U.S. Kills ISIS Leader in Afghanistan, Turkey Arrests More Human Rights Activists, and an Oregon Highway Gets Covered in Eels: P.M. Links

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  • Slime EELS!!!! AKA Hagfish
    dirtsailor2003/Flickr

    The Pentagon announced the death of ISIS's leader in Afghanistan. A July 11 airstrike in Kunar province reportedly killed Abu Sayed, the emir of ISIS-K. No doubt the war on terror will now come to a quick and conclusive end.

  • Turkey has arrested the country's local director of Amnesty International, Idil Eser, on suspicion of being part of an "armed terrorist organization."
  • A truck full of "slime eels" crashed along Highway 101 in Oregon covering both the road and motorists with a healthy coating of slime, and thousands of writhing sea creatures.
  • The woman who was arrested for laughing at Jeff Session's confirmation hearing has had her conviction thrown out.
  • Trustees report that the Social Security trust fund will be depleted in 17 years.

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  1. Trustees report that the Social Security trust fund will be depleted in 17 years ago.

    I wanted to be a trust fund geezer!

    1. I think that the proper time-travel grammar formulation is “will have had been depleted”.

      1. For the love of all that is holy, do not try to translate this into German.

      2. If anyone needs an example sentence first, before attempting to translate:

        When the IPAs will have had been depleted, we can start drinking the good beer.

        1. Ha, ha, joke’s on you. The hipster hops conspiracy will ensure that that will never have been about to have happened.

        2. >>>When the IPAs will have had been depleted

          I may finally be full of IPAs.

          1. I heard Iraq was full of IPA’s, which is why we had to start using drones.

    2. Hello.

      “A truck full of “slime eels” crashed along Highway 101 in Oregon covering both the road and motorists with a healthy coating of slime, and thousands of writhing sea creatures.”

      Is that how they’re describing politicians now?

      Huh.

      1. I think there’s an extra comma in that sentence. The road and motorists were covered by slime and eels. With the comma the ‘and thousands of sea creatures’ part just seems like a tacked on non-sequitur.

  2. The woman who was arrested for laughing at Jeff Session’s confirmation hearing has had her conviction thrown out.

    Sessions doesn’t care unless they can add a drug charge in there, too.

    1. Did the conviction laugh at Sessions too?

  3. A truck full of “slime eels” crashed along Highway 101 in Oregon covering both the road and motorists with a healthy coating of slime, and thousands of writhing sea creatures.

    Hawt.

  4. Hello. I’m here for the penis origami. Can Trump twist his testicles into the hamburger inside the mouth of the average right-wing commentator on Reason? Let’s find out below.

    1. Hello. I’m here for the penis origami.

      Not the first time you said that, is it?

      1. Duh. I’m trying to turn a dumb meme into a smart one. You know, how so-called libertarians on this board continue to apologize for the worst forms of corruption and incompetence under Dear Leader while demanding that we start The 17th congressional investigation into the Clinton emailz.

        1. >>>I’m trying to…

          whatever you are trying to, stop.

        2. Its not a meme if you’re the only one pushing it.

        3. He’s got his Deregulation Czar in place. Brace yourself.

    2. Your rampant homophobia is triggering me

  5. Healthy Coating of Slime is my superhero name.

    1. I always wondered who Mr. Clean’s nemesis was.

  6. Turkey has arrested the country’s local director of Amnesty International, Idil Eser, on suspicion of being part of an “armed terrorist organization.”

    It would have been the perfect cover, too, if it was at all true. I mean, that coup has been suspiciously good for business as far as detaining political opposition goes.

    1. Well, Unicef was housing Hamas’ qassam rockets in Gaza, so I imagine it’s possible that there could be a rogue chapter of AI.

  7. Of course Treason’s anti Biebs bias won’t allow them to cover this: Bieber Has Boosted Puerto Rico More than Statehood Ever Would

    According to the publication Un Nuevo Dia, tourism has increased 45 percent since the song became a worldwide success. And the Central American travel agency COCHA reported that it altered many of its tours to included highlights from the filming of the Despacito music video in response to consumer demand. The Club La Factor?a in Old San Juan, for example, was the backdrop for several scenes in the video and has since become a highlight for travelers touring the island’s landmarks and stimulating the local economy.

