A.M. Links: Poll Says Clinton Beat Trump in Presidential Debate, Suicide Bombing in Baghdad, Mosque Bombing in Dresden

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  • ABC News / YouTube

    Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump faced off last night in the first of the three scheduled presidential debates.

  • Presidential debate poll: 62 percent say Clinton won, 27 percent say Trump won.
  • A suicide bombing in Baghdad has killed at least 17.
  • Two bombs exploded outside a mosque and conference center in Dresden. German authorities say the crime was a "xenophobic" attack.
  • A 25-year-old man from California has been sentenced to 30 years in prison for attempting to join ISIS.
  • "A man who injured nine people in a shooting rampage in Houston on Monday was wearing military clothes and Nazi emblems during the attack, and was carrying nearly 2,600 rounds of ammunition inside a Porsche convertible parked at the scene, authorities said."

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  1. Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump faced off last night in the first of the three scheduled presidential debates.

    Hillary exceeded expectations by not literally soiling herself. Big win.

    1. I thought it was interesting that Trump sipped water quite a bit, while Hillary did not at all.

      Good stuff she’s on, apparently.

      1. She’s got a small bladder. Remember the several minutes she was absent from that primary debate?

        1. Oh, she probably was wearing her Depends to avoid that.

      2. Ima jus’ say that teevee lights are witheringly hot, though less so if they’ve switched to LEDs.

        1. yeah rumor has it she melts when it comes in contact with her

    2. Hello.

    3. I really should not be surprised at how much in the tank NPR is for HiLIARy.

      And yet I am.

      NPR’s ersatz “Fact Check” on the debate …

  2. 240) I overheard an amusing exchange yesterday in the cafeteria at work between an older woman, probably close to retirement, and a young man, probably fairly recently out of graduate school. The older woman expressed her belief that Obama will use his remaining months in office to sell out US sovereignty to the UN. The young man openly scoffed at this, calling it a conspiracy theory and obviously considering himself superior to his co-worker getting soft-headed in her old age.

    At one time, I would have wholly sided with the young man. But as I get older, I’m more and more thinking these older people take up these conspiracy theories not because their minds are growing addled, but because they’ve seen the world for so many decades and know how corrupt it can be.

    The young don’t lose their ideals just because the gray matter starts to harden–that cynicism is hard-earned from seeing scandal after scandal, nearly every politician falling eventually to his own weaknesses. Even on a personal level, any person above a certain age will have run into bosses in his own life whose petty power has gone to their heads.

    In that exchange yesterday, the young man may have had facts on his side, but the old lady had familiarity with human nature.

    1. And those kids are on your lawn, again…

    2. 240.1T But, yes, you are on to something. Also note the recent pushes from the left to disenfranchise older voters because they “shouldn’t be making decisions that [millenials] will have to live with.”

      1. In fairness to the left, we libertarians make a similar point all the time, pointing out that programs like Obamacare and Social Security are set up to benefit baby boomers at the expense of younger folks.

        1. You missed the material difference though.

          Libertarians criticize the POLICIES of Obamacare etc… As enriching the elderly at the expense of young people

          Progressives criticize elderly people VOTING.

          Big difference there.

    3. People always have fantasies like that about powerful people. Bush was going to make himself dictator, Obama’s a secret Muslim. I don’t think it has much to do with understanding human nature. I don’t think you will find that the people who believe conspiracy theories are the most perceptive and thoughtful about human nature. It’s also in human nature not to be well organized or able to maintain the secrecy needed for most conspiracy theories to work.

      I think you have a point about people developing a more cynical view of government as they age, but I don’t think that means we should give any more credence to old people peddling conspiracy theories.

      1. It’s not even slightly far fetched that Obama would cede areas of sovereignty over to the UN or some other world encompassing organization. That’s not to say that I think it will happen necessarily, but if it did, I wouldn’t express shock. The man is the epitome of a globalist, in the worst sense of the term.

        1. It is not far fetched to see him try it.

          Here is the problem however. the President doesn’t actually have the power to do that so even if Congress with a Republican controlled House of Representatives stood by and did nothing and the rest of the government just went along because of inertia it would still fail because it would guarantee a complete Republican take over of both houses of Congress with veto proof majorities all running on a platform of reasserting out sovereignty from the UN (and likely withdrawing from the UN entirely)

      2. Such as that crazy conspiracy about the US government sending guns to Mexican Drug cartels,in some twisted attempt to leverage the ensuing carnage into gun control.

        Or the the nutty conspiracy about the US creating ISIS while arming ‘moderate’ Islamic rebels in Syria.

        Or the wacky idea that a US cabinet official would use an insecure home brew email server to hide their pay for play corruption.

        Or that…

        1. I wouldn’t call any of those conspiracy theories. Just examples of corruption and incompetence that have come to light.

          I’m thinking of the sort of thing where people are totally convinced based on no real, solid evidence that some big, nefarious conspiracy is happening.

          How the hell is the president, with a largely hostile Congress, going to cede sovereignty to the UN anyway?

          1. Carbon Tax, Internet, Nuclear Testing, etc.

            Piece by piece, in other words.

            It really shows the Proggies true colors that they love the UN so much, an organization whose vast majority of member countries are dictatorships, 3rd world shit-holes, and other authoritarian regimes.

          2. “They” have a cure for cancer, but are hiding it because there’s no money in curing a disease!

            1. It’s funny you bring that one up. I was once talking to someone at a party who firmly believed that. And also, chemtrails.

              It was one of those conversations that started off fairly normal, then took a sharp turn and next thing I knew the realization that I was talking to a batshit crazy lunatic set in. At that point I excused myself, pretending I needed to use the bathroom, and avoided that individual the rest of the night. Which probably confirmed to him that I was a deep cover MiB or some other government agent, there to spy on him.

          3. I wouldn’t call any of those conspiracy theories. Just examples of corruption and incompetence that have come to light.

            One might also call any one of them “conspiracy fact”.

            1. Yeah. that works. There are conspiracies. But usually when they come out, it reveals that the people behind them really didn’t have their shit together.

              Though for the last two, I’m not sure if they are conspiracy or just idiocy. I suppose the conspiracy theory would be that they did those things intending to get the results that they did.

              1. It can be an idiotic conspiracy. The fact that it’s a conspiracy just tells you that a group of people attempted to pull of those actions together. I’m sure Hilary (and John McCain for that matter) conspired to obfuscate the fact that the people they armed were Islamists with closer ties to terrorists than to any western ideals. As for the server, I bet Hilary didn’t set it up on her own, she had help, ergo “conspiracy”. The word just sounds more nefarious than it really is.

              2. These round solar panels that don’t work and that nobody wants are a sound business model! Give us money!

          4. How the hell is the president, with a largely hostile Congress, going to cede sovereignty to the UN anyway?

            Where’s that “hostile Congress” been hiding while Obama has gradually ceded their power to hordes of unelected bureaucrats?

            1. Being shitty, I guess.

              But congress needs to approve new treaties. And I don’t see that happening in the rest of Obama’s term. Any thing that the president could do himself would be easily undone.

