Amazon Delivers Trio of Trite Christmas Stories

Prime for mockery.


'If You Give a Mouse a Christmas Cookie'
'If You Give a Mouse a Christmas Cookie'

If You Give a Mouse a Christmas Cookie. Available Friday, November 25, on Amazon Prime.

The Snowy Day. Available Friday, November 25, on Amazon Prime.

An American Girl Story – Maryellen 1955: Extraordinary Christmas. Available Friday, November 25, on Amazon Prime.

I used to eagerly await the annual crop of Christmas movies and TV shows. And I still light up with a soft glow like a bulb on the tree when I watch the seasonal classics of my childhood. Who can resist watching dull little Bedford Falls transformed into the glorious, neon-lit hookers-and-pawnshops urban landscape of Pottersville in It's A Wonderful Life? Or sniffling away a sad tear or two at the martyrdom of the visionary Mr. Potter in the film's lost ending? Whether it was yuletide zombies, ill-mannered Norwegians, or a jolly Santa Claus blasting Satan in the butt with a cannon, I was endlessly enchanted.

But those days have passed. Today's children being the overprotected little snowflake dorks they are, Christmas shows for them are nightmarish descents into robotic multicultural tedium that make me long for the bony embrace of the best Ghost of Christmas Future ever in Mr. Magoo's Christmas Carol.

Amazon Prime has appointed itself the Official Network of Christmas Lobotomization this year, releasing three heinous little shows that parents can prop their kids (or, possibly, tie them down) in front of as they join the Black Friday throngs overrunning shopping malls.

If You Give a Mouse a Christmas Cookie is an animated version of Merry Christmas, Mouse, part of a line of children's books that started in the mid-1980s with If You Give a Mouse a Cookie and then devolved into a series of increasingly horrifying tales of vermin entitlement that led through cookies, muffins, pancakes, and movie tickets, ending, probably, in the not-too-distant future with If You Give a Mouse Full Second Amendment Rights.

The plot, such as it is, consists of an anthropomorphic rodent gnawing on a Christmas cookie, then rampaging around first a house and then a school in the grips of an acute Noelian psychosis, breaking stuff and spouting aphorisms ("If your friend gets stuck in a barn on Christmas Eve, then you gotta get him out no matter what") that the Developmental Psychology Police apparently believe are indispensible to living a useful life. There are lots of original songs, the most melodious and spiritually sensitive recorded since the final, dying starburst of rock'n'roll in 1970. Eventually the mouse is joined by a similarly inclined pig, dog, moose and just about every other other anthropoid ever animated short of South Park's Mr. Hankey, the singing, dancing Christmas Poo.

Even the most simple-minded kid (and of course I'm referring to your neighbor's kid, not yours) is likely to find this lethally boring after about the first five minutes. If You Give a Mouse a Christmas Cookie does threaten to lapse into mild interestingness for a moment about midway through when the mouse asks the boss at a Christmas-tree lot for a free tree. "I'm a tree salesman, not a tree-giver-awayer," he snaps, but then, naturally, is so mortified at the cruel vision of a mouse without its own Christmas tree that he erupts into a fit of altruism that would cause Ayn Rand to set her own hair on fire. My only comfort was the possibility that the Health Nazis, horrified at the specter of children sharing their cookies with epidemical vectors, will launch their own series of playful specials: When a Mouse Gives You Bubonic Plague, When a Mouse Gives You Hantavirus… .

The Snowy Day, Amazon Prime's other animated Christmas special, is based on the groundbreaking 1962 children's picture book about a little boy experiencing small adventures as he wanders around a snowed-under Brooklyn on Christmas Eve. Though the text didn't mention it, the illustrations made it clear that Peter was black, the first African-American protagonist in a full-color picture book.

Back then the book was widely admired and won a Caldecott Medal, the Nobel of children's literature. Today, authored by middle-aged white writer-illustrator Ezra Jack Keats, it would probably come under scathing attack for cultural appropriation. The producers of the cartoon have done something almost as bad: They've turned it into a monument to political correctness.

Peter's journey to his grandmother's house to retrieve the main course of the family's traditional macaroni-and-cheese Christmas Eve dinner turns into an odyssey through Benetton Hell. The little Jewish girl. The elderly Chinese grocer. The snowball-war crew of Hispanics. And a cryptically unexplained Arab named Ahmed. After the predictable disaster that obliterates the mac-and-cheese, everybody shows up at Peter's house carrying their festive native dishes, from latkes to tamales to long-life noodles. Everybody, that is, except for the mysterious Ahmed. Not that that mars the message of The Snowy Day, which is that most world cultures are way ahead of us in realizing that mac-and-cheese is inedible swill.

An American Girl Story – Maryellen 1955 isn't animated, and I mean that in more ways than one. It's the dozenth or so in a series of TV movies, straight-to-video DVDs and theatrical releases based on a line of dolls from various periods in American history. Movies and TV shows derived from merchandise used to be considered original sin by progressive child-rearing forces, but American Girl gets a pass for its feminist trappings, which usually consist of repeating some variant of "a girl can do anything she wants, even be president or at least the mad destroyer of Libya!" about 10 times an hour.

Set in—you guessed it—1955, Maryellen 1955 stars soap opera kiddie actress Alyvia Alyn Lind as a little girl who wants to wear pants in public (pioneering feminist quotient: Off the charts!) and repaint doors red. (Pioneering feminist quotient: Uncertain. I mean, is Take Your Daughter To Repaint The Door Day a thing?)

In between energetically lobbying her tragically unenlightened mom (Mary McCormack, House of Lies) on these issues, Maryellen has an epiphany: She should do something nice for her polio-stricken cousin, who's in the hospital awaiting surgery. As epiphanies go, this one seems a tad mild, since Maryellen had polio herself and knows exactly what it's like, but come on, get with the program.

Or better yet, don't. Maryellen 1955's ridiculous focus on imaginary paint-box fascism masks the real problems of the 1950s, sometimes in a way that seems deliberate. The show takes place in a pleasantly integrated Daytona Beach, at a time when Florida was really, culturally and legally, part of the Deep South. As late as 1965, Muhammad Ali needed a special pass to go Miami Beach for his training sessions for the world heavyweight boxing championship.

No mention of that in Maryellen 1955, or of practically anything else that made the decade interesting: Quemoy and Matsu, Elvis Presley, Josephs Stalin and McCarthy, giant marauding insects, or Eddie Haskell. To be fair, Maryellen's family does have one of those pink aluminum Christmas trees, which my parents assured me were only owned by trashy swamp people. Maybe we'll see them in the sequel.

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  1. (“If your friend gets stuck in a barn on Christmas Eve, then you gotta get him out no matter what”)

    “Yeah, Joseph, I know she could pop any moment now, but god damit, it’s poker night! Let’s come up with a scheme to get you out. Ooh, what if I get three buddies to dress up and distract her with tat?”

    1. Threadjack: FloHo is dead?
      My favorite line , a la Brady Bunch: “You know I don’t like the word Stinker!”

      1. I mentioned it this morning. Where’s my hat-tip? 🙂

        1. Sorry, no hat tip for you!

        2. It’s with the phantom links post.

          1. “It’s with the phantom links post.”

            I didn’t know reason did links on holidays.

            1. My best friend’s sister makes $92 an hour on the internet . She has been out of a job for 6 months but last month her check was $14750 just working on the internet for a few hours. Go this website and click tech tab to start your work.. Now this web…

        3. Calm Down Just Relaks – If This Sound Good For You – Popcorn First !!!
          Interested? Check – visit don’t forget to like & share
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  2. I still prefer Silent Night, Deadly Night.

