An Imagined #SCOTUS Group Chat for FDA v. American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists

#WhatsApp #SCOTUS

|The Volokh Conspiracy |

–8/26/20–

@Clerk: SG filed application for stay in abortion case. District Court entered nationwide injunction to make it easier to obtain mifepristone during the pandemic.

–9/10/20–

@Clerk: Briefing completed in abortion case.

@Chief: I vote to deny the stay. We are too close to the election to rule on abortion. What do you all think?

@RBG: Steve, Sonia, Elena, and I will join you. That makes five.

@Chief: Okay, Sam and Clarence, I assume you want to dissent?

@PhilliesFan: I can't believe I have to do this again.

@BigRed: We should vote to overrule Roe already.

@Chief: Okay, Neil and Brett, what do you think?

@RobesNotCapes: Uh, I won't say anything. Still smarting from Bostock.

@BeachWeek: I'll find some technical jurisdictional way to avoid ruling on abortion again.

@Chief: Fine. Sam, can you please finish your dissent in about a week or so.

–9/18/20–

@PhilliesFan: Hey Chief, now you have four votes.

@TheRealChief: I have an idea. What if we deny the stay without denying the stay.

@Chief: What do you mean Elena?

@TheRealChief: What if we remand to the District Court, and give it another opportunity to reconsider whether its nationwide injunction was proper. Then we don't have to do anything, but the Trump Administration loses. It's a #WinWin.

@BigRed: How is that a Win-Win? The government loses.

@BreyerPager: And perhaps the District Court can consider whether the COVID situation is still severe enough to warrant this restriction. Perhaps the situation is different. Perhaps the facts balance out differently. I like it.

@PhilliesFan: You've got to be kidding me. Do you really think the public is that stupid? You are denying the stay.

@Chief: Well, we can say that we are not indicating the Court's views on the merits. I like it. What do you think Neil?

@RobesNotCapes: Yeah, we really shouldn't be talking about abortion. Amy's confirmation hearing is in a few days. Let's keep things smooth for her. Remember when you jerks reversed one of my opinions during my hearing? Total d*ck move.

@BeachWeek: I have an idea. Let's cite some obscure opinion from five decades ago so it is really clear we aren't talking about abortion. Maybe Justice Harlan. And maybe we can dismiss the ACA as improvidently granted. Really make things easier for the Glorious ACB.

@MyBelovedWorld: Now, don't you start.

@TheRealChief: #TooSoon

@BeachWeek: Whatever. I am going to be the swing vote soon.

@MyBelovedWorld: You will be the swing vote until we welcome Justices Brown Jackson and Kruger. 6-5 will be the new 5-4.

@BreyerPager: And I will be the swing vote. Now they will have to answer my questions!

@TheRealChief: And I will be the Real Chief.

@Chief: What about me?

@TheRealChief: You can write the ERISA cases.

@PhiliesFan: Okay, I've circulated my dissent. Does anyone want to even bother replying? I called you all hypocrites. Anyone? <InsertFerrisBueller.gif>

–@GoIrish Joins Group–

@GoIrish: Hi everyone. Is it too soon for me to join?

@Chief: Welcome Amy. You were nominated. That's close enough.

–@MerrickGizzle Joins Group–

@Chief: Let me clarify. You were nominated, and have a hearing scheduled.

–@MerrickGizzle Leaves Group–

@GoIrish: Thanks Chief. I will need a bigger parking spot to fit my minivan.

@BigRed: I can move my RV a bit.

@Chief: Okay, we done here? It's getting late. I am going to call it quits.

@TheRealChief: Somewhere Josh just wrote another blog post about you retiring.

@Chief: Whatever, I've blocked him on Twitter.

@PhilliesFan: #BlueJune.

@Chief: Stop it! That stopped being funny three months ago. I can't believe he wrote an entire stupid article about the term. He really isn't funny. I doubt anyone even bothers reading his stuff till the end.

@DeputyMarshall: Okay, I am going to gavel this chat to a close. Conference tomorrow morning. Night tweeps.

NEXT: Trump Administration on Wrong Side of Important Religious Freedom Case Before the Supreme Court

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  1. I always wondered how law professors masturbated.

    Question answered. I trust that Josh was amused by his own lengthy post, and I trust that he finds himself clever insightful.

    One of the nice advantages to being a Conspirator is that you get to do these kind of posts. No actual harm done, I reckon.

    1. Except perhaps to the academic reputation of South Texas College of Law.

      1. I thought this was funny, for what it’s worth. “TheRealChief” and “BeachWeek” are particularly good.

  2. @GoIrish?

    Not @Handmaid?

    1. @Handmaid would imply a Marxist utopia where the rule would be “Jeder nach seinen Fähigkeiten, jedem nach seinen Bedürfnissen”.

  3. Abortion isn’t likely to remain an issue for the younger members of SCOTUS anyway when it merely means transferring the zygote to a sous vide bag artificial womb. I expect by 2050 many births will be by artificial insemination and go straight to the bag and a common complaint will go something like;

    @expectantParent: Gee, it’s been 36 weeks already, isn’t that kid done yet?

    @ObGyN: Technically it’s typically closer to 40 weeks because 9 months isn’t just 9×4=36. Most months have more than 28 days after all.

    @expectantParent: Don’t get smart, can’t you just bump the temp a bit and have it cook faster or put more people on the job to just get it done? Think of what parallel processing did for computers way back at the turn of the century.

    @ObGyN: You do understand you’ll still have to care for the newborn for at least eighteen years after that. Don’t you Ms. Harris?

    @expectantParent: As head mistress of the Blue States of America, do you think I’ll have time for that? That is what boarding schools are for. Just get it done so my clone can be ready to take over should the immortality thing not work out or it’s off to Kaktovik for you.

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