            2. Thing is Congress has been ceeding that power to the horde of unelected bureaucrats for decades because they like it that way

      3. People who believe in far-fetched conspiracy theories don’t understand that power evolves like an organism. And just like an organism, it needs not be aware of the reasons for its existence or success. Most conspiracy theories can be explained by the natural evolution of power. Which, by the way, is much more scary than people in back rooms conspiring against each other.

        On a related note, my wife sarcastically asked me last night if I thought there was a conspiracy to keep GJ out of the debates. I asked her how it didn’t exactly fit the definition of conspiracy.

        1. “You must score 15% of the electorate in these five polls that won’t even ask about you in the first question about presidential candidates.”

    4. One of the pro glosses greatest tricks was discrediting the word conspiracy such that the mere suggestion that one believes any conspiracy instantly discredits the person in the same way that a charge of racism does (or at least used to).

    5. And the young man and the old lady will both feel right when Obama does some other sudden move on his last days in office.

      (I’ve got fingers crossed for more of the “pardoning a bunch of non-violent offenders” type stuff and I don’t care if that means I’m going to be looking back fondly on Obama in the future. I don’t care!!)

      1. (I’ve got fingers crossed for more of the “pardoning a bunch of non-violent offenders” type stuff and I don’t care if that means I’m going to be looking back fondly on Obama in the future. I don’t care!!

        It’d be a laudable move, but wouldn’t excuse all of the other shit he’s done over the past eight years.

      2. We might get a rescheduling of mj if Clinton wins. That would allow her to implement change without taking the blame.

        1. To be more explicit, we might see outgoing President Obama reschedule mj if Clinton wins…

      3. why would that have you looking back fondly?

        If they are non violent and deserving of pardons then why the hell didn’t he pardon them back in Feburary of 2013? Why did he make them spend most of 4 years rotting in prison just so he could look magnanimous on his way out of office?

        Fact of the matter is that while those people may have deserved to be released a President releasing them in the waning days of his term does not speak well of that President.

        1. It’s more that pardoning innocent people isn’t a high priority to the sort of people who will do whatever it takes to win office. They generally resort to it when their term is almost over and there’s nothing else of substance they can do.

    6. I’m not sure if it’s cynicism, but I always get the impression that people have a tendency to come up with these things to make sense of the world. The reality is that world events are very random, highly subject to the chance actions of individuals and, but for a very small sliver of each of our lives, almost entirely out of our control.

      Whether it’s out of fear, a need for rationalization, a need for purpose, or a desire for parents/God/whatever to be in control, people project these so-called conspiracies in, what seems to me, a desire to make sense of things because the truth that no one is in control or knows what they are doing is hard to deal with.

      You see it throughout history. King Richard the First was killed by a random watchman taking pot-shots in the middle of the night; people made up this whole tale that he was seeking treasure or otherwise doing something avaricious because the idea that their heroic king could be struck down like that was unfathomable.

      After the JFK assassination, we got all these theories about the mob or Cuba or DiMaggio or Ted Cruz’s father or whatever. Following 9/11, there was the whole “Bush did it!!” thing because the idea that a handful of pissed off Muslims could successfully execute something like that was not something people could accept.

      1. Technically, the official version of 911 is that it was a conspiracy by ObL.

        1. Technically, the Branch Davidian debacle was a conspiracy by the Feds. I mean, I wouldn’t say their end goal was to burn 87 people to death, but they certainly did everything they could to start a shootout between the government and anti-government forces.

        2. Of course it was a conspiracy.

          No one denies that conspiracies are a real thing that happens a lot.

  3. 62 percent say Clinton won, 27 percent say Trump won.

    Everyone else lost.

    1. I didn’t watch. Winning.

      1. You’re simply kicking the loss down the road.

      2. I watched the Saints do what they do best.

    2. Time, CNBC, and CBSdisagree. All have Trump winning. Odd.

      1. And by “odd” I assume you mean “not at all surprising”.

      2. Are those online polls? Because CNN is science. In fact, you can’t even spell science without a C and at least one of those N’s.

        1. That’s right, you can tell those other polls aren’t science because they have the wrong result. You can tell CNN’s poll is science because it has the correct result. Science!

      3. “Odd” that reason chose the CNN poll as their link when those you mentioned have far larger sample groups. I’d say CNN is about as left as Breitbart is right (which had 75%/25% for Trump)

    3. You know, I didn’t think Trump did that bad. Clinton was being pretty belligerent. If Trump acted like that towards her it would have been the media claiming that he isn’t presidential.

      Lester Holt had questions about birtherism and taxes aimed specifically at Trump. Two things that make no difference.

      He had zero questions about emails, the Clinton Foundation, Benghazi, or any of her other scandals. I thought he did a terrible job and showed bia,s or maybe more accurately,fear of his liberal media buddies.

      1. Lester acted like a real fuckhead.

        Cindy Crowley was no mistake.

        This is deliberate.

        Conspiracy theory be damned I know a snow job when I see one.

        1. Anyone with half a brain didn’t expect any less of him.

          The other 95% of Americans got the message that Trump is a poopy-head and Clinton is the Second Coming.

      2. I think GE is scared to death Trump will come after their conglomerate with Anti-Trust laws if he wins (because it’s the kind of dick move I’d expect him to do), and therefore is trying even harder to help Hillary across the finish line.

      3. In fairness, some people are upset about the birtherism and tax issues surrounding Trump (though the leftist media is certainly over hyping it), so these questions should be asked so Trump can try to convince voters that he’s not a total asshat. However, it was a disgrace that Holt only addressed Trump’s controversies. Clinton is riddled with them as well, and such questions should be asked. Holt needed to ask Clinton about her emails at least, as that is a major issue surrounding her.

        1. Trump’s scandals are fresh and sexy. Hillary’s indiscretions are old news.

          1. Except for, you know, that 43-year-old lawsuit Lester brought up.

  4. Mooning and streaking outlawed in Victoria, Australia

    The updated legislation has been designed, in part, to separate pranks involving nudity from acts of sexual exposure.

    The Summary Offences Act states that “behaviour that is indecent offensive or insulting includes behaviour that involves a person exposing (to any extent) the person’s anal or genital region”.

    It specifically cites “mooning or streaking” as an example of such an offence.

    The act also outlaws singing “an obscene song or ballad” and behaving in a “riotous, indecent, offensive or insulting manner”.

    *sigh*

    1. “The act also outlaws singing “an obscene song or ballad” and behaving in a “riotous, indecent, offensive or insulting manner”.”

      Wait, this is in Australia? I may have to update some stereotypes, here.

      1. Why, because Australia will soon be filled with criminals?

      2. Schmaltzing Matilda.

      3. What about referring to someone as an empty-headed animal food trough wiper and farting in their general direction?

      4. Hick town backwater of Melbourne, no less.

    2. ‘The act also outlaws singing “an obscene song or ballad”‘

      Normally I’d think this is a terrible law. But this is Australia. There’s probably some gigantic neurotoxic monster spider that’s attracted by obscene songs or something.

      I can’t wait until we get a defense of “It wasn’t a SONG, it was a LIMERICK!!”

