Aleppo Evacuations Suspended, Trump Taps Fox News Analyst for Security Council, Oklahoma 'Strongly Urges You' to Procreate: A.M. Links

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  • National Geographic Cover

    Syria has suspended the evacuation of civilians and rebel fighters from war-torn eastern Aleppo. Russia said the effort is "complete," but a Syrian military source said it was only "suspended."

  • Donald Trump has now tapped two Fox News pundits to be on his national security team, with the transition team announcing Thursday that Monica Crowley would be senior director of strategic communications for the National Security Council.
  • Trump's pick for U.S. ambassador to Israel, New York bankruptcy lawyer David M. Friedman, said he looks forward to strengthening the "unbreakable bond" between the U.S. and Israel "from the U.S. embassy in Israel's eternal capital, Jerusalem."
  • "We wanted to … look into gender as a spectrum," said National Geographic Editor-in-Chief Susan Goldberg about the magazine's new "Gender Revolution" issue. According to the labels on its cover, that spectrum includes male, transgender male, transgender female, intersex, nonbinary, bi-gender, and androgynous, but not (cisgender) female.
  • In a Pew Research Center survey conducted in early December, 64 percent said "fake news" articles "cause a great deal of confusion about the basic facts of current issues and events," but 84 percent felt very or somewhat confident that they could detect untrue stories.
  • Putin is trending in the GOP.
  • Signs designed "for the purpose of achieving an abortion-free society" are now required in Oklahoma hospital, nursing home, restaurant, and public school bathrooms. "Businesses and other organizations will apparently have to foot the bill, estimated at $2.3 million, because the legislature didn't appropriate any money for them," reports KFDX 3 news.
KFDX 3 News rendering of language required on sign

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    1. Hello.

      What’s with putting pundits in government?

      Sure, why not?

      1. I think having a professional talker as your communications head isn’t terrible.

        1. It will certainly throw the frothing lefties into another fit, probably intentionally.

      2. She’s taking over Ben Rhodes’ position. A spinmeister.

      3. She’s not bad looking either.

        1. She’s certainly no Candy…

          /Crusty approved

      4. To be fair, Crowley has a Ph.D in international studies and served as a foreign policy assistant to Nixon in his post-presidential Institute days, so she’s got Ben Rhodes and his fresh MFA in creative writing beat!

      5. The same Monica Crowley that said we need to fight this war “the way we fought the Nazis in World War II and Soviet communists during the Cold War”.

        So much WTF. Does that mean that we need have a decades-long arms race against Islam that spends them into bankruptcy while engaging in numerous proxy wars? Or does that mean that we need to have a full scale mobilization, invasion of the middle east, massive extended ground war ultimately resulting in about 20-60 million deaths, capped with the death of the maniacal fascist dictator that runs Islam?

        Note: from the context of her comments, it’s not really clear if she considers “this war” to be a war against Islam, ISIS, terrorism, the middle east, or some entirely undefined concept.

        1. Maybe she means the war on drugs. We need to send B-17s in to blow up the drug-dealing neighborhoods, clearly.

        2. Well, the Red Army defeated the allied US, UK, and Japanese armies when we invaded the Soviet Union to depose the communist government.

      6. What’s with putting pundits in government?

        We should put pandits in government instead.

  1. Putin is trending in the GOP.

    What conservative doesn’t love a commie strongman?

    1. Gen. Jack D. Ripper of SAC?

      1. +1 mineshaft gap

    2. KILL A COMMIE FOR MOMMY!!!

    3. Just win, baby.

      Trump loves Putin, the GOP loves Trump, therefore the GOP loves Putin. There’s no principles, no means to an end here. Winning is everything. If you gotta raise taxes, increase spending, add government programs, sell out your supporters and reward your enemies – despite that being 180 degrees opposite of everything you’ve passionately sworn you’ve been opposed to your entire career – none of that matters as long as you win. These people will suck a dead monkey’s dick for a shot at power.

      1. You, sir, have added an expression to my lexicon.

        1. DMD PowerShot?!

          /Proposed new energy drink!

  2. but 84 percent felt very or somewhat confident that they could detect untrue stories.

    but only if they wanted to

    1. This number sounds made up.

      1. I’m roughly 85% sure it’s true.

        1. Give or take 8%.

    2. So, when those 84% of Americans were initially told Iraq had weapons of mass destruction…

  3. Russia said the effort is “complete,” but a Syrian military source said it was only “suspended.”

    Close enough for Russkie work.

    1. The effort is complete. They won’t expend any more energy trying to move civvies out of the city.

  4. In the “Nobody gives a fuck” department – I’m halfway to my target weight.

    Yay.

    1. Soon you will be 400#.

      1. Actually, my target weight is 200. I decided to stop being a fat bastard and picked that as a reasonable value since I don’t know what I should actually me (I’ve been too big for too long)

        1. I figured you were about 200# and doubled it, since you are only half way there.

          You are trying to go up, right?

        2. I figured you were about 200# and doubled it, since you are only half way there.

          You are trying to go up, right?

          1. The squirrels have doubled their weight.

    2. Congrats! I’m 1/30th of the way there! 🙂

      Do you have a holiday plan in place? I hear that’s important.

      1. My holiday plan is to live up to my H&R Reputation and not deviate from the schema that has gotten me this far.

        1. Tap water and gruel it is.

          1. gruel

            As long as it’s thin.

      2. I’m 1/30th of the way there! 🙂

        6000 lbs?

    3. That’s great. We can get together and fake eat like Scream Queens, one of the great under-rated comedies.

    4. Congratulations.

      My unsolicited advice for the holidays: be realistic. Let yourself enjoy the holidays, realize you may gain some and be prepared to work extra hard in the new year. Also, balance that food with exercise.

      And do realize that you will sometimes reach sticky points where your weight just doesn’t move for a while.

      Fit is also as important as weight. If you can fit into the clothes you want to be wearing that is equally as important as the reading on the scale. This happens particularly when you combine diet with exercise.

      1. I’ve been fat for so long I don’t own any thin clothes. So right now everything is loose, but I don’t want to expend the cost of buying new clothes until I reach a new stable point.

        1. Thrift stores can be your friend for a while, here.

          When I lost about 60 lbs, I didn’t go crazy replacing my wardrobe until I was sure it would ‘stick’.

          1. UCS’ thin clothes?

      2. Well said buddy.

        Something I have finally internalized with this latest attempt is that one loses weight at the table and gets fit (strong) at the gym.

        Plus, the gym reinforces the diet. I don’t wanna work out for two hours and then Fuck it up with a six pack of cheese coneys.

      3. I won’t be doing any of that.

        /faint smirk.

      4. “Tonio|12.16.16 @ 9:18AM|#

        My unsolicited advice? ”

        What are the chances.

        1. OOOOhhh someone’s been drinkin some haterade!

    5. Congratulations! ( I’m assuming you mean you’re halfway to your target weight loss and not that you’re attempting to double your weight.)

      1. (yes, I’m halfway to my weight loss goal)

    6. I was just on a great weight loss plan in which I lost 30 pounds in a couple weeks. The side effects are not for the faint of heart though.

      But seriously, well done.

      1. Did this plan involve the expulsion of a budded life-form?

      2. Congratulations. Also, ewwwwwwww.

        1. Thank you.

          He’s actually 9 weeks old now but it’s been crazy because we’re also moving into a new house and haven’t had decent internet for awhile so i haven’t had much chance to post except on my phone.

          At the PM links I’ll go into more detail by posting a preview to an article I hope to submit to Jezebel or Huffpo, “My Baby is a Trump Supporter”. Stay tuned.

          1. Did sloopy and banjos send you your (voluntary) registration form for the Libertopian Breeding Project yet?

            1. And have you auctioned off naming rights yet?

              (Congratulations!)

            2. I guess mine must have gotten lost in the mail.

              *kicks tiny pebble*

              1. Not to worry, at some point sloopy and his brood will live near you, too.

          2. Congratulations, Lap, and good wishes for your family (including you).

      3. Congratulations!

      4. Congrats lap83!

        I’m happy for you!

    7. Grats. Keep it up.

    8. Congratulations!

  5. “We wanted to … look into gender as a spectrum,” said National Geographic Editor-in-Chief Susan Goldberg about the magazine’s new “Gender Revolution” issue. According to the labels on its cover, that spectrum includes male, transgender male, transgender female, intersex, nonbinary, bi-gender, and androgynous, but not (cisgender) female.

    Zeroth world problems.

    1. I’m glad I decided not to waste my hard earned money on them.

      Yet another once respectable publication rotted out by Socjus infection.

      1. I already ordered a subscription to National Geographic Kids for my daughter, since she likes reading their kind of stuff. Regretting it.

