Republicans Sour on Election Process, Two Americans Killed in Brussels, Indiana Bans Sex-Selective Abortion: A.M. Links

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  1. There’s a fun new Election 2016 conspiracy brewing…

    Biden versus Romney?

    1. A Ted Cruz-affiliated Super PAC, Keep the Promise I, donated $500,000 to rival Carly Fiorina’s presidential campaign in July 2015.

      Is it so hard to believe that even a Cruz Super PAC would come to prefer anyone but Cruz?

    2. Hello.

    3. Friday Funnies

      Picture if you will a thin and wispy version of Barack Obama. He is attending a memorial service in Belgium. He is wearing a sombrero and taking smiling selfies with Raul Castro. Sitting behind him are the Clintons, who are frustratingly trying to log onto the Obamacare enrollment site to see if Hillary’s anemic campaign is covered. Meanwhile none of them can get back into the US as someone has drawn in chalk “Trump 2016” on all international airport runways which no pilot dares cross. And then the EU tries its own version of Cash 4 Clunkers.

      1. needz moar labels

      2. Since I’m going into withdrawal, what with this being the third Friday in a row with no Funnies, I’m going to give you a big Thumbs Up.

        At least someone is trying!

        Thank you, Sir

        1. Believe it or not, at least two of those three previous Fridays did have Funnies posted retroactively.

        2. All this whinging about no FF’s and yet not one of you heartless bastards has asked if maybe something has happened to Bok. I sure hope he’s okay, now Payne on the other hand can fuck right off.

    4. I don’t see the fun in it.

      Either Cruz is a serial philanderer or he’s being smeared by the National Enquirer. Neither scenario is a real barrel of laughs.

      1. Got your barrel right here player

        http://cruzsexscandal.com/

      2. His wife has the same nose and jaw line. She’s no Melania Trump.

      3. The serial philanderer part sounds like fun.

        1. It will be especially hilarious when Trump takes the oath of office next January.

          1. I’m just trying to make the best of a lousy situation.

      4. Yet more proof that Trump is not a Republican – Cruz is expected to have to defend himself against accusations of being a hypocritical philanderer whereas Trump has Marla Maples and nobody bats an eye because Trump has never suggested that there’s anything wrong with that. You can never accuse a Democrat of being a hypocrite the way you can a Republican because hypocrisy involves violating your own stated principles and Democrats have no principles. Trump is a Democrat.

        1. I saw a bunch of references to the Craigslist ads looking to hire protestors that proved the anti-Trump rallies were utterly phony staged events – but as far as I know nobody has produced an actual Craigslist ad and the original story came out of the Trump camp. Which suggests the whole thing was just made up but it’s now out there as something Trump can point to as a fact and trying to unwind it is a fool’s errand because by the time you unwind it it’s old news and Trump’s moved on to something else. Like “Ted Cruz repeatedly cheated on his wife and paid Carly Fiorina to stay quiet about it.” Everybody’s going to be hustling off following this bouncing ball while Trump’s laughing his ass off because he knows he’s got another ball to throw in his hand and a big bag of balls by his side.

          And nobody realizes this is all a ploy to distract from the real story – I don’t remember if it was People or Us or which magazine it was but I think I remember one of them hinted about a story from back in the ’80’s that Trump hooked up with a gay prostitute one time at a big coke-fueled orgy at Studio 54 and the gay prostitute revealed that Trump only has a 2-inch penis.

  2. The blowback over Donald Trump attacking the appearance of Ted Cruz’ wife, Heidi, continues.

    Blowback? What, did Trump gain another 20,000 supporters?

    1. So, next debate, Trump days something about Cruz’s wife and, before the Secret Service can intervene, Cruz steps over and clocks Trump right in the mouth. Cruz goes on to win the presidency by a landslide.

      1. That would do it.

  3. Smirk of the year award goes to…

    Texas woman pulls in front of ex-boyfriend’s new Rolls Royce, takes out gun and disables luxury car with one shot

    The 23-year-old is accused of driving after her old beau Darrell Jones on a major road in Houston around 3 a.m. Tuesday morning before pulling in front of him and stopping, police told CW39.

    Police say she then opened fire into the grill of his luxury car.

    Jones, a 41-year-old jeweler, was not injured but his engine began leaking oil, forcing him to pull into a hotel parking lot.

    1. “Sir, Rolls do not leak oil” – Rolls Royce ‘service’ rep offical line.

      1. They ooze quality!

      2. My panhead doesn’t leak oil. It marks its spot.

    2. If it says anythung, I married Florida Woman, because Texas Woman is too crazy.

      1. I thought it was because you knocked her up.

        1. That, too.

    3. The 23-year-old is accused
      a 41-year-old jeweler

      He traded her in for a newer model?

  4. Just 30 percent of Republicans and Republican-leaning independents said they feel the presidential election process is working as it should…

    So that many think that an actual Republican should be the Republican nominee?

    1. Trump is a racist Nazi…what could be more Republican?

      1. A Jew supporting racist Nazi.

    2. Just 30 percent of Republicans and Republican-leaning independents said they feel the presidential election process is working as it should

      Assholes.

      The election process is working just as it should; the problem is that the process is the problem. It’s a democratic process and our Founding Fathers feared democracy for a very good reason. The way the system was supposed to operate is that the popular vote was more or less a straw poll and the actual election would be handled by Congress – that’s a republican way of handling things. You’re a stupid greedy selfish bastard so you don’t get to touch the actual levers of power, you only get to elect those who do. Except those people are stupid greedy selfish bastards, too, so they don’t get unfettered access to the levers of power, either. They can, however, elect somebody who maybe gets more access than they do – except that person is probably a stupid greedy selfish bastard so the levers of power are arranged so that some of them counteract some of the others and some of them do nothing at all and some of them give anybody that touches them a swift kick in the ass.

      It’s some sort of insanity to claim that something not producing the outcome you want is somehow “not working” when it’s producing the outcome the design mandates it produce. I can complain all I want that the oven isn’t producing the ice cubes I want even though I have the heat set to 450 but it’s crazy to then claim the oven isn’t working.