      1. Yeah, but this is Australia – there’s probably some gigantic neurotoxic monster that’s *kept at bay* by obscene songs too.

    3. The act also outlaws singing “an obscene song or ballad”

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CNtXqBZc5a0

  5. Presidential debate poll: 62 percent say Clinton won, 27 percent say Trump won.

    Consider the source.

    1. (hovers over link) Ah, CNN, that explains a lot.

    2. What do you want to bet they had those poll “results” ready to go before the debate even happened?

      1. Hey, come on, they’re the most trusted name in news. No way they would do something as shady and biased as that.

        1. What’s funny, is that up until about 6 months ago or so, I really felt like they were mellowing out. Then Trump got a bump, articles started getting published everywhere saying the media didn’t have to be impartial, and CNN goes full derp for Clinton.

          1. The media is really disgusting. “We are the guardians of truth” as they write trying to justify being democrat cheerleaders.

      2. They took the poll on Sunday night.

    3. Almost every other poll I’ve seen has Trump winning. And like you said, it’s CNN, that’s about as far left as you can go.

      1. Which is interesting because less than ten years ago, CNN was slightly to the right of MSNBC which at the time I considered to be the most leftward biased news organization.

        1. MSNBC is crazy progressive. Just look at the lineup, even after having drummed out the worst offenders. CNN is just in the tank for Clinton and establishment Democrats generally.

          1. Yea this. CNN is just Clinton cheerleaders. I don’t think they are far left.

          2. CNN is just trolling at this point. WTF is that thing they call “Richard Quest”? They also think putting Alice Cooper in drag and calling him “Amanpour” is funny.

          3. They give Paul Freakin Begala a paycheck to write “editorials” for them.

            What do Paul Begala, James Carville, Sid Blumenthal, Lanny Davis, etc. do when there isn’t a Clinton in the news? I mean, I know that the answer is “draw a paycheck from the CGI while waiting in the cryogenic storage chamber until they are needed”, but you’d think the value of their “Clinton won the debate, I felt sorry for Trump, they needed to throw in the towel!” opinions would decline as more people notice that for 25 years now they have existed solely as parasitic feeders off of the Clinton scandal machine.

      1. Amazing how much more information one can get from the foreign press compared to the America’s press

      2. Proving my point.

    4. My take away was that this was those debates where neither side was a clear winner or did anything to get voters to change sides.

      Thus, the media surrogates for each candidate will declare victory.

      1. Pretty much. Most of the non-partisan takes I’ve seen have called it a push. It appears the consensus is that Trump was killing her the first 1/3 while Hillary won the final 1/3-2/3. The main thing to take away here is that neither candidate had any real memorable debate moments (save perhaps for Trump’s “I’ll release my taxes when Hillary releases her 33,000 emails” line), which may be critical in the waning weeks. Trump has the momentum and Hillary needs some serious kill shots that can be made viral. If she used up her ammo in this debate, no one other than her catlady/boomer base is going to care if she goes to the “sexist/misogynist” well again.

        The other thing I’ve noticed is that Trump appears to have been debating Lester as much as Hillary. I think this plays more into his hands due to the Candy Crowley effect; most Republican-leaning voters are going to remember how she nerfed Romney in 2012, so Trump has nothing to lose by insinuating that the moderators are doing the same to him.

  6. A man who injured nine people in a shooting rampage in Houston on Monday was wearing military clothes…

    SWAT team member?

    1. I heard it was Nazi uniform.

      (yes, yes…”you know who else wore Nazi uniforms?” Hitler. There. Ruined it for you.)

      1. Prince Harry?

      2. Mel Brooks?

      3. Tom Cruise?

      4. Lorenzo St. Dubois?

      5. James Mason?

  7. Experts suggest 9 weed strains to get you through a presidential debate

    Tonight’s debates have all the excitement of a national sporting event, with the added joy of extreme global consequences. For some, this may be too much to handle. So for people who don’t want to drink alcohol or meditate to deal with their anxiety, Oregon’s legal cannabis might be the answer. We turned to the experts to find out which strains of weed are most likely to get you through tonight without too much trauma.

    Remember: Cannabis is legal in Oregon, but you still need to be 21 to consume it and you should never use and drive.

    1. Super Silver Haze

    Robb Arnold, the owner of Jayne, says this sativa is perfect for the debates. It’s “energetic, uplifting and great for high stress,” he says over the phone. Bonus? It “helps with nausea,” he adds.

    This strain is almost 29 percent THC and .08 CBD.

    2. Crystal Palace

    Arnold says that tonight he might reach for the indica dominate hybrid Crystal Palace for its “relaxing and good pain relieving effects.”

    This strain is 22 percent THC and .09 CBD.

    etc…

    1. Super Silver Haze

      That’s what got me through.

    2. Cheeba Chews in honor of the missing man

  8. Presidential debate poll: 62 percent say Clinton won, 27 percent say Trump won.

    Presidential debate poll: 82 percent say Trump won

    1. Yeah, most of the polls gave Trump the advantage; CNN appears to be an outlier.

      1. The spin machine needs to correct the narrative quickly.

      2. Trump won Drudge, Time, CNBC, and several others I’ve seen. CNN is the only one I know of that that had Hillary winning. I guess maybe they’re the only ones who were not putt off by the shamelessly biased moderation.

        1. I guess maybe they’re the only ones who were not putt off by the shamelessly biased moderation.

          “It’s not bias if I agree with everything they say!”

        2. Does that really matter?

          Hillary voters think she won
          Trump voters think he won
          Everyone else thinks we all lost

          1. “Hillary voters think she won”

            Most telling that Reason chose to only highlight that particular poll.

            I eagerly await the “libertarian case for Hillary” being drafted as I type.

          2. I’m voting for the guy who wants to colonize other planets.
            Paid for by a lottery to select the people who get to go first

      3. LOL, that’s good. A lot of those sites, WaPo, Time, Slate, etc, are not exactly right wing sites.

      4. CNN appears to be an out lier.

      5. The poll of 521 registered voters who watched the debate was a sample which the network warned leaned more Democratic than the average – starting the night with Clinton ahead 26 per cent among the sample.

        Le sigh.

        1. Really, the fact that she didn’t collapse means she won.

      6. CNN must be outside the 95% confidence level.

  9. Two bombs exploded outside a mosque and conference center in Dresden.

    You know who else got Dresden bombed?

    1. Me, when I had that fifth liter of Paulaner Salvator at a bar near Br?hl’s Terrace?

      1. Damn, Switzy…

        1. I was 31, in the shape of my life and had a huge capacity for beer. But that was a bit much, even over a lovely afternoon and evening.

    2. My Uncle (who I am named after) was a bomber pilot in WW2 and was very active over Dresden. So my Uncle!

  10. German authorities say the crime was a “xenophobic” attack.

    Did someone say “Xenophobe”?!

    http://www.playretrogames.com/2335-xenophobe

    1. I spent so many fucking quarters on that game between ages maybe 10 and 12.

    2. Good game. Brings back memories.

    3. well that’s a relief, at least it wasn’t a Xenomorphic attack

  11. Indian man bitten by python whilst posing for selfie

    The victim, Ashok Bishnoi, accepted the incident happened due to carelessness on his part.

