The Volokh Conspiracy
Mostly law professors | Sometimes contrarian | Often libertarian | Always independent
I got the evidence in my email just yesterday night:
THE EXECUTIVE ORDER IN FULL PROTECTING THE NATION FROM FOREIGN TERRORIST ENTRY INTO THE UNITED STATES.
By the authority vested in me as President by the Constitution and laws of the United States of America, including the Monetary and Anti-terrorist Act (MAA), 9 U.S.C. 1100 ET seq., and section 301 of title 3, United States Code, and to protect the American people from terrorist attacks by foreign nationals admitted to the United States, I was yesterday furnished with your case file by the attorney general of United States of America concerning a criminal and terrorist case against you, in the statement of your case file, a huge amount of money that valued the sum of $8.5 million dollars was confiscated by the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) belonging to you which was smuggled into our country illegally without authentic documents that covers it.
Today, my verdict on the matter is follows: That you have been listed among others as a wanted terrorist for involving in such an illicit act, I have given order to put the fund on hold until the matter is resolved, every details about your dealings with some impostors from African countries has been tendered to me and I will ensure that the security agencies that is assigned to carry out this operation is well equip and finance to perfect this assignment, I am here to correct all the mistakes by the past administration and also to ensure that peace is return to our country, I will make sure that my ban on immigration especially the listed countries is final so that we will be safe from terror.
My findings today has indicated that the said $8.5 million dollars that belongs to you originated from Nigeria approved by their past administration as a compensation but it was not covered with documents such as Anti-terrorist and Ownership Certificate which is necessary and a reasonable person should know that before such a fund would be transferred either by diplomatic means or wire transfer, it has to be covered with the above mentioned documents.
I am giving you only 3 working days to get the documents available to me, otherwise, I will order for your immediate arrest wherever you are for prosecution and I will make sure that you are jailed for life, for your information, I have before me every evidence to nail you down and you can not escape the justice not while I am still the president.
This order shall be implemented consistent with applicable law and subject to the availability of appropriations.This order is not intended to, and does not, create any right or benefit, substantive or procedural, enforceable at law or in equity by any party against the United States, its departments, agencies, or entities, its officers, employees, or agents, or any other person.
You are advised to forward immediately the Award Ownership Certificate if you have it with you, but if you did not have it we will urge you to contact Nigeria chief justice to enable him obtaining this required Clearance Certificate from the appropriate government agency in your name so that the Security Agency would not have anything evidence to nail you as a money-laundering or sponsorship of Terrorist Activities if at all you did not have it.
Below is the contact information of Nigeria chief justice
Your urgent responds is highly needed today
Donald J. Trump
Address: 1600 Pennsylvania Ave NW,
Washington, DC 20500, USA
Naturally, I responded with my Social Security number and bank account information right away, and I expect my $8.5 million Any Day Now—plus, of course, I will avoid President Trump nailing me down and getting me jailed for life …
Really, I did receive this email last night (but didn't see it until today, because it was routed to my spam folder, unsurprisingly). I can vouch for that, if for nothing else.