        1. “How to tell Mom and Dad you are genderqueer fluid pretrans”

          “Furries in the Wild”

        2. Yeah, my son loves their random fact books.

        3. Don’t. NatGeo Kids is almost entirely pictures of pretty animals and neat stories about the ocean. My sons loved and loved their books.

      2. Indeed. I grew up on National Geographic as a kid. When I got older, I started picking up older ones (pre-’80s) at flea markets and yard sales. They’re wonderful reading with so many great photos. Haven’t bought a new one in at least a decade, though, not since they started shoehorning global warming into every article possible.

    2. “We wanted to … look into gender as a spectrum,”

      “but the spectrum started looking back.”

    3. I’m all for fucking whoever you want to fuck, and identifying as however the fuck you want to identify. Just don’t expect me to keep up with the LBGTQXYZASDFC shit.

      1. The Alphabet Soup Brigade is not trying to be left alone, they’re trying to force everyone else to submit to their bullying and enthusiastically support their nonsense of the week. (and it does change weekly) Those insufficiently enthusastic will be destroyed.

        1. Well, that makes me all bellyfeel.

        2. I support people identifying however they want to identify. I’ll even respect that identity as much as I’m able. However, I get lost at the logic that “I’m ABC whatever, therefore you hate/are scared of me/are patriarchal/etc unless you agree with all my nonsensical progressive politics that have nothing to do with that whatsoever.”

          1. The one letter NEVER in any form of those alphabet soup-stings?

            H.

            1. Or strings, whatever…

    4. But not cisgender female….

      Because …. patriarchy

      Seriously though, straight women will eventually realize that they are the true LGBTs enemy. Because in the mind of the LGBT women should either be lesbian or claim to be men…

      1. I fuck women because I’m a closeted, un-woke(?think I’m using that right.) gay man?

      2. Not sure I follow on your last sentence.

  6. Posh cheese festival descends into chaos as woman elbowed in the boob

    The “fromage-themed extravaganza” took place on Wednesday at London’s famous Borough Market, and hordes turned up, all eager to get a taste of free cheese.

    More than 18,000 people said they were attending on Facebook, and it seems many of them actually went (unlike most events). It was too packed. People vented their annoyance at the festival, complaining of ‘dangerous overcrowding’.

    Only adding to the misery, others were frustrated at the appearance of a group of vegan protesters, who hurled insults in an anti- cheese demonstration while streaming videos of sad-looking cows.

    1. The Canadian PM was at a Cheese Festival?

      1. I thought everywhere Zoolander went was a Cheese Festival?

    2. You can have my stilton when you pry it from my cold, moldy fingers.*

      * not a euphemism

    3. I thought free cheese only came from the government.

      1. Well, all good things do come from the government. Who do you think allowed the festival to take place?

    4. Frottage upends fromage event.

      Also, link.

    5. I do know several vegans who don’t feel the need to be assholes about it all the time. I wonder if they are actually exceptions, or if the mad assholes just get all the attention.

    6. So, streaming videos of normal-looking cows.

  7. Trump’s pick for U.S. ambassador to Israel, New York bankruptcy lawyer David M. Friedman, said he looks forward to strengthening the “unbreakable bond” between the U.S. and Israel “from the U.S. embassy in Israel’s eternal capital, Jerusalem.”

    ::looks to media to explain how this is the handiwork of those nazi alt-righters::

    1. “unbreakable bond”

      “Pact of Steel” was already taken

      1. Ha Ha Ha. You make me laugh.

        GO TO GULAG!

      2. David M. Friedman, said he looks forward to strengthening the “unbreakable bond”

        If it’s unbreakable, why take the effort to make it stronger?

    2. It would be cooler if the bureaucracy screws up the paperwork and sends Unca Milty’s ancap son instead

    3. Alt Right and Zionist cabal working together. That’s how you do right wing “intersectionality”.

        1. They actually exist. My (soon to be ex, thank goodness) brother in law is one of them.

          1. You have my deepest sympathy. My thankfully now former supervisor was one as well. He believed that the idiots spewing “the Jews control the world through their nefarious extra-evil smarts” loons were correct because, according to him, Jews were smarter than everyone else. He was a huge supporter of settlements and “kill the ragheads” rhetoric, which somehow worked its way into the writing of legal opinions about insurance claims and construction law.

      1. [golf clap] for you both

      2. I’m stealing this.

      3. Huh… so… uniting opposing interests instead of dividing similar interests as left wing “intersectionality” does.

    4. I wonder if Alex Jones head has exploded over this yet.

  8. looks forward to strengthening the “unbreakable bond”

    “It’ll be *even more* unbreakable!”

  9. Meet the cyborg who wants to turn his penis into a VIBRATOR: Biohacker, 35, says a wireless implant will boost his sex life

    more

    1. Admit it. It’s your boyfriend, right?

    2. That’s not *Agile* Cyborg!

      *slap!*

      1. *slap!*

    3. He could’ve just gotten married.

    4. Meet the cyborg who wants to turn his penis into a VIBRATOR: Biohacker, 35, says a wireless implant will boost his sex life

      Isn’t this just laziness?

      The guy probably needs the workout anyway. And what happens when he is finished and the implant isn’t?

    5. Hydraulic penises for everyone!!

      Hat tip to anyone who gets the obscure reference.

  10. …”from the U.S. embassy in Israel’s eternal capital, Jerusalem.”

    Someone knows his audience.

    1. I don’t think many readers realize that Tel Aviv is the actual, technical capital of Israel, and that the statement is intended to be highly inflammatory to Palestinians, suggesting, “The US now refuses to recognize your claim”

      1. ok -that’s wrong too

        Jerusalem has always been the capital of Israel, but foreign govts don’t recognize it, and instead put their embassies in Tel Aviv

        its all a big fucking mess. the point is still the same tho – that the guy’s statement was intended to break this longstanding taboo of not recognizing Jerusalem as the de facto capital

        1. If that is not a Bat Signal for Sheldon Richman I don’t know what is.

  11. Call me crazy, but I don’t think that Nat Geo special issue to targeted to their most loyal subscribers.

    1. Hey Crazy!
      Your welcome.

      1. you’re… dammit where the hell is the edit button

    2. Their current base of loyal subscribers. Those of us who sustained them during the late twentieth century have long since abandoned them.

      1. Needs moar droopy native bewbz?

  12. Donald Trump has now tapped two Fox News pundits to be on his national security team,

    I sure hope when Jake Tapper has a sexual conquest he says “tappered” instead.

  13. You can taste garlic with your feet

    To try it out for yourself, cut a piece of fresh garlic in half. Then, in a separate room that doesn’t smell like garlic, take off your shoes and socks and place them into a plastic bag with the piece of garlic. After an hour, you’ll be able to both taste and smell the garlic.

    Here’s how: Your skin has oily and watery layers (if you remember your middle school chemistry, oil and water don’t mix), which makes it good at protecting you from outside molecules. However, garlic contains a molecule called Allicin, which has properties of both water and oil. Because of this, it can permeate the skin in your feet and travel through your blood all the way to your mouth and nose. You’ll swear you can taste garlic and that the room has a strong garlicky odor.

    1. To try it out for yourself, cut a piece of fresh garlic in half. Then, in a separate room that doesn’t smell like garlic, take off your shoes and socks and place them into a plastic bag with the piece of garlic. After an hour, you’ll be able to both taste and smell the garlic.

      Garlic figured out how to circumvent the air gap?

      1. We evolved so that wearing garlic will make your blood taste like garlic so that vampires will not attack you.

    2. I’ll take his or her word for it.

    3. I’ll bet ifs’s cyborg can taste garlic with something else.

    4. Some people have too much time on their feet.

    5. My toes taste like chicken soup.

        1. He always struck me more of a fish sticks scent.

    6. I know what I am going to be doing this weekend.

    7. The moral of the story is, don’t chew your toenails.

    8. You can taste garlic with your feet

      step 1… find Agile Cyborg’s stash

      1. The snozberries taste like snozberries.

    9. Eating garlic will make your tears smell like garlic as well

    10. It’s called “garlicboarding”, an enhanced interrogation technique used on suspected vampire terrorists.

    11. Are those instructions missing a step? Because I fail to see how putting my socks in a garlic bag while I sit at the computer 30 yards away will achieve these results unless I then proceed to put them back on after an hour.

      1. You put your feet in the bag, not your shoes. The sentence is misleading.

    12. You are not tasting garlic with feet, you are ingesting garlic juice with your feet. Your taste buds and nose are still doing the actual sensory work.