    Not the remake – that was crap.

      1. The original is excellent. The remake…

        Look, I just don’t like remakes of horror films very much.

        1. I’m not a huge genre fan anyway, but the remakes are usually garbage. Plus in the case of Black Christmas the original has Dave Bowman, Lois Lane, and Mary the mother of Jesus. For a slasher flick, it’s actually a pretty dynamite cast.

          1. I liked the fact that there wasn’t some tragic, complicated back story to explain anything. It was just a gibbering maniac with no motivation of any kind. An interesting change of pace that allowed the film to solely focus on the tension.

            Also predates Halloween, and so I always correct people who go around spouting that Halloween was the first modern slasher.

            1. I believe it’s Federal law that any movie made in 1974 with the word “black” in the title must use this as it’s opening theme.

              1. Negative: Black Christmas was a Canadian production, so no racial tension since they’re so much more enlightened than us.

                Oddly enough, the director then went on to film Porky’s and A Christmas Story. So two Christmas films; one about a mass murderer, and the other a charming coming-of-age tale. Still waters run deep, man.

                1. charming coming-of-age tale

                  That’s Porky’s, right?

                  1. None of that G rated shit, HM. It’s Piggies!

        2. The Bela Lugosi DRACULA was a remake. The reason we think of remakes as all bad is that the good ones tend to eclipse the previous versions in the collective memory.

      2. Damn, I thought it was like Cleopatra Jones or something.

  3. If Maddox were to write film reviews, this is what I imagine they’d look like.

    1. Maybe Maddox is Glenn Garvin. Hm….

    2. Calm Down Just Relaks – If This Sound Good For You – Popcorn First !!!
      Interested? Check – visit don’t forget to like & share
      Latest Update More HD Quality Movie Complete Available Here:
      ? ? ? ? ? ?
      Happy & Enjoy to Watch For Free

  4. Reason editors:

    More like this, pls.

  5. Who can resist watching dull little Bedford Falls transformed into the glorious, neon-lit hookers-and-pawnshops urban landscape of Pottersville in It’s A Wonderful Life?

    People with penises. In other words, men. Have you ever met one, Garvin?

    1. No shit. I can’t stand Christmas movies. Not the cartoons from my youth, not the classics, not the modern hallmark channel abominations, nothing. I enjoyed A Nightmare Before Christmas, but I’ve already seen it, so i don’t see any reason to watch it again.

  6. Best Christmas movie? Obviously Die Hard.

    1. Black Mirror’s White Christmas, starring Jon Hamm

      *drops mic*

    2. “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians”.

    3. More seriously, “The Apartment”.

      1. The pathos in that movie, and the comedy…

    4. Red Ryder, whatever the damned movie was called, the one where you could put your eye out.

  7. Also, kudos on the best written article on Reason in ages.

  8. Two of the best family “undiscovered” family Christmas specials -both over 30 years old.:

    Raymond Briggs “The Snowman” and “Claymation Christmas”

  9. Is it a bad sign that the articles I enjoy the most on a libertarian website are the ones where the funny man complains about tv shows?

    1. I still want to know what happen to Suderman. Is he that distraught about the election?

      1. He’s been on vacation. McArdle just got back from a two week trip.

    2. What are all you people doing reading the articles?

      1. This one was funny in an acerbic way, had libertarian themes, was competently written and didn’t overstay its welcome. It’s a fucking Commercemass Miracle!

        1. *shrugs*

          I’m glad you enjoyed it. The annual “Bitch About Christmas Things” phenomenon is one I’ll never understand.

          1. The annual “Bitch About Christmas Things” phenomenon is one I’ll never understand.

            It’s a white people thing, you wouldn’t understand.

            (Or maybe it’s a black people thing. You still wouldn’t understand)

            1. No matter.

              I don’t have to understand to enjoy my annual sampling of General Tso’s finest chicken on the 24th.

              1. I have a hard time finding any place that can make General Tso’s the way I like it. There was a take out place near the corner of West Waters and Dale Mabry in Tampa that was my favorite.

                Tupelo, MS has a place called “Mist” that had a pretty good version, but it was quite a bit spicier. I spent 20 minutes drinking iced tea after I but,into a proper.

                1. A pepper.

                  It was a proper pepper. I was unprepared for the proper pepper.

            2. He understands half of it?

      2. What do you mean, “you people”?

    3. It’s a mixed bag. Some are simply poorly written and have weak impact. Some focus on trivialities that dilute the overall message of the site. Some are just funny, light-hearted attempts to stop focusing on so much crap in the world.

      There are the occasional impactful articles that are well-written, coherent, and articulate. They focus on important things and enlighten us about what is really going on out there. They also tend to be exceedingly depressing, given that they most frequently expose horrific abuses of liberty. Also, they tend to be preaching to the choir, since the kind of authoritarian sycophant who should be reading about them until they’re disabused of their proclivities decidedly isn’t going to read them.

      1. ENB’s output is typically fantastic, concise, informative, and superbly sourced, and sadly wasted on horseshit which *should* be trivial but sadly requires good people waste their talents debunking it.

  10. You’ll shoot your eye out!

    1. I unironically like A Christmas Story, along with the other 2 classics in the ’80s Christmas triumvirate: Christmas Vacation and Scrooged.

      1. Anyone who doesn’t like all three of those films should get tetanus and die.

        Also, with my extended family being Chinese, I have actually had duck on Christmas day, several times. No singing, though. The restaurant is always full of other Chinese people.

        1. ” No singing, though.”

          Fah rah rah rah, rah rah rah rah.

        2. Did you wear earplugs?

          After 4 years, I’ve come to the conclusion that people from China have no volume control.

  11. Best Holiday Special is still A Charlie Brown Christmas. First Amendment issues aside with a public school putting on a Nativity play it’s the only Christmas special I know of that actually addresses the familiar issue of cynicism putting a damper on the holidays.

    I respect a show that doesn’t talk down to children.

  12. Honorable mention goes to Mr. Hankey’s Christmas Classics

    Specifically ‘Merry Fuckin’ Christmas’, ‘Christmas Time in Hell’, and ‘The Most Offensive Song Ever’.

    1. Philistine. I for one enjoy true modern Christmas classics, like the seasonal Futurama and American Dad! episodes.

    2. Don’t forget the South Park episode Red Sleigh Down.

      “They shocked Santa’s balls”.

  13. Why the hell is the latest DOOM 60 GB? Are all the metal songs in flac format or something?

    1. I don’t know what the cause is, but there’s been a huge creep in video game size with no attending increase in quality. CS: Source was like 4 GB. It’s almost indistinguishable graphically from CS: GO, which is like 12 GB. CS: GO looks every bit as good as Black Ops III, which is like 50 GB.

      1. Seems like I do most of my gaming on 3DS nowadays. The games are smaller-scale, but still quite big in amount of actual gameplay.

      2. You may underestimate the scope of backend functions and minor texture improvements. Skyrim is what, 10GB with the DLCs? Mod it so the gameplay mechanics are better and complex, Then. mod for tittez with bounce, increased physics, better lighting, better AI, a few extra dungeons, then a complete texture overhaul, and BAM- 30+ GB. That shit stacks up.

    2. 2K textures don’t come cheap. And…just checked, looks like it also has 4K textures. That shit takes oodles of space.

      I think there was an article, but I can’t find it now, that stated that the something along the lines of 2001 Deus Ex cannot be remastered for today’s market. Levels are so huge and sprawling, with lots of open spaces (fucking Liberty Island) that it’s really, really hard to get them up to 2K graphics standard without overloading the VRAM. And card improvements aren’t going to help – if you get more VRAM you are also expecting higher resolutions and higher poly counts, so you are back to square one.

