Brickbats

Brickbats: February 2020

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A report by Chicago's Office of Inspector General found that city police officers regularly use department-issued placards to park personal vehicles in department lots when they attend Cubs and Bears games. The lots are supposed to be used only by on-duty officers.

An Oklahoma County, Oklahoma, judge sentenced Cody Gregg to 15 years in prison after Gregg pleaded guilty to possession of cocaine with intent to distribute. Days later, a drug test found that the "cocaine" was actually powdered milk. Gregg withdrew his plea, and the judge dismissed the charge. Gregg had initially pleaded not guilty, but he changed his mind after spending two months in the Oklahoma County jail.

Australia's Department of Home Affairs says it wants to use facial recognition technology to limit children's access to online pornography. Those who want to watch porn would have their faces scanned and matched to the photos on their official IDs to prove they are adults. Critics say this would allow the government to know every porn site that any person goes to.

San Antonio, Texas, officials have agreed to pay $205,000 to settle a lawsuit brought by Natalie Simms after a police officer conducted a cavity search of her on a public street. Simms says she was sitting on a curb when officers approached, told her they thought she might have drugs, and asked to search her car. She agreed. While Simms was being detained, she says a female officer arrived and began to frisk her. That officer pulled down Simms' pants and underwear and searched her vagina, pulling out Simms' tampon and holding it up for other officers to see. The cops found no drugs.

Drexel University in Philadelphia has agreed to pay the federal government $189,062 after a former professor at the school used federal grant money to make iTunes purchases and to visit strip clubs and sports bars. That professor, Chikaodinaka D. Nwankpa, the head of Drexel's Department of Electrical and Computer Engineering, agreed to repay $53,328 to the university and to resign.

Officials at St. Andrew's Primary School in Hull, England, have barred parents from packing any drinks other than water with their children's meals. They say the move is aimed at protecting students with allergies and reducing consumption of sugary drinks.

Eliana Bauta, a former employee of New York City's Human Resources Administration, has been sentenced to two years in prison for her role in the theft of more than $300,000 in emergency benefits money from her department. Bauta used part of the money she stole to pay someone to put a voodoo spell on a former boyfriend.

Jason Kirkbride's hair is neat, tidy, and short—too short for Hodgson Academy in England, according to his mother. She says she decided to get the 14-year-old's hair cut a little shorter than usual so he could go longer between visits to the barber. But school rules say hair should be no shorter than a No. 2 clipper, so the boy received three days' detention.

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  1. These are great mostly for the Bagge cartoons.

  2. “That professor, Chikaodinaka D. Nwankpa, the head of Drexel’s Department of Electrical and Computer Engineering, agreed to repay $53,328 to the university and to resign.”

    For his Nwankypanky!!!

    I will now treat y’all to a repeat of a previous comment about this exact case…

    Chickachumbawumba Nwankypanky N-Wanker will have a SWANKER WANKER than ALL the rest, after he waits 6 months, and then gets MORE “study funding”, and studies some MORE, at the local titty bars! Or were they GAY strip clubs anyway? (Not that I am bi-assed, to be sure!)
    Butt no, sorry, I will ***NOT*** be his SWANKER WANKER YANKER!!!

    Well, it can always get worse!

    Recall the gay Canadian airline steward way back when, spread (just then “going viral” literally) AIDS all over the place? See https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ga%C3%ABtan_Dugas … Kaposi’s sarcoma spread all over the place… (As a prominent sign of the new mystery disease).

    Well anyway, hopefully Chickachumbawumba Nwankypanky N-Wanker will NOT be the starring attraction for a bunch of young fan boys, who might otherwise become the spreaders at the nexus of the next horror, known as SWANKER WANKER YANKER CHANCRE!!!

    Greedy capitalists as usual will crank out new drugs to cure it, at VASTLY inflated expenses, backed up by their bankers, so then we’ll have SWANKER WANKER YANKER CHANCRE drug-CRANKER BANKERS!!! Riots in the streets, from the anti-1% folks, I’m a-tellin’ ya!!!

    Conservative newscasters will take the side of the bankers… But one of these newscasters will be caught by a mob of angry anti-1% rioters, some of whom will proceed to PUNISH the newscasters… Said punishment-dishers-outers will be known as…
    SWANKER WANKER YANKER CHANCRE pro-drug-CRANKER-BANKER-ANCHOR SPANKERS!

    There will be those who are squeamish about personal punitive violence, but who still secretly support those with less such squeamishness. When no one is looking or listening, they will privately utter their support of the punitive ones. These more shy and secretive supporters of such things will be known as…

    SWANKER WANKER YANKER CHANCRE pro-drug-CRANKER-BANKER-ANCHOR SPANKER THANKERS!

    There will inevitably be those who will want to play gay hanky-panky with those who secretly oppose the bankers and anchors in this case, and make the often-mistaken assumption that those who merely sympathize with gays, must actually BE gay. Such prospective unwanted-gay-pass-makes will be known as “hanker-pankers”. The recipients of such unwanted passes will be temped to SPANK the makers of unwanted passes! They will be known as…

    SWANKER WANKER YANKER CHANCRE pro-drug-CRANKER-BANKER-ANCHOR SPANKER THANKER HANKER-PANKER SPANKERS!

    (Enough hanky-panky for one day, I will say).

  3. That officer pulled down Simms’ pants and underwear and searched her vagina, pulling out Simms’ tampon and holding it up for other officers to see.

    Classy! The cop should be charged with molestation, but she should also be thanked for creating more libertarians. The bigger question is this: WHY, oh WHY, is anyone in this country still consenting to these random fishing expeditions?

    “I do NOT consent to any searches, dear ‘public servants’. Am I under arrest? Am I free to go?”

    1. WHY, oh WHY, is anyone in this country still consenting to these random fishing expeditions?

      We are a nation of copsuckers, and the bastards know it. Shows like COPS reinforce that every day.

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