Free-Range Kids

Security Expert Recommends Very Safe School District Install 'Man Traps,' for Extra Safety

That's the real term. Man traps.


Gualtiero Boffi

In Roxbury, New Jersey, the school district just hired the former chief of police, Jim Simonetti, to evaluate their security. And guess what? He has recommended the district spend over half a million dollars on "man traps" to be installed inside all three public schools.

That's the real term. Man traps.

These are interrogation rooms that visitors must pass through on their way into the schools. They must present identification. Then, if the guests pass muster, they are allowed in, according to the Tap Into Roxbury news service. Moreover:

Another security measure being recommended by Simonetti involves what some might label a blow to civility: People should no longer hold open, or open, a school door for those coming behind them. "I'm going to ask you not to," Simonetti said, noting that doing so creates a security breach.

Of course, holding the door open also creates community and social cohesion, but wait, won't somebody think of the children?

Treating every human like a ticking time bomb isn't just mean, it's crazy. It's just like treating every snow globe as if it were an explosive device.

We see this same attitude with the TSA. Not even the most ridiculous "threat"—say, a pair of knitting needles wielded by an 88-year-old in a home-made, lime green, hand-knit dress—can be ignored. Away the needles go.

And now Roxbury, too. Even though this is a township where the 2009 crime stats show 0 murders and three robberies. How terribly unsafe! And even though the schools already have a system in place to buzz people in. But a guy paid to find new safety loopholes somehow finds new safety loopholes and announces we must start trapping men—and women.

But for some reason they aren't called women traps, are they?