  14. “What are the real, substantial advantages of this Union of ours? Are they not summed up in the absolute freedom of trade which it secures and the community of interests that grows out of this freedom? If our States were fighting each other with hostile tariffs, and a citizen could not cross a State boundary-line without having his baggage searched, or a book printed in New York could not be sent across the river to Jersey City without being held in the post-office until duty was paid, how long would our Union last, or what would it be worth? The true benefits of our Union, the true basis of the interstate peace it secures, is that it has prevented the establishment of State tariffs, and given us free trade over the better part of a continent.” — Henry George, 1886

    1. Commerce Clause, properly interpreted.

      1. These days the fed-gov seems to have it exactly backwards: they regulate a lot of intrastate commerce but then let certain states *cough*California*cough* regulate goods produced elsewhere.

    2. Here’s a bit of trivia: the board game “Monopoly was original designed by a student of H. George to promote his idea of a single tax.

      1. Then explain the “luxury tax” square?

  15. If the US – Israel bond is “unbreakable”, how much stronger does it need to be?

    1. It’s the Gold Bond of alliances!

      1. Ah, strengthening, in trump speak, means plating in gold.

      2. This chapped my ass.

    2. Maybe it’s like a chain and he wants to just take a few links out of it. That way, we’re closer than ever to the peaceful region of the world known as the Middle East.

      1. How are we supposed to take a few links out of an unbreakable chain??

        1. Just add another unbreakable link farther up that takes up a bunch of slack.

    3. Maybe it’s like a chain and he wants to just take a few links out of it. That way, we’re closer than ever to the peaceful region of the world known as the Middle East.

  16. According to the labels on its cover, that spectrum includes male, transgender male, transgender female, intersex, nonbinary, bi-gender, and androgynous, but not (cisgender) female.

    ENB and her ilk are no longer welcome at the table.

    1. National Geographic has joined the war against feminists!

    2. I thought ENB referred to herself as non-binary. Or am I missing a joke here?

        1. Yeah, isn’t it always.

        1. They’re just being stupid as usual.

          1. No JB, the rest of the song goes “what, in the butt”. You’re welcome. P.S. – I’m sure ENB realizes she is loved here.

        2. I wasn’t. I’m not trying to be funny or offensive. I thought you had said that in an article…

          Damned if I remember what, something about sex, sexual identity, something. Anyway, I thought you said something *like* ‘I would best describe myself as non-binary’.

          Maybe on Twitter?

          1. Or I may be confusing ENB with KMW. It’s the benign senility. Sorry.

            1. Don’t worry about it man, we’ve all made regrettable passes at ENB.

    3. Cis Women aren’t really human. ~sjws

    4. Or s ol meone is trying to use it as ammunition to convince the woman in their life to do a threesome.

  17. How Phallic Cakes Became the Mascot of a Conservative Portuguese Town

    It’s festival time in Amarante, a normally quiet village in the far north of Portugal, and these phallic cakes are in abundance. The street sellers lining the sidewalks have rows of them on display. These cakes are so integral to the identity of the village, in fact, that they’ve become its most recognizable icon. In their honor, phallic symbols are rife. Even the bunting overhead flutters with white paper phalluses.

    But how did the erect penis become the symbol, the mascot, for a hyper-conservative Portuguese town?

    The cakes are known as “Bolos de S?o Gon?alo” (Saint Gon?alo cakes) or sometimes “doces f?licos” (literally phallic sweets), and they’re the object of a long-standing fertility ritual. Forget the bunches of red roses: Amarante townsfolk prefer to exchange cakes shaped like erect penises as a (none-too-subtle) token of their affections. The pastries can also be bought by or gifted to single women as a love-life good luck charm. In a way the cakes are an offering to the revered saint; an edible prayer petitioning unity, fertility, and fidelity.

    1. + Cream filling

      1. Twinkies?

      2. For 110% of your daily recommended allowance of Phallic Acid

  18. Warty Hugeman and The Girl With the Nazi-Ray Eyes: A Warty Hugeman Time Travel Adventure

    Chapter Five: Everybody Happy As The Dead Come Home

    “Where are all the guards?” Warty asked Anna after twenty minutes of creeping quietly through deserted corridors.

    “I do not know. It makes no sense. The last time I was here there were many personnel.”

    Warty was following her as they talked and kept cupping her ass with his enormous hand.

    “You are insatiable, Warty Hugeman,” she told him. He nodded and grinned.

    “I’m sick of sneaking around. Let’s head for that lab you mention and get this show on the road.”

    Anna turned and slapped him suddenly and then kissed him.

    “Come, Warty Hugeman,” she said, laughing. She slid a strong hand down the outline of his penis in the pants before taking his hand and pulling him along as she headed down a long flight of stairs. Toward the bottom, Warty began to hear sounds of machinery and felt spacetime begin to throb around him like a sore tooth.

    1. They rounded a corner after the last step and saw The Baron gesticulating wildly in front of an open, shimmering portal. Young men and women–Aryan and tall and beautiful–were lined up, two by two, and were marching in a neat column into the portal. Warty saw that the machine generating the portal was hooked up by a mass of wires to his timesuit. A low growl formed in his throat.

      The Baron looked at a comically large timepiece as the last of the Aryan couples disappeared. Warty looked around. The Baron was all alone, and Warty ran at him.

      “Ah, Hugeman,” The Baron said, turning. Warty stopped short. “About time you got here. Imagine, a time traveller turning up late.” He clicked the timepiece close and tucked it into a pocket.

      “What the fuck is going on here?” Warty demanded.

      “Say goodbye to her, Hugeman,” The Baron said. He gestured with The Scepter of White Rage. Warty turned to see a portal open beneath Anna and then another open in front of the time portal. Anna fell and screamed until she disappeared.

      “Where have you sent her?” Warty demanded.

      “Somewhere you will never find her.”

      Warty advanced on him. “I’m going to wring your fat neck.”

      The Baron underhanded The Scepter of White Rage at the open time portal and it closed without a sound. The Scepter fell and shattered, scattering pieces all over the floor.

    2. “You will never find her, Hugeman,” The Baron said. Warty punched him in the face.

      “Of course I’ll find her. I’ll give her your skin as a Fuckmas present.”

      The Baron lay on the floor, his nose smashed flat, his mouth dribbling blood.

      “You never do find her, so you can never find her. Closed loop, Hugeman.”

      “Fucking paradox. You asshole.” Warty balled a fist.

      “She’s pregnant, Hugeman. She will be the mother of my army. That’s why I took your Doomcock, so you’d grow another.” The Baron began to laugh. “An army of Aryan Hugeman. The universe is mine.”

      “But you said she was the end of the breeding program.”

      “The end and the beginning. You just fucked your own great-great-great-great-great-great- great-great-great-
      great- great-great-great-great- great-great-great-great-great-great- great-great-great-great-great-great-great-
      great-great-great- great-great-great-great-great-great-great- great-great-great-great-great- great-great-great-
      great-great-great-granddaughter! And she had sex with her own great-great-great- great-great-great-great-
      great-great-great-”

      Warty punched The Baron in the throat before he could get out thirty-eight more greats.

      “Father,” The Baron finally rasped.

    3. “Oh, shut up,” Warty told him. “Fifty generations. I probably have as much consanguinity with her as I do you.”

      The Baron struggled to move and failed.

      Warty unhooked the timesuit from where it was wired into The Baron’s makeshift time portal. He tore off the pieces of the guards’ uniforms and slipped into it.

      “If you broke this being an idiot,” he told The Baron. “I’m going to take you to a place where I can pay to have you raped to death by porcupines. And a place like that exists. I spent a weekend there once. It was hilarious.”

      The Baron groaned weakly.

      “Self-diagnostic,” Warty muttered into the suit microphone. He searched on the vast workbench next to the time portal. He found the Doomcock and slipped it into a pocket. His Doomtesticles were nearby, held tightly in a vice.

      “Assholes,” Warty said, retrieving them. They seemed fine as he examined them.

      “FULL FUNCTIONALITY,” the suit reported.

      Warty kicked the shattered pieces of the Scepter of White Rage away and squatted down next to The Baron, his testicles in hand.

      “You know what’s going to happen now, dumbfuck?” he asked The Baron. “You are going to die and never lead your army. This was all for nothing.”

      “Hugeman, I am just a portion of the ZietFuhrer. A fingernail clipping,” he whispered. “You are fucked.”

      Warty sighed and held up a forefinger. A needle slid out and he stabbed it into The Baron’s neck and read his heads-up display.

      1. consanguinity

        Now I need a dictionary to read the story? Lowest common denominator or gtfo.

      2. “have you raped to death by porcupines”

        STEVE SMITH FACE COMPETITION NOW?!

        1. “I’m going to take you to a place where I can pay to have you raped to death by porcupines. And a place like that exists. I spent a weekend there once. It was hilarious.”

          Solid gold!

        2. What a bunch of pricks.

    4. “I got you, motherfucker,” Warty said, jerking the needle out roughly. “I’m going to find you. We’re out of the loop now. Paradox can’t prevent it.”

      He laid his testicles on The Baron’s chest almost tenderly.