      1. tl;dr: Just 30 percent of Republicans and Republican-leaning independents said they feel the presidential election process is working as it should

        Market failure!

        1. I dunno, I thought it was pretty good the first time

      2. And fuck Rancid Priebus.

      3. Primary process isnt part of that design.

        Non-sequitor.

    3. Nothing sours people on democracy faster than having their candidate fail miserably.

  5. Georgia man loses leg after shooting explosive-filled lawn mower

    About 3:50 p.m., David Presley of Monroe shot an old lawn mower loaded with three pounds of Tannerite, according to the Walton County Sheriff’s Office. The lawn mower exploded.

    His neighbor, Lydiah Mays, was inside when it happened.

    “I heard him scream and so I came downstairs and we were all like looking out the front window,” Mays told Channel 2 Action News Thursday.

    Two of Presley’s friends had helped him to a vehicle and had driven him to the bottom of the driveway in the 2200 block of Emmett Doster Road by the time deputies arrived. He was picked up from there and flown to Grady Memorial Hospital. He was missing his left leg.

    1. Deputies receive two to five calls a week related to the explosive.

      “Yeeeee-HAA!”

    2. GEORGIA man, let the record show.

      /Libertarian in the nation’s oldest city.

      1. You live in St Augustine? Nice city.

        1. You gonna let GeorgiaMan beat you? You need to step up your antics

          1. I don’t do that anymore. I retired the mantle to younger, crazier men and women.

          2. Hey, our women are sleeping with dogs — what do we have to do?

            Caveat: Along with our horrible drivers, I think most of the antics attributed to Floridians are actually perpetrated by recent transplants from NY and Michigan.

            1. Hey! /Michigander

    3. “”””I heard him scream and so I came downstairs”””

      So the explosion did not get her attention, only the screams.

      I want to live in that neighborhood.

      1. “If you hear a loud boom and it shakes your home, your windows, and the china in your cabinets rattle around, then there is a good chance one of your neighbors is shooting Tannerite.”

        1. Just another day in Barrio Logan.

      2. I want to live in that neighborhood.

        The West Bank?

    4. It’s a good idea to pick either the lawnmower or tannerite to shoot.

      1. *slap!*

        1. *slap!*

          1. *punch*

    1. It’s like codpiece heaven

      1. AKA just plain heaven? /jesse

    2. so good.

    3. Are there non-awkward ones?

    4. Gotta love that tag line: “Most Depressive Humor Site on the Internet.”

      I also clicked on the awkward Christian album covers article. An album by a ventriloquist? HOW DOES THAT WORK?

      1. I looked through that one too. SO MANY VENTRILOQUIST ALBUMS. I particularly like the one where the guy has a puppet on each hand and he’s trying to turn the pages of a bigass Bible.

        1. a puppet on each hand and he’s trying to turn the pages of a bigass Bible.

          I don’t want to know what he is using to turn the pages. Will. Not. Click.

      2. He’s not actually a ventriloquist, the puppet is just filled with the Holy Spirit.

      3. At least with the Christian album covers it’s mostly just people wearing goofy fashions from the 60s and 70s. With the heavy metal covers, it’s a bunch of guys trying to look hardcore and failing spectacularly.

    5. Please let that be the gayest thing I see today.

      1. I hope you realize you just asked everyone to share very gay things all day long.

        1. Yes!

    6. The one toward the bottom is the Misfats, who do Misfits and Danzig parodies. Pretty funny stuff. “Mother” became “Butter”, “20 eyes” beame “20 pies”, etc.

  6. Trump and Cruz would ramp up public spending

    Donald Trump and Ted Cruz are touting policies that would boost public spending by hundreds of billions of dollars, even as they vow on the campaign trail to slash the size of government, according to new estimates.

    The candidates vying to carry the presidential flag for Republicans ? traditional champions of fiscal conservatism ? would increase spending by even more than Hillary Clinton, said the Committee for a Responsible Federal Budget, an independent group.

    “It’s a bit of a shocker. In this election there are a lot of shocking things,” said Maya MacGuineas, president of the CRFB. “We are talking about an expansion of government by this amount at a time when public debt is already so high.”

    Shocked? Ha.

    1. That was pretty satisfying.

      1. Still not gonna get her indicted.

    2. That was amazing. They need lower quality background music, though.

    3. Jesus fuck. BRB, pricing chemicals.

  7. Men’s body spray sends people fleeing from Seattle church, daycare

    A can of Axe body spray is being blamed for an incident that had the Seattle Fire Department evacuating a University District church and daycare center, and calling in a hazmat team.

    A backpack left in a bathroom was giving off “cough inducing fumes” on March 18, according to the Seattle Police Department. That prompted a call to 911. After responding to the scene, fire crews called in a hazmat team to handle the noxious fumes.

    After the church building was evacuated, and a neighboring daycare, and the surrounding streets were blocked off, the team ventured into the fume-filled bathroom.

    It didn’t take long, however, for the team to identify the source of the offending vapors. The can of Axe body spray was found to be malfunctioning and continuously giving off the fumes.

    1. Use of force would be justified if they find the person who left it there.

      1. “Waterboarding” in Axe?

        1. I wouldn’t wish that on Hitler.

          1. Really. He needs Skin-So-Soft.

      2. Some jerks from school would axe bomb the grocery store I had my first job at. Good lord did that smell terrible.

    2. How were there not legions of Victoria’s Secret models with angel wings converging on the place, then? Are you saying Axe commercials aren’t true?!?

      1. A(xe) is actually a chemical warfare agent designed to induce vomiting.

        1. I received a $38k settlement from the former owner of a home I purchased on a failure to disclose suit. This past weekend, my wife and I found ourselves behind him and his family at the local Target where he was purchasing a large amount of Axe products. I loudly mentioned to my wife how Axe smells like desperation. What kind of middle aged man wears Axe?

