Free-Range Kids

Crazy Police Safety Tips: Stay in the House, Lock It, and Have a Happy Holiday

'Avoid driving alone or at night.'

|

Door
Edward J Block 111

Wondering how to stay safe this terrifying happy holiday season? Here are some actual tips from the police of Fishers, Indiana.

Fishers, by the way, was named the #1 city for families by The Learning Channel. (Maybe because they're too scared to go outside, so they're stuckinside watching… the Learning Channel.) It was also named one of America's "friendliest" towns. Wikipedia reports the median Fishers family income is $103,176.

But read this advice and you'd think it's the third circle of Hell.

I whittled down these tips from the 50—yes, 50—on the police website:

Safety Tips from Fishers Police

Driving

Avoid driving alone or at night.

Avoid parking next to vans, trucks with camper shells, or cars with tinted windows.

Keep a secure hold on your purse, handbag and parcels. Do not put them down or on top of the car in order to open the door.

Automated Teller Machine (ATM)

If you must use an ATM, choose one that is located near a police station, mall, or well-lighted location. Withdraw only the amount of cash you need.

Shopping

Shop during daylight hours whenever possible. If you must shop at night, go with a friend or family member.

Dress casually and comfortably.

Do not carry a purse or wallet, if possible.

Children

Never allow children to make unaccompanied trips to the bathroom.

At Home

Be extra cautious about locking doors and windows when you leave the house, even for a few minutes.

Be sure your Christmas tree is mounted on a sturdy base so children, elderly persons or family pets cannot pull it over on themselves.

Strangers at Your Door

Residents should NEVER open the door to a stranger.

Residents should announce that they are in the house and call 911 immediately.

That goes for pregnant women and old men claiming there was "no room at the inn." Call the Fishers police immediately!

NEXT: Unexplained Fireworks Market Blast in Mexico, Supervolcano in Naples, Spiders on Mars: P.M. Links

Editor's Note: We invite comments and request that they be civil and on-topic. We do not moderate or assume any responsibility for comments, which are owned by the readers who post them. Comments do not represent the views of Reason.com or Reason Foundation. We reserve the right to delete any comment for any reason at any time. Report abuses.

  1. Fishers, by the way, was named the #1 city for families by The Learning Channel.

    Big whoop. How was is ranked by the *Science* Channel?

    1. *it*

      *** gets coffee ***

  2. Additional safety tip: The call is coming from inside the house. Get out! Get out now!

  3. If you see something suspicious, quickly run up to a policeman while yelling “Hey! Hey!” but keep your hands in your pockets as it’s still winter and frostbite can occur.

    1. But then you may get shot or tazed since the policeman may fear for his life, not knowing whether you’re concealing a gun in your pocket.

      1. Then you should yell “Allahu akbar!” as that’s Arabic for “My pockets are empty!”

    2. That probably means you’re on LSD or something and the officer is fearing for his life. I hope I don’t have to explain what happens next.

  4. “Strangers at Your Door

    Residents should announce that they are in the house and call 911 immediately.”

    I hope that every resident of Fischer calls 911 when carolers or charity volunteers knock on their door.

    1. SLEEPING

      Sleep with one eye open, gripping your pillow tight. If you hear a strange sound, call 911 immediately.

      1. If you hear a strange sound,

        If you hear Metallica post-Master of Puppets, call 911 immediately.

  5. And don’t forget to scrape those window stickers……..

    http://conservativetribune.com…..criminals/

    1. “I’m With Her” lawn sign = occupants of dwelling unarmed.

  6. “Never allow children to make unaccompanied trips to the bathroom.”

    Good advice. I can’t count the number of times I’m in a public restroom and see unaccompanied children. I always make it a point to stay there with them no matter how long it takes, to make sure they get out okay.

    1. That used to be my gig.

  7. They forgot “Avoid Christmas Markets,” and any place a crowd is gathered such as a tree lighting, Christmas eve service, line at the cashier in the mall, motor vehicle bureau, post office, etc. In fact, yes, just stay in your locked house with your fully charged, speed dialed cell phone and firearm(s).

    1. But don’t most crimes happen in your own home? OMG YOU JUST LOCKED YOURSELF INSIDE THE DANGER ZONE

  8. Strangers at Your Door

    Residents should announce that they are in the house and call 911 immediately.

    Traveling salesmen hardest hit.

    1. It would be more fun to announce that nobody’s home but us unarmed defenseless wheelchair-bound chickens.

    2. Fire a few warning shots through the door.

      /tasteless joke, not actual advice

    3. Finally, an answer to the Jehovah’s Witness’ problem.

      1. You know who else came up with a solution to a certain religion’s problem?

  9. Crazy Police Safety Tips: Stay in the House, Lock It

    I thought this was going to be a list of how to stay safe from crazy police. Interestingly, about half of the suggestions make sense for that also.

  10. “Residents” is the new “citizens” — pigs’ loaded language to place themselves in a different class from their employers and their betters.

    1. What other word would you use for the people who reside in a particular place?

      1. Peasants. Future victims. Taxpayers.

        1. I find cops using term ‘civilian’ to be particularly insidious.

  11. Shopping…

    Do not carry a purse or wallet, if possible.

    I find it a little challenging to shop without my wallet but I am sure as the #1 town for families with my well-above-Fishers-median-income most merchants will be happy for me to run up a tab.

    1. Apple Pay, duh.

      1. You want them to carry their expensive smart phone?

  12. “Dress casually and comfortably.”

    I only shop in my finest treds.

    ‘Do not carry a purse or wallet, if possible.”

    And how will I pay? ‘But the police said!’ ain’t gonna cut it.

