Remy returns to the news desk to bring you what passes for journalism these days.
Written and Performed by Remy.
Music tracks mastered by Ben Karlstrom.
Produced and Edited by Austin Bragg.
Trudeau denies the report. Ed?
A rough week for Canada's first black prime minister. Thanks, Tim.
A problem long posed, now finally an answer
A cure has been found to a rare form of cancer.
We'll tell you who found it, what he thinks this means,
And dig up some tweets from his early teens.
Plus the Good Samaritan, whose quickness and breadth
Saved a family of four from a fiery death.
We'll ask how he did it, how he made it in time,
And why he tweeted this back in 2009.
Uh, Ed? Yes, Tim. Forgive the defiance
But I think we should focus on the news part, the science
And not what they tweeted back when they were 10
The science, hmm. I'll try it again.
Archaeologists have unearthed a series of tweets
Made by this local hero when he was 13.
Will this middle-school tweet soon mean his demise?
Our report might just win the Pulitzer Prize.
Pulitzer Prize? In what? Scrolling down?
We found immature things immature people wrote down.
Our country's at war and that's the story we sought?
War coverage, yes—I'll give it a shot.
This Navy SEAL unit is now under fire
For a series of tweets, we'll take our magnifier
And pay no attention to how their recent life's been
And tell you what you should think that says about them.
Says about them? What's it say about us?
That the first thing we do after someone's discussed
Is comb through their childhood looking for dirt.
OK, I can do this, I assure you I'm cured.
Well she's the first woman to serve on the board
Of our town's city council—and she just signed an accord.
We'll comb through the details of what she did write
And through years of her tweets in hopes of wrecking her life.
OK, see, I hate this, this is just what we do
Make things controversial for clicks and for views.
When we're covering news, should our first thought each time
Be "Let's find what they tweeted back when they were nine"?
Finally, millions can now walk thanks to his prosthesis
But a hateful hand signal when he was a fetus
Leads many to now question what he promotes.
We'll toss him in a well and see if he floats.