Creepy Clown and Porn Fears Combine to Spawn Clown-Porn-Fueled Sex-Predator Panic

"Those who are involved in the aggressive clown porn are potentially dangerous."

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Peter Kneffel/dpa/picture-alliance/Newscom

We've reached a milestone in the Great Creepy Clown Panic of 2016, folks: the moment it morphs into a sex-predator panic. And, obviously, we have the British tabloids to thank for it. Here's the headline from the U.K Daily Star: "Rise in sick 'Killer Clown' porn craze sparks fears of UK sex attacks."

The basic premise of the story is that some men get off on women dressed as creepy clowns, they're causing a spike in clown-porn searches and clown-fetish requests at escort services, and soon their "sick fetish" may lead them to commit real-world sexual assaults "as the adrenaline junkies seek more 'extreme thrills'."

How exactly coulrophilia—that is, a sexual attraction to clowns—is supposed to drive people to rape non-clowns is unclear, but what the story lacks in logic it makes up for in references to "sex-mad sickos" and quotes from an anonymous escort-agency head. She allegedly told the Daily Star, "I've had guys asking for girls to dress as clowns and guys asking if they can be dressed as clowns during meetings. My answer is 'no' on both scores. This kind of fetish is a little beyond the wearing of a sexy uniform of some description. In my experience—30 years running an agency—guys who want this kind of service are trouble and possibly even dangerous."

For more sympathetic views of coulrophilia, see this story of sex-educator Sunny Megatron coming to terms with her boyfriend's desire to dress as a clown in bed and this tale about Jay, "a 33-year-old from Chicago and expert on the subject."

The Star also quotes a woman who counsels rape victims and worries that the "clown craze" provides cover to predators. Her theory leaves the poor clown-fetish folks out of it, suggesting instead that it's the normalization of creepy clown costumes we should fear. "Kids might think it is a laugh to run around scaring people but I think this will be used as cover for even more sinister acts by men."

Tabloids are gonna tabloid and all that, but the story is already spreading beyond British outlets like the Star and the Mirror. Popular millennial women's website Elite Daily published a clown-sex-panic story yesterday, warning readers that "the sexual deviants partaking in the madness are allegedly dressing up as clowns and experimenting with BDSM" and "those who are involved in the aggressive clown porn are potentially dangerous."

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  1. Aggressive clown porn. Aggressive clown porn. Aggressive clown porn.

    Just rolling it around in my mouth a little.

    1. I see you’re familiar with the genre.

      1. My friend ‘Sarah Bartlett’ makes $95/hour on the internet. She has been laid off for six months but last month her paycheck was $14750 just working on the internet for a few hours.. Go to this website and click tech tab to start your own work…. http://www.Trends88.Com

        1. Are you related to Abby Normal? Just a hunch . . .

    2. Come on, that’s barely even a euphemism.

      1. Sounds like a cry for help.

    3. Be careful. You’ll hurt your tongue. If you keep doing it your mouth will freeze that way, and then where will you be? Even I wouldn’t try it, and I’m a professional.

    4. I prefer passive clown porn.

    1. This is a slightly better euphemism.

    2. coulrophilia

      At least we have a term for you now. And once a term is established, it can be legislated. We’ll make your particular brand of perversion illegal and subject to increasingly harsher punishments so that legislators can look tough on moral decay. You and other sickos like you will be an unpopular minority twisting at the mercy of the body politic.

      After decades of time and countless lives ruined by the legal system, a reform movement will change our approach from criminalization to medicalization. Then we can ostracize and isolate you, and subject you to degrading and traumatic treatments against your will in the name of public health. You’ll be stuck in the grinder of the public treatment system, which is indistinguishable from prison from your side of the bars, but allows the rest of us sleep soundly at night in the knowledge that even monstrous perverts like you are treated compassionately while simultaneously keeping you the fuck away from decent society.

      We’ll fix you Crusty. We’ll find something broken inside you and then we will fix you.

