Caffeine

Chuck Schumer Thinks He Needs to Stop You from Shoving Chocolate Up Your Nose

Nothing gets past Senator Nanny.

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Coko Loko
Legal Lean

Apparently some people are snorting raw chocolate powder like it's snuff. Rather than pointing out that chocolate is so much more fun to eat, meddlesome Sen. Chuck Schumer (D–N.Y.) wants the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) to regulate it.

Meet Coko Loko, a snortable raw cacao concoction that also includes caffeine powder and other (perfectly legal) ingredients associated with energy drinks. Given the open and relatively cheap access to these products, it's not exactly clear why anybody would prefer an awkward snuff-influenced delivery system (it's faster, apparently), but that's a marketplace issue. If people want to buy chocolate and snort it up their nose, that's their business.

That's not good enough for Schumer. Coco Loko got a recent burst of media publicity, which has prompted Schumer to send a letter to the FDA over the weekend to demand that they do something about people doing things he doesn't want them to.

His complaint (via USA Today):

"This suspect product has no clear health value," he said in a statement. "I can't think of a single parent who thinks it is a good idea for their children to be snorting over-the-counter stimulants up their noses."

It may be a struggle for us to visualize a child who would rather shove chocolate up his or her nose rather than eat it, but we lack the capacity to see the citizenry as a collection of hapless Ralph Wiggums the way Schumer does.

Coko Loko is sold online for about $20 per small container, each of which holds about 10 doses; it is also available in some shops. That price is a pretty clear indicator that kids aren't going to be getting their hands on it easily. They can get 15 Kit Kat bars for that! This is not unlike the absurd belief that kids are going to regularly get their hands on costly marijuana edibles that look like candy.

But Schumer's "for the children" complaint is really about his regulatory war on powdered caffeine and the general panic about anything that is connected to energy-drink-like concoctions. Reason's Jacob Sullum has regularly taken note of the exaggerated fearmongering around energy drinks. Caffeine powder on its own can potentially be dangerous. But in the case of Coko Loko, we're dealing with much smaller amounts.

Apparently the product's creator got the idea from Europe, where snortable cacao is apparently a thing and has been sold there for a while, according to a Denver Post report.

The Post already turned to the FDA to see if it is going to meddle in the sales, even before Schumer started yelling about it. It's not yet clear whether the government is going to try to stop you from putting chocolate up your nose, but it is clear that it believes it has the power to do so if it so chooses.

Schumer's miserable need to interfere in your consumption choices doesn't end with caffeine. He frequently uses his powerful position as a senator to call for bans on anything he finds troublesome, from laser pointers to violent video games to virtual currencies. Indeed, his inane insistence on the federal government's role in monitoring what people put into their bodies landed him on Reason's list of enemies of freedom.

If you're actually curious about Coko Loko, here's a fellow trying it out on YouTube:

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  1. If people want to buy chocolate and snort it up their nose, that’s their business.

    I know, right?

    Decent people stick with a good, healthy, chocolate enema.

    1. The white chocolate goes in the butt and the brown chocolate goes in the nose, so its not racist.

      1. Once you go dark chocolate…

    2. It is NOT chocolate they are snorting, but Raw Cacao….BIG DIFFERENCE!!!!

  2. I’m sorry, I thought this was America!

  3. Statists gotta state.

  4. It may be a struggle for us to visualize a child who would rather shove chocolate up his or her nose rather than eat it…

    If it’s dark chocolate, up the nose is the only place for it. Vile concoction.

    1. You are worse than Hitler and Donald Trump put together.

      1. As much as i hate agreeing with you on matters of flavor, you are correct here. Dark chocolate is one of the best things on earth, hands down. Milk chocolate is for young children who don’t know anything about anything.

        1. Dark chocolate is one of the best things on earth, hands down. Milk chocolate is for young children who don’t know anything about anything.

          ^ This.

          Tempering your chocolate with milk is a waste of good chocolate.