    “Residents should NEVER open the door to a stranger.”

    Not even to carollers?

    Rufus (looks through peep hole): Rufussa, it’s your mother!
    Rufussa: Answer the door!
    Rufus (looks down on police tip booklet): I can’t!
    Rufussa: Why not?
    Rufus: I don’t open the door to strangers!
    Rufussa: She’s not a stranger?
    Rufus: I think that’s open for debate!

    1. that shoulda been a !

      Whatever.

      1. i think it works if you ask it.

  13. In all the tinsel and terror of the holiday season we too often underestimate that murderous brute better known as Santa Claus. With images of last year’s gingerbread massacre freshly baked into our memories, I remind you to bolt your doors, say goodbye to your pets and lock your children in the closet. This is Walter Cronkite saying, “I told you so”.

  14. Had to go pick up wife from work. City was doing some work in front of Dominos next door to her work and there was a gas leak and the Dominos blew up and wife’s work is on fire. Everybody has gotten out when they smelled gas right before the expolosion so everyone ok but they were very close to the building when it blew. Have to go back at some point and get her car. Too bad a neighborhood to leave it overnight but not sure when they’ll let us in. Some people cars got fried. A mobile health unit out front caught on fire with people in it but they got out.

    Pics:

    http://nbc4i.com/2016/12/21/fi…..-columbus/

    1. That’s crazy, glad everyone made it out.

      1. Yeah, that’s the most important thing

          1. Thanks to you both!

            1. Zoinks! Thank the Lord it worked out fine.

    2. I’m glad everyone’s okay. Still a lousy situation all around. Especially right before Christmas.

  15. If you must use an ATM, choose one that is located near a police station, to expedite asset forfeiture proceedings.

  16. The things people “prepare” for is always such a good insight into just how good they have it. For example, a small single woman with a history of abusive relationships prepares by buying a revolver she can keep in her purse.

    A rich family with attractive marketplace skills, a gated community, and numerous ways to retire comfortably, is building a garage sized Faraday cage with all their redundant electronics boxed up inside.

    The fact that this police force can make a list of 50 unspecific things for it’s citizens to be concerned about, means that there isn’t 1 specific thing they should actually worry about.

    1. Mission creep/bureaucratic self-protection?

      Probably a low crime rate but anything COULD happen, so don’t even think about cutting the size of the police force.

  17. “Maybe because they’re too scared to go outside”

    Not because of boogeymen, but because it’s -15F outside at Christmas and with the 40 mile an hour wind, that feels like -70.

    1. That’s cold! Be sure to keep your hands in your pockets when interacting with the police.

    2. and with the 40 mile an hour wind, that feels like -70.

      Sounds like springtime in Wyoming.

  18. How much fucking crime is in this town?!? Do the police regard their population as complete imbeciles hardly capable of caring for themselves? “Avoid driving alone.. “? What if you’re single?!? Why don’t those stupid nannying pigs just cut to the chase and say, ” Live in white-knuckle terror behind bolted doors certain of your imminent death at all times”?

    1. “How much fucking crime is in this town?!?”

      Not much.

      1. Well they did have to come up with 50 ways to stay safe….

  19. If you must use an ATM, choose one that is located near a police station, mall, or well-lighted location. Withdraw only the amount of cash you need.

    Carry a gun.

  20. Never allow children to make unaccompanied trips to the bathroom.

    Because trannies? So the government insists that there’s nothing to worry about and we’re all yokels when it comes to our beloved bathroom traditions, and now our nation’s bathrooms are places to be feared?

    1. Use the state to socially engineer bathroom and instill irrational fear about said bathroom…

      For progs isn’t that a two-fer?

  21. Residents should announce that they are in the house and call 911 immediately.

    ?!!

    1. FedEx and UPS hardest hit.

    2. I mean, if they want someone to get shot, or at least their pets, that’s a really good idea.

    3. If no one answers they may assume no one is home and break in. Most of the time if you answer they give you a BS story, claim it was an accident, and leave. If they try to break in anyway, let Colt answer.

  22. If the cops are the ones telling you about the dangers of setting foot outside maybe they know something you don’t. Maybe the cops have been getting tips on asset forfeiture from the Albuquerque PD and all those bad things they’re talking about aren’t warnings, they’re promises of what the cops are going to do to you if they see you. You can claim all that merchandise is “Christmas gifts” and that cash is “Christmas shopping money”, the cops ain’t falling for that, their trained eyes recognize the tell-tale signs of drug trafficking when they see them.

  23. Yeah, that town is totally controlled by vampires…

  24. Took me a while to figure out “unaccompanied trips to the bathroom” meant “in public places”, not your home. So it wasn’t that bad.

  25. It’s not just Fishers Police. Google the following with quotes: “Avoid driving alone or at night”.

  26. My parents live in Fishers. Retirement communities, ex-urban farmland, shopping centers. Boring as fuck.

  27. And yet nothing warning against wearing suggestive or revealing clothing?

  28. i live about an hour south of there.

    i’m wondering if i can call 911 about report that there are these people with guns getting people all riled up with their crazy warnings about nothing?

  29. Residents should NEVER open the door to a stranger.

    “I’m sorry officer but I don’t know you, and my police department told me to never open the door to a stranger. Wait…why are you drawing your gun?”

  30. Paranoia will destroy-ya!

  31. I say you should leave the front door unlocked. Keep a loaded shotgun with you while you lounge around in your underwear and T-shirt watching old Bogart movies. Put a big NRA sticker on the front door and windows. Relax ? it’ll all be over soon, real soon.

Please to post comments

Comments are closed.