    “The moment I received the news I reached the location. I did not realize how close I was to the python and it attacked me. This is entirely my fault,” said the victim, Ashok Bishnoi.

    Vishnoi added that the mishap happened in a short span of time in spite of the fact that the rescue officials had a strong grip on the reptile.

    The snake was later released in a forest.

    1. Florida Man goes international?

    2. “I did not realize how close I was to the python and it attacked me. This is entirely my fault”

      These euphemisms, etc.

      Also, victim-blaming. Problematic.

    3. Indian probably has its own version of Florida Man.

      Injun! Which state is India’s Florida?

    1. “If you feel triggered, please know there are resources to support you”

      *** gets out marker ***

      R SORRY ASS

  12. A 25-year-old man from California has been sentenced to 30 years in prison for attempting to join ISIS.

    When he gets out he’ll still be young enough to join whatever terror group we had armed to take out ISIS.

    1. you mean the terror group we armed to take out the terror group we armed to take out ISIS.

  13. Russian teen survives 23-floor fall after attempting to impress girl

    The teenager is now in intensive care with his life under no immediate threat. Doctors say he is stable and conscious. The teenager escaped what should have been a fatal fall with multiple injuries.

    “He has a bruised abdomen and lung, a tear in his liver and a broken shoulder. The guy was born under a lucky star. He is stable and conscious,” senior assistant to the head of the investigating committee of Novosibirsk, Anastasiya Kuleshova, told TASS.

    All of this happened in the Siberian city of Novosibirsk at around 5pm local time. The teenager tried to impress the girl that was with him in the apartment. According to the police report, he climbed over the balcony fencing and swung off the handrails. His grip slipped and he fell.

    The teenager landed on a parked Renault Logan that allegedly softened the blow. He was quickly transferred to a nearby emergency care facility.

    Thank goodness he fell on a soft French car…

    1. No creature in the world is dumber than a teenage boy trying to impress a girl.

      Source: Was once a teenage boy

      1. Was once a teenage boy

        Citation needed….

        1. Citation needed….

          Sorry, dude- it was before writng was invented. /get off my lawn

      2. Good luck on your transition.

      3. I don’t know? a teenage girl trying to get the attention of a teenage boy can be pretty dumb?

    2. So? What she impressed or what?

      1. Yeah I would to get lucky after that stunt. A nice visit to the hospital.

    3. I’m not sure why the “allegedly” there.

    4. A French car that doesn’t spontaneously combust. Sweet.

      1. Thank God it wasn’t a Shitroen, eh?

        1. Spent 30 minutes one day having a French guy repeat “Citroen” for me. Impossible to pronounce for a hick. Shitroen I could’ve mustered.

    5. The teenager is now in intensive care with his life under no immediate threat.

      Until he’s up and about again.

    6. Its Russia in September – he fell into a snowbank.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VkRJ-UD8Bpw

  14. Clinton gains in online betting markets after U.S. presidential debate

    A Clinton contract on the popular PredictIt betting market gained 6 cents from the previous day’s level to 69 cents, while a contract favoring Donald Trump’s prospects for victory tumbled 7 cents to 31 cents. Contracts are priced from 0 cents to 100 cents, with the contract price equating to a probability of whether that candidate will win the Nov. 8 election.

    The price swings for both candidates were the largest since early August, and placed Clinton’s lead in that market at the widest in about two weeks.

    Clinton’s prospects also improved on the Irish betting site Paddy Power.

    About halfway through Monday’s debate, she was shown as a 1-to-2 favorite, and those odds shortened to 4-to-9 in the moments after the debate ended. Trump’s odds lengthened to 23-to-10 from 9-to-4.

    1. The international betting markets? Remind me again of how they do predicting close elections that the media is on one side of and a group of angry people on the other.

      1. Brexit, anyone?

    2. I wouldn’t put it past Team D to be active in the market to sway the price.

  15. The thing to remember about these debates, and the whole 2-party battle — the fiercest fighting in WW2 was between the Nazis and the Stalinists. This, despite the virtually identical political stances/platforms/agendas. The only significant point on which they agreed was that the other must be forced to lose. That’s it.

  16. “You did a terrible job, Donald,” the hair hissed in his ear as reporters thrust microphones at him like a phalanx of angry foam penises. Donald’s teeth creaked and groaned as he ground them together in a smile.

    “Ym murfed dif herble gurf!” the hat mumbled urgently from his suit pocket.

    “Shut up,” Donald muttered through clenched teeth, “Shutupshutupshutup!”

    The mass of reporters surged forward at the barest hint he was speaking, a wave of grasping, desperate human heat, human sweat, the sharp animal reek of sex and death, lips parted to show fangs eager to sink into bloody meat.

    “Say something,” the hair urged, “Anything. It doesn’t matter.”

    “Lester Holt did a great job,” Donald blurted out.

    “MRR! NRR MAB!” came the hat’s muffled scream.

    1. No actual sexual organs only metaphorical ones. I consider this one Rated G: Suitable for all audiences.

    2. A phalanx of phalluses. Your prose never fails to titillate, Sug.

  17. Michael Moore Says Trump ‘Won’ The Debate

    Michael Moore appeared frustrated on Twitter following the presidential debate, saying Trump “won,” and “we all lost.”

    The 62-year-old film maker warned “pro-Hillary gloaters” against celebrating over how Hillary Clinton did in the debate against the Republican presidential nominee and insisted nothing she did changed things.

    “Pro-Hillary gloaters doing end-zone dance again when still on 50-yd line,” Moore tweeted. “You must get it in your head Trump is gonna win and act accordingly!”

    PERCY: You know, a gloater, eh, come to gloat over the condemned man. I mean we’re up to our ears is gloaters here. “Can I come in for a gloat?” they shout.

    1. If nothing else, I will be sustained during this dark time by the mewling of Moore and those like him.

      1. Yes, the best thing should Trump win will be the hysterical salty ham tears of the left.

    2. Moore probably will vote Trump. He can only really make money when there’s a Republican president to bitch about, after all.

      1. What is Moore’s deal? I think he is worried about losing the limelight…he sees his time is fading. I think all his “he looks out for the common man” is a sham.

        1. He’s a consummate self-promoter. Praising Clinton gets him nowhere, but with Trump he gets a headline. I doubt he means it.

  18. I’ll be polite to my fellow fatties when they fall prey to the pressure; I understand what they’re going through. Thin people talking diets fill me up with liquid murder. I cannot abide their careful warding, hanging up knots of garlic and crossing themselves three times when they see me coming. I will not listen to their terrified superstition or their smug pseudoscience when they tell me again and again what they are willing to go through rather than become like me.

    When their talk rolls around to calories and their moral obligation to hate themselves, I typically spread out as wide as I can. I can expand like a jellyfish; it is a particular advantage of the very fat. I conform to the shape of my container like a water balloon. Displaying maximum width, I’ll eat anything I can get my hands on while they talk.

    On one notable occasion, I shut down a discussion on the evils of white rice by calmly eating a trick-or-treating sized bag of mini Snickers while nodding my fat head to show I understood.

