Three Logicians

An oldie but a goodie.

|The Volokh Conspiracy |

For no apparent reason, I just wanted to share the old joke about the three logicians who walk into a bar:

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  1. Wise guys, eh?

  2. Since some commenters openly reject logic, we may have to explain it to them.

    1. I can easily follow the logic. These figures in the cartoon are Lovecraftian non-Euclidian monsters with human heads on them. Since they don’t have arms, it logically follows that they have tentacles which they’ve retracted, but which they can use to grab a beer. As part of exploring the weaknesses of human society, it would be logical that they want to learn about beer.

      QED.

    2. As far as logic puzzles go, this one shouldn’t require much ‘splainin’.

      1. This joke only works if you assume that everyone knows what they want to order. However, it is entirely possible that one of these guys has not decided yet what he wants. So the guy in the striped shirt is a bad logician, unless the universe of the joke assumes a binary truth value answer for every question.

        1. If the question is “Beer?” and someone doesn’t know yet, then his answer is not Yes and he would have terminated the logic chain himself.

          1. The first answer is “I don’t know” meaning “I don’t know if everyone wants beer.” The assumption is that the first guy wants beer, because otherwise his answer would be “no,” meaning “Not everyone wants beer.” But he could also be saying “I don’t know, because I haven’t decided yet.” This is a common enough occurrence in the real world whenever I go out with other people.

            1. If he hasn’t decided yet then he doesn’t want beer at that moment, so the answer would be “no”.

              1. He might want a beer, but also want something else.
                The question did not ask if beer was the #1 priority, or even if the people at the table were willing to purchase a beer.

    3. Who are these postmodern commenters who openly reject logic as nothing more than a language game with no demonstrable correspondence with “reality”?

  3. A Priest, a Rabbi, a cop, a fireman, and a horse walk into a bar.
    The bartender takes one look and says, “What is this, a joke?”.

    1. The fireman bends over to pick up the quarter and the priest disappears.

      Wait, wrong joke.

      1. Zat is not my dog.

        I was talking to the duck.

        You really think I wished for a 12-inch pianist?

        1. Nobody did, but he still shows up.

          1. Well, your mom did.

    2. “We don’t serve your kind in here!”

      A faster-than-light neutrino walks into a bar.

      1. Tachyon. The particle will be a tachyon.

    3. A man walks into a bar and says “Ouch!”.

      1. Two guys walk into a bar, which is pretty strange since you’d think the second guy would have heard the first guy saying “Ouch!”

    4. A cop, a black man, and a dog walk into a bar. The bartender says “Your body camera better be on” and gets arrested for resisting arrest.

    5. Three Germans walk into a BAR….

      1. A dyslexic man walks into a bra….

  4. My wife said she got a sliver from the broom.

    I told her next time to just use the car.

    1. You misspelled “groom.”

  5. Random joke time? An oldie, with apologies….

    Donald Trump, Kim Jong Un and Vlad the Putin are in an airplane. Kim asks where they are and Trump reaches his arm out of the plane and says, “We’re over NYC.” How do you know, asks Kim? “I just touched Trump Tower, the most expensive, most elegant and tallest building in the world.”

    They fly on a bit longer and Putin asks where they are. Kim reaches out of the window and says, “We’re over Sanmudong.” “How do you know?”, asks Putin. Kim replies, “I just didn’t touch an ICBM that we’re not producing.”

    They fly on a bit longer and Trump asks where they are. Putin sticks his arm out of the window and says, “We’re over Moscow.” Trump asks how he knows and Putin replies, “Someone just stole my watch.”

    1. Considering that Putin wears a $2 million dollar watch, that’s quite a haul for the thief.

        1. Pshaw, scarcely worth stealing.

      1. At first, I thought it was the Super Bowl watch his stole from Robert Kraft.

        1. Or was that a ring? Either way he’s still some nut who rides on donkeys with no shirt on.

          1. Why would anyone put a shirt on a donkey?

            1. Because the donkey was cold?

              1. And Putin’s muscley legs wouldn’t warm it up?

                1. Careful, lest we head into Erdowan-Goat territory here – and Putin doesn’t just jail those whom he dislikes.

  6. A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw!”

  7. Schr?dinger and Heisenberg get pulled over by a cop for speeding. The cop asks “Do you know exactly how fast you were going?” Heisenberg replies “No, but we knew exactly where we were.” Thinking this to be suspicious the cop searches the car and asks them to pop the trunk. He then returns to the window and says “Did you know you had a dead cat in your trunk?” and Schr?dinger replies “Well, we we do now asshole.”

    1. I like that one.

      1. Geez! You can’t swing Schr?dinger’s cat by the tail around here without hitting a bad joke!

        1. Is the cat alive or dead when you swing it?

          1. That’s the problem.

      2. Mr and Mrs Descartes are out to dinner.
        The waiter asks Mrs D. if she would like an aperitif.
        She replies: “I think not”, and then she disappears.

  8. A mushroom walks into a bar and the bartender says “we don’t serve your kind in here.” The mushroom replies “why not, Im a fungi!”

  9. We’ll be here all week.

    1. “And try to remember, it’s *tip* the waitress and *try* the veal.”

  10. “…You think I should have said, “Mickey Mantle?’ “

  11. I knew a guy with 2 wooden legs.
    He caught fire and burnt to the ground.

  12. That was a good logician joke, but this is my favorite:

    An astronomer, a physicist and a logician are travelling through the countryside. The astronomer sees a black sheep, and says “Look! All the sheep here are black!”

    The physicist replies, “Just like an astronomer! Always drawing overreaching conclusions from limited data! All we know is that *one* sheep here is black.”

    Then the logician pipes up: “Actually, all we know is that one *side* of a sheep here is black.”

  13. Two hydrogen atoms meet on the street:

    – What’s up, bro?
    – I’m in a bad shape: I’ve lost my electron.
    – Are you sure?
    – I’m positive.

  14. John Kerry walks into a bar.
    Bartender says “Why the long face?”

  15. Norm MacDonald – Professor of Logic Joke

    A little too long to transcribe…
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oseqh7SMIvo

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