      1. Levels are so huge and sprawling, with lots of open spaces

        So what you’re saying is that we could definitely remaster Deus Ex 2.

        A lot of the problems with remastering is dev time as well. The workload of remastering Deus Ex completely in a new engine is equal to that of two or three modern games. Least you already have everything in place, but then you have to figure out how to port everything over.

        1. Yup, because DX2 was a console game. Which, sadly, is what most games today are. Because MS and Sony decided to make retarded PC instead of home console. Luckily, PC gaming at least is healthy enough so they can subsidise dev cycle for us, and we can get a non-retarded version (as far as graphics and most of controls, at least. Writing retardation is assumed). Sometimes, of course, we need mods for un-retardation (hello, SkyUI).

          1. Since this is as good a place as any, I just want everyone to know that Civ 6 is a steaming pile of shit and Sid Meier is dead.

            1. Jake Solomon (lead developer on the XCOM series at Firaxis) was saying awhile back how nervous and intimidated he is around the Civ developers and I’m sitting there thinking “No Jake, you don’t get it, you make better games than them.”

            2. Huh, maybe once two expansions are out it will be a functional game? That’s been the pattern since… III? IV?

              Or just play Crusader Kings for your strategy fix? It’s one of the handful of games (Wolfenstein series and South Park: Stick of Truth are ones I know about, excluding Marvel and DC games) that let you play as a Jewish character, after all..

              1. I find EU4 to be a better ‘state’ management game, while CK2 is clearly much more about the actual individuals and families.

                that let you play as a Jewish character, after all.

                Jewish characters (except the Khazars because nomads are OP) are hard mode though, thanks (((Paradox)))

                1. I’d like to see if I can find a Jewish count or something and see if I can get the family to prominence and restoration of Kingdom of Israel, but I’d need like 3 full Ironman playthroughs before I’m ready…

                  1. There’s one in Ethiopia around Semien, might be a duke. But that’s super-hard mode, black Jew surrounded by Christians, right next to the Muslims with a shitty cultural retinue.

                    1. Huh. Interesting, I’d vassalize instantly to nearest power and try working my way within. You know, like (((they))) always do! (note: the preceeding was making fun of alt-right, though I have also done worse playing CK2 than undermining my liege).

                      It does remind me of the awesome, hilarious AAR in which a series of inept rulers attempts to hold onto the Abyssinia, or at least province of Sennar.

                    2. That’s what I did, then the Caliphate decided to pick on me instead of the Byzantines. Khazars are a much easier Israel run.

                      Hilariously, outside of the Khazars, swearing fealty and trying to take over the kingdom from the inside is basically the only way to succeed as Jews. Oh, and getting as much money as you can to buy mercenaries.

                    3. swearing fealty and trying to take over the kingdom from the inside is basically the only way to succeed as Jews. Oh, and getting as much money as you can to buy mercenaries.


                      Paradox just gives zero fucks about PC in their games, do they? I wonder if it’s their outlet for living in Sweden…

                    4. Paradox just gives zero fucks about PC in their games, do they?

                      They do explicitly refuse to have anything Holocaust-related in Hearts of Iron, but that’s probably just to sell it in Germany.

                      Also there was this free DLC for EU4, which isn’t bad, the only problem I have is that I’ve never seen a “Women in History” event that has negative consequences (they might exist and I just haven’t seen it).

                      Different development team than CK2 though, the guys who thought “sure, you can kidnap women and make them your concubines.”

                    5. Been meaning to try out CK but I like to drink and play and it doesn’t seem amenable to drinking.

                    6. It’s a game with a steep learning curve (i.e. it takes about thirty hours of gameplay before you understand most of the major game systems) but is so goddamn rewarding.

                      If you do, start on Noob Island (Ireland) in 1066.

              2. Or just play Crusader Kings for your strategy fix?

                Oh, I do. But Paradox is it’s own animal. I really like the turn-based 4X genre. During my first play-through of Civ 6, all I could think about was how Endless Legend did everything Civ 6 struts around like a peacock about, 2 years prior! And EL doesn’t look like a goddamn Facebook game. The EL map is not only breathtakingly beautiful, but the elevations work better than Civ 6 in actually providing strategical dilemmas.

                1. EL is on my list of things to play, on account of it being French. And when French game designers (though my primary experience is with board games) do something, it’s beautiful and interesting. Even their failures are at least novel.

                  I just can’t find a 4X game I really enjoy since… Alpha Centauri? And even that had unwieldy tech tree. Thank heaven for GOG, so I can fire AC or MoO2 when I feel the itch…

                  1. Alpha Centauri still has yet to be surpassed. EL has the same narrative driven gameplay that AC has. Also, each faction is designed to force you to play them in a unique and interesting way. Also the soundtrack is the best I’ve heard. Endless Space 2 looks to be shaping up nicely as well.

              3. The Jew is the best class in The Stick Of Truth.

                1. When I saw it, I couldn’t not play it, if for nothing else than to needle Cartman.

              4. Just started Stick of Truth and of course I went for the Jew. Who doesn’t? It does seem like it will offer the most comedy.

            3. I loved Civ III. I spent thousands of hrs playing. Haven’t liked any of them since.

          2. The first two Dark Souls games are such a great example of how quickly PC gaming has turned around recently. The original Dark Souls port came with fucking Windows Live and massive framerate issues that you had to mod out.

            Dark Souls 2, meanwhile, may have had lighting toned down for consoles, but holy shit is it well optimized and you can run it on a potato.

          3. See, I limit myself to Go. Platform-independent, and low memory.

      2. See, I have a problem with this. Not to say you or the article is wrong, maybe there’s more of a difference than I realize, but JC3 is an amazingly sprawling, beautifully rendered game that my 970 has no issue running at ultra. You jet around a humongous island with no loading screens and nothing but landmass to the horizon.

        1. Good point. I wonder if open-world games ‘cheat’ by doing some procedural generation of content, and AI can be far more loose than in multiple-path stealth RPG like DX.

          1. I think you’re probably right about that. Plus games like FO4 can be terribly taxing despite being visually so-so simply because there’s so much interactible clutter to make it believable. JC3 has beautiful vistas but there’s not a lot going on AI-wise.

    3. Seriously, brah. I started downloading one of the recent Wolfenstein games. Clocks in at forty gigs. It’s almost three years old.

      Looking forward to Doom when it ever goes on sale.

      1. It’s on sale now on Steam! I’m seriously tempted, but need to finish Wolfenstein: New Order first. Way cooler than I expected, but fuck the London Monitor boss battle on hard.

        1. That’s what I’m downloading, mostly on the Zero Punctuation recommendation. He didn’t think much of the sequel.

          1. You may need to push past first two levels and a stupid “choose idiotically, idiot!” moment in them. But once the game gets going, oh man…

            Also, it demonstrates quite well why you need Nazis. The first atrocity they commit, I started rolling my eyes, but then I was like “Wait, I’m in [location] in [country], of course it’s exactly the kind of thing they do without thinking!”

            (trying not to spoil the plot)

    4. Consoles man. Consoles fuck everything up. You already had to deal with insane loading times because they kept everything on disk to save HDD space, now that they got real drives and digital distribution they decided compression? What is that for?

      Remember, these are the companies that demanded that all DD games be playable while downloading – and since achieving that takes at least half the damn download anyway they finger-fucked the metrics by allowing you to *start* the game, get to the main menu . . . and then stay there while continuing to load. *Technically* its ‘playing’ so *technically* they get to count it.

