Government Goons Murder Internet-Famous Squirrel

Peanut the Squirrel charmed a large internet audience that helped fund an animal sanctuary. Then the government seized him.

Peanut the Squirrel was an internet sensation, captivating hundreds of thousands of internet followers with videos of his charming antics with his owner, Mark Longo. That changed last Wednesday, when the New York State Department of Environmental Conservation (DEC) raided Longo's home, seizing Peanut and another pet, a raccoon named Fred. The two animals were euthanized soon after. Longo claims that DEC informed the media about the animals' deaths before they told P'nuts Freedom Farm—Longo's animal sanctuary nonprofit, named after Peanut.

"Despite our passionate outcry for compassion, the agency chose to ignore our pleas, leaving us in deep shock and grief," Longo wrote on Instagram. "To add to our anguish, they informed the media of their decision before even notifying P'nuts Freedom Farm, his loving home. This demonstrates a troubling lack of respect and empathy. Their lives were precious, and we refuse to accept this loss in silence." 

A spokesperson for the DEC told the Associated Press that they seized the animals after receiving "multiple reports from the public about the potentially unsafe housing of wildlife that could carry rabies and the illegal keeping of wildlife as pets."

"Two days ago, ten to fifteen DEC officers raided my home for a raccoon and a squirrel," Longo told NewsNation's Chris Cuomo on Friday. "We used resources from this state to kill a squirrel and raccoon and raid my house as if I was a drug dealer. We have resources to kill a squirrel and a raccoon but we can't fix the major bridges down the street?"

Longo added: "Since they left my house, not a single DEC employee or state official even called me to tell me what happened. They came into my house, they even asked my wife for immigration status….They spent five hours taking apart my house for a squirrel and a raccoon."

According to ABC, DEC says the animals were euthanized in order to test them for rabies after Peanut bit someone involved in the investigation. Longo has pushed back against these claims. "Everyone around here wore gloves," Longo told Cuomo. "These are professionals who deal with animals on a daily basis and you're gonna tell me you got bit by a squirrel? None of this transpired."

Almost immediately after the raid, there was an intense online backlash against the DEC's actions.

"i'd normally be meme-ing about topical things like this but this legit pisses me off," reads one X post with more than 28 million impressions. "A taxpayer funded agency raiding a man's house to murder his rescue pets is just plain evil."

"The squirrel isn't just a squirrel," reads another X post, this one with 1.9 million impressions as of Monday afternoon. "Peanut is for everyone who has ever feared that someone more powerful than you could walk into your home and take something that you absolutely cherish away from you, for absolutely no good reason, with no recourse."

Comments

[Idaho-Bob]

How dare you keep the King's animals!
We kill your dogs with impunity. Ya think we give a fuck about a trash panda and a squirrel?

[Idaho-Bob]

…ten to fifteen DEC officers raided my home…

Lessons MUST be learned.

[Eeyore]

A society that can justify killing pets is a society that can justify killing jews.

[mad.casual]

You know who else was an animal lover?

Seriously,
In his private diaries, Nazi Propaganda Minister Joseph Goebbels described Hitler as a vegetarian who was contemptuous of Judaism and Christianity for the ethical distinction they drew between the value of humans and the value of animals;[6][5] Goebbels also mentions that Hitler planned to discourage slaughterhouses in the German Reich following the conclusion of World War II.[6]

It's not the people who kill pets out of hand that have trouble distinguishing Jews from vermin.

[soldiermedic76]

Hmmm, that is a sound plan, trying to get Germans to give up bratwurst and weinerschnitzel. Was he planning on doing away with bier und schnapps after that?

Also, gee what other group is trying to force us to give up meat?

[Public Entelectual]

Was it Walz or Bismarck who said that if you want to respect laws or Eichhörnchenwurst you should not see them being made?

[mad.casual]

Same old joke rewritten for today’s topic:

Two New York State regulators are having a heated argument as they walk into a bar where Emma Camp is working, but only allowed to serve smoothies, coffee, and Roy Rogers/Shirley Temples.

Emma asks, “What’s the hubub?” To which one of them replies; “We’re having an argument here." The female regulator pipes up and says. “Well, Andy here wants to lock everyone in the state in their home and keep them out of hospitals, killing tens of thousands of old and sick people prematurely. He wants to keep them people out of Churches, rearrange voting to support keeping people in their homes and potentially/allegedly harass a few women.”