      “I’m going to leave now. About three seconds after you see me disappear into the timestream those are going to make it about five times as hot as the surface of a star in here. And in every direction for about a mile. That should take care of whatever Reich you said this was.”

      “You’ll never find your child!” The Baron said.

      “Probably not, but you have fun melting in a hell of nuclear fire.”

      Warty whispered a time coordinate into the suit and was gone.

      THE END

      1. Whew!

        Merry Fuckmas, SF!

      2. Temporal mechanics make my head hurt.

      3. Quick +1 for the Big Black Nemesis reference.

      4. And they said the great American novel would never be written.

        :;wipes away tear, claps loudly::

      5. Follow up with “Warty Hugeman and the Testicles of Nuclear Fire”?

      6. I missed the first four chapters. Where are they? Or did you start at Chapter 5?

        1. Oops. I forgot to put the link in. Heir

          1. Also, everyone should go and admire the artwork created for the story by commenter CPRM.

            1. Well-done, Sug. I’m saving reading this for the weekend or holiday.

              I did notice the artwork. A nice addition.

            2. Many thanks Mr Free. The artwork is splendid, the story gripping, and the subsequent confusion, shame and nausea incomparable.

              1. “gripping” Heh.

          2. is there a convenient PDF of this one?

            1. I can provide one. Email me at sugarfreejay(@)gmail.com

              1. I also have .epub and .mobi versions available.

      7. +1 Shriekback reference!

        1. Criminally underrated band.

      8. You’re doing God’s Work Sugarfree.

        Some dark, Lovecraftian, cosmic horror of a god who’s very existence lewdly fondles the fabric of time and space, but a god none-the-less

      9. Bravo. Always leave ’em screaming for more.

  19. Florida gas station robbed, suspect appeared to have drawn-on beard

    The Pasco County Sheriff’s Office is searching for a gas station robbery suspect who was caught on camera with what appears to be a drawn-on beard as a disguise.

    The incident happened at the Holiday Gas Station located at 1937 US 19 in Holiday.

    Deputies describe the suspect as a heavy-set white male in his 30s or 40s wearing a red bandana, long dark hair up in the bandana and a green military-style pilot jumpsuit. The suspect was wearing clear gloves and left the scene in a tan or brown Toyota extended cab truck and headed south on US 19.

    1. My buddy worked in Florida for a year at a hot rod place. According to his experience, the place is completely mad. The stories he had in just one year.

      1. Florida: The only state where the further south you go, the further north you go.

        It’s a weird place. I want to leave. Can’t, but want to.

        1. Incarcerated or otherwise institutionalized?

      2. One of the Australia travel books I read said everywhere you went, people said of the tropical North part of the country, they’re “madder than cut snakes”.

    2. I’ve said this before. We need to change our state motto to “Florida, you can’t make this shit up.” I really love livin here.

      1. Although in Florida, this is a 4. Maybe.

    3. what appears to be a drawn-on beard as a disguise.

      Over/under on it actually being a tattoo?

  20. In a Pew Research Center survey conducted in early December, 64 percent said “fake news” articles “cause a great deal of confusion about the basic facts of current issues and events,” but…

    …they know if it came from CNN it was bound to be wrong.

  21. Australia’s Federal Parliament House was designed to allow people to walk over the heads of politicians. Security concerns mean the roof lawns will now be fenced off (to their credit plenty of politicians have objected to this).

    Hence, the mass rolling planned for tomorrow

    Fun fact: I went to a function there many years ago, got slightly drunk, stole a wine glass, and rolled down the roof in the middle of the night. The next morning i found the broken shards of the wine glass in my coat pocket. Happy days.

    1. “These are the good old days.”

      possibly hundreds of people rolling down the grass at the one time

      What could possibly go wrong?

  22. Democrats open to replacing Obamacare

    As Republicans aim to make good on their years-long vow to quash Obamacare and replace it with their own health care vision, they’ll have to do something Democrats were never able to: Bring members of the opposing party on board. Enacting any substantive alternative will take at least eight Democratic votes in the Senate.

    Yet the GOP will have powerful leverage that Democrats lacked in 2009 ? namely, a huge number of members facing reelection in hostile territory.

    Twenty-five Democrats are on the ballot in 2018, including 10 in states that Donald Trump just won. The GOP is betting that many or most in the latter group will be under irresistible pressure to back an Obamacare replacement, if the alternative is leaving millions of people in the lurch without insurance.

    1. Anything to make Obama a distant memory.

      #Obamawhowhatcare?

        1. #Trumpdoesn’tCare

    2. Enacting any substantive alternative will take at least eight Democratic votes in the Senate

      Something something obstructionist Democrats something something

    3. Enacting any substantive alternative will take at least eight Democratic votes in the Senate.

      Um, what? No.

      1. Well, yes. Finances and appointments (excepting for the Supreme Court) are the only things that cannot be filibustered, so while it would only take a simple majority to effectively repeal Obamacare by defunding it, it will take a filibuster-proof majority to replace it.

        1. effectively repeal Obamacare by defunding it

          Would this be effective repeal? The regulations and mandates would still stay, but the exchanges, subsidies, and the Medicaid expansion would be gone. The end result would be:

          (1) You must have insurance, but
          (2) Good luck finding it, and
          (3) You must pay for it all out of pocket

          Although, that might create just the right incentive to get those 8 votes from the Democrats.

  23. As I said earlier this week, the kids are not smoking the devil weed, they are sucking down whippets like whoa. Nitrous oxide shortage sends canned whipped cream lovers into a frenzy

    Crusty Juggler has had his finger on the adolescent pulse of America’s nubile youth since the mid-nineties.

    1. I had a friend in high school who worked at a Dairy Queen. He would give us balloons filled with nitrous when the boss wasn’t around. Like whoa.

      1. I owned an ice cream shop for about three years. One of our employees locked himself in the walk-in and went through 10 cans of Red-whip in one shift. I was impressed he didn’t die.

        1. I swear. Employees sometimes.

          It’s like, where are you from and what are you?

        2. If you remember to breathe in between hits, it’s pretty hard to hurt yourself, but ten cans is quite a bender.

          1. The funny part is he was a good employee, great with customers and got shit done. I was mostly concerned for his safety and that he left me with only two cans for the rest of the weekend.

      2. I brought home a nitrous oxide tank from the lab one night in grad school.

        Almost died that night.

      3. I used to sell whippets in college. Good times. Don’t get high off your own supply.

    1. Holy motherfucker of fucking mothers! NO! I remember hearing that wretched song every morning on the radio while I got ready for school. That and that Paul Simon’s ‘Boy in the Bubble’. Bad sound tracks of going to school.

      1. What, no Canadian content? How did you bypass the jamming to pick up a bad US radio station?

        1. He graduated last year, when those hits finally made it down south to Canada (hello from Michigan).

          1. Phonics was a struggle.

    2. The only good thing about that damn song was the battleship they never should have retired just so Lockheed Martin could get paid to replace it with crap.

  24. Records: 95 Detroit poll books missing for several days

    County clerk officials on Thursday released a memo to State Elections Director Chris Thomas that said 95 poll books from the 662 precincts weren’t available at the start of the canvass, which began the day after the Nov. 8 election. Five of those poll books, which contain the names of voters and ensure the integrity of elections, were never delivered to county canvassers and presumably remain missing.

    The revelation comes atop other irregularities that have prompted a state audit. Among other issues, The Detroit News reported this week that voting machines registered more votes than they should have in one-third of all city precincts.

    “I’m not happy with how Detroit handled this election at all,” said Krista Hartounian, chairwoman of the Wayne County Board of Canvassers, which certified the election.

    1. Ah, unintended consequences. A lesson Democrats never learn.

    2. Yet somehow, Trump’s insistence that Democrats cooked the books was endangering Democracy…

  25. Here’s how Australian police deal with a 22 year old woman dying from pneumonia and septicaemia

    more

    1. Ms Dhu, a 22 year old Yamatji Aboriginal woman

      Thought she was Aboriginal? Australia treats Aboriginals like shit.

    2. … mistakes were made …

      I’m finding it real hard to understand how someone could fake onset septicemia.

  26. FBI New York Field Office Told To Continue Clinton Foundation Probe

    Officials at FBI headquarters instructed its New York field office to continue its corruption investigation into the Clinton Foundation following the election of Republican candidate Donald Trump, according to a former senior law enforcement official.

    The instructions ordered agents to “go forward” with their ongoing inquiry into the Clinton Foundation which is focusing on issues of corruption and money laundering, according to the source.

    “There were no instructions to shut it down, to discontinue or to stand down on the investigation, but to continue its work,” the former official told the Daily Caller News Foundation in an interview.

    He said he received this information about a week ago and that the order originated from the bureau’s headquarters in Washington, D.C. well after the Nov. 8 election. He did not know who at FBI Headquarters issued the order.