      2. Why are you even here? AM Links are for East Coasters ONLY.

        1. He did a shit ton of Adderall last night and hasn’t gone to bed yet.

          1. Adderall?!? Cocaine and PCP, broheim. Adderall has no euphoria. Why would I take it?

            1. No one has ever accused you of sense.

      3. “No, I’m good, I’m in the credits”

    3. I don’t see anything wrong with that type of response to Axe…

    4. body spray sends people fleeing

      Sounds like my morning commute.

      1. While heavily perfumed women are also an issue, at least to my sensitive, Italian schnoz, they cannot hold a candle to the over-Axed. Millennials must be stopped!

        1. I think women have finally foot their foot down on that shit. It used to be *everywhere* but it’s gone down quite a lot knock on wood.

        2. Sometimes I have to wonder what odor they are trying to mask when I run into a heavily perfumed woman.
          I don’t run into the over-Axed too often.

          1. I think it just a gag-inducing combination of scented hair products, body lotion, and perfume.

          2. The over-perfumed ladies in my experience generally fall into two categories.

            Some just are a little… unsophisticated. They think it makes them glamorous, poor loves.

            The others are smokers, often with a preference for oriental perfumes (heavy, lots of chypre etc). Perhaps the smoking has messed with their sense of smell.

    5. I use Mitchum.

      1. You leave Robert Mitchum’s corpse alone, he’s been dead for almost twenty years now.

        1. Rufus uses a straight razer with a strop, the way God intended a man to shave, if he MUST shave at all.

          1. Over a Bic for sure.

            I use baby oil for shaving cream.

              1. I read that 3 years ago and forever changed my ways. My enlightenment must have deprived the evil shaving cream merchants at least $5.

                Anyone have favorite DIY aftershave recipes?

                1. Anyone have favorite DIY aftershave recipes?

                  Gasoline and styrofoam.

                  1. Bay Rum is the only aftershave a man should use.

                    1. I laffed.

                    2. My fave, seriously, is the aftershave cream from L’Occitane. Great stuff in a superdry climate.

              2. shaving cream is a racket!

                While it is great Captain Bowtie manages to shave with just water, I do not believe that would work very well for those of us who are heavily-bearded.

                1. I have a very thick and tough beard and I don’t use any shaving cream. No issues so far and I’ve been shaving cream free for about 3 years now. Taught the boys to shave cream free too.

                  Too show my beard bona fides, I have never been able to get a decent shave from electric shavers because my beard is too heavy. Electric shavers just – barely – get me back to 5 o’clock shadow. My Korean in-laws, though, have bought me countless shavers as presents because they have no clue how shaving works. So I smile thank them and then donate them to goodwill.

                  1. Why do they keep buying you shaving equipment and accessories?

                    I’d have a sit down.

                    1. I think that I am the only person they know who can grow a beard. (They live in a small village in the boonies of Korea) To them I am some giant hairy monster and they think being hairy is something any sane person would want to avoid. When they see me they automatically think shaving gear.

                      My wife says just smile and accept the gift. It is the easier path than to try to explain the intricacies of shaving kits.

            1. “If you don’t mind smelling like peanut butter for two or three days, peanut butter is darn good shaving cream.”

              Barry Goldwater

          2. I’ve thought about buying a straight razor. Anyone doing that? I need more obscure hobbies.

            1. I use a Merkur safety razor, a post-straight razor invention. It’s very nice and the blades are really cheap.
              http://www.amazon.com/Merkur-C…..B002A8JO48

                1. I recommend these blades

                  I’ve used a few types, including Feather which is actually too sharp. For lubricant try mixing some castor oil with coconut and tea tree oil. It’s cheap and effective. Just make sure to regularly swap blades because of the buildup.

                  1. My father used to cut material for suits with those you psycho.

                  2. I’ve tried ye olde safety razors, and got a wicked burn. I’m using the cheap Harry’s refills now.

                    I think its interesting that Big Refill has gone to advertising how long you can use their overpriced product. They must really be hurting from the mail order stuff. Great example of the market working; it pisses me off that I didn’t see the massive opportunity that Harrys and Dollar Shave are making bank on.

                2. and the brush, soap, and classy razor holder.

                  and don’t push the blade hard into your skin
                  http://www.groominglounge.com/…..ged-razors

              1. I used one of those long ago when I shaved. They’re great with a fresh blade, and the blades cost like 10 cents.

            2. I need more obscure hobbies.

              !!!!!!!!

              1. You convinced me. I changed my handle. You won.

                1. I go over-the-top. (That’s right, perverts). If you try it let us know how it works out. I have been tempted, but I do not trust myself.

        1. This a question for Rufus.

          1. That being?

            1. I use Mitchum.

              Not ‘Hai Karate’?

  8. Indiana Gov. Mike Pence signed into a law a measure that requires miscarried fetuses to be cremated…

    Ouch for the Catholics.

    …and prohibits abortion based on a fetus’ sex…

    Learning from China’s example.

    … or disability.

    But that’s the left’s favorite thing to do!

    1. How is any of that enforceable?

      “Hey, I just decided not to have a baby right now. Pure coincidence that tests showed the kid was all fucked up.”

      1. Is FYTW still a legal justification?

    2. Cremated or roasted?

      1. Depends, do you like your fetii rare or well-done?

      2. Not that gummy bear method?

    3. Indiana Gov. Mike Pence signed into a law a measure that requires miscarried fetuses to be cremated…

      Ouch for the Catholics.

      And Jews, right? IIRC, they are not allowed to be cremated.

      1. Correct me if I’m wrong, but don’t those faiths also say “don’t abort the children”?

          1. They’re not allowed to do that, either.

      2. That hasn’t been a Catholic thing for a long time.

        1. I don’t think Catholic prohibitions against cremation have been a thing since like the sixth century.

      3. So, what happens if a woman miscarries into the toilet and flushes it? Off to prison?

    4. That’s REPUBLICAN “Gov. Pence has long been a champion for the unborn and their mothers,” said Mike Fichter, president of Indiana Right to Life. (Same abortion policy as Mohammedan Sharia Law in Nigeria)
      Next thing you know they’ll notice that Ron and Rand also favored coercive bullying of pregnant women and start calling Pence a “libertarian. “

    5. requires miscarried fetuses to be cremated

      That’s actually not unusual, past a certain gestation age. You have to issue a death certificate, which usually means the remains go in the “funeral” track, not the “red bag waste” track.

