Politics

D.C.'s Premier Elder Care Community

Where your final years are active, dignified, and pretty much permanent.

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Nestled in the heart of the nation's capital, Federal Senior Living & Hospice offers every resident a fully independent lifestyle. With a staff of over 2 million spread across hundreds of agencies, you're free to abdicate your constitutional responsibilities to highly incentivized lobbyists, career bureaucrats, and college interns.

Our members enjoy perks that your constituents can only dream of, including voting privileges, custom transportation, teleprompters, handrails, generous compensation packages, speechwriters, hordes of lobbyists, countless opportunities for graft and nepotism, and an annual taxpayer-funded allowance of more than $1 million.

Take advantage of our luxurious on-site amenities, like restaurants, pools, gyms, members-only elevators, and substantially weakened insider trading restrictions.

Or maybe you'd just like to relax and unwind in your personal furnished living area away from constituents, microphones, and the uncomfortable truth surrounding your voting record and declining cognitive abilities.

There's no reason to worry about continuity of care, as we carefully gerrymander your district, guaranteeing you'll have a home here for perpetuity. We strive to give our residents the freedom to enact policies that will benefit their own generation for decades to come.

Some of our residents may become disoriented, confused, forgetful, or even completely out of touch with the world. At Federal Senior Living & Hospice, we honestly don't give a damn. If you have a pulse, you have a vote. What better way to spend your twilight years than dictating regulation for highly technical, cutting-edge, billion-dollar industries that affect the lives of millions?