          1. ^this.

            1. And milk.

              1. + damn I’m glad I hang out with such smart people!

                  1. There are Chocolate Gourmets (like my stepson) and Chocolate Gourmands (like me).
                    Dark chocolate… anything ‘darker’ than Hershey’s Special Dark should be considered self-abuse and regulated by Chuck (“The Idiot”) Schumer!

    2. I’ll stand with you on this Fist. I love Milk chocolate as well. All these fucking hipsters lately eating dark chocolate are basically communists.

      1. You don’t like chocolate, then. That’s OK.

        1. I can’t understand your rabid stream of communist gobbledigook.

        2. I can’t understand your rabid stream of communist gobbledigook.

    3. Wuss.

    4. White “chocolate,” too… Have you read Sandra Boynton’s book about chocolate?
      It’s wonderful… particularly the part about White “Chocolate”!

  5. Chuck Schumer should be regulating that talentless family member of his, Amy Schumer.

  6. I always figure that things like this are reactions by the nanny state to stop us from doing stuff that looks illegal. This looks like taking drugs, and regulators don’t want to be embarrassed or waste their time arresting people for drugs that end up not being drugs. So let’s ban it.

    Similarly the regulatory effort against vaping: If vaping is a legal activity how can the regulators know whether the substances people are vaping is legal or not. How can they get probable cause to search & test the public’s e-cigs and juice canisters? I’m sure the regulatory mind just eases into a belief that vaping should just be banned.

    1. Good point. Smell-a-like type subtances are allowing too many people to get off for drug crimes when the substances turn out to be perfectly legal.

      The number of cases where the field drug test pops positive and actual lab tests come up negative, would shock many people.

      Banning look-a-like products just prevent those embarrassing death by choke for fancy new vape cigs that do not need tax stamps. If those are banned then police can focus on loosies without tax stamps.

    2. I’m actually kind of surprised no one has proposed banning oregano. “It looks like weed!” Idiots.

      1. I suppose a bag of ground up weed and a bag of ground up oregano look similar. But the same can be said of any greenish herb. I thought it was supposed to smell or taste like weed. Which it really doesn’t either.

        1. No, Zeb— that’s a Wonderful Idea!
          Let’s Cloward-Piven the Feds…
          Everyone should have in their possession at ALL Times at least ONE baggie filled with oregano (or maybe spiced sea salt or something that looks like weed,) so that cops would ALWAYS find a ‘suspicious substance’ on the person they collar.
          When ALL the tests come back negative for THC or any other narcotic, the overload on the testing labs will create so much pushback that Schumer will become more of the laughingstock than he already is!

          And I didn’t submit this comment, either!

    3. Yes, though I think a lot of these people are dumb enough to think they are the same thing. If it looks similar to bad things, then it is presumably also bad until sufficient studies say it is beneficial. And it can’t just be benign, it must be positively good. And even then… ugh, it just must be bad, right?

  7. Fuck that statist asshole. Why though would you want to put chocolate in your lungs? Makes no sense to me. Just do Coke like a normal person.

  8. Gateway candy…

    1. But it LOOKS like snorting cocaine! Just like vaping LOOKS like smoking! /sarc

      Although I’m pretty sure there’s some asshat out there somewhere making that exact argument.

    2. This reminds me of when my neighbors, my sister, and I used to “smoke” Smarties (only when our parents weren’t around, of course)… and none of us are smokers now. But I can only assume Senator Schumer is not yet aware of this use for Smarties.

      1. This reminds me of when my neighbors, my sister, and I used to “smoke” Smarties

        Good euphemism.

    3. Next thing, they’ll be mainlining pure cacoa…oh the humanity…or at least be shoving Twix up their noses

  9. Christ, what an asshole.

    On some level I almost feel a little sorry for people like Fuck Schumer. It must be hell to go through life completely, utterly haunted by the crippling fear that some people may be doing something you disapprove of for fun. I guess that’s why fuckwads like him are so hell bent on making everyone else as miserable as they must be.

