Congressional New Year's Resolutions
Read bills before voting, and other ways Congress can be less terrible in 2018.
As 2017 thankfully limps to its conclusion, we turn our sights to 2018 and ways in which Congress can be less awful. In this special holiday edition of "Mostly Weekly" Andrew Heaton comes up with some out-of-the-box ideas for our legislators:
- Find out what's inside the stuff they vote on
- Quit hemorrhaging money like a drunken sailor
- Balance mental health with Mr. Trump's twitter account
- Find healthy outlets for pint up sexual energy otherwise directed at staffers
And, of course, what to do about that shrimp running on a government-funded treadmill.
Mostly Weekly is hosted by Andrew Heaton with headwriter Sarah Rose Siskind. Watch past episodes here.
Script by Andrew Heaton with writing assistance from Sarah Rose Siskind
Edited by Austin Bragg and Sarah Rose Siskind.
Produced by Meredith and Austin Bragg.
Theme Song: Frozen by Surfer Blood.
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Thank you, thank you, thank you Congress for giving us the biggest tax cut in over 30 years. Everyone in America except that far left assholes appreciate it greatly.
Now, please cut spending across the board in 2018. You came close this year, but you need to try a little harder.
Your stoopid. Your sew stoopid it hertz to reed yore stoopid noncents.
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Who was it that said altruism is "based on self-deception, the root of al evil"?
Just like every question Hank has ever asked, the answer is Ayn Rand.
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How about "collectively drink hemlock?"
would
He's too thin for me.
He does have a Matt Bellamy thing going, which isn't that attractive without a lot of money.
Are you implying Sarah is Andrew's muse?
Heaton has the decency to not breath directly into the microphone though.
This will-they-won't-they dynamic always leaves me wanting more. Kiss him already, Sarah!
Also... good points about the government stuff.
I get the vibe thay they banged in the past, it didn't work out, but they work great together so they just convert that sexual attraction, which never really went away, into creative energy.
Maybe, but you can clearly tell that Heaton is not over her. I mean, she did show him where the clethaures is located; that kind of sexual discovery leaves lasting impressions.
"Clethaures"?
You see, this is why we need more funding for sexual education in public schools.
That is a rather dramatic rejection of the concept of phonetic spelling.
http://reason.com/reasontv/201.....sisted-sex
I was referencing a previous Heaton gem with the terminology.
The shrimp on the barbie treadmill story leads to a sampling of grants the IRS uses your money to hand out... "The largest, for $5.65 million, is for a project that aims to use innovative education methods to educate Arctic communities about climate change and related issues." The idea is to teach Eskimaux to BBQ shrimp on a hot rock. Barrow, Alaska is 29? below freezing right now. 2017 was about the coldest year of the past century: https://preview.tinyurl.com/ychmgvx5
My news years resolution is to dress half as well as Big H.
It's easy. Spend $2000 on a custom-fit suit, and then look like you slept in it even though you didn't.
O_O *cough* H-h-hey Sarah... errr... *ahem* ... th-that's a pretty d-dress.
Here's one: Cut Spending.
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The shrimp-on-a-treadmill video is worth every penny just for the entertainment. Choosing between tax subsidies for Hollywood filmmakers and funding the shrimp scientist, I'll put my NSF/Kickstarter dollars on Dr. Crustacean every time.
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