    1. While they’re at it, the FBI can continue *this* probe:

      Sheriff’s probe finds Obama birth certificate ‘fake’

      TW: WND

    2. Obama is going to let the Clintons and their hangers-on dangle. Best thing he’s done as president.

  27. Obama family will travel to Hawaii for holiday vacation

    The president does have one work-related event planned for his vacation[:] greet Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe at Pearl Harbor

    “Hey, Abe — you have the same name as one of our presidents!”

    1. “Shinzo? Which one was he?”

    2. I thought his last vacation was billed as his last?

  28. Daily Kos Founder Tells Readers ? ‘Be Happy for Coal Miners Losing Their Health Insurance’

    Hillary Clinton won the election, but a system designed to let a powerful minority override the will of the majority selected some asshole. For now, we have to deal with that bullshit reality, and lots of good people will suffer serious consequences. But don’t feel sorry for the ones who enabled this nightmare by voting for the incoming Trump-Putin administration. For example, why should we weep for the retired coal miners who will now lose their health insurance thanks to the GOP majority?despite the best efforts of coal-state Democrats to change the outcome?

    Don’t weep for these coal miners, now abandoned by their GOP patrons. They are getting exactly the government that they voted for. Democrats can no longer offer unrequited love and cover for them. And isn’t this what democracy is all about? They won the election! This is what they wanted!

    1. That should help

      http://www.nationalreview.com/…..easons-why

    2. The irony of leftists. They claim to care for people but in the end they submit them to ideology. They’re anti-humanists.

    3. Markos was always known for his empathy. Remember early in the Iraq war when a bunch of American contractors got hung on a bridge and his response was, “good. Fuck those guys.”

    4. Man, he’s dense. The coal miners wanted their jobs, not government handouts. And they’ll keep their jobs once all the eco regulation starts to fade away.

      1. Coal jobs aren’t disappearing because of regulation, they’re disappearing because coal sucks compared to natural gas.

        1. The only reason coal sucks compared to natural gas is because of regulation. Regulation is forcing companies to close coal plants long before their useful life has ended. Coal is very cheap and efficient.

    5. Don’t weep for these coal miners, now abandoned by their GOP patrons.

      I think it’s just a wee bit early to make that judgement. Let’s at least wait until these patrons are capable of abandoning someone, perhaps after they’re actually in power.

      1. Even if you believe the vague things that have been said on the subject, it sounds like there is still going to be some big mess of a healthcare law, but with a few of the things that people hate the most rejiggered a bit.

        These people really live in a world of their own invention.

        1. To say that he’s abandoning coal miners by taking away “their” Obamacare is kind of ridiculous considering what a disaster Obamacare has been, particularly outside of urban areas where competition is scarce and in-network doctors and facilities are often very far away. For example, my small town’s hospital is now taking only one health insurance company’s reimbursements because all the insurers have retreated into urban centers and stopped selling in rural counties altogether. I’m sure it’s just a coincidence that the places that still retain some number of competing insurers are Democratic fiefdoms.

    6. We see suffering coal miners, they just see a bunch of racist hillbillies who stood in the way of student loan forgiveness.

    7. What an asshole.

      Hillary Clinton won the election

      No. There are 50 separate elections for president (or more?). She won some and lost others. And didn’t even get a majority of the national popular vote.

    8. Isn’t it likely a retired coal miner is eligible for Medicare?

  29. “Trump’s pick for U.S. ambassador to Israel, New York bankruptcy lawyer David M. Friedman, said he looks forward to strengthening the “unbreakable bond” between the U.S. and Israel “from the U.S. embassy in Israel’s eternal capital, Jerusalem.””

    Remember the rabbi who agonized over what to tell his children about Trump’s victory?

    “Jonah and Micah, as you left for school this morning, for the first time in my life I wondered whether it was a good idea for you to wear kippot outside. On this anniversary of Kristallnacht, I found myself, for the first time, feeling that Jews are truly not safe in America, that we will ultimately become targets of populist violence. How I do I protect you today?”

    1. “How I do I protect you today?”

      By not talking to your children and poisoning them with your derp ever again idiot.

      1. A lot of this “how to reassure the children” worrying is about how to minimize the effect on the kids of Mom and Dad freaking out.

        I think of Mr. Rogers’ song, “you can never go down the drain.” Well, thanks, Fred, it wouldn’t have occurred to me that getting sucked down the bathroom drain was a possibility, except for you bringing it up.

    2. Is this idiot unaware of Trump’s daughter and son-in-law?

    3. Now that’s one Rabbi I wouldn’t seek advice.

      1. My Rabbi will always be Mel.

    4. And unlike his non-Jewish friends he can relocate to another country without getting a permission slip from the government of that country. The moment he deplanes in Tel Aviv he can claim Israeli citizenship for himself and his family.

    5. He’s too far down the Rabbi hole to be saved.

  30. Kremlin Responds To Hacking Accusations: “Laughable Nonsense”

    Following yesterday’s unsubstantiated NBC report, according to which CIA officials “believe”, but (so far) have failed to demonstrate any actual proof, that none other than Vladimir Putin is responsible for the hacking of the US presidential elections, Russia responded. On Thursday, the Kremlin disputed the so-called personal involvement by Vladimir Putin in a Russian intelligence operation to interfere in the U.S. presidential election, when Putin spokesman Dmitry Peskov told the AP the report was “laughable nonsense.”

    Peskov’s brief, if sufficient retort, was elaborated upon Russien foreign ministry spox Maria Zakharova, who accused “Western media” of being a “shill” and a “mouthpiece of various power groups”, which is ironic because the very same “mouthpiece” media is now staging a full-on assault against any media outlet that does not agree with its particular ideology, and is branding them “Russian propaganda fake news.”

    “It’s not the general public who’s being manipulated,” Zakharova said. “The general public nowadays can distinguish the truth. It’s the mass media that is manipulating themselves.”

    1. Julian Assange agrees – but the Progs have their talking points and aren’t going to believe anything else no matter how ridiculous they look.

      http://www.breitbart.com/video/2016/1…..overnment/

      1. An external locus of control is a prerequisite for government officials.

      2. Keep in mind that we know without a doubt that Manning sent all the classified info he hacked to Wikileaks. Even if the Russkies did hack the DNC and Podesta’s account–which is likely anyway, because that’s what they do–where’s the evidence that they sent everything to Wikileaks to release?

        1. Of course the Russians hacked those accounts and Hillary’s server. They were wide open unsecured systems. Our NSA would have a field day with the equivalent foreign carelessness.

          The question is, did they give them to wikileaks? The answer is probably no since security agencies dislike showing their cards.

          1. The Ruskies didn’t give the info toe Wikileaks. That DNC staffer shot in the back was the leaker on the inside.

            1) all we’ve seen of known intelligence leakers is they are young, tech savvy and have a sense of morality — Snowden, Manning, etc.

            2) wikileaks put a $10,000 reward for who assassinated the staffer.

            Espionage isn’t rocket science folks.

            1. Espionage isn’t rocket science folks.

              seventy years in, and the CIA can still screw it up.

        2. There’s none, just foolish hysteria. It does seem, as you allude to, that what actually happened is that the Russians did hack the DNC, but that the leaks published were from a separate source, as claimed by Wikileaks. I mean, it’s obvious the DNC had crap security, so they were probably hacked by everyone with basic competence and interest; this focus on the Russians is just fear-mongering.

  31. GOP: Electoral College voters will back Trump

    Despite a media frenzy around the scattered groups of liberals suggesting a groundswell of Republican opposition to Trump, there is little evidence to suggest that many GOP voters will go against the popular vote in their home states.

    An Associated Press poll of more than 330 electors published Thursday found similarly long odds for any Electoral College revolt, with both Democrats and Republicans convinced Trump will clinch the vote Monday.

    The Hill reached state party chairmen or officials for 10 of the 30 states Trump won in November, accounting for 170 of the 270 electoral votes he needs to win.

    1. But Charlie Sheen (a former psuedo-President) has politely preached to Republican electors to overturn the election…

      1. I could deal with Charlie Sheen as Prez. ‘A Porn Star In Every Pot’

      2. Martin Sheen

  32. “Oklahoma ‘Strongly Urges You’ to Procreate”

    This is a highly misleading headline. Here is what the state-mandated signs “strongly urge” – “There are many public and private agencies willing and able to help you carry your child to term and assist you and your child after your child is born, whether you choose to keep your child or to place him or her for adoption. The state of Oklahoma strongly urges you to contact them if you are pregnant.”

    So, pregnant women are being strongly urged to seek help for their pregnancies rather than killing their babies.

    (Disclaimer: I’m against mandating such signs in private businesses, but I like the part where they’re posted in government-owned bathrooms)

    1. Exactly. It’s a bit disheartening that we need to post signs reminding people to please not murder, but that’s just where we are right now.