    1. He doesn’t care about other people’s fun, he cares about saying and doing things his constituents will like. No one loves nanny stating like a New Yorker.

    2. Please, this has nothing to do with a crippling fear of people enjoying themselves. It has everything to do with threatening a newly-emerging industry with ruinous regulations unless its members see fit to “purchase a seat at the table” by contributing to the appropriate re-election campaigns.

      1. ^This. Just a case of “nice little bizness yas got heah, be a shame if anything happened to it, ya know whad I mean?”

      2. Yes. They didn’t ask permission first.

    3. To be fair, he’s just saying what nearly every other senator wants to say – it’s only due to his rampant narissism disorder that he always manages to make it to a camera first.

  10. ban pixie sticks. immediately.

  11. I can’t snort. I have been at the 1970’s glass coffee table and tried to snort a line of cocaine. Most of it just fell right back on the table. There might be something about Chuck Schumer and his (((schnoz)))) that makes this peculiarly interesting to him.

  12. Reminds me of some dudebros that were going around in public freebasing caffeine in a big glass pipe thing. It looks super illegal, but there’s nothing about it that’s illegal (shockingly). They made Youtube videos, but I can’t find them for the life of me.

    1. Near me, there’s several places that sell caffeine in some liquid form, right over the counter!
      And I notice Cops seem to not only tolerate the process, but partake of it!

      1. It’s even often accompanied by huge mounds of gluten soaked in saturated fat and coated with diabetes-poison.

        1. Gah, nice description!. I may never eat another donut.

  13. I told a friend of mine about this snortable chocolate stuff, and later that night we had to take him to the ER cause he had Sickers Bar stuck in his nose……

    So kids…..be careful out there!

    1. Peanut allergy?

      1. Well…..He was lucky….. it was still in the wrapper!

  14. The Surgeon General needs to investigate whatever it is Senator Moobs has had shoved up his ass for years and then ban that.

  15. “This suspect product has no clear health value,” he said in a statement.

    Thank you, Senator Health-nut.

    1. I think you want to wear grey pants with a lavender shirt, but I’m not sure.

    2. Not defending him, but gynecomastia is thought to be potentially linked to the high levels of estrogen found in soy, tofu, and most vegetarian meat alternatives.

    3. A lot of things have no health value, that doesn’t mean we have to ban them. Unfortunately some people don’t see it that way.

      I wonder what things Schumer eats that would be considered to have no health value. I’m guessing there are quite a few, and that he’s a big hypocrite.

  16. RE: Chuck Schumer Thinks He Needs to Stop You from Shoving Chocolate Up Your Nose
    Nothing gets past Senator Nanny.

    Senator Schumer is going to be pretty busy going around the country tackling everyone he sees snorting crap up their noses.
    I’m pretty sure he will be exhausted by the third week of all this physical activity and get the message that one can’t stop others from putting shit up their nose.
    But I may be wrong.
    Time will tell.

  17. First they came for the snortable chocolate and we did nothing, then they came for the candy bars and again we did nothing …

    1. Too fat to care…

  18. I really wish Schumer did not put me in a position of having to argue for people’s rights to do ridiculous things.

  19. Someone heard ‘nose candy’ and ran with it I guess. God damn Europe, can’t even figure out which orifice chocolate goes into. ^_-

  20. UpChuckie Schumer needs to reread that Constitution he swore to uphold and defend. NOWHERE in that document is there one word granting FedGov any authority to meddle with anything we do/don’t put into our bodies through any means. BUTT OUTT, Chuckie.

    Besides, if FDA think they have the authority to ban a chocolate product because someone MIGHT snort it up their nose, maybe they’ll next year be banning powdered sugar because it MIGHT be used in the same wa, and even MIGHT be used to make ant poison instead of getting ripped off at the Home Cheapo.

    Nannies, get yer one way tickets back across the Puddle… we’ve no need of you this side.

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