      1. Weeeeeeeell, sort of.

        I guess *philia could denote a fetish. I don’t know if its that strong of a word as it normally is used (IME) to denote an attraction to or interest in – but not to the level of a sexual fetish.

        *Phobia is the antonym and it denotes something that causes anxiety.

        In any case, IMO, ‘Clown Fetish’ is a better descriptive term than coulrophilia.

        1. Look, do you want Crusty behind bars or don’t you?

          1. Well, *obviously*. Its a fetish of mine.

      2. Don’t kid yourself. Give it five years and he’ll be allowed in the bathroom of his choice. And the only people locked up will be the bigots who don’t want to understand what it’s like to live in the shadows as a coulrophilac.

  2. Balloon animal whips? Confetti restraints? Black latex floppy shoes?

    1. I’m picturing a couple dozen high-class escorts getting out of a Volkswagen, but somehow i don’t think that’s what we’re talking about here.

      1. “All I know right now is that I want to take off my underwear and put them in your purse.”

        1. Try to take the underwear out of the purse, a string of 60 colorful handkerchiefs comes out with it.

          1. You understand me like no other.

            1. Man, that’s an uncomfortable sentence to read.

              1. Run Citizen X, run for your life!

                1. hard to run in those CLOWN shoes though…

              2. what has been read cannot be unread

          2. You sure that isn’t a magician fetish?

      2. I’m picturing a couple dozen high-class escorts getting out of a Volkswagen

        “Somplace fairly uncomfortable…”

    2. Pink butt Fleshlight nose.

      1. Honka-honka. Honka-honka. HONKA. HONKA. HONKA. honkahonkahonkahonkahonkahonka…

        honka

        1. I don’t know why, but this made me laugh out loud. The kinda laugh co-workers wanna know what’s so damn funny that you laughed that hard.

          Thankfully no one came over & inquired. Might’ve gotten sent home “to rest”.

    3. “Joy buzzer” vibrators.

  3. ENB, you aren’t fooling anyone. You wrote several paragraphs just so you could run with that headline.

    1. Can you blame her?

    2. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR WEEKS FOR THE CLOWN PANIC TO TURN SEXUAL, DAMMIT

      =)

      1. and here it is!!!

        1. now down on your knees you red nosed trollop!

        1. Seriously. Getting tired of refreshing the page here (just in case)

      2. I sort of think we just learned something about ENB.

        1. She is Reason’s second-most sexually obsessed writer?

      3. I’m aroused …..and frightened.

      4. “those who are involved in the aggressive clown porn are potentially dangerous.”
        oh oh

      5. Fantastic use of the caps lock. You’ve got to be careful not to overuse it, but waiting on the clown panic to turn sexual is the perfect occasion.

        10/10.

  4. Clown-Porn-Fueled Sex-Predator Panic

    Actually, similar to that second image (both were just random things which googling that term pulled up)…. the fact is that the average mope doesnt actually think anything about the ‘”Clown Panic”” – its just the media creating its own self-perpetuating little Meme-bubble, breathlessly hyping Clown Stuff because it gets clicks.

    1. Clown Porn Sex Predators. Band name?

  5. Toss in Trump for the trifecta.

  6. People want to give me money, and I keep saying ‘no’. Even for a whoremonger, there are some consensual sexual activities that are just too vile.

  7. All I can say is that I hope a seltzer bottle figures somehow into the cumshot.

    1. And a slide whistle.

      1. And a clown car for the gang bang.

      2. If a little flag that says *bang* doesn’t pop out at the end, I’m going to be disappointed.

        1. I think in this case “splortch” might be a little more appropriate.

      3. I just got triggered in my pants a little….seltzer bottle & slide whistles woo hoo

        1. Are those 50 colored hankies tied together in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

          1. colored hankies

            It’s not 1950 anymore. African-American hankies, please.

  8. Oh, shit, good news from 1967: Ban lifted on Cuban rum and cigars.

    Since everyone who could afford to because they made a good product emigrated in the last 50 years, people who buy this stuff will be paying for a name, not the actual quality that the names used to represent.