  33. “We wanted to … look into gender as a spectrum,” said National Geographic Editor-in-Chief Susan Goldberg about the magazine’s new “Gender Revolution” issue.

    But they are still dancing around naked, covered in colored mud, right? RIGHT?

    1. Ah, the good old days. I have some issues from the 1930’s in my collection.

  34. “We wanted to … look into gender as a spectrum,” said National Geographic Editor-in-Chief Susan Goldberg about the magazine’s new “Gender Revolution” issue. According to the labels on its cover, that spectrum includes male, transgender male, transgender female, intersex, nonbinary, bi-gender, and androgynous, but not (cisgender) female.

    Jerry, just remember, it’s not a lie . . . if you believe it.

  35. Team Hillary at the beginning of 2016 v. Team Hillary at the end: Clinton arrives looking glum for her fundraiser holiday party… while once-beaming million-dollar donors like Anna Wintour dodge the cameras

    A downcast Clinton arrived at New York’s famed Plaza Hotel on Thursday night and was pictured sitting in the back of a black car as it was directed into the hotel’s loading dock garage.

    Vogue editor Anna Wintour hid her face behind a male friend as she walked through the hotel and made her way into the party.

    It is in stark contrast to the beaming attitudes they had during the recent election campaign before Clinton was beaten by Republican Donald Trump.

    Clinton gave a speech at one point during the evening, where she was joined on the stage by her husband Bill, daughter Clinton and son-in-law Marc Mezvinsky, running mate Tim Kaine and John Podesta.

    It is unclear if Huma Abedin attended the event.

    Wow – Hillary is a little porker

    1. I see they drove Hillary there in one of her life support vans.

      I hope they didn’t shut the door on one of the nutrient tentacles again. Those things screech like a banshee.

      1. Podesta: My secretary, we’ve detected cameras and reporters at the hotel. The media is alerted to our presence.

        Hillary: Driver Ozzel came off the expressway too close to the hotel.

        Podesta: He felt surprise was…

        Hillary: He is as clumsy as he is stupid. *chokes driver through partition*

        1. “The 501st Legion: Vader’s Fist” is the Star Wars prequel they really need to make.

          1. Not a porno?

      2. No need to wear the spanx any longer. Or makeup/botox, apparently.

    2. That white pant suit really brings out the brown strip in her seat.

    3. She looks like a less fit version of my grandma shortly before she died.

    4. It’s not at all unusual when someone has to take that much medication due to being in the early stages of Parkinson’s Disease.

  36. WHY WON’T REASON COVER THIS? Scott Baio claims assault by Chili Peppers’ drummer’s wife

    Scott Baio’s wife is speaking out following a report that the actor claimed he was assaulted by the wife of Red Hot Chili Peppers drummer Chad Smith over his support of President-elect Donald Trump.

    1. Don’t be a little bitch Chachi

    2. Don’t be a little bitch Chachi

    3. Chachi needs to call Carmine.

      By the way, while that’s how it’s spelled, it’s not the correct pronunciation we’re familiar with. If it were, it would be spelled, ‘Ciaci’. The ‘ch’ in Italian is pronounced as a hard ‘k’. For example, Chachi, if read by an Italian native, would be pronounced ‘Kaki’.

      Thus concludes this lesson in useless tidbits.

      1. Why is a Canadian trying to tell me how to speak English?

      2. It’s common for Italian names to be respelled to conform to English spelling in the US.

  37. Follow-up to a comment of mine yesterday, on Bill of Rights Day:

    The US Supreme Court has said that the states have to obey most of the Bill of Rights, but not the grand-jury clause. Basically, the Supremes reserve to themselves the power to pick and choose which parts of the Bill of Rights apply to the states.

    One exception is the Fifth Amendment’s provision that before you can be brought to trial for an “infamous crime,” a grand jury has to accuse you of that crime via indictment or presentment.

    The consequences of this pick-and-choose situation are not limited to grand juries though: until quite recently, the Supremes said that the states could opt out of the Second Amendment. Then in the McDonald v. Chicago case, they applied the Second Amendment to the states, a development which Reason rightly cheered.

    But so long as the Supremes have their pick-and-choose attitude toward the bill of rights and the states, they could decide to overrule the McDonald decision and go back to the time the states could violate the Second Amendment with impunity.

    The best safeguard against that sort of thing would be for the Supremes to simply admit that the states have to respect *all* the rights in the Bill of Rights, not simply those rights which give Supreme Court justices good feelz.

    Reason doesn’t seem to understand this – they seem to see grand juries as a non-binding option for the states, even an obstacle to prosecuting criminal cops.

    Very short-sighted.

    1. I would like to expand on the 2nd Amendment and the states.

      The rulings that exempted the states from it were all preior to the enactment of the 14th amendment. Post 14th, the issue was not brought before the Supreme Court until v. Chicago. The application of the 14th as applying the BoR to the states including the 2nd was consistant.

      I still don’t get the mixed 5th mess though.

      1. “The validity of the public debt of the United States, authorized by law, including debts incurred for payment of pensions and bounties for services in suppressing insurrection or rebellion, shall not be questioned.”

        So, enough with “raising the Debt Limit” already!

      2. This article has a table of which parts of the Bill of Rights the Supreme Court has applied to the states, and which parts it has *not* applied to the states.

        Of particular interests is the part about “partial incorporation.”

    2. The best safeguard against that sort of thing would be for the Supremes to simply admit that the states have to respect *all* the rights in the Bill of Rights, not simply those rights which give Supreme Court justices good feelz.

      Reason doesn’t seem to understand this – they seem to see grand juries as a non-binding option for the states, even an obstacle to prosecuting criminal cops.

      Very short-sighted.

      Reason ran some articles on incorporation and the “privileges or immunities” clause of the 14th Amendment back at the time of the McDonald v. Chicago case. Some of the issues with the way Gura argued the case was that he argued via “privileges or immunities” which would have incorporated the entire Bill of Rights rather than due process which is the current piecemeal approach. Scalia made a little joke during oral arguments that Gura was gunning for a law professorship with his line of argumentation since it overturned 140-150 years or precedent (as mentioned in “Restoring the Privileges or Immunities Clause”).

      1. Justice Thomas was more open to the Privileges and Immunities argument, which is one reason he’s a better Justice than the late Justice Scalia.

        The Supreme Court keeps overruling itself in incorporation cases – first the right against self-incrimination wasn’t protected by the 14th Amendment, then it was, first the freedom of speech wasn’t protected, then it was, first double jeopardy was constitutional, then it was unconstitutional, first a trial by judge alone was constitutional, then it had to be with a jury for all but the most minor of crimes…

        The only precedent is that the precedents keep changing.

        Really, if their approach is to decide to impose on the states some of the bill of rights, but not the parts that make them feel icky, how long before, say, the right to bear arms and the privilege against self-incrimination are too icky to impose on the states?

        1. Reason has given sympathetic coverage to a California statute which bans the use of grand juries in police-shooting cases. The subhead says “Prosecutors will have to make the call themselves and take responsibility.”

          It doesn’t exactly sound like Reason is demanding the states obey *all* the rights mentioned in the Bill of Rights.

  38. How dare National Geographic purposely exclude 50 genders from their cover. How many of their victims will now feel unsafe to go outside because of this outrageous hate crime. Everyone that works at that magazine and their friends and families should be fired, tarred and feathered,and burned at the stake.

    http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/he…..ook-users/

    1. They should have at least included “It’s complicated..”

  39. http://dailycaller.com/2016/12…..l-illness/

    Is it just me or do lefty journalists always turn out to be sad broken people? Are any of these assholes normal?

    1. A mentally unstable person was pushed over the edge, and the Twitterverse can’t help but join the snarky insult orgy.

      1. Well yeah. Isn’t making fun of mentally unstable people the entire point of twitter?

        1. Twitter is like Bedlam used to be. It is both a place for the mentally unstable and a place for those who would have entertainment at the unstable people’s expense.

    2. They aren’t all sad broken people.

      Some live charmed lives of great comfort and ease, with all their actions lubricated by a seemingly endless supply of smug.

      1. You can be a sad broken person and live a charmed life.

    3. Kurt Eichenwald is a deranged lunatic.

      1. Apparently someone actually sent him a stroke-inducing graphic on his Twitter feed. On the one hand, that’s a shitheel thing to do, on the other, someone who acts that psychotic is going to be a ripe target for tricksters.

    4. Eichenwald was one of the journalist propagated the fake news we’ve heard so much about.

  40. Trump’s pick for U.S. ambassador to Israel, New York bankruptcy lawyer David M. Friedman, said he looks forward to strengthening the “unbreakable bond” between the U.S. and Israel “from the U.S. embassy in Israel’s eternal capital, Jerusalem.”