      Plus, for a lot of parents, there’s real grieving, and a funeral etc. helps with that.

  9. Genetically-Modified Maggots Could Help Wounds Heal Faster

    Scientists at North Carolina State University are bringing an 18th century wound treatment into the 21st century. They’ve genetically modified maggots to secrete a human growth factor to promote healing while they clean people’s wounds.

    For some time, doctors have used the larvae of the green bottle fly, Lucilia sericata, as treatment. The maggots eat dead tissue and leave living tissue alone. The young insects secrete antimicrobial compounds that keep the wound clean. They’re a cheap and effective way to deal with wounds, but not a fast way. Clinical trials have shown that maggots don’t cut down on wound healing time. But these new genetically modified maggots might change that, as described in a new paper in BMC Microbiology.

    I for one welcome our new Maggot Overlords.

    1. Genetically Modified Maggot Overlords. Nice band name.

      1. If they called themselves the Genetically Modified Overlords they could be the GMO’s

        But maybe Monsanto has already trademarked that?

    2. Maggots have been a fairly widely used, if still somewhat unusual, wound care (“debridement”) treatment for quite awhile.

      Like fecal transplants, it works, but people don’t talk about it, because ewww.

  10. Microsoft AI twitter bot goes full-on HNR troll

    While things started off innocently enough, Godwin’s Law?an internet rule dictating that an online discussion will inevitably devolve into fights over Adolf Hitler and the Nazis if left for long enough?eventually took hold. Tay quickly began to spout off racist and xenophobic epithets, largely in response to the people who were tweeting at it?the chatbot, after all, takes its conversational cues from the world wide web.

    1. Dude, there was a reason article on it yesterday.

      1. @UnCivilServant LOL that’s just like your opinion man #whatever

        1. @ Lee G You know who else was Hitler?

          1. Jsut roll with it man, right over the French frontier!

            1. I thought my brother in law was a creep and a weirdo until I learned he was making thousand$ selling Nazi memorabilia on the Internet

    2. SKYNET Watch: so apparently a mere 48 hours of internet exposure is enough to drive an AI to genocide.

  11. The knives came out on cue. “NYT continuing to report on 80 million millennials as if they are one horrible person,” wrote one champion of rigor on Twitter, hoping to telegraph her brave opposition to generalizing. “I’d much rather read a NYT story about ‘millennials’ of color or the working poor or those with no or little college education,” tweeted a socially conscious user at pains to remind her followers of how deeply invested she is in the plight of the underprivileged.

    That comment might be worse than the article itself, although it’s a toss up.

    1. I can’t explain in words how much I hate the term “socially conscious”

      1. I take it as meaning “not actually conscious”

        1. “Reality unconscious”?

      2. Since the modifier “social” generally means “not really” in context, I’m with Lee.

        social justice = not really justice.

        socially conscious = not really conscious.

        Etc.

  12. Is this like the Red Menace or ?

    Feeling G.O.P. Peril, Muslims Try to Get Out Vote

    American Muslims are watching in growing horror as Donald J. Trump and Senator Ted Cruz battle for the Republican presidential nomination, outdoing each other with provocative proposals that have included Muslim registries, immigration bans and fleets of police patrolling their neighborhoods.

    With round tables, summit meetings and news releases falling on deaf ears, national advocacy groups are planning to fend off policies they consider hostile to Muslims with a more proactive strategy: driving up the Muslim vote.

    Organizations like the Council on American-Islamic Relations, known as CAIR, the Islamic Circle of North America and the U.S. Council of Muslim Organizations are encouraging mosques to turn themselves into voter registration centers before the November election so that Muslims can make their voices heard at the polls. Registration drives are expected to ramp up significantly in June, during Ramadan, when attendance at Islamic centers peaks.

    1. If only they were so motivated to do something about the supposed extremists who have “hijacked” the peaceful, true Islam.

      1. Apparently many such people have also been “hijacked”.

    2. A quick question for the muslims out there thinking about voting for Hillary. Of all the major party candidates, which one voted to go to war in Iraq and Afghanistan, as well as pushed the current admin into bombing Libya? Hint, it wasn’t Trump or Cruz.

  13. For every stupid tweet, there is an equal and opposite police reaction

    Talent agency boss, 46, is charged and held in custody accused of inciting racial hatred after allegedly posting a tweet claiming he quizzed a Muslim woman over the Brussels terror attacks

    more

  14. Playboy Enterprises Said to Explore Sale

    When the Playboy Mansion was listed for sale earlier this year, the person said, it prompted potential buyers to begin expressing interest in buying the entire company, and Playboy decided to explore that interest. Those potential buyers are based both in the United States and abroad but none are domestic media companies, the person said. They have not yet met with Playboy, which would be valued at around $500 million.

    Playboy, which was founded by Hugh Hefner in 1953, now makes most of its money from licensing its ubiquitous brand and logo across the world, for bath products, fragrances, clothing, liquor and jewelry among other things. About 40 percent of that business comes from China, though the magazine is not available there.

    Let’s pool our resources and buy it. SugarFree for CEO.

    1. As soon as this internet porn fad is over…

      1. Is James Caan included with purchase?

    2. Wouldn’t that just become a new location for Warty? Warty’s mansion? (instead of Warty’s dungeon?)

      1. WHYCUM WIMMEN NO SHO BOOBS ANYMOR!

    3. There’s not nearly enough disinfectant in the world.

    4. I look fabulous in a smoking jacket, but head writer might be a better fit.

      “10 ways to get hooker vomit out of a flat screen”

      “Drive your woman wild with creepshots of her own cervix”

      “UV Lights: Not just for hotel rooms anymore”

    5. Warty for CEO.

      SugarFree can be in charge of the Letters department when we take over Penthouse.

    6. My god, what an evil, terrible idea. I’m all for it.

      We’ll put the nude pics back in, of course. John and Crusty as talent scouts.