Andy pipes up “And Katie… Kathy here doesn’t exactly disagree with most of that, except maybe the maybe harassment, maybe, but she does want to dictate to people when they will come back to work and even wants to mandate that children wear masks and that everyone, including children, get injected with an experimental vaccine… oh, and she wants to euthanize a squirrel.”

Emma replies to Kathy, “Why do you want to euthanize a squirrel?” To which Kathy turns to Andy and says, “See! I told you no one would care about all that other stuff!”

[Eeyore]

Lol

[Thoritsu]

Fantastic!

[Liberty_Belle]

"Two days ago, ten to fifteen DEC officers raided my home for a raccoon and a squirrel," Longo told NewsNation's Chris Cuomo on Friday. "We used resources from this state to kill a squirrel and raccoon and raid my house as if I was a drug dealer. We have resources to kill a squirrel and a raccoon but we can't fix the major bridges down the street?"

Lol, check out the new guy.

[mad.casual]

I’m sure the Reason writers and a good portion of the commentariate, if offered the choice between “Kill a squirrel or fill a pothole for $100.” would choose the “I’ll fill the pothole and you can keep the money.” over “I’ll kill a squirrel and you can keep the money.”

Because, really, we’re all literally pet cause Progressives on the inside around here.

[Gaear Grimsrud]

To quote a well known cable TV host who has a libertarian side kick, "Animals are Great!".

[JohnZ]

I saw his photo. Looks like some squalid, little pencil necked weasel who might have been involved with the Bolsheviks back in 1917, who then soon after, found out he wasn't so important after all.

[Fire up the Woodchippers! (5-30 Banana Republic Day)]

So, like Sarc?

[Incunabulum]

Now, go vote for Harris.

[Michael Ejercito]

Longtime world-renowned legal ethicist and my Facebook friend, Jack Marshall, has hos take.

https://ethicsalarms.com/2024/11/03/squirrel-ethics-the-pnut-saga/

[Overt]

What a terrible take.

"It is illegal to own Squirrels, QED"

Wow. World renowned ethicist indeed.

I mean, that is the entire point of the outrage: That we now live in a world where there are so many arbitrary laws that the government is incapable of enforcing them evenly, and instead singles people out when they become inconvenient.

"OMG, why are Conservatives so angry that the government sat idly by, letting this guy own a tree rat only to snap into action when the Right People(TM) complained?"

If Mr Jack Marshall can't understand why that is resonating among people who saw ridiculous lawbreaking for an entire summer in their neighborhoods, only to see friends and family prosecuted for similar behavior, well maybe Jack Marshall is more part of the problem than the solution?

[Eeyore]

Equating legality with morality. The classic legality fallacy. I want my time back from clicking that vapid link.

[Juliana Frink]

I too made the mistake of clicking that link. Ugh!

This story illustrates the morass we end up with when we expect materialists to govern with respect for life. Seems to be more prevalent with progressives, truth be told.

[Michael Ejercito]

Confiscating a squirrel held in violation of the law can be justifiable.

Even so, given what thew state has said about this, there was no justification to destroy the squirrel.

While destroying animals confiscated from private possession may be justified or even mandatory under extraordinary circumstances, nothing said by state officials constitute these examples.

This principle applies not just to pets, but to livestock as well, even if they were on their way to the slaughterhouse at the time state authorities confiscated them.

[Overt]

"Confiscating a squirrel held in violation of the law can be justifiable."

Wow. Deep thoughts there. Here is another one: It can be unjustifiable.

[mad.casual]

Fun factoid: If you round some corners, P'nut is the long-term product of a government psy-op or (re)education program to domesticate humans and condition people to live in cities.

[Gaear Grimsrud]

Actually read that. Pretty interesting.

[R Mac]

Tell your Facebook friend: Fuck off slaver.

[Mother's Lament (garbage)]

"A grace note: P’Nut had to be euthanized after he bit one of the officers as they removed him from his happy home, so they had to see if the squirrel had rabies."

Squirrels don't carry rabies. It's so virulent once it infects them that they are dead in a matter of hours. As a matter of fact most rodents don't carry rabies.

I have a hard time believing that the New York State Department of Environmental Conservation didn't know this widely known fact.

[mad.casual]

Squirrels don’t carry rabies.

