Sex Work

Homeland Security Helps Take Down Unlicensed Massage Therapists

So terrorism is solved, right?


adapted from DuPage County Sheriff's Office/Facebook

Update/Correction: It seems I originally misread the police statement, and the homeland security forces involved here were not federal agents but officers of the DuPage County Office of Homeland Security and Emergency Management (OHSEM). The OHSEM mission is also (allegedly) preparing for and responding to terrorism and natural disasters, so it's still a joke that its officials are concerning themselves with catching unlicensed massage therapists and people engaging in prostitution—but not quite the same as federal officials stepping in. Allow me to rationalize my mistake for a moment, though: the U.S. Department of Homeland Security (DHS) is routinely involved with prostitution stings across the country (for a few examples see here, here, and here). DHS has also spearheaded initiatives to take down regulation-skirting Asian massage parlors and gay escorting websites.  And this master of mission creep has also begun training truckers, teachers, strippers, and motel staff on how to spot sex trafficking.

(Original post below)

Good news, my fellow Americans: all terrorist threats and other dangers to our national security have been handled. How else to explain the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) participating in local prostitution stings across the country on the regular and, now, turning their attention toward unlicensed massage therapists?

In a joint operation last week, Homeland Security officials and police from DuPage County, Villa Park, and Oakbrook Terrace, Illinois, took down four women who were allegedly offering unlicensed massages at a place called the Pine Tree Spa.

The four women, all Asian Americans in their early 40s, were arrested at the spa Friday and taken to DuPage County jail. Each was charged with one count of unlicensed practice of massage therapy. One of the women was also charged with one count of prostitution, after allegedly offering to engage in some sort of paid sex act with an undercover police officer and 

"Further charges may be pending if the business owners are unable to produce a valid business license," according to a DuPage County Sheriff's Office statement. 

NEXT: Will We Ever Truly Know the Extent of CIA Torture During the War on Terror?

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  1. My tax dollars – and yours – at work. Obama be praised!

    1. Doing the thankless work of saving Western civilization from the scourge of happy endings.

  2. From the press release:

    “Sheriff’s Community Cocern Leads to Prostitution Arrest”

    It’s the headline of the release. You would think whatever mouthbreather was writing this would at least check the fucking *headline.*

    1. If the writer was smart enough to do that, he wouldn’t be in this line of employment.

  3. Well, i for one feel safer. If you start letting people rub each other’s muscles without the proper state credentials, where does it end? I’ll tell you where: Somalia!

    1. That doesn’t sound very happy to me.

  4. Thank goodness Homeland Security was there to arrest these (probably tiny) Asian women for assaulting the homeland with their unlicensed practice. No one ever gives massages unless sanctioned by the State unless they’re terrorists.

    And by ” the homeland” I mean my muscles. And by assaulting I mean…

    *looks up local massage therapist*

  5. Sounds like this doesn’t have a happy ending.

  6. I think we’re missing the more important story. Chicagoland police officers managed to arrest an Asian masseuse without anyone beating her up or threatening to send her home in a fed ex box.

  7. Personally, I don’t think they were arrested merely for unlicensed massage therapy. That’s probably a placeholder charge to keep them locked up until they can charge all four with prostitution.

    That said, neither of those things should be crimes.

    1. Obviously. The entire reason ‘unlicensed massage’ is a felony in some states is because the goal is to use it to harshly penalize prostitutes if they can’t prove they’re prostitutes. Stuff like this is an end-run around due process and jury trials.

      1. Heh heh heh, you said “penalize prostitutes.” Heh heh heh.

    2. It’s interesting to speculate how, in a couple decades when sexbots are putting women like this out of work, the neo-puritans will regulate/prohibit machines from doing what living, breathing women are doing now.

  8. “How else to explain the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) participating in local prostitution stings across the country on the regular and, now, turning their attention toward unlicensed massage therapists?”

    It’s easy to explain. When you’re busting terrorists, the freebies you can collect are not worth the effort. Who wants someone’s sweaty head covering or dog-eared copy of the Quaran?

    But when you’re a fed taking down dangerous local prostitutes and masseuses, you can — um, “sample the goods” to determine the degree of the danger presented to an unsuspecting public.

