Brickbats

Brickbat: Never Mind

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The Jackson County, South Dakota, Sheriff's Office posted a photo to Facebook of Chris Fox's van along with a message saying the van was "associated with confirmed criminal activity in Pennington County" and "appears to use the large antenna visible on the roof to intercept WiFi, stealing credit card information." These allegations weren't true. A Pennington County deputy says that department there has seen a spike in credit card fraud in that county, and some residents had feared the van might be involved, but they never had any confirmation of illegal activity. After talking to Fox, the Pennington County sheriff's office says it has confirmed nothing illegal was going on. Fox is a businessman who spends his winters driving to bicycle shows to buy bikes and parts to resell and touring national parks.

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  1. …the Pennington County sheriff’s office says it has confirmed nothing illegal was going on.

    Considering they had confirmed criminal activity from the van, I don’t think I trust the sheriff’s confirmations.

    1. Chris Fox is innocent, but the van was up to no good. It is time for some civil asset forfeiture. South Dakota v White Van

      1. It wouldn’t be the first time a van acted entirely of its own accord. Way back in the 70s, there was Van Morrison. Not only did that vehicle have a successful musical career, it had some songs that have stood the test of time and are good to this day.

        1. Can’t trust those shifty looking brown eyed girls!

          1. That song may have stood the test of time, but it’s not good on any day.

      2. Another example of a musical vehicle, though not anywhere near as well known, is Camper Van Beethoven.

        1. How could you forget Van Johnson?

          1. Nah. If anything, it was probably Van Wilder.

          2. You need a whole, full-sized VAN to carry your Johnson? Whoa!

        2. Van Halen

          1. They admitted they’re guilty of speeding.

            1. They thought the clock was slow.

      3. It wouldn’t be the first time a van acted entirely on its own. Back in the 70s, there was one with a hugely successful musical career named Van Morrison.

        Another musical vehicle, though not anywhere near as well known, was Camper Van Beethoven.

        1. There’s a serious lag in posts appearing, fooling me into reposting. Ugh

          1. Like the story, it just shows you cannot trust anything you read on ‘social media’.

    2. They’re only saying it was associated with criminal activity, not that it was committing the crimes. You just go around accusing innocent vans of crimes all the time? The van didn’t know it was going to be involved in nefarious activities.

    3. They had confirmed the van was “associated” with criminal activity, but association does not imply causation. It basically just means the van was known to be in the area when criminal activity was also going on in the area

      1. That’s good enough for traffic stops.

  2. But the question remains: If it wasn’t the white van, who has been stealing all the wi-fi’s in Jackson County? I would think you could just drive around with your cell phone open and when you get to the house where you’ve got like 12 bars, there’s the guy with all the wi-fi.

    1. I’d like to have 12 bars at my house, but I hate to think of all the drunks that would suddenly declare me to be their VERY best friend!

  3. Once again; do NOT read Facebook.

    1. When you read Facebook, Facebook reads you.

      -Nietzsche

  4. Fox is a businessman who spends his winters driving to bicycle shows to buy bikes and parts to resell and touring national parks.

    Then why does he need a large antenna visible on the roof? *Must* I read the linked article?

    1. He also said he doesn’t have a big antenna on his van, just a plastic covering for a roof fan he uses in the summer.

      The ol’ “plastic covering” gambit, eh? Did the sheriff’s office confirm there was in fact “a roof fan”?

  5. This van looks just like the type that would kidnap young kids in broad daylight for the purpose of sex trafficking.

    1. Don’t be ridiculous. My van looks nothing like that.

  6. “stealing Wi-Fi”

    Sorry, but that van is not big enough for the interweb’s pipes and tubes.

  7. I met my daddy in a white panel van.

  8. The white van hysteria never quite goes away, does it?

    1. While time-travelling the other day (in a white van, no less!), I was raped by an incubus, AND a succubus, while ALSO being anally probed by a space alien!

      What I am REALLY saying, is, what goes on inside white vans? It often leads to ABORTIONS!!! So then, to REALLY, properly understand abortions, you have to have the right ANALOGY!

      Abortion is like this:
      You’re drunk off of your bleeding ass, driving down the road and shit, minding your own business and shit. Maybe you shouldn’t have dropped that acid, either, but the cops haven’t caught you, and, innocent till proven guilty, right? So you keep on driving… Your drunken ass is bleeding and shit, by the way, ‘cause you’ve got some wicked hemorrhoids, and shit!
      Then some space aliens swoop in on your car, and abduct you, and shit. They start anally probing you. For some strange reason, the little green men have a conscience attack, they start worrying about fucking up your health, and shit, what with your giant bleeding hemorrhoids. So they cease and desist, yank their probes out of your ass, and probe your nose instead, and shit. They don’t even bother to clean the bloody shit off of the probes, and shit!
      But then a mucus vampire circles around you and swoops in like a vulture!

      See, a mucus vampire, well, they’ve got some sort of magical nose for this kind of thing, and somehow he catches on to what’s going down, and he wants to suck your mucus, and shit. So he shows up, to get in on the action.
      But when the mucus vampire sees all your blood and shit mixed up with your mucus and shit, he gets all disgusted and shit. The blood, he can handle… Some of his best friends are blood vampires. He’s a tolerant and broad-minded vampire, and shit, you know. But REAL shit, in his mucus??! Now THAT is TOO MUCH shit, and shit!
      So he says, “Dudes, getting blood and shit into your mucus and shit, that’s like getting chocolate into your peanut butter and jelly and shit! That’s like getting your stupid and your evil all mixed up into your philosophy! This is some seriously fucked up bloody-snot shit! I’m outta here!” And the mucus vampire is SOOO sickened, he barfs all over you! Then he wraps his cloak around him like Batman folding up his bat-wings around himself, turns into a bat-shit crazy bat, and shit, and flies away, all disgusted.
      The little green men, being kinda autistic, take everything literally. They are also HORNY little green men, already excited by anally and nasally probing you, and, upon hearing the mucus vampire talking about “…seriously fucked up bloody-snot shit…”, get all carried away, and shoot their little-green-men jism all over your bloody-snot shit!

      Now if we sit back and think about this, your shit bacteria get all fucked up, ‘cause they were expecting a decent burial in your toilet, and they don’t get one. Your nasal bacteria and viruses were expecting to LIVE, or, at least, a traditional, honorable drying-out session in your booger rag, and they don’t get that, either. Your little green men sperm cells get REALLY screwed over, ‘cause they were expecting at least SOME long odds (but a real fighting chance) at some little green woman’s egg cell. Your red blood cells don’t matter, ‘cause they have no cell nucleus, let alone a nervous system, or any kind of independent life. Your white blood cells? Well, yes, they have a nucleus, and their own genes. But they’re WHITE, dammit! You cracker muthafuckers!!! WHITE means you’re a RACIST, and WHO CARES about the rights of racist honkeys?!?!
      Ergo, we must conclude, this whole thing is an abortion all around! Since abortions are, by definition, abortions, they need to be outlawed!

      1. Lithium; take it, please. For you own sake of not for the rest of us.

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