Not that I care about the statists murdering an animal one way or the other but, they *can carry but are not reservoirs for rabies*. Unlike carnivores, which are near constantly drawing blood and biting other animals and people, rodents can and do bite each other and get bitten, they just don't do it enough to propagate the disease. There's probably an 'all the things' metaphor for HIV and/or monkeypox in here as well but that's somewhat tangential.

Of particular note: I’ve pointed out in the past, before COVID, that the next human exterminating pandemic is likely to be of human origin. This is/was extrapolated partially from epidemiological studies where social regression to agrarian-style livestock rearing/cohabitation leads to resurgence of eradicated diseases and partially from novel experiments where pets with rapid breeding times are specifically selected and engineered for greater viral efficacy.

Which isn’t to say that DEC should get to kick anyone’s door. I’m no Ron Bailey. But FFS people, ‘two weeks’ ago you couldn’t say that wet markets didn’t cause COVID and today you’re eulogizing a goddamned squirrel on Twitter.

[yet another dave]

Oh they knew that. I suspect some brave gov't goon was the one who was bit by the little squirrel, who then repaid him by stomping him to death... which in gov't goon speak is called "euthanization"

[Don't look at me!]

It’s the only way to save democracy.

[Its_Not_Inevitable]

Has anyone heard from SQRLSY lately?

[SQRLSY]

Peanut was my cousin! I am DEEPLY grieving!

(Another victim of Government Almighty! And then we keep right on electing and erecting OUR favorite Government Almighty power pigs, who can NOT leave well enough alone!)

[InsaneTrollLogic (Factio Democratica delenda est 5/30/24)]

No, Sqrlsy isn’t nice enough nor good enough to be Peanut. They should’ve taken Sqrlsy instead.

[Eeyore]

That's just mean.

[Minadin]

Yeah, we wouldn't want NYDEC officials to be exposed to that.

[R Mac]

But I’m sure the facility shitsy lives in probably already had him tested for rabies.

[soldiermedic76]

I was thinking he more likely has CWD, Scrapies or BSE, something that eats holes in the brain and takes longer to kill the host. Granted the former two only infect ungulates, and it's questionable how much BSE can cause CJKD, but it would explain the behavior.

[SQRLSY]

"Hang Mike Pence"!

Now THIS is how the SANE and NON-diseased, NON-infected, PervFected People think and stink, right, Oh PervFected One?

"Hang Mike Pence; All Hail Cummander-in-Chief Dear Leader who TOLD us to do that!"

[Fire up the Woodchippers! (5-30 Banana Republic Day)]

It’s a shame Peanut is dead and not SQRLSY.

[SQRLSY]

Hey Punk Boogers! HERE is your “fix”! Try shit, you might LIKE shit!!!

https://rentahitman.com/ … If’n ye check ’em out & buy their service, ye will be… A Shitman hiring a hitman!!!

If’n ye won’t help your own pathetic self, even when given a WIDE OPEN invitation, then WHY should ANYONE pity you? Punk Boogers, if your welfare check is too small to cover the hitman… You shitman you… Then take out a GoFundMe page already!!!

Also, in case of a “miracle happens here” and ye want to get OFF of welfare and get yourself an honest, respectable, upstanding-kinda JOB, then be advised that rent-a-hitman is HIRING! See https://rentahitman.com/careers-1

[Mickey Rat]

At least Peanut is no longer living in potentially unsafe conditions.

This story is too surreal.

[mad.casual]

This story is too surreal.

Sit down, son, lemme regale you with a tale about how the entire country spent "Two weeks" when I was younger.

[SQRLSY]

We had to KILL Peanut in order to SAVE Peanut!!!

[Eeyore]

At least the aborted clumps of cells don't have mothers that don't want them.

[sarcasmic]

Did they ask permission? Were they obeying orders? No? Then they're no different than illegal aliens.

[Don't look at me!]

So it’s ok to I’ll them because democrats did it first?

[Eeyore]

That squirrel was probably a 20000th generation descendant of native New York squirrels. Closer to a native American than any human could claim to be.

[Mother's Lament (garbage)]

Remind me again where the NYSDEC paid for the squirrel's medical, food, rent and gave it an allowance of $2k a month, Sarckles.

[Eeyore]

If they thought for a minute that the squirrel was capable of voting Dem, the squirrel would still be alive.

[R Mac]

The function of agencies is to reduce your agency.