      1. I am generally with John on his taste for women.
        “Fat bottom girls, you make the rocking world go round!”

        1. I am generally with John on his taste for women.

          The Hit and Run John Contingent must be stopped.

          1. The Johntingent is real!

            1. “This business will get out of control. It will get out of control and we’ll be lucky to live through it.”

        2. +1 bicycle seat

        3. I like to think of my taste in women as being sort of a “big tent” type of thing.

          1. As in what they’re wearing?

      2. John and Crusty as talent scouts.

        I hope that is an idea for a sitcom. The two of us traveling the world, trying to convince beautiful women to take their clothes off.

        1. beautiful women

          Cruising Walmart aisles, state fairs, and Lane Bryant outlets all across this great land.

          1. Don’t forget all-you-can-eat buffets; that is where I do my best work.

            1. Have you seen the beauties gathered around the fudge fountain at the Golden Corral?

              1. Nothing says sexy, like a woman on a hoverround!

    7. Just remember that if you’re going to try and rock the whole “pajamas all day” thing that you not go with the “Thundercats” set and the teeny robe with the fake Chinese letter on it.

      1. What about my super friends footie pjs? Those are sexy, right?

  15. prohibits abortion based on a fetus’ sex or disability

    This seems like it will be hard to enforce.

    1. Yes, especially since some differences are not detectable that early. IIRC.

      1. Technology has come a long way. In just about any city of decent size, one can go to a boutique ultrasound clinic and pay for 3-D “baby’s first pictures” and gender identification at 16 weeks for damned cheap.

        The days of maybe finding out the baby’s gender in your third trimester are gone. Who knows what obstetric medicine will be capable of in another ten years. Complete DNA profile at 10 weeks? Why not?

        1. 10 weeks?

          Ours was done pre-implantation.

          Chromosonal testing is a semi-standard part of the IVF process. It was done at 8 days.

  16. Illinois Supreme Court ruling forces city to find new fix for 2 pension funds

    The Illinois Supreme Court dealt Mayor Rahm Emanuel ? and in turn Chicago taxpayers ? a big blow on Thursday when it found unconstitutional a law that aimed to shore up two city pension funds by cutting benefits and requiring workers to pay more toward retirement.

    A group of unions, current workers and retired employees sued in response to the law, noting the 1970 Illinois Constitution states that pension benefits, once granted, “shall not be diminished or impaired.” In a 5-0 ruling, the state’s high court once again agreed with that argument, less than a year after reaching the same conclusion in a separate case covering state pension systems.

    “These modifications to pension benefits unquestionably diminish the value of the retirement annuities the members of (the city workers and laborers funds) were promised when they joined the pension system,” Justice Mary Jane Theis wrote in an opinion released Thursday. “Accordingly, based on the plain language of the act, these annuity reducing provisions contravene the pension protection clause’s absolute prohibition against diminishment of pension benefits, and exceed the General Assembly’s authority.”

    The ghost of MNG nods.

    1. As much as I hate pubsec unions, if the state constitution does indeed state what the court asserts, then the ruling is correct.

      The voters get, what the voters want. Just not how or when they want it.

      1. On the bright side, this should hasten the collapse.

      2. The courts treat ANY change as “unconstitutional” even ones that will only happen to future employees. Eventually they will be bankrupt and the courts can scream all they want. There is no money.

        1. Looking forward to all the “Drop Dead” headlines in the near future.

          1. You mean the ones that say “Drop Dead, Taxpayers. Illinois Pension Funds Bailed Out by Feds”?

    2. Apparently the Illinois constitution is a suicide pact.

    3. “Wait a minute, you mean we have to actually pay for this shit!?”

      / Chicago voters

  17. Politician’s prayer for Belgium on Facebook draws fire

    A metro Detroit politician who posted a prayer for Belgium on his Facebook page in the wake of this week’s terror attacks has drawn the ire of critics, who believe he crossed the line in expressing his religious beliefs on social media.

    The critics, though, were outnumbered by supporters who welcomed his prayerful ways.

    Shelby Township Supervisor Rick Stathakis ? the man at the center of the controversy ? believes he’s done nothing wrong, arguing the right to pray is protected by the Constitution and that the comments in question appeared on his personal Facebook page, not a government one. Next to his Facebook profile picture are the words: Rick Stathakis, Shelby Township Supervisor, Government Official.

    1. drawn the ire of critics, who believe he crossed the line in expressing his religious beliefs on social media.

      Wait, wait, don’t tell me — the ire was expressed on social media, right?

    2. JFC on a Popsicle stick. Obviously I don’t want the majority (or any other) religion to control govt decisions. But this has gotten out of hand. A govt official doesn’t lose their rights just because they are elected or appointed to office. Obviously they are restricted in their official capacity for the sake of the rights of everyone else. But he can damn well say something like this on his personal FB page, just like if on his day off he went out and said the same thing on the town square.

      1. Don’t pray. Don’t insult or arrest Muslims. Don’t be Belgian. Don’t do this, don’t do that.

        Dark. Age.

        1. Well, if we are hitting a new “dark age”, I will fit right in:
          “Do you have a moment for me to talk to you about the Allfather? And the God of Thunder?” If they say no, I will go all berserker on them.

          See, things really are looking up! 🙂

          1. It doesn’t matter which pantheon you’re dealing with, all Thunder Gods are assholes.
            /dives for Faraday cage.

    3. Oooh, goody, are we back to prayer-shaming people? Just in time for Easter, too!

      1. Yeah, looks like they this one is going to go away. Fucking bastards.

  18. #TedCruzSexScandal is trending this morning. That’s an easy to dismiss. Just have your spox ask the press if they think they could really find 6 women willing to sleep with him.

    1. Since this is everyone’s immediate response, has the Donald finally made an error?

      1. The astounding thing is that one of them is Katrina Pierson. I don’t even know what angle you play off that if you’re Trump.

        1. Oh Lordy – that is too damn funny. I am going to raise a glass tonight in honor of this epic trolling, or astounding reality!

