Wondering how to stay safe this terrifying happy holiday season? Here are some actual tips from the police of Fishers, Indiana.
Fishers, by the way, was named the #1 city for families by The Learning Channel. (Maybe because they're too scared to go outside, so they're stuckinside watching… the Learning Channel.) It was also named one of America's "friendliest" towns. Wikipedia reports the median Fishers family income is $103,176.
But read this advice and you'd think it's the third circle of Hell.
I whittled down these tips from the 50—yes, 50—on the police website:
Safety Tips from Fishers Police
Avoid driving alone or at night.
Avoid parking next to vans, trucks with camper shells, or cars with tinted windows.
Keep a secure hold on your purse, handbag and parcels. Do not put them down or on top of the car in order to open the door.
Automated Teller Machine (ATM)
If you must use an ATM, choose one that is located near a police station, mall, or well-lighted location. Withdraw only the amount of cash you need.
Shop during daylight hours whenever possible. If you must shop at night, go with a friend or family member.
Dress casually and comfortably.
Do not carry a purse or wallet, if possible.
Never allow children to make unaccompanied trips to the bathroom.
Be extra cautious about locking doors and windows when you leave the house, even for a few minutes.
Be sure your Christmas tree is mounted on a sturdy base so children, elderly persons or family pets cannot pull it over on themselves.
Strangers at Your Door
Residents should NEVER open the door to a stranger.
Residents should announce that they are in the house and call 911 immediately.
That goes for pregnant women and old men claiming there was "no room at the inn." Call the Fishers police immediately!