Final Reason Weekly Contest: Laugh at Trump's Misfortune (and the Nation's)

Last week's winners revealed.

Todd Kranin / Reason

And now for the results of our final contest. After word leaked that Donald Trump's campaign manager was once arrested for walking into a Congressman's office with a loaded gun (he claimed he'd gotten his bags mixed up), we asked you to come up with a headline announcing the next surprising bit of gossip from the Trump campaign.

WINNER:

Trump to Rename Guantanamo "Trump Torture Chamber" -- Jock Hoffman, Arlington, MA

SECOND PLACE:

Trump Admits to Hand Transplant -- Joyce  Farrell, Wuatoma, WI

THIRD PLACE:

Trump Reveals Well Thought-Out Economic Plan to Repeal O-Care and Introduce a Balanced Budget.  -- Bobarian, Vine Grove, KY

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

Donald Trump Press Secretary Accidently Releases Sex Tape Involving Candidate and his Undocumented Housekeeper, Lupita. Trump Poll Numbers Jump 8 Points. --  Bobarian, Vine Grove, KY

Rosie O'Donnell Endorses Trump -- L. B. Lebin, Mill Hall, PA

Breaking: Evidence Points to Possibility Ivana, Marla, and Melania All Married Donald Trump for his Money. -- Tim Whalen, Manassas, VA

Trump Taps Christie for VP, Will Campaign as "Big and Rich" -- Robert Ryan, Dallas City, IL

AND FROM THE COMMENTS:

Trump Support Staff Revealed to be 13 Undocumented Nicaraguans Pulling Policy Positions Out of a Fishbowl

Donald Trump Suspends Campaign after Allegations of Propriety

Trump: "I am no longer 'The Donald' anymore. I am 'The Caitlyn' "

Trump Campaign Expects Women to Lift Up Toilet Seat for Men

Support for Trump's Candidacy Surges to 90 Percent After He Announces Plans to Immediately Deport Whining Millennials

Hillary's Campaign is Biggest Trump Contributor

After a Debate, Donald Treats Himself to a Warm Bath and Good Cry

Trump-Kardashian 2016

Donald Trump Used to Comment at Reason Under the Name "Lone Whacko"

Thanks for the fun!

Comments

[UnCivilServant]

What? You're not holding any more?

You could probably run them without prizes and we'd still participate for the snark of it.

[Robert]

Can't afford the staff time judging them? After seeing the one my entry came in 2nd to, I can understand they must've been hard pressed.

[Jerryskids]

Final contest? So Trump has put an end to the joking. So sad.

[DEATFBIRSECIA]

Trump is the end.

[UnCivilServant]

No. I refuse to accept that. If reason won't hold a snark-fest each friday, we'll have to take over another thread and do it ourselves!

[Swiss Servator]

I AM WITH YOU!

[Fist of Etiquette]

He didn't even ask if you were. Amateurs.

[Half-Virtue, Half-Vice]

Things coming to an end is triggering for me -- so stahp!

[HeteroPatriarch]

OT: Vox gonna Vox.

http://www.vox.com/2016/4/8/11.....taxes-love

An impressive collection of state-fellating fallacies.

[Zunalter]

And you get far more for your someone else's taxes than you do in the US. In Sweden, college is free and students get a housing stipend.

FTFY.

[sloopyinTEXAS]

That fucking retarded-ass "college is free" lie? They always neglect to tell you that college is not available to the overwhelming majority of kids there who are either shepherded into a college track or a trade track at about age 15. Once in this track, you're locked into it for trades.

It's the most disingenuous argument they make.

Also, the "America has a crumbling infrastructure" canard. Bull fucking shit. Besides, we have more miles of roads per capita than those Swedes living in a largely inhospitable peninsula which has pockets of people with large swaths of uninhabited land. In America, that land is occupied by farmers, ranchers, oil fields, etc.

[sarcasmic]

The way I had it explained to me by a German chef I had in cooking school was that someone in authority determines what you will be best at, or what is needed, and you can study that for free. If that happens to be something that requires college, then you go to college for free. Otherwise you're in a trade school. If you don't want to study what authority deems best, you can study something else. But you've got to pay for it yourself.

[kV]

Yep, and that way of thinking is embedded in those societies. I once worked in a lab with a German PI whose mission in life seemingly was to weed out students whom he didn't think were intelligent enough to be in the combined (and 100% free) MD/PhD program (i.e., just send them back to medical school).