    Have fun at those cosmo cocktail parties, Treason, while the rest of the world is inspired by good music.

    1. T Swizzle > Biebs

    2. I don’t want to live in a world where the above is a thing that actually is.

    3. My favorite Beiber memory is still from 10 years ago when I my GF’s foster sister was droning on and I asked if Justin Bieber was a kid in her class.

      LOL that face she made. hahaha

  8. No doubt the war on terror will now come to a quick and conclusive end.

    Sarcasm. Yeah, that’s going to stop terrorism.

  9. Dimon Says Being an American Abroad Is ‘Almost an Embarrassment’

    Great, another wealthy twat lecturing Americans about how awful we are.

    “It’s almost an embarrassment being an American traveling around the world,” Dimon, 61, said on a conference call with analysts. He doesn’t like listening to the “stupid shit” Americans have to deal with, expressing frustration over the nation’s inability to invest in infrastructure and overhaul the tax code. “There would be much stronger growth if there were more intelligent decisions and less gridlock.”

    “The United States of America has to start to focus on policy which is good for all Americans, and that is infrastructure, regulation, taxation, education,” Dimon said. “Why you guys don’t write about it every day is completely beyond me. And, like, who cares about fixed-income trading in the last two weeks of June? I mean, seriously.”

    He is on to something.

    And the kicker:

    A reporter, in a follow-up question, asked the CEO if he’s frustrated with the Trump administration.

    “No,” Dimon said. “That was frustration with you.”

    *swoon*

    1. Dimon, 61

      More like 16

    2. Interesting- wants more regulation *after* sweetheart deals to acquire the corpses of WaMu and Bear Stearns.

  10. Proposed Bill Could Provide Same-Sex Couples $67M in Tax Refunds

    A bill proposed by Sen. Elizabeth Warren and Rep. Richard Neal, both Democrats of Massachusetts, could grant same-sex couples across the U.S. an estimated $67 million in tax refunds.

    The Refund Equality Act of 2017, which was introduced on Thursday, would ensure legally married same-sex couples ? who until the Supreme Court’s 2013 United States v. Windsor case were barred from filing federal taxes jointly ? are permitted to file amended tax returns back to the date of their marriage.

    1. I have no problem with this.

      1. The federal government is barred by the Constitution from passing ex post facto laws.

        If this passes, I am adding my animals as dependents and filing amended returns since I have had them.

    2. If they are in financial situation where the “marriage tax” would increase their liabilities, will they have to pay the back taxes? I suppose not if they are permitted but not required to amend their old tax returns.

      1. That would be amusing? I would not be surprised to learn that Warren is ignorant enough not to know that being married can be a tax liability.

  11. free uni on the PCH!

  12. Shit! I got caught up watching this gem and missed the starting gun.

    1. Entertaining, thanks.

      1. Best ranter on youtube, dudes a poet. He covers a bunch of stuff from video games to current events — all of it is funny and insightful imo.

        1. Snarky Ramone

    2. The Rageaholic is amazing. How he can rage so well for ten minutes at a time is beyond me. If there’s editing and multiple takes and retakes, it’s very well hidden. And then he does several a week sometimes one a day. I do not know how he does it, but he’s damned good and very entertaining.

    3. No one told you when to run?

    4. Reminds me of Dennis Miller before he became a GOP/O’Reilly drone.

  13. The Pentagon announced the death of ISIS’s leader in Afghanistan. A July 11 airstrike in Kunar province reportedly killed Abu Sayed, the emir of ISIS-K.

    It is good that all men must die; else evil would live forever.

  14. How the U.S. Postal Service has helped turn Amazon into a giant by undercharging them by $1.46 a package on postage

    the issue is that the Postal Service may be miscalculating how much it costs to deliver packages, and in turn has been undercharging clients who ship with them.