    There are just too many prominent David Friedmans. Any David Friedman’s that aren’t Chicago school ancaps descended from a famous economist, the most tolerable of all the David Friedmans, have to change their name.

    1. Rand Paul, Paul Ryan….while I realize those aren’t exactly similar, I always have to pause when reading either in a sentence and have to dedicate precious cognition to ensure I’m envisioning the correct white guy, which is made more annoying by the fact that one (generally) doesn’t want to control my life and the other clearly does. I think I’m dyslexic.

      1. You’re not alone, as we read, we are actually reading only a small number of the letters in a word, morpheme or sentence. Basically your brain is looking for patterns as you read to save time and effort, causing you to occasionally misread things that conform to similar(ish) patterns.

    2. The Washington Examiner actually had a photo of David D. Friedman (from Reason TV) for its article on “David Friedman” being Trump’s pick for U.S. ambassador.

      The rule needs to be “Anyone named David Friedman has to use their middle initial.”

  41. Winston wrote an article for Cracked. Everyone should congratulate him.

    1. I don’t pay Winston’s mom

    2. Winston’s mom

      Ooh, even I felt a twinge of guilt posting that.

        1. I just noticed this – Freud would be interested. After her husband, Winston Churchill’s dad, died:

          “Introduced to a much younger man, he was instantly smitten, and they spent much time together that summer. Returning from service in the Second Boer War, George Cornwallis-West proposed, and they were married in London on 28 July 1900. A captain in the Scots Guards, he was the same age as her elder son, Winston….

          “…Jennie separated from her second husband in 1912, and they were divorced in April 1914…Her third marriage, on 1 June 1918, was to Montagu Phippen Porch (1877?1964), a member of the British Civil Service in Nigeria, who was three years Winston’s junior.”

          1. “Oh, Winston, we didn’t expect you this early. Would you mind dreadfully coming back later, Montagu and myself are, ah, in the middle of something.”

        2. Seconded. She’s hawt.

  42. Ukrainian contestants for Eurovision: Alex Angel and Natasha the stripper (SFW)

    1. What a Wild and Crazy guy

    2. He is a Wild and Crazy Guy!

      1. The squirrels be acting like this tonight.

        1. It’s better to burn out, than fade away

    3. She has talent. Totally would.

    4. Your idea of SFW and mine are different.

      *Slap*

  43. Anybody else read that as Abortion-SugarFree-Society?

  44. “The GOP is warming to Russian President Vladimir Putin ? even as evidence of his regime’s interference in the election intensifies.”

    GOP voters are presumably dismissive of pussy-grabbing allegations, as well. In fact, people are generally contemptuous towards the media these days.

    http://www.pewresearch.org/fac…..ent-years/

    That survey was taken several years ago–and I suspect the American people are more contemptuous of journalists now than they were back then.

    The general attitude seems to be that if the mainstream media is against someone, then he can’t be all bad.

    1. It’s so crazy how in four years the left and right can just flip sides on an issue. Ok, it’s not that crazy…ends vs means, et al

    2. Couldn’t it also be that they think if Putin helped them beat the Democrats, good for him

  45. i have next week off – so I hope everyone has a happy Christman, Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, Festivus, or whatever insane belief system you have.

    1. I believe in the higher power of a hard days work.

      1. Me too. I just looked at my pay stub and realized I’m going to be forfeiting about 2 weeks of vacation time. I’m taking a few more days but too busy to use most of it.

      2. Fucking Marxists and their Labor Theory of value

        *lights torch, grabs pitchfork*

    2. Merry Christmas, Lord Humungus.

    3. Have a nice vacay, LH. Merry Xmas.

    4. Emperor’s birthday on the 23rd. Bonzai, Lord H!

    5. Merry Fuckmas!

  46. Also, as a public service announcement… Please don’t donate your–or your grandmother’s–old issues of National Geographic to your local library. WE DON’T WANT THE FUCKING THINGS.

    Thank you for your time and attention.

    1. but how are pre-teen boys supposed to learn about the wonders of black boobs?

    2. No one wants those things. My wife is one of those people who thinks anyone would want them. I keep telling her to throw them away but she won’t listen. No we can donate them. I don’t envy your task because some people will never believe that old NGs are unwanted.

    3. Wait, just hang on…you work in a library? With, like, people?

      1. It is known. But he is an archivist so is most likely kept down in the stygian depths of the place, far away from the patrons.

        1. My world view is restored. I can totally envision Sug as a stacks dweller.

          Much love Sugar! /pounds chest

          1. Cave troll smash!

    4. Magazines? Do libraries even take books anymore? We throw away 100’s of books every week.

      1. We rarely want your books either.

        There are a few public nad private libraries that welcome book donations and resell them, but most universities are unable legally to sell them, or discard them because they are gifts, and they just pile up.

        1. “We rarely want your books either.”

          Of course not. You of all people should have plenty of material to fill the shelves…

        2. You do realize you’ve just revealed a weakness to the world. If you have any enemies, don’t be surprised if you start receiving thousands of new book donations from anonymous donors. I hope you enjoy cataloguing Twilight novels and Trump books.

          1. That was twisted…..welcome to the club!

  47. Looks like Dallas is headed towards pension bankruptcy.

    http://www.city-journal.org/html/pens…..14894.html

    1. There’s this broader trend now of colleges making deals with private organizations to develop new infrastructure and expand academic programs, as they come to finally accept that state governments aren’t going to turn back the public funding spigot to 1950s-era levels. I wouldn’t be surprised in municipalities and even states start considering this same thing to save their employee pensions.

  48. Barack Obama is pathetic.

    “In an interview with National Public Radio on Thursday, President Barack Obama warned that the U.S. is considering retaliation for interference in the electoral process.

    “I think there is no doubt that when any foreign government tries to impact the integrity of our elections that we need to take action,” he said. “And we will?at a time and place of our own choosing.”

    http://www.wsj.com/articles/ru…..1481896550

    1. Retaliation how? When? He is only in office until January 20th.

      1. He’s never much cared for the limits of his own power. Maybe he thinks he’ll still be able to do something post-January 20.

        1. Maybe he plans to start a world war and declare himself emergency dictator. You know as well as I do most of his supporters would be totally okay with that.

          1. I doubt that’s a possibility, but you’re certainly right that his supporters would be completely fine with it.

      2. Red line

      3. Retaliation how?

        Barack, Moochelle, Hildog, and Willie will be sending phishing emails to everyone in Russia for the next 4 years.

    2. Where is his evidence?

      What exactly is he threatening to do?

      How can this NOT be pathetic?

      1. When have his vagaries ever meant anything?

        Obama’s butthurt that Putin immediately realized he’s a pussy and treated him that way for 8 years.

        1. Threatening to retaliate against a foreign state because the people found out the truth and voted against your preferred candidate makes Obama seem a lot like Putin.

          Meanwhile, yeah, Obama stands there fondling himself while Putin annexes Crimea, but hacking allegations trigger threats? Obama must really live in a bubble.

          1. The real threat posed by Russia isn’t it annexing its neighbors. No, the real threat is exposing corruption at the DNC. And that won’t be tolerated.

    3. Gosh. He really just needs get it over and just put on the sandwich board with the words “I HAVE A RAGING CASE OF NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY DISORDER” and get it over with.

    4. Hopefully Obama can start a crisis or maybe even a war for Trump to inherit. Wouldn’t that be great? /Democrats

    5. It was Hillary’s turn to interfere with the election!

    6. I’m yet to see anything substantiating the Russians impacted the integrity of the election. They might have tried to influence the heck out of the campaign, but the election themselves they did squat to. What impacted the integrity of the election is that the city of Detroit apparently has no idea how half its machinery works and can’t maintain accountability of documents needed to ensure the integrity of their vote.

  49. Expensive coffee

    http://www.nytimes.com/2016/12…..ile=0&_r=0

    1. A friend’s friend was high bidder this AM at 67K.

  50. “Signs designed “for the purpose of achieving an abortion-free society” are now required in Oklahoma hospital, nursing home, restaurant, and public school bathrooms.”

    Ha. California forces pregnancy crisis centers to tell customers about abortions, now Oklahoma forces all of the public accommodations to tell customers about having babies. It’s coercive tit-for-tat season!

    And: Public Accommodation Laws FTW!

  51. If you haven’t checked it out yet, the new The Fifth Column podcast is out and it’s the best one yet. #KmeleRants

    1. Although Moynihan is really the “Kennedy” of the podcast. At some point she just had to go back to her roots and talk right over him to get a word in edgewise.

      1. Yeah, but Moynihan is a better interrupter than Kennedy.

        I found Kennedy’s voice to be quite different from the way she sounded on The Independents. Odd.

  52. http://twitter.com/OrinKerr/st…..1461890048

    Further proof the entire Democratic party is functionally retarded.