That's the connection between killing an innocent squirrel and the unraveling of civilization itself. One may be trivial, and the other apocalyptic, but they are driven by the same impulse.

The impulse to regulate. Agencies regulate things. It means, literally, from its roots, "to make regular".

It's not regular to have a squirrel as a pet.

Make no mistake. That's what this is about.

Oh, there will be plenty of legal quibbling from the statists over who did, or didn't, or should have had, a special license to keep wildlife, which is apparently a sort of permission slip from the government that they want you to get before you do stuff.

But none of that mattered. Because the real reason, the real reason we have silly agencies, and silly laws, and silly bureaucracy, is that if governments confined themselves to doing what was needful, they wouldn't have much to do, and then people would start asking uncomfortable questions, like where exactly that full third of every paycheck is going.

So you have a bunch of agencies knocking about looking for things to do. To justify their jobs, and their budgets.

And what they end up doing is ... meddling. They have a bias towards action, because inaction doesn't give them power or money. And they have a bias towards NO, because YES doesn't give them power or money.

Can I launch a rocket?

NO, it might upset a seal. Or hit a shark on the way down.

Can I paint my house purple?

NO, it might affect other people's property values.

Can I create a bank account under my authorial pseudonym?

NO, you might use it to evade taxes.

Can I care for an abandoned baby squirrel?

NO, it might might have rabies.

And the reasons are always nothing more than thin coat of excuse, painted over the desire for more control.

When you have enough government agencies regulating aspects of life, you are only allowed to do what is regular.

What everyone else does.

This is insufferable, of course, and Patrick Henry would have been stacking bodies by now. So should we.

But it gets worse.

It's not just high-handed.

It's not just dystopian.

It's not just tyrannical.

It's not just miserable and petty and small-minded.

It's civilization-destroying.

Why?

Because civilization and technological progress are a very specialized things, requiring a unique set of conditions.

This is why most societies, throughout history, haven't had any progress. They've just spent generation after generation whacking at the dirt with a stick to grow taro root.

Civilizational progress, that rare jewel that only a few societies have achieved, depends upon a whole bunch of factors adding up to an environment where trying new things is easy and frictionless.

New things.

Novel things.

Innovative things.

Things that haven't been tried before.

Things that aren't normal.

Things that aren't regular.

Things that you can't do when everything is made regular.

Things you can't do when everything is regulated.

It's not regular to keep a pet squirrel.

It's also not regular to shine high-frequency radiation through people and take pictures with it.

Or to put up metal rods to attract lightning and see what you can do with it.

Or to treat diseases with bread mold.

Or to attach kite stuff to a bicycle and try to fly.

Every innovation that separates us from famine, poverty, disease, and squalor started out as an abnormal behavior that made other people uncomfortable.

This is why liberty leads to technology, to wealth, to civilization, to quality of life, to... everything.

And this is why bureaucracy takes it all away.

And this time, in the process, it killed a small, harmless, innocent, loving animal.

No not killed.

Murdered.

Because it did so with premeditation and malice aforethought.

Peanut was happy.

Peanut had never known anything from a human being but love.

Peanut hadn't a drop of malice in his soul.

Peanut didn't understand why he was being taken from the only home he had ever known, to a place of execution, to be killed.

Peanut didn't understand what he had done wrong.

Peanut died confused, alone, and terrified.

Peanut died so that a small collection of petty, spiteful, officious "human beings" could have jobs and feel important.

The harm they did, while small in the universe, was not small in Peanut's universe.

And it can never be put right.

So I say it's time for ordinary decent human beings who do not delight in the misery of others to stop being so goddamn polite and orderly.

Because it's not squirrels who need killing.

It's bureaucrats.

https://x.com/Devon_Eriksen_/status/1853089493026283864

[mad.casual]

It’s not regular to have a squirrel as a pet.

Make no mistake. That’s what this is about.

Oh, there will be plenty of legal quibbling from the statists over who did, or didn’t, or should have had, a special license to keep wildlife, which is apparently a sort of permission slip from the government that they want you to get before you do stuff.

Again, “Squirrels are wildlife” is the Statist position. Wild squirrels, even young ones, don’t generally approach humans. Their parents don’t generally get run over by cars. There are no humans to approach. Most anything else they do approach would also kill them or leave them to starve in much more cruel ways than the life P’Nut lived.