    In 2007, the Postal Service and its regulator determined that, at a minimum, 5.5 per cent of the agency’s fixed costs should go towards package delivery.

    Today, package delivery takes up 25 per cent of the Postal Service’s business, but its share of fixed costs has stayed the same.

    That means that the Postal Service is effectively subsidizing package delivery with first-class mail.

    According to an April analysis from Citigroup, if costs were fairly allocated, on average parcels would cost $1.46 more to deliver.

    1. As somebody who still pays his credit card bills by mail, I want this fixed now. My supply of Forever stamps won’t last me until my dying day (yet).

    2. What this article fails to address is that Amazon provides so much business to the USPS, that if Amazon pulled them as a shipper the USPS would have to cut thousands of mail carrier positions. The USPS uses regular route mail carriers and USPS employees that only deliver Amazon packages, especially on Sunday.

      1. Similar lines: I suspect that they have not reduced the allocation of fixed costs per package in recognition of the increase in the total number of packages.

        Meanwhile I have arranged with amazon that they never use usps for my house. I pay for prime and I want my packages to arrive on time. Every time.

        1. How did you do that?

        2. Meanwhile I have arranged with amazon that they never use usps for my house. I pay for prime and I want my packages to arrive on time. Every time.

          This actually amuses me because the only time my packages from amazon have ever been late, it’s because they’ve used UPS for that particular order.

  15. Trustees report that the Social Security trust fund will be depleted in 17 years ago.

    There goes my belief that actuaries, who deal with real numbers, are more accurate than climate change scientists, who use modified numbers. #sad.

    1. Any mention of where we are going to get the cash to convert the trust fund t bills into benefits payments?

  16. Turkey has arrested the country’s local director of Amnesty International, Idil Eser, on suspicion of being part of an “armed terrorist organization.”

    Well Turkey shouldn’t be in NATO — anyone who vilifies Amnesty Fucking International is pulling off their mask to reveal the demon horns beneath.

    1. NATO is about killing commies. Not about human rights.

  17. The woman who was arrested for laughing at Jeff Session’s confirmation hearing has had her conviction thrown out.

    #Ilaughwithher

  18. Jennifer Lawrence ‘not pretty enough’ to play Sharon Tate in Tarantino movie about Manson Family murders, slain actress’s sister says

    Quentin Tarantino is reported to be deciding between Jennifer Lawrence and Margot Robbie for the role of murdered actress Sharon Tate in a movie about the 1969 Manson Family murders.

    But Sharon’s sister Debra Tate, 64, says she’s clear in her own mind which of the accomplished actresses should get the gig, and it’s not Oscar winner JLaw.

    ‘She’s not pretty enough to play Sharon,’ Debra told TMZ Thursday. ‘My pick would be Margot simply because of her physical beauty and even the way she carries herself is similar to Sharon.’

    A). That’s completely true.
    2). I don’t want to watch a Manson family movie about the murders. Not really. Maybe everything up to the murders, like when Charlie was hanging with the Beach Boys and all that, but not the murders.

    1. You could always watch Aquarius. It was cancelled before they got to the murders.

        1. What could be more fun than Fox Mulder going after Renly Baratheon.

    2. Tate was very pretty so I get that.

      Either way I ain’t watching that movie.

    3. Dude fuck the glorification of murderers — fuck! Quentin…. why???

      1. Exactly. What’s the point but for murder porn.

        He’ll try to pass it as ‘history’ like he did that other movie – Django.

        Meh.

        1. Forgot the ?.

        2. At this point I can only think that Quentin is an avid black market snuff film fapper and as he descends this dark path he furthers his black eroticism by killing beautiful women brutally in his huge box office films.

        3. Django was murder porn but it was entertaining murder porn. Same with Inglorious Basterds.

        4. Django’s practically a cartoon. I guess that can still be “murder porn,” but it’s all so ridiculous that I’m surprised it could provoke this kind of reaction.

          If anything, he’s a purveyor of saying-nigger porn.

          1. With a side of foot fetish, of course.

    4. ‘Everything leading up to the murders’ is mostly 3 or 4 hobos fucking teenage runaways on drugs all day every day at an abandoned movie lot in the desert.