  14. Marley was dead, to begin with. Just as well, reflected Scrooge. First the British Empire abolishes slavery in Jamaica, then that dreadlock-wearing ingrate repays us with that ridiculous so-called music. Scrooge began humming his favorite Spice Girls tune.

    The carriage pulled into Scrooge’s driveway. Scrooge grudgingly pushed a halfpenny into the driver’s outstretched hand and walked towards his door. It had been a hard day, what with saying no to all the scroungers and moochers. Contribute to this, let some bell-ringing idiot stand outside his store soliciting money from his customers…was there no end to the ridiculousness? And Bob Cratchit asking for time off to observe that ridiculous superstitious holiday…he’d only granted the request because Christmas shopping was so good for the bottom line. Too bad the whole season had gotten mixed up with that bleever foolishness.

    Climbing the steps toward his front door, Scrooge contemplated the clever comments he would soon be “posting” to the London Times’ letters page. This sort of trolling was one of the few diversions he permitted himself.

    Suddenly, a face seemed to appear on the door. Scrooge rubbed his eyes, and it was gone.

    Hmmm…maybe he’d go straight to his *other* diversion, the gallon of Madeira he kept in his kitchen for special occasions.

    1. Scrooge sat on the edge of his bed, gulping Madeira, the jug nearby to refill his glass from time to time.

      Suddenly, the sound of melodious singing drifted up the stairs, as if from someone in the lobby. An intruder! Scrooge went outside his room and fired several shots from his pistol down the stairwell. That should either kill the guy or scare him off. If he found a body at the foot of the stairs the next day, he’d just bury it out back.

      Satisfied he’d averted the threat, Scrooge returned to his bedroom, only to see Bob Marley sitting on the bed. Scrooge fired of the rest of his bullets, but they passed through Marley harmlessly, like he was…

      “A ghost!” exclaimed Scrooge.

      “Ya, mon,” said Marley, “I am here to warn you about your wicked ways.”

    2. Scrooge sat on the edge of his bed, gulping Madeira, the jug nearby to refill his glass from time to time.

      Suddenly, the sound of melodious singing drifted up the stairs, as if from someone in the lobby. An intruder! Scrooge went outside his room and fired several shots from his pistol down the stairwell. That should either kill the guy or scare him off. If he found a body at the foot of the stairs the next day, he’d just bury it out back.

      Satisfied he’d averted the threat, Scrooge returned to his bedroom, only to see Bob Marley sitting on the bed. Scrooge fired of the rest of his bullets, but they passed through Marley harmlessly, like he was…

      “A ghost!” exclaimed Scrooge.

      “Ya, mon,” said Marley, “I am here to warn you about your wicked ways.”

      1. “See, mon,” Marley explained, “being for freedom doesn’t mean being a dick.”

        “What do you mean?” Scrooge asked. “I always pay my orphans fairly, and I provide value for money.”

        “Nah, mon, the Three Spirits will explain it to you,” said Marley, and vanished.

        Scrooge reached for the Madeira only to find that the jug was empty. Ghost or not, Marley must have consumed it.

        The next thing he knew, Scooge was jolted awake by the sound of someone repeatedly exclaiming in pain. It was probably a vision Marley wanted to show him the souls of people like him shrieking in agony.

        But the noises came from the Three Spirits, one of whom was yelling as the other hit him on the head and poked him in the eyeballs.

        “All I said,” protested the bald spirit, “was that we should be appearing to this guy one by one, instead of all at once. It’s canonical.”

        “I’ll canonize *you* said the more aggressive spirit, bonking the bald spirit on the head again.

        “Gentlemen, please,” implored the long-haired spirit of his two colleagues, “we’re pressed for time, which is why he have to appear all at once. So let’s stop fooling around and scare this guy straight.”

        1. “Who are you imbeciles, and what are you doing in my room?” demanded Scrooge. “If Marley sent you, I expect you’re all bulletproof ghosts like him, so I won’t waste time trying to kill you.”

          “We’re the only ones who can injure each other,” explained the long-haired spirit, “mere mortals can’t hurt us.”

          “Except hurting our feelings by calling us imbeciles,” said the bald one.

          “Shut up, snowflake,” said the aggressive spirit, poking the bald spirit’s eyes.

          “It’s simple,” said the longhair. “we educate you by showing us visions of the past, present and future. First, the past…”

          Scrooge’s room vanished and was replaced by a hall in Philadelphia. Guys in wigs crowded around a table, signing their names to a document.

          “We must defend our free institutions,” said one signer.

          “The King’s new policies are anti-liberty and are dangerous innovations,” said another.

          “A free government presupposes a virtuous people,” said a third.

          “OK, that’s enough,” said the aggressive spirit. “Scrooge is no dummy like you guys, he gets it.” And the vision of the Philadelphia hall disappeared, plunging everyone into darkness.

          1. “Hey, genius,” said the aggressive spirit to the bald one, “make with the present.”

            “I’m trying,” said the bald one, “but it’s hard to see what I’m doing in the dark. Ow, quit poking me, it’s not helping!”

            Finally, the lights went on again, and Scrooge recognized the Liberal Club, one of his favorite hangouts. As usual, the members were debating how to define liberty in the 19th century.

            “It’s not enough to be free of government oppression,” said one figure. “We need to resist the tyranny of public opinion and its judgmentalism about new moral experiments.”

            “The important thing,” said another figure (or was it the same one?), “is to liberate men’s minds from superstition. It’s no wonder people support tyranny by kings and Parliaments, if they’re so used to taking orders from some bearded dude in the sky.”

            A woman spoke up. “Sexual mores today are hypocritical. Lifetime monogamy and all that sort of baggage are too confining. If we’re going to have true freedom, we must have Free Love.”

            Darkness fell again.

            1. Oh fuck me, I read it and I didn’t hate it so far.

              I need a drink. You get the conclusion up.

            2. Now the aggressive spirit said, “OK, let’s get this over with. Let’s see the results of the perverted version of liberalism my colleague just showed you. Fast-forward to the 21st century!”

              Then there was a vision of a woman and her sullen children in a dirty apartment.

              “I’m so glad I didn’t have to listen to all that nagging from my parents,” said the woman. “I forged my own path and obtained liberation.”

              “I’m free to smoke this,” said one of the kids, taking a hit from a bong.

              “I pursued my dream of being a government contractor,” said another kid.

              “And here’s our ticket of liberation,” said the woman, as a man came to the door and gave the woman a bag marked ‘LOOT.'”

              “Wait!” said Scrooge. “This is the lesson, that liberation from superstition, tradition and sexual restraint leads to statism? That’s bullshit!”

              “Yeah, jerkface,” said the aggressive spirit, “you didn’t intend to create a constituency for big government, but it seems that’s what you did.”

              “I won’t be responsible for what a bunch of statists do!” exclaimed Scrooge.

              “Whatever, dude, we’re out of here,” said the spirits, and Scrooge found himself shaking his fist at the Ayn Rand portrait on his wall.

              1. Scrooge didn’t stop to wonder what an Ayn Rand portrait was doing in his 19th century house.

                No, he wanted to make sure the dystopian vision he’d seen didn’t become reality.

                So he got Cratchit and Tiny Tim a big-ass turkey, accommodated Cratchit’s religious peculiarities, and decided to look into this religion thing to see if there was anything in it.

                And he stopped banging Mrs. Cratchit.