    1. Frankly, even if they hadn’t been able to emigrate – its a state-owned enterprise *in a communist country* and has been for at least a generation. Think of all the great consumer products communist states have produced like the Lada and the WM 66.

  9. Clowns into BDSM is obviously the greatest international threat. The only acceptable way to have sex is in a Christian marriage when trying to conceive followed by an hour of prayer for the nastiness of it all.

    1. No, no, no. We pray the day before, hoping for some nasty sex.

      1. Actually that’s how I realized no one was listening to my prayers..

        1. You must cast your net wider. There’s someone for everyone, as evidenced by the subject of this post.

    2. My church hosts an annual seminar for the ladies explaining that it is ok to be kinky within marriage.

      1. Dude, where do you go to church?

      2. God is great. Praise be.

  10. The REAL aggressive-clown-sex-porn threat is those aggressive clowns in Washington, amiright?

  11. Those aren’t clown shoes, I just have big feet!

  12. Which is sexier: the gleeful smiley clown or the downtrodden hobo clown?

  13. How exactly coulrophilia?that is, a sexual attraction to clowns

    That’s it, I’m done. Stop the world, I want to get off.

    1. That’s it, I’m done. Stop the world, I want to get off.

      Listen, we all like to make our silly sex jokes, but please keep the details of your devious masturbation sessions to yourself. Thank you.

    2. dacryocoulrophilia – crying clown fetish

      1. Colorcoulrophobia – the fear of colored clowns.

        1. Please see: Citizen X|10.14.16 @ 12:48PM|#

  14. I’m waiting on this to be tied into Satan worship. If Sam and Dean has taught me anything,it’s clowns are the devil’s spawn.

    1. Nothing a double barrel of rock-salt and a devil-may-care attitude can’t fix.

  15. Better costume idea Clown or Harambe?

    1. Clown Harambe.

      1. Sexy Clown Harambe

        1. +1 red butt cheeks

    2. Adult Harambe carrying around a baby clown.

  16. Trump/Clinton is going to be the leader of the free (cough) world, and people are worried about sexual predator clowns?

    Humanity is doomed! The end should be an entertaining show.

    1. Cues up a beautiful rendition of Nearer My God To Thee.

    2. Well, if the world IS going to hell in a handbasket, then I want to be holding the handle.

      1. Old Charlie stole the handle and
        The train it won’t stop going
        No way to slow down.

  17. Female Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, children, bozos(!) …
    Barney the Bozo: Ah, say uh . . . I’m – I’m a bozo!
    Clem: Oh, yeah I thought you had a rath-a kind of a big nose.
    Barney the Bozo: (chuckling) You recognized it, huh?
    Clem: Yeah
    Barney the Bozo: Y-you’d like to give it a squeeze?
    Clem: Oh, no . . .
    Barney the Bozo: Ah, c’mon. Squeeze the wheeze. Many people like to, Here … (chuckling) See? It doesn’t hurt me.
    Clem: No
    Barney the Bozo: You know, I think-a, I think we’re all bozos on this bus!
    Clem: Ah, my mother was a bozoette at school …
    Barney the Bozo: No kidding! Well, my Ma always said-a, “You gotta start young if you’re gonna stick it out.”
    Clem: Well …
    Barney the Bozo: (chuckles) Just …
    Clem: My mother didn’t talk to me much.
    Barney the Bozo: (chuckling still) Ye … poor kid!
    Female Announcer: Now please everyone; lock your wigs, let the air out of your shoes and prepare yourselves for a period of simulated exhilaration. Everybody ready? Let’s get in sync for our flight to the future.
    Clem: Well …(clears throat) Uh, excuse me. I’m just gonna sink in …

    1. Something the leprechauns asked me when I was a sprout in Indiana has always puzzled me – why does the porridge bird lay his eggs in the air?