        2. To be fair, I actually would lose whatever tiny amount of respect I have for Cruz if that were true.

          1. To be fair, I actually would lose whatever tiny amount of respect I have for Cruz if that were NOT true.

        3. *Googles Katrina Pierson*

          Dang. Respect, Ted.

      2. OK, that is a good one!

        I think we need Sugarfree to write up a “Downfall” scene with the hat and the hair breaking it to the Donald….just in case.

      3. OMG and one of them is supposed to be Katrina Pierson? hahahhahhahamazing

      4. Even if Trump made an error, Ted Cruz’s biggest obstacle is that he is Ted Cruz.

        1. His second-biggest is his campaign style, and his third is his face.

  19. Kind of surprised to see a dog-killing story in the NY Post this morning. How’d that get through?

      1. I had an acquaintance who was into those kinds of vids. He always wanted to share them with everyone for some reason. Frikkin’ weirdo.

      2. go on…

        (or not)

        1. If that’s what you’re into then check out my stash…

          1. I did, it was just a bunch of skinks sunning themselves on rocks. There’s a port for every boat, i guess.

    1. There was great video and the thing was actually wagging its tail as it was shot?

    2. You know what? I’m not going to click on that link. It’s Friday, I’m the only person in the office. I’ve got fuck-all to do but fiddle around with a node project, plan which bars I’m going to shut down while I’m in Nashville next week, and contemplate the upcoming happy hour. My nuts are sore enough from the Maryland loss last night.

    3. And nothing about that cop’s body language said “I’m in fear of my life.”

      Scum. Swear to god, if one of these goons gunned down one of my dogs in front of me, I don’t know what I’d do.

  20. DIRTY POLITICS!
    SHOCKING CLAIMS: Pervy Ted Cruz Caught Cheating ? With 5 Secret Mistresses!
    The romps that could destroy his presidential campaign!

    http://www.nationalenquirer.co…..ng-claims/

    They were right about John Edwards, iirc.

    1. Hey Weigs, as a Soros butt boy, did you take his pledge to get arrested in those planned riots in Washington?

    2. John Edwards was also an ambulance chaser….

      To me Cruz becomes more electable if he’s diddling 5 mistresses, it takes away the thought that he’s a full blown true believer born-again Jesus warrior.

    3. Did you ever pay your bet?

      1. He claimed to – then Playa checked with Welch and it had not happened. So, another lie…

        1. Nobody welshes Welch!

    4. We don’t forget about unpaid bets. We will remind you forever more.

    5. How’s it going, Palin’s Buttplug?

  21. I hope everyone has a wonderful Easter. And please, remember the reason for the season!
    That would be the goddess of spring Oestera, fertility, rebirth etc. So go find some colored eggs, and fuck like rabbits!!

    1. Thanks for the kind wishes, but do I have to fuck the colored eggs?

      1. I can’t tell if that’s Irish-level racism or just a masturbation euphemism.

        1. why can’t it be both?

          1. True. We do live in an age of marvels.

      2. As both a libertarian and a libertine, knock yourself out!

        1. The accepted technique for auto-asphixiation involves a rope, not a brick.

    2. Is that what that’s all about? I learned something new today (and from the Reason commentariat of all places).

      1. 98% of my knowledge comes from H&R posts. This is why I’m a cruel and twisted individual.

    3. As I have explained to the kids, Easter is about Jesus. He was crucified and laid in the tomb and on the third day He arose from the dead and emerged from the tomb, saw His shadow and we had six more weeks of winter.

      1. All I can see is Bill Murray walking around with Puxatawny Phil saying “We are the way!”

      2. And please, remember the reason for the season!

        Jesus was the baby born after God raped a virgin, except Jesus is also God, except Jesus also just a normal man. Jesus once pretended to be dead for three days to trick himself into letting everyone out of Hell, a ruse that worked even though he knew about the trick in advance. This trick was necessary because he’s so pissed off about the time 6,000 years ago that two people got tricked into eating an apple by a talking snake, which he also always knew was going to happen, but did nothing to prevent even though he deliberately made those people with no ability to tell right from wrong.

        1. ^ Easter as explained by the ghost of Sir Terry Pratchett.

        2. Dang, when you put it that way, it sounds like an Anime plot.

      3. Saint Punxetauney Phil

    4. I saw that on FB but there doesn’t seem to be much evidence it’s true.

      1. Eh, wait until the indignant denial. That’s the time to show your hand if you’re the Enquirer.

        I’m betting on the Enquirer here.

  22. Lost emails from Clinton server discovered

    “So now we know that, contrary to her statement under oath suggesting otherwise, Hillary Clinton did not turn over all her government emails,” he said in a statement. “We also know why Hillary Clinton falsely suggests she didn’t use clintonemail.com account prior to March, 18, 2009 ? because she didn’t want Americans to know about her February 13, 2009, email that shows that she knew her Blackberry and email use was not secure.”

    She is going down.

    TW: Auto audio start

    1. The chain of emails began on an earlier email system that Clinton used while serving in the Senate, but was reportedly transferred on to the clintonemail.com server.

      How damnably stupid do you have to be to do this?

    2. She is going down.

      Well, there’s an image that will haunt my uneasy dreams

      1. I think you just lit the SF signal. Let’s hope he’s distracted elsewhere.

      2. *nods, clutching stomach*

      3. “invisible furry hand awoke from a night of uneasy dreams to find that she had been transformed into Hillary Clinton’s hyenic pseudo-penis.”

        1. Incapable of human speech, apart from “Let’s fuck! I’ll fuck anything that moves!”

          1. I am your guide to the world of science!

          2. …but…if the, well, lady hyena has an…um…outie…how do they…you know?

            1. The pseudo-penis is traversed to its tip by a central urogenital canal, through which the female urinates, copulates and gives birth.

              Sounds unpleasant.

            2. I believe the term is “sounding”.

        2. Incapable of human speech, apart from “Let’s fuck! I’ll fuck anything that moves!”

          1. The squirrels are into that.

    3. What do you think for Clinton’s IT guy who got immunity? Plane crash or just found in the park with a suicide note pinned to his shirt in someone else’s handwriting?