The idea that peanut had a soul but a clump of cells doesn’t intrinsically have a soul, based on, e.g., the clump of cells’ future skin color or cultural-religious ancestry or even its future mother’s ability to contribute socially as state/social ideology, has already been done a couple of times. Largely to the detriment of soulless clumps of cells of any number of trimesters between 1 and 520.

[JohnZ]

There was a time in the early 20th century when pet squirrels were popular.

[soldiermedic76]

My Grandpa once brought home a raccoon cub that they kept as a pet when my Dad was young, it eventually got ran over by a car, but my Dad said that was probably a good thing because it was getting pretty aggressive as it got older.

[soldiermedic76]

Of course this was Northeast South Dakota in the 60s. My Grandpa left his father's farm when my Dad was three (my Dad is the eldest), and took a job in town, but he never really seemed to totally give up the farming bug. He always had a couple dogs, chickens, rabbits and a garden until he died.

[soldiermedic76]

Hell, he made enough money selling vegetables, eggs and rabbits, in addition to his salary working at a lead smelter in North Idaho (moved there in 67) that he bought himself a boat with the money he raised.

[InsaneTrollLogic (Factio Democratica delenda est 5/30/24)]

And he’s right. Enough of the bureaucracy. It’s time to make these assholes unemployed.

[mad.casual]

If you think the pro-squirrel side of this issue is the no/low bureaucracy side of the equation, you're mistaken.

It's the side that makes bureaucracies to collect donations to support infant and orphan squirrels for fun.

[Gaear Grimsrud]

Yeah we can joke about this but it has hit a nerve that goes way beyond the execution of two harmless animals. It is a demonstration of the soulless nature of the authoritarian state. We all saw this on a much larger scale with the Covid tyranny but killing pets is so petty even the statists can't claim some greater good. And people are correctly perceiving that this bullshit is much more likely in a blue state. Not that Republicans aren't also evil, but they'd be a lot less likely to pull a stunt like this because the optics are political suicide.

[Juliana Frink]

You are so right.

[R Mac]

If you’re on X (formerly Twitter-drink) Devon is one of the best follows.

[Fire up the Woodchippers! (5-30 Banana Republic Day)]

Just get rid of the democrats.

[Medulla Oblongata]

"There's no way to rule innocent men. The only power any government has is to crack down on criminals. Well, when there aren't enough criminals, one makes them. One declares so many things to be a crime that it becomes impossible for men to live without breaking laws. Who wants a nation of law-abiding citizens? What's there in that for anyone? But just pass the kinds of laws that can neither be observed nor enforced nor objectively interpreted—and you create a nation of lawbreakers—and then you cash in on guilt. Now that's the system, Mr. Rearden, that's the game, and once you understand it, you'll be much easier to deal with."

[shadydave]

"He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harass our people, and eat out their substance."

[SMP0328]

[T]he New York State Department of Environmental Conservation (DEC) raided Longo’s home, seizing Peanut and another pet, a raccoon named Fred. The two animals were euthanized soon after.

Murder, arson, and rape are no big deal, especially if committed by someone illegally in the country. OTOH, if someone has a squirrel and/or a raccoon as a pet in his house, the State’s executioners will be there faster than the owner can say “what about my rights.” Thank goodness, New York State has its priorities in order. [/sarc]

[JohnTheRevelator]

Okay, yes it's against NY law to keep a pet squirrel. Now explain why they had to have 5-15 (depending on source) armed agents of the ...state wildlife agency raid the Longos' home and apparently give them shit for hours about things including his wife's immigration status that are entirely unrelated to the keeping of unlawful pets.

This smacks of an official power trip, and just because the reason for it (the power trip, not the enforcement decision itself) isn't obvious doesn't mean we should dismiss it. We seem to get SWAT raids for everything these days, and sometimes they seem to jump straight to that when it feels like there should be some due process in between. Why couldn't DEC have sent Longo a summons or helped him to get whatever license he would need to do what he was doing? Election offices (at least mine) have the ethic of trying to make sure citizens get their vote. Why can't other state agencies be similarly solicitous of the public?

[GroundTruth]

Power trip was my first response.

But then, it is for most everything bureaucrats do. Why else would they choose that job for a living (except perhaps the pension they get once they are bored with harassing us)?

[jimc5499]

With the number of illegals in New York, they are all of the sudden interested in the Wife's Immigration status. In a so called "Sanctuary State". You can't make this shit up.

