Brickbats

Brickbat: Eat a Bag of…

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Candy
Czuber / Dreamstime.com

Staff in the office of Hamilton Township, New Jersey, Mayor Kelly Yeade asked cops to investigate after someone anonymously sent her a bag of penis-shaped candy. After the company that sold the candy mocked her on its Facebook page, Yeade called off the investigation.

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  1. Some prick sent a bag of self-portraits?

    1. This could really happen! Recall fax machines and spam faxes?

      In the future, your cell phone will be attached to a small 3-D printer, and the spammers will spam your 3-D printer to send you some self-modeled candy-dicks for you! Anthony Wiener will be one-upped!!!

      I hate to think of what high-school teenagers will be doing…

  2. What if the penis-candy came equipped with scary-looking pistol grips, or perhaps even bayonet-mounting studs? Would the mayor be justified in feeling threatened then?

    (Before you answer, don’t forget, this is New Jersey we’re talking about here!)

    1. Trust me, you don’t even want to know about the thing that goes up.

    2. Man, you guys were up early today. The excitement of the midterm elections keeping you awake?

      1. Not really. I voted early, and the Vote-Fates will do their Fatey Things (unchanged by me and more); I hope that they’re not fatal!

        What keeps me up at night is the fear that hordes of invading illegal sub-humans will find the Gates of Libertopia unguarded, swarm their way all the way north to me, and mow my yard for sub-standard wages!

  3. “Eat a bag of dicks,” huh? I sometimes wonder what the Founding Fathers and next few generations of statesmen would think if they could see the state of our political discourse today.

    I think (after somehow adjusting to the innumerable things that would utterly blow their mind, of course) they would be rather bemused that we have become so genteel that the roughest thing we do (besides rant and vent a bit on these “electric fora” mostly to like-minded individuals) to hated politicians is histrionically shriek “Shame!” at them for a bit or mail them erotic confectionery.

    1. They couldn’t have known!

  4. Of *course* there’s a company that sells bags of penis-shaped candy.

    Part of the American entrepreneurial spirit.

    USA! USA! USA!

      1. Captain Picard, under deep cover in compliance with the Prime Directive (if that’s still enforced).

    1. Does the candy come with instructions? Are you supposed to chew them or just suck on them until they dissolve into a creamy, sweet liquid?

  5. Judging from the photo, it would appear Mayor Yeade has specifically pissed off Hamilton Township’s Asian community, who were nevertheless kind enough to mix some Skittles into their care package.

    1. Don’t drink what’s in the Coke cans they send you.

      1. Okay dokey,
        You play Jokey?
        I put pee pee,
        In your Cokey.

  6. Telling someone from New Jerksey she should eat a bag of dicks seems redundant.

    1. Most Jersey chicks have sucked at least 37 dicks.

  7. “My staff intercepted it and then asked the Hamilton Township police department to find out the origin of the package,” Yaede told NJ Advance Media. “When I was alerted to it I didn’t give it a second thought, and laughed it off.”

    So it wasn’t the mayor, it was somebody on her staff who thought this merited a police investigation – my guess would be a college intern.

    1. And this is how you get more bags of dicks sent your way.

    2. It was her staff?! So is she trans, gender fluid, what? Oh, that staff.

      On the upside, I think I found my next t-shirt and it should give them a little media attention.

  8. The group’s website, and its accompanying Facebook page, describe its community as “a brotherhood and sisterhood of veterans rooted in sarcasms and the things that remind us we are not alone.”

    The Dysfunctional Veterans website sells a variety of items such as T-shirts, hats, mugs, flags, patches, and pranks.

    More to the story. It would be political suicide for a Mayor to go after a veteran’s group.

    1. They’re just the vendors, if my impression is correct. But they were the ones to sunshine it. And she probably smells that there’s a good chance her secret admirer is a vet (perhaps even a PTSD patient, since the website seems to focus on that group as kind of a support center for that community and others having trouble transitioning), and this context foregrounds that detail about his life rather than making it incidental.

  9. Proving that the mayor deserved to be told to eat a bag of dicks.

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