      1. If I were in her secret service detail, I’d be sweating bullets;

        She’s more useful dead than alive to a lot of people at this point.

        1. Given how shit she treats them, I’ve been wondering how they’d act when the FBI come ’round to perp walk her.

          1. She’ll be indicted. She won’t be arrested. They’ll just issue a summons to the arraignment.

            1. I know.

              I just have this vision of the Secret service agents standing aside as a couple of FBI guys handcuff her and march her off the stage at a campaign event…

              1. ? to raucous chants of “Hillary! Hillary!”

              2. Does she get a secret service detail in jail? 🙂

                1. She’d get house arrest if anything. No way they’d toss her even in white collar fed prison.

          2. They’ll shrug and then go back to Googling escort services?

            1. Claw clap

              Nice side arm zinger

    4. She’s not going anywhere but up, up, UP!

      1. And why is it a ‘conservative watch dog’ finding this out? I thought the FBI was investigating her? What are the bums good for?

        1. Excellent question.

    5. I was discussing the Clinton emails with my mom the yesterday. She a democrat party volunteer (phone banks, designs websites, and generally helps the over sixty candidates function in the modern world). She was absolutely shocked when I suggested that the FBI already had a case, but was most likely concerned that the DOJ wouldn’t prosecute. She was convinced that the DOJ would have to prosecute if the facts were there or they’d get fried (no mention of who would do such frying or how said frying would occur). It was an enlightening conversation on how the Dems boots on the ground folks actually view this case. They seem to truly believe in the system in this situation. If the DOJ isn’t prosecuting a case it must be because their is no case to prosecute. It’s like they live in a bubble where they’ve never heard of the Clinton Political Machine and what it does to people who cross them.

  23. OT: I’m in hell! Trying to finish my 2015 expenses sheet so I can file my taxes. . .. Augh!!

    1. Vote for Cruz! Next year you’ll file your taxes on a postcard!

      1. Which you then mail to an empty building, if I correctly understand his plan to abolish the IRS.

    2. You know who else had problems filing their taxes…

      1. Me – the damn tax software wouldn’t show me the $0 fake 1099-MISC so I could delete it, but wanted me to provide an Employer ID for it.

      2. Me…. 5 w-2s plus 1099 miscs, etc….

      3. Me… When the State of Ohio made me resubmit my return (because they apparently lost it), made me file again, then charged me a $700 fine for late filing.

    3. Stop storing your receipts in random shoeboxes.

      1. Lol, as if! I used a file folder that goes from newest to oldest . . . .anyway, let me stop laughing here long enough to say that this time of year fills me with holy resolutions to never do things this way again.

        1. Of course! The missing receipts are under the driver’s seat. They are always under the driver’s seat.

  24. Ted Cruz Sex Scandal Could End Cruz’s Campaign, Ensuring a Trump Victory
    An expose accusing Ted Cruz of having multiple affairs has now been confirmed by at least two other sources. The original source of the story, the National Enquirer, caused some to question it. While skepticism of all media is appropriate, the National Enquirer has previously broken affairs involving high-profile politicians, including former presidential candidate John Edwards.

    The National Enquirer accused Ted Cruz of having an affair with five women….

    1. …The unexplained manner in which Carly Fiorina got her hands on half a million dollars of another candidate’s money this summer has now graduated from being an internet curiosity to becoming a legal matter, as the Federal Election Commission has begun an inquiry into where the money really came from and why. It’s the latest scandal to surface in the Fiorina camp after her rise in the polls began this month, and this one may go beyond a mere problem of perception….

      1. No one here cares unless he had been a Democrat. Then its “scumbag cheater!” ad nauseum.

        It is all about TEAM! you know.

        1. I think you are confused. This is ReasonH&R, not National Review or the 700 club.

          1. It’s not confused. It’s trying to get responses.

            And like those idiots trianing MS’s chatbot to spout nazi slogans, you’re training it to produce more agitprop by responding to it.

        2. Your lack of self-awareness truly knows no bounds.

      2. got her hands on half a million dollars of another candidate’s money

        It was a PAC’s money. They can give it to whoever they want.

        Now, why Carly? The answer to that could be illegal coordination with the Cruz campaign. Why else would they give money, and a lot of it, raised for Cruz to someone else? Laying in a foundation for Fiorina as VP, maybe?

  25. The idea that iCarly, who’s worth $60 million, would accept hush money seems really far-fetched. Being accused of blackmail is a lot worse for her than $500,000 is worth, and besides, if she could exploit that kind of information, it would be to get herself on Cruz’s ticket if he wins. It wouldn’t be to get her campaign more cash.

    The most likely explanation is that it behooved the Cruz campaign to have Carly’s campaign attack Trump through advertising in some state they couldn’t afford to run on their own.

    Also, if Cruz is having affairs with five different women, paying $500,000 isn’t about to fix the problem. All of those women are going to talk whether they themselves hace been paid hush money not to talk. Talking about stuff like that is what women do.

    They talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk and talk.

    1. Yeah! Women be talkin’, amrite?

      1. And shoppin’!

        1. Word! ::Fist-bumps Citizen X::

        2. No, this isn’t like stereotypical shopping.

          Women keep secrets about sleeping with men they’re ashamed of sleeping with.

          The idea that five women are going to keep it secret that they’re sleeping with a contender is simply implausible. It brings the plausibility of the whole story into question. You paid Fiorina 500 grand to shut up about something that’s bound to come out if true anyway?

          Monica Lewinsky told her mother–her mother–that she was blowing the President.

          Women do not shut up about that kind of thing. And the women they confide in talk about it, too. Cross culture, throughout time, women talk about that. You cannot stop them.

          So color me skeptical about the whole story. It doesn’t ring true.

          1. How many woman was Tiger banging? Dozens. And none of them broke the story.

            1. If none of them talked, then how did the National Enquirer find out about the first story?

              Tiger didn’t tell them.

              1. It broke after him and his wife had a fight that resulted in an auto accident and police involvement. But it had been going on for years.

                Reporters,are starting to say that they had heard rumors of him havin affairs and at least one outlet had a story about it that their management kept from being published.