    In outraged weariness of being seen as a cautionary whale, I seek out ways to weaponize my own image. I haunt thin people at the gym as the Ghost of Fatness Yet to Come. It started off as a demoralizing phenomenon; I began by refusing to shrink away from the pained glances and open hostility I receive for having the audacity to live in a fat body without making a constant apology for myself.

    1. Someone hates themselves, but it’s not the people trying to lose weight.

      1. It’s an engaging read, but the authorial voice seems wasted on poor subject material. I look forward with great interest to the writer’s career in fiction, to which this writing would be better suited. They already live in fantasyland, might as well put it to some good use.

        1. The writing is actually decent. Too bad it’s been wasted.

    2. I skimmed that and it is so depressing.

      1. Do not mourn for the landwhale, it hath given up on itself.

    3. “On one notable occasion, I shut down a discussion on the evils of white rice by calmly eating a trick-or-treating sized bag of mini Snickers while nodding my fat head to show I understood.”

      You sure showed them!

    4. If you are fat and OK with that, good for you.

      But if you need to write long articles insisting that everyone else must be OK with it, you might not be as comfortable with yourself as you think.

      1. That really was the glaring indicator. You don’t expend a great deal of digital ink talking about a non-issue. And someone who’s accepted a part of themselves does not regard it as an issue. This just cries “I think I could move faster if I laid down and rolled instead of walking, and it really bothers me”.

      2. ^ This.

    5. From future Part II

      Ah, those people who refuse to look at me. What are you afraid of? Sure my stumps are oozing fluid, so what? Can’t take It? If you don’t like that, check out this infected dialysis puncture site, Yikes! The rolling tally of numbers here on the side of my wheelchair? That’s the running count of you’ve paid for my medicare backed dialysis. You paid for it, you might as well look at what you’ve paid for. And all of the rest of you people with chronic illnesses that don’t get paid with medicare dollars? Suck it!

      But you just callously look away.

      Got a light? Even though you’re paying big money to clean my blood for me since my kidneys failed, I still can’t quit smoking. But, hey, see? they’re “lights” so it isn’t so bad. I’m doing my share. So you can get off your high horse and your judgements as you finance my long, slow rotting death. It’s your future, to eventually shit out your disintegrating organs in an endless black trickle, so you can just take a long look and know that sit-ups are for suckers, you conceited P.O.S.

    6. I like that every woman featured in the sidebar articles is fashionably fit and pretty.

    7. the audacity to live in a fat body without making a constant apology for myself.

      Maybe they want an apology for you “weaponizing” your image to make others feel bad.

  19. David Burge
    ?@iowahawkblog

    Eager to read the hot takes of the pundit people, because they have been so uncannily right about everything this year

    1. The man is a National Treasure.

  20. Sexual Euphemism alert!

    Elevator trouble closes Washington Monument indefinitely

    The lone elevator carrying visitors to the top of the 555-foot obelisk has broken down frequently over the past two years, roughly since the monument reopened after being damaged in an earthquake.

    Park service officials have said they don’t believe the 2011 earthquake caused the elevator problems. But they don’t know exactly what’s wrong with it. Despite a monthlong inspection, “we have not been able to determine the cause of the ongoing reliability issues,” the park service statement said.

    Del. Eleanor Holmes Norton, a Democrat who represents the District of Columbia in Congress, said the timing “could not be worse” as crowds arrive for the opening of the Smithsonian’s National Museum of African American History and Culture, which is next to the monument.

    1. crowds arrive for the opening of the Smithsonian’s National Museum of African American History and Culture, which is next to the monument.

      Soooo vibrant.

      1. Is this going to be real history, or SocJus revisionism?

        1. Depends–do they have an exhibit about black slave owners?

          1. Is that terribly relevant to African American history?

            1. Since it happened, I’d say it would be.

        2. I’ve already been. It’s all pretty bland, straightforward history. There’s also a pretty good assortment of cultural memorabilia and some so-so modern art. I didn’t catch any obvious SJWism.

        3. It’s my contention that the “real” history on these issues is social justice activism, this being one case where revisionism would yield something closer to the truth. For those unaware, not you necessarily, not all historical revisionism is bad because sometimes the accepted historical narrative is just garbage and propaganda.

    2. Steps still open, lazy asses.

  21. Huma and the enormous mute eunuch helped Hillary onto the low dais. The Clinton spin room was warm and humid and dark.

    “I’m cold, Huma. Blankets,” Hillary said gesturing weakly. Huma snapped her fingers at the eunuch and sent him lumbering away.

    “They are coming my love. Are you sure you want to do this now? Should you not regain your strength?”

    “It has to be now. If we wait until morning some of them might start thinking for themselves.”

    The eunuch approached through the gloom and began piling blankets on top of Hillary.

    “Leave her legs free, Abeed!” Huma hissed.

    “Show them in,” Hillary whispered.

    Huma crossed the room to the lighting controls and dropped the lights even further. When she opened the door to the press pen the light was startlingly bright as the chosen few bumbled and fumbled into the room.

    “Take a seat,” Huma said, smacking a few to keep them moving.

    “Come in, my friends, come in,” Hillary said, her voice a reedy rasp.

    “Sit down,” Mook screamed after following the last one in. He was already stroking an erection through the thin fabric of his pants.

    Hillary coughed weakly. “Sorry,” she said. “Pneumonia, you know.” The press corps laughed knowingly.

    “It is time my friends. Time for communion,” Hillary told them.

    “Communion,” they said as one.

    They leaned back on their cushions and opened their mouths for the gray-pink intestacles slithering out from under the mound of Hillary’s blankets.

    1. intestacies

      Beautiful.

      1. Autocorrected. Incredible!

    2. This part makes me want to watchSlither again.

      1. I went into that movie with low expectations – but ended up loving it. Great humor.

    3. Your prose is approaching that of vintage Doug Kenney.

      1. I would have said Charles Bukowski, but Doug Kenney works.

      2. High praise indeed. Way too high, really. I consider myself just a simple entertainer of perverts.

        1. Well….that would be us, yes.

          1. Speak for yourself. I’m no pervert. *leers at woman walking buy then giggles like Hihn.

  22. Clown warnings issued ahead of Halloween season

    A string of frightening encounters involving children and clowns has officials warning people to be on the lookout for these characters this Halloween season.

    The Tennessee Highway Patrol says this October, if you see something, say something.

    THP says watch for clowns trying to lure children in to the woods. They are possibly predators. Call 911 or *847 pic.twitter.com/7AaEOj4WuE
    ? TN Highway Patrol (@TNHighwayPatrol) September 24, 2016

    Clown sightings have been recorded through late summer in South Carolina, southern Kentucky, Tennessee and a few other states.

    1. The Tennessee Highway Patrol says this October, if you see something, say something.

      Is laughing considered “saying something”?

    2. So, who’s going as a clown this Halloween?

      1. A blackface clown maybe. Gotta cover all the bases. I want to offend people while I scare them at the same time.

        1. It would be hilarious to see the streets filled with clowns and blackface minstrel show characters on Halloween. Just imagine the combo of overblown safety panic plus indignant moral outrage.

