|#

So, Krauthammer is gay?

|11.19.10 @ 10:14AM|#

Krauthammer is saying we should adopt the Israeli model, so his checks are safe.

|11.19.10 @ 11:16AM|#

I sometimes wonder if "JohnD" is supposed to be a parody of "John."

Troll|11.19.10 @ 9:21AM|#

This is a non-starter: Tea party members do not fly on airplanes. Plus, gotta stop dem terists!

Where can I get a Krauthammer coffee mug? The irony would be delicious....

|11.19.10 @ 9:22AM|#

Doesn't this qualify for "Hack Watch." Krauthammer has never been shy about advacating using bully-boy tactics to protect us from The Terror. Or maybe he's seen the light, that knee-jerk authoritarianism is not the answer to every problem?

MNG|11.19.10 @ 9:31AM|#

Is Krautie that big on security measures? I just assumed his answer to any security problem was to invade several nations and double aid to Israel...

Raven|11.19.10 @ 11:21AM|#

He's only for authoritarianism if you look Muslim to him.

|11.19.10 @ 9:25AM|#

maybe he's seen the light, that knee-jerk authoritarianism is not the answer to every problem?

Unlikely.

Fabius|11.19.10 @ 11:24AM|#

Supposedly, millions of formerly knee-jerk authoritarians have seen the light of the last few years. I see no reason Krauthammer can't be one of them. Libertarians have been outnumber by our enemies 99 to 1 or so for a long time. Nothing good can happen until that ratio changes, and that ratio can't change without allowing the enemy to approach without immediately shooting them down. I say take it as a sign that there is cause for hope and see if some of these guys really have converted.

Then again, I'm relatively young and haven't seen this cycle so many times as most of you probably have.

AlmightyJB|11.19.10 @ 9:29AM|#

But being sexually assaulted is the only thing keeping you safe.

Amakudari|11.19.10 @ 9:30AM|#

Don't touch my junk, you airport security goon - my package belongs to no one but me, and do you really think I'm a Nigerian nut job preparing for my 72-virgin orgy by blowing my johnson to kingdom come?...

I see what you did there.

sunny black|11.19.10 @ 9:34AM|#

i think it's wonderful when the neocons get jiggy with it.

Freedom loving conservative|11.19.10 @ 9:51AM|#

Hell yeah, Freedom! Don't touch my junk.... Wait what? you were searching for drugs... Oh ok, that's different. Invade my home, shoot my dog, finger fuck my wife (you never know what she hides in there) and put your hands all over my junk to stop me from consuming the dope. In fact that I love drug raids so much I'll be touching your junk. Handjobs all around officers!

Patriot Mike|11.19.10 @ 10:01AM|#

+ infinity

|11.19.10 @ 10:05AM|#

Take my shoes, remove my belt, waste my time and try my patience.

Thank you Sir! May I have another?

Fuck you, Krauthammer. You asked for it.

|11.19.10 @ 10:16AM|#

C'mon, guys. If a hard-core security statist like Krauthammer thinks this is ridiculous, then I think its safe to say that the TSA has lost America.

|11.19.10 @ 10:18AM|#

The flower of libertarianism blooms again. It's petals will fall out soon enough.

Alan Vanneman|11.19.10 @ 10:18AM|#

Don't touch my junk, unless you've decided that I'm a "bad guy," in which case please interrogate me aggressively until I tell you that I am in fact a bad guy, thus giving you the right to keep me locked up until "the war" is over. Yeah, this is the Krautman talkin', and I'm down with the jive. Oops! You Tea Party types are all white, aren't you? Everyone who didn't go to Harvard looks alike to me.

Amakudari|11.19.10 @ 10:34AM|#

TSA Myth or Fact: Leaked Images, Handcuffed Hosts, Religious Garb, and More!

Myth: The TSA pat-down is invasive
Fact: Only passengers who alarm a walk through metal detector or AIT machine or opt out of the AIT receive a pat-down. For this reason, it is designed to be thorough in order to detect any potential threats and keep the traveling public safe. Pat-downs are performed by same-gender officers and all passengers have the right to a private screening with a travel companion at any time.

Myth: Apples are blue.
Fact: Many apples come from Washington.

aaron|11.19.10 @ 10:41AM|#

"Pat-downs are performed by same-gender officers"

That's supposed to be a plus for me?

Troll|11.20.10 @ 8:56PM|#

Debbie the TSA Agent Does DFW

Yea Baby|11.19.10 @ 12:19PM|#

What if I'm gay? Can I request a pat-down from a female officer?

Whoa Pony|11.19.10 @ 1:21PM|#

President Clinton, that horse left the barn. Keep the colt in your pocket

BakedPenguin|11.19.10 @ 10:44AM|#

Ron Paul vs. the TSA.

cynical|11.19.10 @ 10:46AM|#

Can't you get some innuendo out of "Krauthammer" anyway? Did one his ancestors earn the name by nailing enough Frauleins?

Alan Vanneman|11.19.10 @ 10:48AM|#

"Krauthammer" means "hammer cabbage," not "hammer Germans." You know, like saurkraut.

Simon Cowell|11.19.10 @ 11:49AM|#

In modern terms, Krauthammer means "you can touch this".

cynical|11.19.10 @ 1:55PM|#

Krauthammer means "hammer Germans" in American. If he wants to sprechen sie deutsch, he ought to go back to Berlin!

|11.19.10 @ 10:47AM|#

Nice.

Mo|11.19.10 @ 10:52AM|#

Krauthammer:

Don't touch my junk, but I'm cool with torture and suspending habeus corpus.

|11.19.10 @ 12:08PM|#

I actually held my nose and read the whole thing; I don't see anything but vamping for the audience.

Something tells me he'd freak out if anybody "serious" suggested just doing away with the TSA.

anarch|11.19.10 @ 12:18PM|#

my package belongs to no one but me

Ach! You must be single!

The sole condition on which we are free to make use of our sexual desire depends upon the right to dispose over the person as a whole.... If I have the right over the whole person, I have also the right ... to use that person's organa sexualia for the satisfaction of sexual desire. But how am I to obtain these rights over the whole person? Only by giving that person the same rights over the whole of myself. This happens only in marriage. Matrimony is an agreement between two persons by which they grant each other equal reciprocal rights, each of them undertaking to surrender the whole of their person to the other with a complete right of disposal over it... ~ Immanuel Kant at age 77

|11.19.10 @ 12:49PM|#

The sleeping giant awakes...
keep your hands off my titan missle
don't throtle my one eyed snake
don't make me remove my wang from its carrying case.
stand tall, upright, firm and spurting
don't squeez my slick willie
let me keep my weiner in its bun
spare the rod, uh...spoil the check?
don't be a prick about a prick.
my member is a member of the ACLU
don't shaft my shaft
OK, I'm done!

johnl|11.19.10 @ 2:56PM|#

Krauthammer already has been getting intensive searches for years because he sets off metal detectors. So there is an element of populist opportunism on his part to his complaining only now that other people are getting the same treatment. Not that there is anything wrong with that.

Anonymous Coward|11.19.10 @ 3:16PM|#

If the TSA man can't touch your junk, can he at least touch your Ding Ding Dong?

Slut Bunwalla|11.19.10 @ 3:27PM|#

+100!

|11.23.10 @ 3:30PM|#

Can anyone rightly say that if there were a Republican in the White House that this rant would happen? I think not. Krauthammer wholehearted support the Patriot Act but if it was proposed by a Democratic admin, they would scream bloody murder. This just fits the narrative on the right that all is bad "now". When(if) the leadership changes to the right, it'll all be "be patriotic" "do it for america".

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