                1. Give Nutrasweet credit for the form, but, nice adaptation, Eddie.

  15. Apparently Glenn Garvin has never heard of”The Passions of Carol”.

    1. “I march my way down to Carol in HR and I say Carol! Carol! I have to talk to you about Pepe. I open the door, and you know what I find out ,Mac? There is no Carol in HR! Mac, the place is a goddamn ghost town.”

    1. A Jewish shop owner?

      1. If Glenn can make a good stuffed corned beef and tongue on rye, all is forgiven.

        1. I’m going to guess “no”

    2. Vaguely like my dad?

        1. I love looking at my wife’s pics from when she and her brother were little kids in HK, and they’d sit on the lap of the mall Santa. A skinny, nut-brown skin mall Santa. It’s so depressing.

          1. Depressing! Sad sack Santas are the reason for the season!

      1. ^^you win the internet today.

        1. No sir, you win for knowing the reference.

          1. The internet isn’t yours to give away buddy.

            Thanks to Obama the Wonderful it belongs to We the world.

            We and the Communist Chinese.

  16. I got nothing to add or say so I’ll just sit here quietly and observe.

    1. You Canadians can’t even put your Thanksgiving on the right day, what the hell would you know about Christmas?

      1. In Zoolandia, we celebrate the Seasonal Holiday, thank you very much.

        Soon followed by the Ascension of the Current Year.

      2. I know that Christmas is about the CURRENT YEAR according to our dimwitted foreman.

      3. Hey! Rufus is Proper Catholic, he does it on the 25th. It’s weirdos like Eddie who do it on January 7th.

        1. Eddie is Ukrainian?

          1. Maybe he just respects the will of One True Roman Empire, like all civilized folks?

            1. I thought we were on our third Rome now?

              1. Unpossible: Rome is eternal

    2. We were talking about a Canadian movie up-thread. You should jump in and regale us with your Canadian take on it.

      Also I was pleased to see the Blues push in the Bruin’s stool since Backes demanded way to much money and bailed out to Boston. Appreciate the time, and the team is softer without him, but fuck’em.

      1. What movie? Scanners?

  17. Robot explores inside of USS Arizona

    Auto-play video

    A team of researchers captured footage of unseen areas inside the wreckage of the USS Arizona battleship that was sunk during the attacks on Pearl Harbor

    1. Good one, you’ll make people think you’re serious and not totally oblivious to what day it is.

  18. Venezualans weighing money instead of counting it

    ‘Runaway inflation’ in Venezuela has reached the point where bank notes are being weighed rather than counted.

    The country’s currency, the bolivar has devalued so much that traders have given up counting the huge wads of banknotes handed over by their customers.

    Last month it emerged that new 20,000 bolivar notes will be produced to keep up with the rate of inflation. At the moment the highest bank note in circulation is 100 bolivars.

    1. The wheelbarrows can’t be far behind.

    2. Somebody here recommended reading Lionel Schriver’s The Mandibles. Heartily seconded.

      A savage satire of our Caracas-on-the-East-River-and-Potomac future.

  19. “Amazon Delivers Yuletide Drivel”

    So do lefty losers:
    “There is no evidence of election tampering in the states where Trump scored razor-thin victories, but Green Party spokesman George Martin insisted “the American public needs to have it investigated to make sure our votes count.”
    “We’re doing this to ensure the integrity of our system,” he said.”…..s-43770559

    Sure he is.
    How much money goes where?

    1. Commies/progs/socialists/marxists and integrity are mutually exclusive.

    2. Green Party spokesman George Martin

      He’ll do anything rather than finish the next book!

      1. It’s not like he’s doing any more music production. 🙁

  20. Sirsly, how stupid and uncurious are college students?

    You know you’re a clueless dumbass when a Canadian like me knows more about your own fucking country.


    1. You have the United Empire Loyalists to tell you about the unpatriotic goings-on of the Founders.

    2. They’re not “stupid”. Facts don’t matter unless they’re in the right context. they hear these things all the time, and shove them aside… because when applied to Right-Thinking people? there are ‘mitigating circumstances’ that make them ok.

      When they’re reminded about them, they will initially express skepticism, then go, “well, there are still more important things to be upset about”.

      you expect them to have cognitive dissonance – that they’ll recognize that their evidence that Trump is “obviously racist” is basically the same sort of stuff that you could find Hillary being guilty of…. but it doesn’t happen. everything is compartmentalized.

      1. At least they weren’t incredulous when confronted by the facts.

        I still think it’s *stupid* to not be informed. Those were basic quotes.

        1. Uninformed can be fixed stupid is permanent.

      2. everything is compartmentalized

        Hmm, like a modern nuclear sub – double hull to withstand pressure and water-tight compartments. That is way more advanced then I was expecting, but it certainly does explain a lot.

  21. All right Reasonheads – did I imagine this whole thing?

    The network was NBC. The year was 1992. Summer, IIRC. Arsenio Hall was still a force to be reckoned with, and apparently NBC decided to challenge him head-on. So they did this prime-time one hour show where the host said (and this may not be verbatim but it’s damn close), “Just remember, Arsenio – here in Chicago, we invented the bark!” and the audience applauded and barked in response. This was during the opening monologue. I don’t remember anything else that happened during the show until the big closing musical number, where the chorus was something like “Going Crazy Here In Chicago.” I don’t remember the host’s name; I think his last name started with a “B” and was a long name.

    Is this ringing a bell with anyone else? Google and YouTube are leading me nowhere.

    1. Tits.

    2. I think you should call 911 and ask them

        1. I figured you got in touch with William Shatner.

    3. Jonathan Brandmyer

    4. Almost Live with Jonathan Brandmeier

  22. Not that that mars the message of The Snowy Day, which is that most world cultures are way ahead of us in realizing that mac-and-cheese is inedible swill.

    That says more about your family’s ability to cook than it does about mac-n-cheese, Glenn. Friends don’t let friends eat Kraft.

    1. You must spin from the Hamster Wheel of Death for that comment, Only kaft for Mac and Cheese, Rodent

      1. Drink more, and then tell me what to do again and see if it worked.

        Hey, wanna see something farkin’ cool? I love the shit they come up with these days.

    2. Look, there’s definitely some gourmet mac and cheese available – but Kraft dinner is fething awesome. Its one of the few ‘kid foods’ that I can still stomach, let alone actually like.

      1. Blech. No hate, eat wot you likes, but my grandmother made homemade mac. Box stuff doesn’t taste right. I also grew up eating homemade buttercream, and storebought frosting is like insipid candle wax. I don’t know how people can eat three inches of the stuff at a time.

  23. Kraft ! / Rodents!

  24. I did a little shopping (for me, of course) earlier. I stopped by the gun counter of the “good” sporting goods store, just to see if anybody was buying Xmas guns. It was busy, busy, busy.

    Made my heart glad.

  25. At the ranch supply place, ammo was 10% off. Good stocking stuffers.

    “Nothing says, Merry Christmas, Baby!” like a couple of boxes of .45acp.

  26. Woodland Critter Christmas

  27. I done misplaced my apostrophe, dang it.

  28. Fur seals found trying to have sex with penguins

    Things are heating up in the cold climes of the sub-Antarctic. On a remote, and mostly desolate island, seals have been caught engaging in an extreme form of sexual behaviour.

    Specifically, they have been trying to have sex with penguins.

    More than one fur seal has been caught in the act, on more than one occasion.

    1. “They published details of that incident, and speculated that the sex act at the time may have been the behavior of a frustrated, sexually inexperienced seal. Or an aggressive, predatory act. Or a playful one that turned sexual.”

      Or maybe everyone is just trying to have a good time.