[sarcasmic]

By the way, progressives totally love the idea of authority determining what you can study for free. After all, they're authority. They know best.

[Pay up, Palin's Buttplug!]

And if they get their way, it won't just be slots in college? it'll be quotes for sex, race, immigrants, etc., in each program.

[wareagle]

I've always been curious about the infrastructure part. If that's not a problem of govt's own making, then what is? Govt IS the taker of money to be used for infrastructure, and we have 50 state DOT's plus one at the federal level. So if it's crumbling, just what has been going on with all the tax money taken from us?

[Doctor Whom]

That's the reason why a tax referendum to pay for roads failed in Virginia: not because Virginians hate roads, but because no one trusts VDOT to spend wisely.

[wareagle]

Well, good. I'm glad at least one state's voters are asking the question. Any leftist I have put it to just starts sputtering and talking about jerbs and fair shairz and other assorted twaddle.

[sarcasmic]

Here in my state I vote against all bonds as a matter of principle, yet they are always approved.

[Ask Me Abt Waste Fraud & Abuse]

VDOT also allows contractors to extort its "constituents" (and whatever other government body approved the contract). All the people that got $20k bills from the company that runs the EZ Pass in the DC area undoubtedly put some muscle behind that.

[Citizen X]

The interstates around Hampton Roads are so beat up and congested that the DOD declared them a national security threat a few years back - if the Navy needed to deploy rapidly, there's no way all the sailors and Marines in the area could get to their ships in time.

[Citizen X]

But VDOT has had 30 guys working on a 12'x12' patch of I64 in Newport News for the last 20 straight years, so i'm sure they'll get right on that soon.

[Pay up, Palin's Buttplug!]

If the State government neglects maintenance on their roads, taxpayers and the media will put pressure on the Federal government to pay for them allowing the State government to redirect their infrastructure maintenance funds to other worthy causes like hunting for oil on the governor's cousin's ranch.

[Doctor Whom]

Free ferry service to island parkland and city-style public transportation in remote villages are basic human rights, you capitalist oppressor.

[Juvenile Bluster]

Also OT:

The Burr/Feinstein anti-crypto bill has hit the internets, and it's even worse than anyone could have expected.

[Hamster of Doom]

As Jonathan Zdziarski notes, the bill is so ridiculously drafted that doesn't distinguish between encrypted data and deleted data.

....

[wareagle]

But Burr/Feinstein...bipartisanship. That makes it good just because, right?

[Pay up, Palin's Buttplug!]

Bipartisan is code for double taxpayer anal penetration.

[Ask Me Abt Waste Fraud & Abuse]

What the sweet christ? What the hell are Fridays for, if not bad awesome cartoons and the weekly contest?

[Zunalter]

Final contest??!?! My heart, she breaks.

[Bobarian (Would Chip Her)]

I finally placed in the running and you celebrate by ending the contest?

I feel like Brett!

[Annini]

Are you single tonight? A lot of beautiful girls waiting for you to http://goo.gl/X6JhyG

[Free Society]

nsfw you dick

[Roger the Shrubber]

The last contest? Noooooooooo!

[Jinx Ovaltine, Jr.]

I'm just going on as if there's a contest today, and that the topic is something something headlines:

"What's-his-name: Gone But Not Forgotten"

"Drunken Stunt Gone Wrong Occurs in Florida"

"Scientists Predict Doomsday Scenario In Response to Government Grant"

"Jordan Spieth Outduels ISIS"

"Donald Trump and Ted Cruz to Appear on ABCs Wife Swap"

"Critic: Prince's 'Little Red Corvette' None of Those Things"

"Tulpa Found In Bottom of Well"

[Doctor Whom]

"Study Shows that Development Restrictions Lead to Unaffordable Housing and Sprawl; Neigborhood Activists Insist Otherwise"

[Swiss Servator]

"Big and Rich" was very good!

Also "Donald Trump Suspends Campaign after Allegations of Propriety"

I will miss this...

[Dr No]

Thanks for the fun, Lenore. I'll miss this.

[Scalro Humillimus]

So what is the final medal count? Did the USA win?

[R C Dean]

Trump Reveals Well Thought-Out Economic Plan to Repeal O-Care

He actually kinda did, you know. At least, a better plan than anyone else, if memory serves.