    The DNC ignored FBI calls re Russian intrusions b/c they didn’t know caller was really the FBI.

    FBI “We have reason to believe you have been hacked”

    DNC, “Look Bob. I know it is boring down in the mailroom but I totally know it is you. Go crank call the Republicans”.

    1. I cannot emphasize how retarded these people are. This is something I accomplished in about 45 minutes work.

      Many moons ago, my ex wife got taken by a Jamaican lottery scam. Then the scammers called her back and pretended to be FBI agents investigating the original scammers and asked for her assistance in trapping them. Naturally they needed her to send some money to the scammers to catch them in the act, and she didn’t have any. So she came to me. I told her I would do no such thing without talking to them first.

      And so I found myself getting texts from a guy claiming to be a “FBI Detective Smith”. I took this contact information and called the Boston office of the FBI and spoke to the duty agent.

      He confirmed:
      1) FBI has no detectives.
      2) When they reach out to someone, they give them the phone number of the office they are working out of and ask them to call back to the office.
      3) They don’t use civilians like my ex to infiltrate gangs, and they don’t make them pay their way.

      So, the guys who called the DNC would have given their names and which office they worked out of, and asked the DNC to call that office. The DNC could then have grabbed the phone book and just looked up the phone number of the office if they didn’t trust the info they were given. It would have been trivial to verify the veracity of the people contacting them.

      My guess is they didn’t call back because they didn’t want to talk to the FBI.

      1. They are the DNC. They could have called the FBI directly and found out it was legit. The DNC picking up the phone and calling the FBI is going to get a quicker answer than you or I calling. It is just mind boggling how stupid these people are. And it is absolutely terrifying these people have been running the White House for 8 years.

      2. My guess is they didn’t call back because they didn’t want to talk to the FBI

        Seems likely since at the time people were denying that the Clinton emails had been hacked

  53. How Obama made Syria’s civil war much, much worse

    The Obama administration, although it backed away from its half-hearted push for larger intervention, still carried on covert support of the rebels. The CIA and Defense Department armed different groups (who sometimes shot at each other). The Free Syrian Army, the so-called “moderate” rebels on whom so many hopes were pinned, kept disintegrating. Even as the U.S. tried to rebrand it as the “New Syrian Force,” its fighters often defected to al Qaeda, or even ISIS. If they didn’t defect, they would sometimes just lose their new weapons to these more established radical Sunni brands. The United States was allied with the allies of al Qaeda in Syria, and carried out its covert missions under the 2001 AUMF that authorized the U.S. to fight al Qaeda. It’s dizzying.

    1. Along the way, the U.S.’s half-hearted intervention possibly created the worst of all worlds. It encouraged people to invest themselves in a doomed fight much longer than was necessary. It caused rebels to place their hopes in a more broad intervention that was never coming. And it lengthened one of the most disastrous civil wars of the modern era, one whose aftershocks and refugee flows have brought terror to Europe and helped empower a resurgent nationalism that is shaking the political and economic foundations of the European Union.

      1. That is called smart diplomacy you big racist.

      2. And it lengthened one of the most disastrous civil wars of the modern era

        It’s like accidentally striking gold. Get the authoritarian slum lords and the Islmaofacists to fight each other in an ever expanding war of attrition.

    2. You know who else encouraged people to invest themselves in a doomed fight much longer than was necessary…

      1. Jill Stein?

      2. Rick Santorum?

      3. I had in mind Woodrow Wilson, but I like y’all’s better.

      4. Agememnon?

          1. Yeah, but it was a long doomed fight for Troy… half a point?

      5. Mickey from Rocky?

  54. “Signs designed “for the purpose of achieving an abortion-free society” are now required in Oklahoma hospital, nursing home, restaurant, and public school bathrooms. “Businesses and other organizations will apparently have to foot the bill, estimated at $2.3 million, because the legislature didn’t appropriate any money for them,” reports KFDX 3 news.”

    No matter what side of the abortion debate you land on, there are two points on which we should all agree:

    1) Unfunded mandates are deplorable.

    2) Unwanted pregnancies should be avoided.

    A world where abortions were no longer necessary because unwanted pregnancies were so rare would be a better world. If only there were ways to prevent unwanted pregnancies before they happen.

    1. 2) Unwanted pregnancies should be avoided.

      Why do you hate victims of bus accidents, Ken?

    2. A world where people took responsibility for the consequences of their actions would also be one where there were no unwanted pregnancies.

      1. This theory ignores the existence of teenagers.

        There will always be “unwanted pregnancies”. However, I refuse to believe there is such a thing as an “unwanted child”.

        Somebody, somewhere will take that baby and love it.

        1. Teenagers can take responsibility for their actions too. Teenagers have been having children since the dawn of man. If they are old enough to fuck, they are old enough to live with the consequences.

          1. Ok. That still doesn’t magically transform unwanted pregnancies into wanted pregnancies. Being forced to live with the consequences of something generally just means that even if you hate the result you have to deal with it. “Thanks to abortion being illegal, I’m just so pleased about this baby being inside me!”

          2. Taking responsibility for your actions doesn’t necessarily mean the end of unwanted pregnancies, it means being a parent even if it’s unexpected.

            I…think…what you are trying to say is, unwanted pregnancies would not happen if people were thoughtful, cautious and responsible-type people in the first place. Correct?

            But, we are talking teenagers, mostly 🙂 so I think it will never be perfect because even smart, good, thoughtful ones are just dumb sometimes. I’m not excusing it, just sayin.

          3. Living with the consequences doesn’t mean you want the consequences.

            And, besides the ones who commit suicide, they already do live with the consequences of their actions.

            I think what you mean must be being responsible about deciding what actions to take rather than taking responsibility for one’s actions.

            However you feel about abortion, having an abortion is one way to take responsibility for your irresponsible sexual activities.

            1. But if you live with them, the fact that you don’t want them really doesn’t matter.

    3. Why does it cost 2.3 million, or apparently $100 each to stick up a sign? All the black toner it uses?

      1. Have you ever worked on a 1099 ?

        Half of every dollar I make goes to government and temporary jobs like this are usually contractors.

        1. I wish everyone worked as a 1099 employee.

          I promise you government spending would be shrunk when even lefty statist had to write big checks to pay for government.

    4. “Reason commenter endorses nation-wide sterilisation campaign” /NBC News

  55. I came to complain about the recent bot-ticket law, but it looks like they already snapped up all the alt-text. Is there a secondary market for that?

  56. “Obama promises to take action over Russian hacking”
    […]
    “Mr. Obama told NPR’s Steve Inskeep […] that we need to take action and we will — at a time and a place of our own choosing,”
    “American intelligence officials say they are convinced that Russian hacking of the U.S. presidential election was approved by Putin.”
    http://www.cbsnews.com/news/ob…..n-hacking/

    So we have an anonymous claim of “hacking”, a canvas upon which you get to write nasty words, followed by flag-wrapping and a vague threat by a soon-to-be-unemployed serial liar.
    And I’m sure CBS is all on board about ‘fake news’.

    1. 34 more days and this has-been/never-was lame duck nonce loses all relevance and looks desperate for attention when he appears on TV.

      1. Assumes he has not already lost relevence and isn’t already looking desperate for attention.

  57. RE: fakenews (C) (TM) !!!!!!

    64% think others are too stupid to understand real vs. fake. But 84% are confident that they aren’t one of the stupid people.

    Coincidentally, I bet that if you did a similar poll, about 84% would say that they don’t want the government to tell them what to do, how to live their lives, how to spend their money, who they can have sex with, and what substances they can ingest. But, about 64% would also say that they think the government should dictate those things to other people; particularly those who have different views about what is acceptable.

    1. All of which is thoroughly frustrating the shit out of libertarians.

  58. I’ve made $64,000 so far this year working online and I’m a full time student. Im using an online business opportunity I heard about and I’ve made such great money. It’s really user friendly and I’m just so happy that I found out about it. Heres what I do,

    ??????? http://www.Nypost55.com

  59. Was unaware of this until looking up X-Mas songs.

    Greg Lake is another rocker dead in 2016.

  60. According to the labels on its cover, that spectrum includes male, transgender male, transgender female, intersex, nonbinary, bi-gender, and androgynous, but not (cisgender) female.

    Why don’t they just assign gender numbers? Create a scale, with the number on each end being Male and Female. Then you just get a number of infinite decimal precision that goes between.

    1. If you do that, the next day some people will identify as sqrt(-1), because they find a continuous linear spectrum to be “confining”.

  61. Businesses and other organizations will apparently have to foot the bill, estimated at $2.3 million, because the legislature didn’t appropriate any money for them

    This is just one more in a very long list of mandatory signs. It has no unique 1A or cost implications. Unless you want to object to all these signs, regardless of content, objecting to this sign on any basis other than its content is just special pleading.

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