Brickbat: Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer


butter knife
Richard Griffin /

In England, retiring Luton Crown Court Judge Nic Madge admits that laws meant to keep knives out of the hands of criminals have had "almost no effect." So he wants some more laws. Madge says most knives used in street crimes are just regular kitchen knives. But he says the typical home chef doesn't really need a pointed knife, especially a long one. He wants officials to "consider preventing the sale of long pointed knives, except in rare, defined circumstances."

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  1. First, they came for the guns. Then the knives. And then the cricket bats…

    1. And a pointed stick…

      1. Shut up!

      2. But how do you protect yourself when attacked by a banana?

    2. And then the cricket bats…

      Nihilists hardest hit.

      1. Say what you will about tenets of National Socialism dude, at least it’s an ethos.

    3. Those long, two-tined bbq forks are just as pointy as a knife.

    4. Eventually they’ll be all the way down to banning sharp pieces of flint.

      1. that is soooo last week…

    5. This is just common sense knife control.

      Nobody needs an assault knife, and pretty much any pointy knife can be used as an assault knife.

      If this law saves just one child, it will be worth it.

      Of course, there are bitter Britons who “cling to knives or religion or antipathy toward people who aren’t like them”. Common sense knife control sounds like a good way to round them up in a re-education camp.

  2. Only an actual, trained chef needs a decent kitchen knife?

    By that logic, only a race car driver needs a fast car, only professional models need non-raggedy clothing, and only a literary critic needs any well-written books to read.

    Is this guy serious? Maybe he’s retiring because he has lost his marbles and can’t preside over a courtroom any longer.

    1. By that logic, only a race car driver needs a fast car, only professional models need non-raggedy clothing, and only a literary critic needs any well-written books to read.

      Now you get it. They’ll prepare a list for you.

      1. You get a funnel and personal lubricant.

    2. It’s the logic of collectivism. You don’t need anything except what your benevolent commissars, guided by The Five Year Plan, provide to you.

      1. It is also the logic of progressivism; to incrementally protect you from everything you do not truly “need”

    3. By that logic, only a race car driver needs a fast car, only professional models need non-raggedy clothing, and only a literary critic needs any well-written books to read.

      Don’t them ideas. Those are all things that various statist shitheels would love to ban.

      Fast cars: Gas guzzlers! Why do hate Mother Gaia?!

      Non-raggedy clothing: Bourgeois! Everyone should just wear identical clothes. I’m thinking something grey and non-descript.

      Well written books to read: Your “betters” will determine which books are worthy of public consumption. All others will be burned and any digital copies destroyed.

    1. The spam-bots can’t even get their links right anymore. Sad.

  3. How do you get to be a chef if you can’t have long pointed knives? Or can you just declare yourself a chef or is this a way for the government to require registration as a chef and then knife registration? Will there be a background check needed to buy a long pointed knife. Think how great this could be for bureaucrats. After knife registration then comes blacksmith registration and inspection of forges.

    In the end it could mean no knock warrants to search for long pointy things like pencils.

    /sarc hopefully

    1. You can’t be a chef until you’re licensed, silly. Which includes 1400 hours of instruction on silverware placement, and yearly required courses on the sexual implications of knife usage as it related to oppressed gender dysphoria.

    2. Nice try, but not ‘/sarc’. Not even close.

      When my daughter enrolled in public high school over a decade ago, there was a three page list of prohibited items. On that list were pencils and pens. I asked the principal if all the students did their work with those huge non-pointed first grade crayons, or what. He was not amused.
      She took pencils and pens to school in violation of the rules. She managed to graduate with excellent grades and only minor mental health issues.
      I suspect that was one of the ‘captain’s cloak’ rules to allow suspension or expulsion of a student for any whim of the administration.

    3. a few years ago, I had an Air Canada flight attendant confiscate a plastic toothpick, while leaving me with a much more function weapon, a Cross pen…which would you rather get stabbed with?

  4. All they need is some reasonable, common sense chef laws.

    1. Ever eaten over there? They need reasonable common sense chefs.

  5. I see GB as a source of cautionary tales for the rest of us who aren’t quite in the collective just yet. So to what extent must the “general population” of this open air prison/ psych ward be restricted so as to deprive the hard core element of their means to cause harm? It a a road some in this country would love to travel.

    1. it’s not just Great Britain. Banning knives is just its special talent. All of Europe is in the same mindset of authoritarian micro-management. There is no aspect of European life too small for the authoritarians to latch onto as their next hobby horse. China may have invented bureaucracy, but Europe brought it to perfection.

      And that’s the continent the Left wants America to be more like.

  6. Clearly this judge is retiring because of senility.
    Citizens of Great Britain, of all nations, should remember the effectiveness of edged weapons without real pointy ends.
    Slash your enemy open with the edge, and you do not have to waste time pulling the sword out of his body.

  7. Maybe they just like inflicting pain:

    Sheriff of Nottingham to Robin Hood: Locksley! I’ll cut your ‘eart out with a spoon!
    (Later) Sir Guy of Gisbourne to Nottingham: Why a spoon, cousin? Why not a sword or an axe?
    Nottingham: Cause it’s dull you twit! It’ll ‘urt more!

    1. Sir Bartholemew of Springfield to an Antipodean colonist
      That’s not a knife, that’s a spoon.

  8. Just knives? What about forks, with their sharp, pointy tines? Just make it mandatory that all UK citizens can only have spoons, or maybe sporks. That’ll fix everything, right?

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