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United States Census 2000

Extra Long, Dumb, Paranoid Form

This is the official form for all of the people at this address. It is as quick and easy as a death row appeal, and your answers are protected by the law of diminishing returns. Complete the Census and help your community get more of what it needs: huge piles of useless, uncollated paper moldering in some Beltway basement.

On average, about one in every six households will receive this long form. And on average, about one in every three households that returns this form will receive a surprise midnight visit from armed federal marshals.

Start Here. Please respond in pen.

The ink you are using is
_ Black
_ Blue
_ Caucasian
_ Hispanic
_ Asian
_ Samoan
_ Other

How many people were living or staying in this house, apartment, mobile home, or cardboard box on April 1, 2000?

Number of people _ _

INCLUDE in this number:

  • any children making running shoes in the basement sweatshop
  • that guy who's been asleep on the couch for the last two days

DO NOT INCLUDE in this number:

  • imaginary friends
  • the spirit of the homicidal 4,000-year-old Hittite demon you've been channeling

List of Persons
(or, in your case, Personalities)

Please print the names of all the people you indicated in Question 2 who were living or staying here on April 1, 2000--or at least sharing the same needles. Start with the person, or one of the people, living here who owns, is buying, or rents this house. If there is no such person, invent one. Your community needs more federal tax dollars!


Next, answer questions about Person 1.

Person 1--your answers are important! Every person in the Census counts--unless they attended a public school, in which case they may not be able to.

What is this person's name? We know you already listed it earlier, but we're federal employees, for God's sake. You think we're going to lift a finger when we don't have to?

What is this person's telephone number? We may contact this person if we need to help fulfill an Immigration & Naturalization Service enforcement quota.

What is this person's sex? Mark ONE box.

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