          1. +1 Homey don’t play that

            (90’s flashback complete)

    3. I love this way this nonsense is being presented. Like clowns are a separate species, and you warn about them the same way you’d warn about coyote or bear sightings.

      1. I still say there are a separate species…you, know, Juggalos.

    1. What in the name of god was that?

      1. I’m not sure; but it’ll probably be illegal soon.

    2. Its the Giant’s Drink, right out of Ender’s Game. I’m really surprised that someone hasn’t made a game like that now that it could go out to the Internet and steal your facebook soul and really fuck with your head. Wait, hold on. Be back in like, six months.

    3. Sweet meteor of death please hurry.

  23. Mickey Kaus ?@kausmickey 11h11 hours ago
    Maybe Hillary should smile *less* …

    1. Mickey misspelled ‘smirk’.

  24. VW learns it’s each according his means, each according to his ability to pay.

    In criminal prosecutions, the Justice Department may assess the impact of a charge or settlement on a business’s viability, and the resulting effect on shareholders and employees. A prosecution’s potential collateral damage is one of the factors the department considers under principles for prosecuting businesses laid out in the “U.S. Attorney’s Manual.

    1. The parasite wants to maximize the draw without killing the host. See tobacco industry et al

      1. “That’ll be 2 liters of blood for that burrito.”

        “All I have is this used tampon.”

        “Fine. Hand it over.”

    1. At least disposal post-election won’t cause problems.

    2. It wasn’t me! /another Michigan Man

      1. (insert Mitten joke here)

    3. Florida Man would have salted the land; make that shit permanent.

    4. Actually impressed with the letterforms.

  25. Bones Unearthed in Finger Lakes Backyard Are Those of Long-Dead Inmates

    It turned out that Mr. Johnson’s backyard was once part of a small burial plot run by Auburn Correctional Facility. The bones were the earthly remains of more than 300 prisoners whose unclaimed bodies were buried more than a century ago, beginning in the 1870s. Among those laid to rest here was Leon Czolgosz, the American anarchist who in 1901 assassinated President William McKinley.

    “It was creepy,” said Mr. Johnson, who with his wife is expecting a child. “We kept finding pieces of bones. I was like, ‘Where are they all coming from?'”

    But that still leaves plenty of bones sprinkled across the upturned earth in Mr. Johnson’s yard. On a recent weekday, teeth and ribs lay in the dried mud. “That’s a vertebra, maybe,” said Mr. Johnson wearily. He recently tore down the yellow tape placed around the area where the bones were uncovered. “I got tired of looking at it,” he said.

    1. He could put in a pool and relive the ending of Poltergeist whenever he wanted. Great for parties.

      1. Ghost felons are the worst.

    2. For Sale sign in yard. STAT

  26. Want to Make Ethical Purchases? Stop Buying Illegal Drugs

    That’s why Americans must recognize that every time they buy illegal drugs they reward the cartels. If you think one person’s consumption is too small to make a difference, consider that $100 ? what a recreational cocaine user might spend on a single weekend ? buys the cartels 500 rounds of ammunition; $500 buys a new AR-15 rifle; $700 covers the monthly salary of one of their gunmen.

    Without the vast profits from the drug trade, cartels would be infinitely less powerful, and our governments could neutralize them.

    If you use illegal drugs, even just occasionally, please reconsider. Lives are at stake. Go for legal vices if you must. Even if you never use illegal drugs, you probably know people who do. Tell them about the trail of blood that led to their night of partying. If they had seen it firsthand, as I have, they wouldn’t buy those drugs.

    We can shatter the misconception that recreational drug use is a victimless crime. We must put an end to the hypocrisy that allows people to make purchases based on their concerns about the environment, workers’ rights or animals ? but not about killing people in Mexico.

    1. We can shatter the misconception that recreational drug use creating black markets and extra-judicial power struggles through pig-ignorant legislation is a victimless crime.

      1. paid for by the Colorado, Oregon, and Washington tourism boards

    2. What do ethics have to do with laws?

      1. It’s the law! You must follow the law!

      2. A distressing number of people seem to believe that following the law is a virtue in and of itself.

    3. “Well, since you put it that way, I guess I’ll quit”, said no cokehead ever.

    4. Counter-proposal: Legalize drugs and cartels would have to compete with legal sources. Without the vast profits from the drug trade, cartels would be infinitely less powerful, and our governments could neutralize them.

      1. But they’re illegal! Don’t you get it?

      2. And then you’d have more powerful govts (taxes). You’re asking me to choose between the lesser of two cartels.

    5. Someone has to trot this one out every now and then.

      Yeah, some weekend warrior buying grams of coke is really raking it in for the cartels.

      And as is obvious to everyone here, it’s prohibition that feeds the cartels.

      Just a variation on the stupid “just say no” fantasy.

    6. “Go for legal vices if you must.”

      Right. Like Karatom, for example. Wait.. What’s that you say? The DEA’s classifying it as Schedule 1 on October 1st?

      *crosses yet another “legal vice” off list*

    7. This is the equivalent of, “Why do you make me hit you? If you’d just do what I say and have dinner ready on the table when I get home I wouldn’t have to lose my temper and smack you around! If you really loved me you wouldn’t put me in that position, baby!”

    8. That’s why I only buy organic fair trade coke.

    9. $500 buys a new AR-15 rifle

      Or 2.5 used black market AK-47s.

      If you’re already in the illegal drug trade, why not get in the illegal gun trade, too?

  27. Josh Jordan ?@NumbersMuncher 10h10 hours ago
    Lester Holt negative questions to Trump:
    Tax Returns
    Birther issue
    Iraq War
    Hillary Presidential Looks

    Negative questions to Clinton:
    None

    1. The questions definitely skewed pro-Democrat, and I thought Hilldog got off easy by not getting anything about her many, many transgressions, but it was not the worst moderator performance by any stretch.

      1. It’s amazing how Lester the Clown forgot to ask HER about Iraq.

        1. I didn’t realize until last night that the political opinions of a businessman and game show host were more important than those of a U.S. senator.

  28. “Two bombs exploded outside a mosque and conference center in Dresden.”

    Bombs in Dresden?? I’ll bet the Brits are behind this.

    1. Fuckit. Just need to get the kids raised, then get my ahss to Mars.

      1. Libertopia on Mars: where you have to put money in the air supply machine or you die!

        1. What? Fuck that. I’m just going to plant a bunch of plants and fertilize them with urine, feces, and the bodies of claim jumpers.

          1. Honest science question – how much green per person do you need for a good oxygen supply?

            1. Oxygen would not be a problem on Mars. All that red sand? Rust, iron oxides.

              You need an earthlike habitat for agriculture, so again Oxygen plus added CO2 scrubbing.

              1. My question was not about mars in particular but keeping a working atmosphere in a closed system.

            2. Based on these results, the bigger problem is CO2 poisoning of the air. If you consume 550 liter/day of O2 and exhale 3500 liter/day CO2, you really need to scrub the CO2 more than create O2. Amazingly, IO9 stopped jerking off to Dr. Who long enough to provide a reasonable answer.