      1. “All in all it’s difficult to say really,” he admits.

        Still, no reason not to run a featured story on international news.

      2. Grab its mother fuckin flipper…

    2. Technically i think that’s just “penguin as sex-toy”

      Or, “sex toy, and snack”

      In three of the four recorded incidents the seal let the penguin go. But on one of the more recent occasions, the seal killed and ate the penguin after trying to mate with it.

    3. “This really made us sit up and take notice,” said de Bruyn, of the new sightings.”

      Perv scientists/ Penguin Porn.

      The latest kink.

    4. RAPE CULTURE!!!111!!!

  29. Apostrophe, quotation mark, whatever. I give up.

  30. More than one fur seal has been caught in the act, on more than one occasion.

    By whom? Missus Fur Seal? The fur seal Morals Squad?

  31. This article mentions both Ayn Rand and “If you give a mouse a cookie” and no one linked to this gem:…..e-nothing/

    The other “Ayn Rand Rewrites” are all about as hilarious.

    1. The “cookie” is sex, right?

      1. Ayn Rand is less ‘give’ and more ‘violently take me as I submit to the will of a Prime Mover’ when it comes to sex.

    2. This is why you have cats.

  32. Anyone else gaming over the holiday? I checked out all the Black Friday sales and couldn’t find anything to buy except for Homefront the Revolution. So far, I’m less than 2 hours in, I’m not sure why people don’t like the game. I think it’s definitely worth the $14 sale price. The graphics are stunning and it has maybe the most graphically violent opening scene I’ve ever seen in a game. What’s not to like? The optimization is a little on the lame side though and SLI doesn’t seem to really work. I get about 80-90 FPS on The Division with the graphics maxed out and it’s about the closest thing I can compare to this graphics wise. But on this game I’m barely getting 40 FPS with graphics at max, lol. But it’s butter smooth so far. Until I get into some combat it’s fine, but then I might have to tone it down a little because I like at least 70-80 FPS for shooting.

    1. Those words look like they are organized into English sentences, but I have no idea what you’re saying.

      1. Ok, well, I see you don’t speak computerese. It’s ok, most people don’t.

      2. This may be the most libertarian game you’ll get a chance to play today, except for RimWorld.

    2. As expected, I had to tone down to high setting for combat so I can get 60-70 FPS for accurate shooting. Fun game, fucking epic. Sorry North Koreans, I have to kill you now.

      1. Not into shooters or RPGs like all you l33ts but I did stock up on a bunch of Metroidvanias and the like that I missed – especially since I just went PC full-time after ten years as a Mac.

  33. Bitter clingers

    Hillary Clinton won the popular vote by more than two million, and she would probably be president-elect if the director of the F.B.I. hadn’t laid such a heavy thumb on the scales, just days before the election. But it shouldn’t even have been close; what put Donald Trump in striking distance was overwhelming support from whites without college degrees. So what can Democrats do to win back at least some of those voters?

    Recently Bernie Sanders offered an answer: Democrats should “go beyond identity politics.” What’s needed, he said, are candidates who understand that working-class incomes are down, who will “stand up to Wall Street, to the insurance companies, to the drug companies, to the fossil fuel industry.”

    It couldn’t be Hillary’s fault. That’s preposterous.

    If only those dopes knew what’s good for them, they’d have voted for the woman who promised a higher minimum wage. No jobs in sight, but by golly, if there were jobs, they’d pay plenty.

    1. Consider eastern Kentucky, a very white area which has benefited enormously from Obama-era initiatives. Take, in particular, the case of Clay County, which the Times declared a few years ago to be the hardest place in America to live. It’s still very hard, but at least most of its residents now have health insurance: Independent estimates say that the uninsured rate fell from 27 percent in 2013 to 10 percent in 2016. That’s the effect of the Affordable Care Act, which Mrs. Clinton promised to preserve and extend but Mr. Trump promised to kill.

      Mr. Trump received 87 percent of Clay County’s vote.

      Probably not satire.

      1. Oh, that’s fucking precious. “We forced you to buy worse insurance at higher prices, why don’t you love us?”.

        At least abusive spouses don’t pretend the violence is the good part of the relationship.

      2. benefited enormously from Obama-era initiatives

        Wow. Can I get that derp molded into shotgun pellets now that I can’t use lead for waterfowl?

  34. The American ALT in my nephew’s English class went off on Trump supporters last week in class, calling all of them racists. This is a public school in Tokyo. She spent about 15 minutes ranting and actually singled out my half Japanese half, White nephew for a scolding because he told her in response to HER question that his dad voted for Trump. Well, my brother wrote in to the school and ripped into the the 23 year old American ALT. The principal called him back yesterday and apologized profusely. The ALT has to go into every class and apologize. She’s already written my brother a letter apologizing, but it was one of those, “I’m sorry that you feel…” type apologies. Interesting days.

    1. “She’s already written my brother a letter apologizing, but it was one of those, “I’m sorry that you feel…””

      I’d be tempted to answer that with a note pointing out that [my] feelings are irrelevant to *her* misbehavior and [I]expect an apology for *that*, not the way [I] feel.
      And then forward them both to the principal.

      1. Those passive aggressive apologies are the worst.

        1. Oh. Okay. I’m sure you’re right. I mean, maybe I thought something else was worse, but sure. You know better than me.

          I’m just gonna go over….here, now.

    2. She spent about 15 minutes ranting and actually singled out my half Japanese half, White nephew for a scolding because he told her in response to HER question that his dad voted for Trump. Well, my brother wrote in to the school and ripped into the the 23 year old American ALT. The principal called him back yesterday and apologized profusely.

      The problem here is that the thing they’re apologizing for is probably just the “Singling out your nephew”-part…

      ….and not the “partisan ranting by someone who’s wasn’t even old enough to vote in 2008″

      1. He’s a mellow kid, standing 190cm. The gentle giant type kid. It was his classmates coming up to him after class and asking him if he was ok that finally tipped him over the edge. My immediate and unchanging response to being called a racist is, “Go fuck yourself.” Trying to be a good uncle and teach him that is the only response they deserve.

  35. More Krugabe:

    For let’s be serious here: You can’t explain the votes of places like Clay County as a response to disagreements about trade policy. The only way to make sense of what happened is to see the vote as an expression of, well, identity politics ? some combination of white resentment at what voters see as favoritism toward nonwhites (even though it isn’t) and anger on the part of the less educated at liberal elites whom they imagine look down on them.

    To be honest, I don’t fully understand this resentment.

    No kidding.

    If you demonize people long enough, they will stop pretending to care what you think of them.

    1. I hope they continue to not understand the resentment

    2. To be honest, I don’t fully understand this resentment.

      Which is incredibly strange since that resentment exists in your own mind asshole, not anyone else’s.

      whom they imagine look down on them

      Now what would ever give anyone such a crazy notion?

    3. If there’s no “favoritism toward nonwhites,” then what is affirmative action? Why do Muslim refugees and illegal aliens get more care and attention than veterans?

      1. Muslim refugees and illegal aliens are going to be budgeted more than $182.3 billion in 2017?

        [citation needed] ?

        1. Hyperbolic, but it’s a selectively fair point. There are refugees getting housing, medical care, schooling, business loans, jobs, a monthly check free gratis, the whole kit and kaboodle of everything America has to offer. All of them? No clue – doesn’t sound like it. But even one…. well, it’s frankly insulting and looks very bad, considering how many Americans were left high and dry to do their best, while a stranger lands here and gets the VIP treatment at American expense.

        2. The Fiscal Burden of Illegal Immigration on United States Taxpayers (2013): about $113 billion a year at the federal, state and local level.