    Not to mention it’s much better to enter a situation where the gravest danger to you when you pull out your badge is getting cursed out in Korean, versus getting beheaded with a rusty scimitar.

    1. So… why do we pay the Deutsche Hauptstelle f?r Suchtfragen hazardous beheading rates?
      Why not throw in a gift certificate to the Lorena Bobbitt Short Stop Parlor. I promise to be happy with the ending…

  9. Sounds like they…

    (dons sunglasses)

    rubbed someone the wrong way.

    1. Sounds like these women…

      (dons sunglasses)

      Are about to get the shaft.

  10. In a sane world the response to this would be “So, you’re spending your time looking for prostitutes and masseuses? Wow! I guess you must have fully tackled the terrorist threat. Congratulations, guys! You can go home now.”

    1. “We have the ability to focus on more than one thing at a time, citizen.”

      /nothing left to cut.

    2. They are training women in the virtuous practice of being bullied. The Islamic State and Republican Party are planning a merger and females need to learn their place.

  11. Difficult to tell for sure, but around the edges those gals look like four of the ones that filed sexual assault charges against Saint Albert of Gore, a.k.a. the Sore Loser.

  12. Anyone who thinks unlicensed massage therapists aren’t terrorists has clearly never been the victim of a sub-standard rub down. /sarc

    1. I know, right? I remember one that acted like she was trying to start a lawn mower.

      1. Has your pull starter returned to its normal length yet?

  13. But remember now, DHS can’t effectively fight the terrorists because their budget is too small! They just don’t have enough personnel…

    1. “…because their budget is too small.”

      Maybe some local prostitutes and unlicensed masseuses pointed out to their DHS clients that their budget was not the only thing that was too small.

      With their confidence shaken and their feelings humiliated, these under-endowed federal agents felt they had to take action.

  14. Thank God G.W. Bush and other right-minded legislators consolidated and streamlined our national security apparatus and created the Dept of Homeland Security so that it could focus on existential threats after 9/11. That’s the kind of outside-the-box thinking this country needs.

  15. Makes sense to me. If you can get a massage from an unlicensed practitioner, the terrorists have won!

  16. Setting aside the fact that prostitution should not be illegal at all, why is it now a crime that requires federal law enforcement resources?

    Face it, between DHS busting prostitutes and Dept of Ed setting school bathroom policies, federalism is completely dead. Maybe we should stop pretending that it’s still anything other than a fantasy.

  17. Maybe this is all a misunderstanding? Maybe DHS went there because they had heard that these women were professional hitmen. Rumor on the street was that they would rub someone out for $20.

  18. And that is your Federal government at work. Don’t it make you proud.

  19. No doubt they worked the “human trafficking” angle on this to justify fed involvement. What assets were seized?

  20. All these comments about prostitutes. It’s not prostitution any more, it’s “international sex trafficking”. That’s why the feds are involved, it’s to protect these helpless victims from …… well, from the story as far as I can tell, they were being protected from themselves. But that doesn’t mean they aren’t the most foul of vicious predators exploiting the weak and helpless women they’ve forced into sex slavery! We need a federal response to this epidemic threatening the public health, so I see no need to get all upset when the CDC is just doing exactly what they should be doing by arresting these filthy vermin. I’m just wondering why – since these people no doubt flew here – why the FAA wasn’t involved, why they weren’t doing their job to protect us from these modern-day slavers. And the FDA – I’ll bet there was some use of products not in accordance with the label directions going on there and god knows sex traffickers probably don’t care if you use more than a safe and effective dose of baby oil.

  21. “after allegedly offering to engage in some sort of paid sex act with an undercover police officer”

    C’mon, that’s not the way to disguise prostitution as massage!! You’re supposed to just jack up the price of your “regular” massage services and then, “spontaneously” offer a sexual act at the “end” of your massage routine.

    That way it’s a simple consensual sex act that had nothing to do with the offered massage services. It just so happens that you only ever offer this consensual sex to clients “after” a session. Probably a coincidence. And impossible to prove legally it was not.

  22. How in the hell does this come under federal jurisdiction?


    1. Probably under an EPA regulation regarding fertile valleys.

  23. Since when are mug shots censored?

  24. See what happens when the cops don’t get their usual freebies?

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