              Real answer, depending on the volume and whether or not you will use additional methods to scrub CO2, approximately 700 shrub sized plants. Maybe 1000 combined potato/tomato/pepper plants per person in a habitat. Half that if you have CO2 scrubbers.

              1. Thank you Brett and Agammamon.

                That’s a lot of plants…

                1. Make some of them weed and I’m in. And coffee.

                  1. You can’t smoke in here! You’ll have to grow some rapeseed so you can do oil extractions.

                    1. Reading through some of the parts of Agammamon’s link I saw the interesting little catch that growing enough plants to feed the person consumed twice the carbon dioxide than the person put out, so there needed to be an additional carbon source to counterbalance the additional food crops.

                2. But you’d have a hard time having a food shortage.

    2. Elon Musk is preparing to reveal further details of his hugely ambitious plan to build a city on the surface of Mars soak up more subsidies and sweet, sweet government dollars.

      1. No, I think his plan really is to go to Mars, and the soaking up public money is just the only way he sees to do it. I suspect he’ll be at least partially successful and be immortalized for it.

    3. How about he ensures the viability of Tesla first?

      And without the tax credits preferably.

    4. HOW MUCH WILL IT COST ME, JOE TAXPAYER?

  29. Man convicted in rock-toss that hurt teacher nears release

    A second man convicted in a rock-throwing episode on a Pennsylvania interstate that caused severe brain trauma to an Ohio teacher is set to be released from prison.

    The (Sunbury) Daily Item (http://bit.ly/2domVWa) reports 21-year-old Brett Lahr could leave a state prison in Smithfield Monday when he completes the minimum of his 18-month to 20-year sentence. Another defendant, Keefer McGee, was granted parole in August after serving 11 1/2 months in jail. Two others are still serving their sentences.

    Sharon Budd lost an eye and underwent numerous surgeries for her injuries from the July 2014 attack. She remains impaired. Her husband, Randy Budd, shot himself at his Uniontown, Ohio, home a couple weeks before McGee was paroled.

    The four defendants injured Budd by dropping a nearly 5-pound rock from an overpass onto Interstate 80.

    1. Wait, he was 19 when he did this? I’ve heard of 10-year-old kids doing this, but they can’t imagine they damage it would do. A 19 year old should be tried for attempted murder.

    2. Hang them from the overpass

      1. I’d give them the choice of death. Rock, paper or scissors.

      2. That might just cause more accidents and injuries.

  30. Why Trump decided not to bring up Monica Lewinsky at debate

    Donald Trump said he held back from bringing up Monica Lewinsky at the Monday presidential debate ? because he saw Chelsea Clinton the audience.

    “When she hit me at the end with the women, I was going to hit her with her husband’s women and I decided I shouldn’t do it because her daughter was in the room,” Trump said Tuesday morning in a phone interview on Fox News’ “Fox & Friends.”

    Clinton had taken aim at Trump by quoting sexist comments he’d made in the past.

    “I didn’t feel comfortable doing it with Chelsea in the room. I think Chelsea is a fine young lady,” Trump said in the morning-after interview.

    After the debate, former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani, who is advising Trump, said the Republican nominee was going to call Clinton “phony as a feminist.”

    1. True or not, that’s more humanity than any other Presidential candidate has displayed this election cycle.

    2. Smart move, that. I don’t think bringing up Bill and Monica would have helped him. It’s true that Hillary behaved pretty reprehensibly during that whole ordeal and, given her attacks on Bill’s many women, should be afforded no credibility when it comes to her claims about “all sexual assault victims have a right to be believed.” But I just don’t think Trump could have addressed the issue in a way that wouldn’t offend a large number of viewers.

      1. True. I definitely call BS on him for saying that Chelsea was the reason he didn’t mention it. He surely realized that it would do more harm than good to discuss it. Besides, the way Hillary attacked him on women, I’m sure she was trying to goad him to that response, in which she had some planned rebuttal. You’re damned if you do, and damned if you don’t, though his response was the least damaging.

    3. So he brought it up on national television the next day. What a guy.

      1. Unless Chelsea was giving the interview, it’s not inconsistent with what he said.

      2. Chelsea’s not in the room anymore. And technically, he didn’t bring it up. He just answered a question.

      3. “I didn’t think it was appropriate to bring it up when her daughter was sitting there” isn’t exactly a damning justification.

  31. That demonic wench spoke about cyber security last night, and no one laughed.

    1. Hey! *I* laughed when she mentioned respecting the law!

    2. My wife and I laughed, then were shocked that Trump didn’t call her on that bullshit.

      1. She walked into several blind alleys just begging to be mugged and gutted but unfortunately there was a blowhard democrat orangutan manning the other podium

  32. In an email exchange with the detective posing as a 15-year-old girl, the bus driver specifically requested “no panties.” He also admitted he had spent all day chatting while driving the school bus transporting special-needs students.

    A second suspect, a 34-year-old Bothell man, admitted to undercover detectives that he was a teacher, court files say. In an online exchange with the supposed 15-year-old girl, he wrote, “Imagine if u were in my classroom, yikes. … Too tempting,” according to court documents.

    The teacher later told detectives he did not come to the meeting place to have sex with the girl, but to “counsel her,” court documents say.

    1. This shit fucking infuriates me. Great, you ruined a bunch of guy’s lives for trying to have sex with what they believed was a completely willing pubescent girl. Got all the real criminals caught, do ya?

      1. “Protecting our county’s most vulnerable citizens ? our children ? will always remain our No. 1 public safety priority,” said Snohomish County Sheriff Ty Trenary. “Getting these predators off our streets makes our communities safer.”

        1. Imaginary children are the most vulnerable!

    2. And they’re charging him with texting-and-driving, right? Because I didn’t realize it was illegal to roleplay with a dude pretending to be a 15 year old girl.

      1. Well, they intended to have sex with a 15-year-old girl, and intent matters more than any actual criminal activity. Which is why Hillary didn’t get indicted.

      2. Dude, its illegal to claim a bag of oregano is pot. What’s *really* happening is irrelevant in these situtations – as long as they can get someone to prosecute.

  33. I think Trump is going to win. This election is playing out like Happy Gilmore.

    The entrenched star Shooter McGavin (Hillary) who is seeking/feels entitled to the green jacket. He is the fave of all the snobby country club elite types.

    Enter Happy (Trump) who gains popularity for his bombastic style and non filter on mouth which attracts the commoners. Shooter thinks it is a joke at first and has the green jacket in the bag.

    But with happy the ratings and press are thru the roof. But then Happy begins to moderate his tone (here comes the putter throw…wait a new happy gilmore). Shooter starts to feel threatened and throws obstacles. Happy snags the green jacket and Shooter ends up in jail

    1. Hillary eats pieces of shit like Trump for breakfast.

    2. Get a load of this optimist. Nothing as cool as Bob Barker Fistfight is EVER going to happen in this election, buddy.

      1. November isnt here yet. There is still time.

      2. I think a fistfight between Trump and Hilldog would top it.

    3. Hillary eats pieces of shit like Trump for breakfast.

      1. It’s like I’m invisible to you.

        1. Haha sorry

        2. Red Jacket, Green Jacket? Who give’s a shit. (Sorry)

      1. something something great minds…

    4. And then the debate moderator tells Trump “Mr. Trump, what you’ve just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.”, but Trump still pulls off a win by giving Hillary an ethics question.

