DHS

DHS Chief Sows More Terrorism Fears to Kick Off Your Holiday Weekend

'It can happen, almost here, at any time' John Kelly tells Fox.

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As you're gassing up for your Memorial Day weekend trip, Department of Homeland Security Secretary John Kelly wants to remind you that the world is trying to kill you.

It's all part of his apparent plan to try to get Americans to support the men and women of the DHS (and the domestic security apparatus) by trying to convince us that we would all be dead without them. Kelly appeared on Fox & Friends this morning to tell us all that it's possible we would "never leave the house in the morning" if we knew what he knew about terrorism.

Fox posted a brief clip on Twitter:

Yes, if you listened carefully, you'll have heard Kelly say "It can happen, almost here, at any time." This has been Kelly's shtick after taking over leadership of the DHS. I took note of it back in April in a speech he gave that was deliberately structured to make Americans feel as though our country was under siege in order to justify unthinking compliance with anything DHS demands of us.

Speaking of those DHS demands, note that the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) is cranking up airport searches yet again. This time, allegedly because everybody tries to cram everything into their carry-on bags, security teams at several airports are ordering passengers to take more out of their bags than just their laptops—other electronics, books, and other clutter—so they can allegedly scan more effectively. So prepare for that if you're flying anywhere for the weekend.

Perhaps Kelly could tell us what he knows about terrorism and we could decide for ourselves whether to be scared. But given that Americans actually are not at significant risk of being killed by terrorists, and given the fact that many homegrown terror plots that the FBI disrupts are actually helped along by the FBI itself, he might not like the fact that we might not be spending the three-day weekend under our beds hoping the DHS will keep us safe.

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  1. In my head I initially pronounced “DHS Chief Sows More Terrorism Fears to Kick Off Your Holiday Weekend” like “Sows” was mommy pigs, parsing it something like: DHS Chief Sows: More Terrorism Fears to Kick Off Your Holiday Weekend.

    1. Like, you know, DHS is full of lady oinkies, and the chiefs among them say, “Here are some more terrorism fears….”

      Anyone out there? Peapod was out of chicken parts, so I’m short of meat for the coming week. That’s one of the problems with delivery: lack of contingencies. I’m without a car, not close enough to walk, so order online. They present at most one “if out of this, then substitute that” per item ordered. Apparently they were out of legs and the substitute for legs by the time it came to fill the truck. And putting in another order early is impracticable, considering the minimum total order.

      1. Ask your neighbor if they have some meat. In a pinch, remember that your neighbor is made of meat.

        1. Or we could just butcher a sow from DHS.

    2. Why would you admit that?

  2. But given that Americans actually are not at significant risk of being killed by terrorists

    What’s the risk of being horribly maimed by terrorists. If we look at an event lime the Boston Marathon bombing there were 3 killed, 264 injured.

    1. Your odds of winning the lottery increase by 100% if you buy 2 tickets.

    2. “What’s the risk of being horribly maimed by terrorists. If we look at an event lime the Boston Marathon bombing there were 3 killed, 264 injured.

      Boston bombing, 2013.
      Probably more maimed by bike accidents since then. But don’t let me keep you from a life of fear.

  3. ‘If you knew everything”

    It’s overrated.

  4. If you knew what I do about terrorism, you’d never leave the house

    So this guy’s house that he never leaves is decorated like a Fox News set? What a freak.

    For my part, all the times I’ve been killed by terrorists aren’t as bad as all the times I’ve been sex-trafficked, eaten by bath-salt addicts, and fallen prey to obese AIDS-infested deer tick mosquitoes with the Zika flu.

    1. What you do know about terrorism? Or what you do about terrorism?

      1. Ah, good catch! I hadn’t parsed it that way. I assumed he meant “if you had as vast an understanding as the vast understanding I possess”, but if you assume he meant “if you actually knew how little I do to actually fight terrorism, you be scared shitless” then it makes sense.

  5. If the terrorism is only directed at the US security apparatus then not only do I have nothing to worry about, I don’t even give a fuck.

    1. Amber alert! Silver alert!

    2. IT’S MOVED UP TO DEFCON 5

    3. Stay under your bed until further notice! Boogey men are about!

  6. “Sec. Kelly: If you knew what I do about terrorism, you’d never leave the house, but we do have the finest people protecting us.”

    Ba Ba Ba Ba BULL BULLSHIT!!!!!

    christ what an asshole.

  7. “you’d never leave the house, but we do have the finest people protecting us”

    So which is it? He’s trying to have it both ways.

  8. “It can happen, almost here, at any time.”

    Where is exactly is “almost here”?

    ” but we do have the finest people protecting us”

    If that were true, you’d think by now we would have at least anecdotal evidence.

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