      1. He was hanging with Dennis Wilson! The Beach Boys even recorded one of Manson’s songs.

        Inherent Vice gives a fairly decent depiction, in some ways, of the California hippie scene*, so I would be interested in Tarantino’s vision of that.

        *Plus there was this random, unforgettable scene.

      2. >>> teenage runaways on drugs all day every day

        Drugstore Cowboy.

    5. Although, could you imagine the PR nightmare that would be Jennifer promoting this movie? “Yeah, I’ve been doing nothing but eating cheeseburgers, tripping going up stairs, and burping to prepare for this role because Sharon and I are both relatable women…” I don’t condone Debra being rude about JLaw’s looks, but she isn’t really the type of person I’d want honoring my sister’s memory.

      1. “My boobies are blind!”

    6. Is Tarantino playing Manson? one can only hope. He can’t really do much other than “Crazy hipster”.

      *i have never actually seen Destiny Turns on the Radio. I probably should.

  19. Trustees report that the Social Security trust fund will be depleted in 17 years ago.

    Progressive Reasoning: The Trumpocalypse explodes both forwards and backwards through the space/time continuum.

    1. So Trump is a confused Gallifreyan Time Lord? That could explain his Twitter feed; he can’t remember if the subject of his tweet has happened or has yet to happen.

      1. His midiclorion count is off the charts. He may have been conceived by the midiclorions.

    2. Three tachyon pulses, from the same position at three different times….

    1. the Wendy Peffercorns were worth it.

      1. +1 drowning for love

    2. tragedy of the commons?

  20. Roger Federer the Prince of Tennis is going for his record 19th Grand Slam title on Sunday at Wimbledon

    A sports hero worthy of worship. *HV grovels and begs to wash Federer’s feet with his hair*

    1. ^^this…i’d rather hit with him than wash him though you’re on your own

      1. Depends on whether he means the hair on his head or the other hair.

  21. >>>Christian Britschgi is an assistant editor at Reason.

    he should maybe get on that fourth dimension problem he created with Social Security

    1. Reason needs a copy editor, assistant or otherwise.

      Newspapers today are cutting back on copy editing, and it shows — our local rag is atrocious.

  22. Desiree Fairooz says her laughter during the attorney general’s confirmation hearing in January was involuntary.

    Chief Judge Robert Morin decided that the government improperly argued that Fairooz’s laugh alone ? not her reaction to being removed from the courtroom ? would be enough to find her guilty.

    Fairooz, a retired Arlington County children’s librarian, was sitting in the audience with five other activists, all dressed in pink Lady Liberty costumes.

    “I let out an involuntary laugh, or more of a chortle of disdain,” … Fairooz [said]. “We were not warned not to laugh.”

    HAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!

    1. Too bad Drill Sergeant Gunny wasn’t there to help her with keeping from laughing.

  23. the emir of ISIS-K

    Nice band name or KKK rank.

  24. Elizabeth Warren is sounding the alarm with her Democratic base, warning a Senate run by Detroit bad boy Kid Rock could be the second coming of Donald Trump.

    “… maybe this is just a marketing gimmick for a new album or tour ? but we all thought Donald Trump was just promoting his reality TV show, too,” she added.

    “And don’t even get me started about Al Franken!”

    1. Kid Rock may not have much leadership experience, but we can trust him to surround himself with good advisors.

  25. The Pentagon announced the death of ISIS’s leader in Afghanistan. A July 11 airstrike in Kunar province reportedly killed Abu Sayed, the emir of ISIS-K. No doubt the war on terror will now come to a quick and conclusive end.

    Unfortunately, ISIS announced the successor to Abu Sayed on July 12 – two days before the US was able to confirm they had killed the previous guy. And ISIS operations proceed undisturbed.

  26. Hagfish are not eels! They are bizarre freaky monstrosities with no bones or jaws, that somehow manage to be both vertebrates and invertebrates at the same time.

    Calling them ‘eels’ is just wrong in every way.

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