      1. Mmmmm Lam Runlegs Node Read Unhappy Mcnam Unhappy Mcnam Systat Uptime 9-0-1 for 9 hours 2 minutes 36 seconds. As ansapere I’m as tired of it as you are and I hope that our children will come to love us again in some better world. Yes.

        1. This is the Honorable Chester Cadaver. Sure – understanding today’s complex world of the future *is* a little like having bees live inside your head. But, there they are. And like the young lady said:

          “I said live it, or live with it!”

          What does this mean? Well, for the straight poop, let’s go where I go every morning. Centrally located, and barely a strone’s throw from the Tomb of the Unregistered Voter, downstairs in the historic old Grid Building!

          1. -There it goes, around the Department of Spies…
            “Yup, and into the office of the Secretary of Failure himself. Welp, that’s Shoes for Industry, Charlie”
            -And it’s food for thought, you know, Mr. Brown?
            “Yes, but we’re talking about *power*, Chucko.”
            -Well I know you are or you wouldn’t be there.
            “Oh! Look at that! It heard the word ‘power’ and it responded, just like we do! ……and here comes our boxcar now, back down to earth….ah! Into the middle of the Small Animal Administration.”

            1. Well Mr President, it’s the bees and spiders again. They stole my food stamps, and sold em to the rats! I tried to get down to my car an honk the horn for help, but the snakes were outside with the cockroaches! I went back upstairs, but the spiders done jammed the police lock! I ain’t been inside for a week, and I know that my wife is sleeping with the bees!!!!

              “Could you state that as a question?”

              Well, sure Mr President – where can I get a job??

              “Many busy executives ask me, what about the Jobs Displacement Market Program in the city of the future? Well, count on us to be there [“Gille”]! Because, if we’re lucky tomorrow, we won’t have to deal with questions like yours, ever again”

              *polite applause*

  18. We live in an age where urban legends are real, and taken completely seriously by the highest levels of government.

    1. Sexy clowns might finally bring back the umph that has been missing from clowning for decades.

      1. Isn’t is bliss,don’t you approve? One who keeps tearing around,one who can’t move. Where are the clowns? Send in the clowns.

  19. Probably likely that they will shut down Penn Jillette’s Alma Mater, the most wretched hive of scum and villainy ever, the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Clown College!

  20. I can see the near-future headlines now:

    Sex-crazed sickos targeting creepy clowns for rape. Presidential candidates hardest hit!

  21. “Porn Fear” = My 3Tb hard-drive of downloaded porn would crash.

    1. Yeah, it would take almost a whole hour to find 3Tb of replacement porn.

      1. When I run out of my quota off 4G data, it could take many many hours….. [shivers]

  22. That’s not really a McDonald’s logo “m” in front of Ronald McDonald n that picture, that’s actually what his penis looks like.

  23. aggressive clown porn

    The name of ICP’s next album?

  24. I don’t understand why everyone is so scared – its the *clown* that has to walk out of the woods all alone.

    1. Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
      I took the one less traveled by,
      And that has made all the difference.

  25. This world is satire.

    1. “The Onion” hit the hardest.

  26. Hmmmm.
    How are the Mormon’s going to react to this?
    The Trump should tweet something bizarre about this.
    And Michelle and the Democrats will go into vapors about the whole thing.

    SMOD, take us now!

    1. “And Michelle and the Democrats will go into vapors about the whole thing.”

      I think I’m turning Japanese.

      1. You really think so?

  27. What about those two creepy clowns running for president of the CircUS….

  28. I’m sure McDonalds loves having their logo next to that headline.

  29. I googled “coulrophilia” at work. Not safe. Not safe at all.

  30. “…aggressive clown porn…” Three words I have never seen used in a sentence before. And I’m nearly 60.

  31. You really do have to subscribe to higher-brow, topper-drawer UK newspapers.

  32. While coming to education, the technology has brought many advantages to students and as well as teachers. showbox For example, students can do their homework or assignment with ease and can complete it faster by using the Internet.

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