[JohnZ]

It's no big deal if there are illegal aliens in the community who have an infectious form of TB that is resistant to drugs.
But if you have a pet squirrel, they will send out s 15 man SWAT team to tear your home apart, interrogate your family and hold you outside for hours while they do so. There are far too many instances where such activities occur where innocent people are murdered by the state.
Just remember who they represent.
There is no reason why any sane person would go along with this.
My hatred for the government grows daily.
RIP" Peanut and Fred. You had a happy home until vicious, murderous, authoritarian psychopaths killed you.

[Juliana Frink]

Right on!

[Fire up the Woodchippers! (5-30 Banana Republic Day)]

We need to get rid of the democrats. I don’t know why their existence is tolerated at all. That needs to change.

[XM]

"Right wingers get mad over lawful removal of squirrel"

Exhibit A in open borders liberals having ZERO sense of irony or self awareness.

[BillEverman]

"[They raided my house] as if I was a drug dealer."

What I do in the privacy of my home is my business.

What you do in the privacy of your home is also my business.

[MWAocdoc]

“Fearless Leader kill raccoon and squirrel to save them from illegal captivity.” – Natasha State und Boris Government

[See.More]

> According to ABC, DEC says the animals were euthanized in order to test them for rabies after Peanut bit someone involved in the investigation.

“[T]he animals were euthanized” is a euphemism for, “fatally struck by two stray rounds when agents fired 300 shots at them in a panic-induced orgy of mag-dumping.”

[Gaear Grimsrud]

Nobody fucks with the DEC!

[BillEverman]

Poor little fella probably dropped an acorn.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NKmnJgXyZpU

[AT]

I'm really kind of amazed at how worked up people are over this.

This nation intentionally and electively kills 2000 babies every day, and is promising to kill even more and later in pregnancy - but it's the youtube squirrel that dials it all up to 11 for everyone.

Dehumanize the human, humanize the non-human. That sound you just heard was Marx's boner hitting the lid of his coffin.

[Michael Ejercito]

So everyone who objects to killing the squirrel has had an abortion?

[AT]

What?

"2000 babies were intentionally aborted today."
"Oh, well, I can understand that."
"A squirrel was intentionally killed today too."
"WHAT!?! HOW DARE THEY!? THIS IS WAR!"

[Fire up the Woodchippers! (5-30 Banana Republic Day)]

Instead of killing babies and small animals, we should be euthanizing democrats. Euthanization to be compulsory.

[Grifhunter]

One would expect that the Dept. of ENVIRONMENTAL Conservation would have better things to do. Like surveilling asbestos dumping in the forest by unlicensed immigrant contractors or the fishing of undersized game-fish out of season.

[Fist of Etiquette]

Normally including online reactions in an article would bring my condemnation but considering this was an apparent social media sensation that was put down I will allow it.

[Public Entelectual]

PBS response will be a Frontline expose' of SQRLSY the rabid Libertarian

[Medulla Oblongata]

New York Authorities Announce Peanut The Squirrel Died Of COVID

PINE CITY, NY — Following the public outcry about the state's Department of Environmental Conservation raiding a local man's home and euthanizing his pet squirrel who had hundreds of thousands of social media followers, New York authorities announced Peanut the squirrel had died of COVID-19.

Officials revealed Peanut's cause of death in an effort to calm the backlash that resulted from what many people have labeled a blatant example of government overreach and misaligned priorities.

"We're saddened to announce that COVID-19 has claimed yet another victim," Governor Kathy Hochul told reporters. "An autopsy conducted yesterday revealed Peanut's caretakers had evidently failed to administer the latest vaccine booster, making it all but a guarantee that Peanut would die from COVID, as all living creatures do."

A source within the DEC corroborated the report and placed the blame squarely on the shoulders of Donald Trump's MAGA supporters. "It's a shame to see such needless loss of life," the insider said. "If Peanut had been taking the proper precautions — staying up-to-date on boosters, wearing his tiny mask, practicing social distancing from other squirrels — this would not have happened. Unfortunately, he was apparently a fan of Donald Trump and all the wild conspiracies that come along with that. Even squirrels are risking their lives when they choose to deny science."

At publishing time, authorities also emphasized that Peanut's death was due solely to COVID and had nothing to do with rumors that he had a tiny copy of Jeffrey Epstein's client list and was in possession of evidence that could have led to the arrest of Hillary Clinton.

[gotta love the Bee]