          Bureau of Population, Refugees, and Migration (PRM) within the State Department spent $310 million on resettling refugees in the United States in 2013

          But why are you measuring “care and attention” in dollars? I wasn’t. I just meant that the left loves to worry about illegals and refugees, and not so much about veterans.

    4. favoritism toward nonwhites (even though it isn’t)

      I guess he hasn’t served on a college admissions board in the last 30 or 40 years.

  36. The ALT has to go into every class and apologize.

    And then, the jigai?

    *ritual suicide

  37. Double derp alert

    This crazed prog, in the same sentence, said trump is exactly like pinochet (she knows this because her friend was born in Chile), and omg!!!! Trump is being advised by kissinger.

    I tried to point out that trump was elected and we have certain checks and balances, and that kissinger is 120 years old, but she’s on a roll5

    1. Ask her if she thinks Castro is arming Clinton’s supporters the way he did Allende’s.

      1. Dude, she’s blonde

        1. And you are conversing with her?

      2. Met this Chilean dude a few months back at the bar. My proggie friends heads’ almost exploded when he explained how awful Allende was and that he’d take Pinochet any day over that asshole. I had no dog in the fight, so it was popcorn time.

        1. LOL. I once got banned from Boing Boing for expressing the opinion that Pinochet, as bad as he often was, probably did a lot better on human rights than the Communist government would have done, whether it was Allende or a successor.

    2. Hillary has been advised by Kissinger…and defended it during the Democratic debates. She was quoting the guy to show her supposed policy chops and Bernie attacked her on it.

  38. Injustice and iniquity!

    Federal overtime law, which dates back to 1938, never intended that result. The law has always been clear that an employer does not have to pay salaried workers time and a half for overtime if those workers earn enough to qualify as executives, professionals or administrators. The problem is that the $455-a-week threshold at which workers qualify for white-collar status has not been fully updated for inflation since 1975. As a result, the share of the work force eligible for overtime has dropped, from about 60 percent in 1975 to 7 percent today.

    I’m perplexed. I heard wages have been completely stagnant since the ’70s. Is that not true?

    1. When I was working at a Big Bank I was excluded from the regular ?T rate but I was eligible for some pittance that was so low on didn’t bother with time sheets after 8 discovered, after year 1 of this, that any pittance ot pay would be deducted from my bonude anyway

      1. Sorry about the grammar

        1. I’m more curious about what looks like a Vietnamese ? in the regular ?T rate.

          At least, I think it’s Vietnamese; those multiple diacriticals give it away.

        2. I’m not sure what a “bonude” is, but i must admit to being intrigued…

          1. Hey hey! Pointing out typos is too funny dont listen to the haters.

        3. Delete your bonude!

          1. Bo Nude, Esq. Yeah, I’d delete that, pronto.

            1. You don’t Cara?

                1. No offense to the Q-man but I don’t want to watch him Flashdance.

                  1. Ahh, shit… *Tosses leg warmers into the fireplace*

              1. I couldn’t cara less.

                1. You wild and crazy guys

                2. You wild and crazy guys

  39. I’ll miss Gawker.

    You?our racist, xenophobic, knuckle-dragging ignorant leaders?are making us look bad in front of the guests (the whole world). You are the bad cousin in the family who always ruins Thanksgiving. Go in the back room and drink a can of beer alone please.

    1. Gawker is the snotty teenager who thinks nobody else knows anything.

      1. *slams bedroom door*

        1. I know what you’re doing in there.

          1. Insta Tumblring my Pinterestbook?

            1. These euphemisms!

  40. Allen Iverson can’t even afford a cheeseburger!

  41. which is that most world cultures are way ahead of us in realizing that mac-and-cheese is inedible swill.

    You go to hell. You go to hell and you die.

    1. I add marinara sauce to mine.

      1. If there’s a hell below hell, it has a special section just for you.

        1. Duuude! Harsh!!!!!

  42. Well, these trollish links aren’t going to post themselves, better get cracking…

    From the Weekly Standard

    “…Lincoln like Moses stood at the very brink of the promised land he would never enter. (It’s hard not to see Lincoln as the greatest religious figure this country has ever produced.)”

    1. It’s hard not to see Lincoln as the greatest religious figure this country has ever produced.

      Joseph Smith says, “Yo!”

  43. In Fiji…

    “Circumcision shock

    “Serafina Silaitoga

    “Saturday, November 26, 2016

    “TEN primary school boys had to be circumcised twice after the first procedure allegedly caused infection and swelling to their private parts.”

    1. Circumcision Shock would be a great band name

      1. Wasn’t it an album by The Foreskins?

        1. Yeah that had their top 40 hit: Bris Me Gently

          1. I like the punk cover by the Barf Mitzvahs.

            1. Didn’t they do that racist song: Don’t Mix With the Talmud People?

              1. You’re on your own with that one.

  44. “Cleaning out the dusty attic of his childhood home in Churchill a little more than a decade ago, Carleton Young made an intriguing discovery

    “Stuffed in an old wooden box was a trove of letters written during the Civil War. They were penned by two young brothers who fought in the Union Army, offering a vivid glimpse into the war-stricken era….

    “Capturing his imagination, the discovery led to a years-long inquiry, culminating into a book that weaves together the two soldiers’ indelible experiences during the decisive four-year war.”

    1. (please omit the ellipsis between paragraphs 1 and 2)

        1. Yeah, fuck you, Eddie. You remove the damned ellipsis. You have no right to my labor, slaver.

  45. Amazon Delivers

    It occurs to me: not a drone story!

    1. It’s the greatest story ever told…

      1. Kindle price: $9.99.

  46. This thread is dead.

    Some guys just can’t give it up.

    1. I just requested a recount in Wisconsin!

      1. That’s cheesy, Sevo.

    2. That’s OK. It’s the women who just won’t give it up that annoy me.

        1. I really hope someone sent Hillary this video after the election was over.

        2. Huh – I never knew the name of that song.

          I care a lot!

          1. Well then, as long as were being educational, it’s Bullet With Butterfly Wings. It’s a fucking sad commentary to hear a DJ talk about Rat In A Cage.

            Fun facts: Billy Corgan got a few zingers in over the years, probably when he wasn’t paying attention.

            “It’s a Backstreet Boys world, and at the end of the day you just want to kill yourself.”

            “Most great records really start with the drums.”

            “For a six-foot-three guy with no hair and a whiny voice, I’ve done all right.”

            1. I’m going to fire up Mayonnaise in iTunes and bliss out now. Thanks.

    1. That thing will littorally never be used in combat.

      1. What do you hate disabled women?

        1. What do you hate disabled women?

          i totally missed the joke about gabby giffords.
          i think naming military vessels after politicians (*other than presidents) is the fucking worst. the only purpose of naming a ship something other than “LCS 1611” or something is to make it sound badass. Former generals are badass. Names of battles can be badass. Presidents can theoretically be badass. words like “Endeavor” or “Enterprise” are at least evocative of something badass.

          naming your marine vessel ‘gabby’? after some political cooze that got shot? is unbecoming.

          1. Well, you’ll never have to board that ship. But I bet you regularly travel Martin Luther King expressway/avenue/boulevard. Which is cool, don’t get me wrong. I do think dr king, with all his human faults, was a great man, and deserves to have streets named after him.
            Now, you wouldn’t name a war ship after Gandhi…
            Damnit. I was going somewhere with this.
            Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.