  34. Stock market is down this morning. Looks like Trump won the debate after all, or so the traders think.

    1. The guy who says he is going to lower taxes wins and the market drops? Interesting.

      1. Trump did point out that all the Wall Street fat cats are donating to her campaign.

      2. The more salient point he made concerning the market is that we’ve got another bubble going and the Fed is propping it up, at least until the election.

  35. Wow, the Oxford comma would change this sentence dramatically.

    Clinton invited several people to the debate, including Mark Cuban, a 9/11 survivor and a domestic abuse survivor.

    What the fuck is the point of J-School if not to learn punctuation and its effects on sentences?

    1. Or, if opposed to the oxford comma, they could reorder the nouns:

      Clinton invited several people to the debate, including a 9/11 survivor, a domestic abuse survivor and Mark Cuban.

      1. Yes. Leading with the proper noun necessitates the extra comma.

        1. But Mark Cuban did survive 9/11. Are you sure he’s not a domestic abuse survivor too?

      2. A Domestic Mark Cuban invited several people to the Clinton abuse, including a 9/11 survivor, to the debate.

    2. Strictly speaking, Cuban is a 9/11 survivor.

      I’m generally not an Oxford comma guy. But the main function of punctuation should always be to make meaning clearer and less ambiguous, not to follow rules.

      1. Strictly speaking, Cuban is a 9/11 survivor.

        Wow. That made me laugh. Not that you’re wrong.

      2. I am a 9/11 survivor too.

        1. *pours a 40 on the curb*

    3. “Clinton invited several people to the debate, including a 9/11 survivor, a domestic abuse survivor and Mark Cuban, who is neither.”

      English is my second language.

  36. It will be interesting to see if Johnson or Stein get post-debate bumps in the polls. Usual disclaimers about polls.

  37. Two bombs exploded outside a mosque and conference center in Dresden. German authorities say the crime was a xenophobic attack.

    You see? They still refuse to call it ‘terrorism’!

  38. Now that waterboarding has been banned, future terrorism detainees will be interrogated by forcing them to listen to Trump and Clinton bicker for hours on end.

    1. Nope, you need the terrorist to remain sane if you hope to get intel

  39. “A man who injured nine people in a shooting rampage in Houston on Monday was wearing military clothes and Nazi emblems during the attack, and was carrying nearly 2,600 rounds of ammunition inside a Porsche convertible parked at the scene, authorities said.”

    Are they sure they weren’t caught shooting a reboot of The Blues Brothers?

  40. Instead of the debates, I fell asleep on the sofa watching an episode of Kojak.

    1. +1 “Who loves you, baby?”

  41. http://www.theatlantic.com/mag…..em/497549/

    Article goes a little progtard, and the irony is that the FDR foundation is the publisher of the study. What did FDR’s increased regulations and federal power promote? Oh…. that’s right, industry consolidation, and less innovation. We only innovated because most of the world’s best minds moved here to escape crazy totalitarian regimes, and we literally destroyed almost every industrial competitor during WWII.

    1. It should be noted that most of the industrial innovation during his tenure took place during the war, when FDR had to abandon his populist demagoguery against businesses in order to harness their expertise in industrial production for war materials and logistics.

    2. Citizens United has empowered business at the same time corporate profits have been hitting an all-time high;

      LOL? I bet they think CU means companies can finance campaigns?

  42. A 25-year-old man from California has been sentenced to 30 years in prison for attempting to join ISIS.

    Why is this a crime?

    Totally unrelated — Has Hillary had a ton of work done or did she just have a ton of makeup on last night? She sure as fuck didn’t look 68.

    1. She has been looking good recently.

      1. *inches away from CJ*

      2. #wouldneverHillary

    2. Why is this a crime?

      Because terrorism.

  43. Sowell: The Lasting Damage of the Left’s ‘Favors’ to Blacks

    Back in the 1960s, as large numbers of black students were entering a certain Ivy League university for the first time, someone asked a chemistry professor ? off the record ? what his response to them was. He said, “I give them all A’s and B’s. To hell with them.”

    Since many of those students were admitted with lower academic qualifications than other students, he knew that honest grades in a tough subject like chemistry could lead to lots of failing grades, and that in turn would lead to lots of time-wasting hassles ? not just from the students, but also from the administration. He was not about to waste time that he wanted to invest in his professional work in chemistry and the advancement of his own career.

    He also knew that his “favor” to black students in grading was going to do them more harm than good in the long run, because they wouldn’t know what they were supposed to know. Such cynical calculations were seldom expressed in so many words. Nor are similar cynical calculations openly expressed today in politics. But many successful political careers have been built on giving blacks “favors” that look good on the surface but do lasting damage in the long run.

    1. Coach Boone: Now I may be a mean cuss. But I’m the same mean cuss with everybody out there on that football field. The world don’t give a damn about how sensitive these kids are, especially the young black kids. You ain’t doin’ these kids a favor by patronizing them. You crippling them; You crippling them for life.

  44. Within 10 minutes of the debate my wallet crawled to a corner and began to weep. By the end my shotgun had been confiscated, my ammo mysteriously expired and my copy of the constitution had spontaneously combusted.

  45. Seeing all these polls and commentariat talking about Trump winning the debate last night has been making me revisit it in my memory to see what I might have missed. I didn’t see it last night and I don’t see it today. Apart from some interesting stuff about corporate taxes at the beginning and a decent jab at Hillary about the emails, I thought he spent a lot of time on his heels. He looked belligerent and amateurish, not like a serious candidate. I think Clinton is the devil incarnate, but she looked like she was at least ready for the debate. She was definitely helped by the softball questions and a friendly moderator, but if anybody won last night she did.

  46. I didn’t watch that trash “debate”. Never will. But I can see it now:

    CNN: “We polled 1,000 Democrats, and it’s a clear landslide: 62% say Clinton won!”

    USA: **wipes drool off chin**

  47. Sick Snuke got all the questions from NBC delivered to directly to her people a week in advance (and I’m guessing she was probably given free reign to strike out all the ones she didn’t want), and she still didn’t do that great. Pretty sad!

  48. ARRRGGGHHHH!!!!FLAWED DEBATE!!! IF ONLY LESTER HOLT ASKED HILLARY CLINTON ABOUT HER BENGHAZZIII EMAILS FOR THE 62,341st TIME THINGS WOULD HAVE BEEN DIFFERENT. WE NEED TO FIND ABOUT THE QUID PRO QUO GOING ON ANY TIME ANY PERSON ANYWHERE MAKES A DONATION TO BUY MOSQUITO NETS VIA THE CLINTON FOUNDATION!!! ARRRGGGHHH. ME LIBERTARIAN RUSH LIMBAUGH FAN AND THIS DEBATE MAKES ME MAD. ERRRGGG!!!

    1. LIBERTARIAN RUSH LIMBAUGH FAN

      We knew you believed in chupacabras but you actually believe there are libertarian Rush Limbaugh fans?

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