            1. She’s still alive, right? That’s the objectionable part.

            2. Well, you can say that MLK achieved something important for the whole nation. Gifford? While its unfortunate that she was shot, who was she before? A minor legislator from a minor state (although AZ is the greatest state in the union, even I have to admit that 7 million people don’t have a lot of pull in a nation of 315 million).

              If she hadn’t been shot the majority of the people living in the 8th district and no one outside it would have known who she was.

      2. ok, i take that back = giving a place for helicopters to take off from, land… is useful. i can imagine we can send a few to Haiti the next time it rains and their society collapses again.

        1. Psssh!

          1. Giving it the capability to host a helicopter means it can do ASW well. Seriously – shipboard ASW is mediocre, you want to find a modern sub you use an aircraft.

          2. Its also works really well to shield the high value units from missile attack. Granted, mainly by being hit by those missiles, but still.

      3. That thing will littorally never be used in combat.

      4. Narrows Gays

    2. No weapons aboard in accordance with the namee’s wishes.

    3. Christ, the Navy is really scraping the bottom of the barrel for names now. It was bad enough with ‘The Sullivans’ – but at least there’s some (if, IMO, tenous) connection with the Navy, service, and martial virtues.

  47. Glenn Garvin


  48. My internet is out. Could someone check the masthead and see if Reason fired that Suderman twit?

    1. Your internet is definitely broken. Check back in 2 weeks.

    2. Make it a year or 10.

    3. “My internet is out.”

      If only.

      1. Haters gonna hate.

        The smart ones gotta admit: “SIV is right”.

  49. Been on a reading binge again:
    “Why the Allies Won”, Overy.
    A supposed corrective to those who assume the Allied victory was inevitable as a result of economic superiority. It not only does not support that opinion, it pretty much proves the opposite. Every time Overy claims the Allies won this, that, or the other as a result of some random cause, he then goes on to cite material superiority in every chosen circumstance. He even claims that Germany’s GDP was superior to the Soviet GDP for some short period after the Germans approached Moscow, and asks (rhetorically, I hope) why Germany didn’t therefore win (ignoring the aid pouring in by that time and the fact that the German GDP was never as advertised).
    There is no need to do so, the Allies lost tactical engagements regardless of material superiority (France [for pete’s sake], Pearl Harbor, Wake, Philippines, Dieppe, Kaserine Pass, [most of] Monte Cassino). At one point Rommel claimed ‘The battle was won by the Quartermasters before the first shot was fired’. Perhaps, but this was caviling about supplies, and he won battles under-supplied.
    But wars aren’t battles, much as the baseball season isn’t decided in the third inning of a June game. Neither Germany nor Japan had bench enough to get to the second round of the playoffs.
    The Allies won because of the economic superiority and a lack of truly horrendous mistakes. Any other outcome would require explanations equal to “How did Gary in???!!!”

      1. Shorter:
        Overy’s full of it.

  50. BBC and NDTV are reporting Fidel Castro has died.

      1. Chron not yet picking it up on the e-version, but the interns running that may be playing Pong.

        1. Bring search says YES! That fucking mass-murderer and tin-pot dictator is DEAD! That’s D-E-A-D, DEAD!
          The world is a better place tonight.

        2. but the interns running that may be playing Pong.

          “That man is playing Galaga; he thought we wouldn’t notice, but we did.”

      2. OK, this is a libertarian site, and if the world were a just place, we’d all have gone to bed at 9pm on the election day, since who got to make a speech (and little else) should be of about that much interest to us.

    1. How does that fuck live to 90 and people who haven’t single-handedly ruined an entire country don’t.

      1. Yeah. Exactly what i was thinking. My wife is dead two years now, she died two weeks before her 45th birthday.
        Her field was end of life care.
        His field was end of life.
        Anybody wants to tell me about justice and a benevolent God can shove it.

        1. For what it’s worth (and I know it ain’t a lot), condolences.

          1. Yeah, pretty sure you’ve given me condolences before. I mention it occasionally for context, and i get condolences. I’ve mentioned it here on certain anniversaries when I’ve been drunk.
            I appreciate that others acknowledge my pain.
            So, thanks, Sevo, i do appreciate it.
            But, and i think Eddy should get involved, what do you think of an evil mass murderer like Castro living a life of luxury and dying peacefully, compared to a poor woman who dies from lead poisoning or drowning while trying to escape Fidel’s utopia?

            1. If God wouldn’t tell Job the answer, I’m not sure if He’d tell me.

              I’ve had some losses in my family which I’ve frankly not tried to explain, maybe I’ll learn the significance later.

              So I certainly can’t explain your wife’s death except to provide my condolences.

              As for Fidel, well, I can’t say what happened to him, except that if he dies impenitent things wouldn’t look so good for him, and his life of Cuban luxury won’t be much of a consolation.

              And if he *did* repent at the last minute, he will probably have a bit of a stint in Purgatory.

              The Psalmist thought of these things too, if you check out Psalm 94.

              1. It sounds like your wife was a most excellent person, by the way.

                  1. I may as well mention Luke 16:19-31

                  2. (I hope you will excuse my posting these scriptural references, especially the psalms, but I personally find them more inspiring than than the sappy, treacly stuff in the Gather hymnal)

            2. Wealth and access to resources helps to mitigate risk, poverty increases risk. The universe is not moral, it’s a system of responses and counter-responses. And sometimes you’re just goddamn unlucky.

              Thucydides nailed it: The strong do as they will, the weak suffer what they must.

            3. DenverJ|11.26.16 @ 1:31AM|#
              “Yeah, pretty sure you’ve given me condolences before.”

              I’m not a bit sorry if I repeat that. I have a friend who is a bit more adamant about his atheism than I am. He’s an MD and when anyone mentions ‘god’s work’, he asks about a kid of 10 dying of cancer.
              “Is this god terminally evil or simply incompetent?”

        2. Your wife was one more person pushing back against the darkness. Condolences.

      2. All Cubans get equal medical insurance.

        1. Yeah, I knew there was a Cuban health-care joke in there somewhere. Something tells me that motherfucker got 99% of whatever care the nation had to offer.

      3. Good thing about being an atheist is not having to ask that question.

        1. I’m not a believer but how can you not ask that question.

          1. Easily. I also don’t ask my bedroom wall why fucked-up shit happens.

            Or, well, I might, but I certainly don’t expect it to answer or try to work out some mystical esoteric shit non-answer from the silence.

            Not to say that anyone who does, is doing it wrong. This is my answer. YMMV.

          2. And ‘not having to ask that question’ is actually wrong, because we should actually ask that question. And the answer is pretty obvious. SOMEONE in Cuba was receiving far better medical treatment than the glorious socialist workers, and I wonder why that was the case? Hmmm…

    2. I can’t wait to piss on his grave.

    3. Who says 2016 is the worst year ever? Burn in Hell, Fidel !

  51. Were people seriously expecting links today?

  52. I’ve made $64,000 so far this year working online and I’m a full time student. Im using an online business opportunity I heard about and I’ve made such great money. It’s really user friendly and I’m just so happy that I found out about it. Heres what I do,


  53. “…mac-and-cheese is inedible swill.”
    You are a Commie straight from Satan’s asshole.

    1. I will second that.

      Real Mac and cheese made from scratch and done right is food for the gods.

      I know this thread is long dead but I couldn’t resist. Calling mac and cheese swill is beyond the pale.

  54. Are these three Christmas specials drivel? Almost certainly. Most Christmas specials are. Almost all popular entertainment is. We remember the popular culture of eras past so fondly because, mercifully, we don’t actually remember that much of it.

  55. Amazing concept! It makes so much sense! I can?t wait to table this and get feedback. This might just turn our office around

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