                1. “It broke after him and his wife had a fight that resulted in an auto accident and police involvement.

                  The fight happened after the National Enquirer published the story about him having the affair with the nightclub owner.

                  She went off because of the story that the National Enquirer published.

            2. Tiger wasn’t someone the press desired to take down, though. Sure none of them would have turned the story down if one of the women had shown up in their office, but they didn’t have whole corps of journalists and opposite party research teams digging for any dirt possible dedicated to Tiger. Politicians on the presidential race level have a lot more people interviewing everyone they ever spent any time alone with than the average celebrity.

              1. Plus most of the women involved were women who kept wanting to bang rich, famous dudes and the dudes wanted to keep it secret from wives, significant others, etc. Tiger fucked up by getting some secret sex from a woman who wanted to be famous herself. As soon as the first one went public the rest started to; it was a first mover problem.

      2. There is no force in the universe strong enough to stop five women who are sleeping with a presidential candidate–during a campaign–from talking about it.

        God couldn’t make a three sided square, and I’n not sure he could make women stop talking about something like that either.

        You can pay women to go away, but you can never make them stop talking.

      3. He has a point, the only reason Monica Lewinsky banging Bill became public knowledge was because she couldn’t keep her mouth shut.

        1. Yeah, some things are stereotypical.

          Other things are universal.

          Men tend to get angry when their wives sleep with other men.

          I don’t think that’s stereotypical. I think that’s generally universal. Maybe there are a few exceptions. But show me five different guys and assume that none of them will get angry if you sleep with their wives because that’s stereotyping, and I’m gonna say that’s crazy.

          Likewise with five different women keeping quiet about sleeping with a Presidential candidate during a campaign. The idea that women are going to talk about that isn’t stereotypical. Cross culturally, throughout time, women talk about that. Maybe there’s an exception–but all five are gonna keep quiet?

          It doesn’t work that way. Sleep with a woman in the office, and there’s a good chance everyone in the office will find out. Sleep with two women in the office, and the chance that everyone finds out probably starts to approach 100%. In fact, the woman involved may be hurt to realize you don’t want anyone to know.

          1. Actually, the sexist thing would be to assume that women shut up just because you tell them to.

  26. The Washingtonian writes an article called ‘In Defense of Washington,’ manages to inadvertently prove why everyone hates Washington.

    “13 things to say to those flyover state hayseeds who never stop bashing Washington. http://www.washingtonian.com/2…..ashing-dc/ ? ”

    ^ This is the tweet they sent out and they wonder why Washington has a bad reputation.

    1. 1. Give Us Your Money

      2. Give Us Your Money

      3. Give Us Your Money

      4…

    2. If the rest sucks so bad, start a succession movement.

      1. …In fact, that view of Washington is unlearned, impoverished, and un-American. Because the sad truth is this: Washington is not out of touch enough…

        …In the ’90s, Trent Lott led a GOP Caucus that railed against DC. Now safely retired, he’s still here….

        1. …So ignore, for a minute, the folks who make law on Capitol Hill. They come and go. Instead, consider mandarin Washington, the permanent denizens of the think tanks and interest groups, consulting shops and law firms. There are charlatans in all of those locales, of course. But they’re exceptions. This city attracts idealists more than any other place. And over their career, these idealists can become experts. They come to understand how systems work, how problems can be solved….

    3. ugh. that entire article was an example of why people hate washington, case and point:

      The Charge: Social life in Washington is organized around partisan warfare. The Defense: All of these people are actually friends. Read more?

      1. good god:

        The Charge: We’re obsessed with power and position. The Defense: Maybe?but at least we’re not obsessed with money.
        You know the stereotypes: New York’s about finance. LA is fame. In San Francisco, it’s “disruption.” And here in our nation’s capital, you matter only if you’re powerful.
        Like any other trope, there’s some truth to it. Just flip through the society pages to find boldface names preceded by Honorable, Ambassador, Representative, or Senator. There isn’t a single night, I imagine, when Valerie Jarrett has trouble scoring a dinner-party invitation. Read More?

        1. The Charge: We’re obsessed with power and position. The Defense: Maybe?but at least we’re not obsessed with money.

          Because obsession with power and status is noble and virtuous, but those people that are obsessed with money earned from creating value, those greedy fat cats need to be knocked down a peg.

          1. The Charge: We’re obsessed with power and position. The Defense: Maybe?but at least we’re not obsessed with money.

            What in the fuck does the author think a money obsession is about? It’s about power. It’s always about power. They don’t need money because they can steal it at will or lacking money, they can just enforce obedience with naked displays of authoritarianism.

            What an asshole.

        2. Name me one politician who came out of Washington poorer than when they went in. Hell if people in Washington aren’t obsessed with money, then why are some of the richest cities in the country Washington suburbs?

        3. “The Defense: Maybe?but at least we’re not obsessed with money.”

          This explains why DC is one of the richest places in America (unless you’re one of the poor black people on the outskirts of town where you have to deal with massive amounts of crime and poverty which the political class in their Romanesque buildings refuse to deal with because it doesn’t impact their rich asses).

          The DC corridor has the greatest concentration of wealth of anywhere in this country and they want to tell me they don’t care about money.

        4. So, Jarrett is obsessed with power and position, which gives her free dinners; but she’s not obsessed with money.

    4. The package that follows began as an effort to take a skeptical look at the shopworn slams on Washington. What we wound up with, though, was more than a series of rebuttals by thoughtful locals. It turned into a celebration of our city, a place where sharp-elbowed operatives can actually be friends, where bureaucratic nobodies do tremendous things?and forgo much bigger paychecks?for the public they serve, where even devoted partisans proffering extreme policies base their arguments on the good of the country.

      1. what a pack of lies, I fucking know some of these bureaucratic nobodies and they neither do tremendous things or forgo much bigger paychecks for the public they loathe.

      2. I made it through the first four items, and I kept thinking this piece HAD to be satire. Neither Mark Steyn nor P.j. O’Rourke could have done a better job of displaying the problems with DC.

        Not only that, but who is arguing about culture? The reason people say they hate Washington has nothing to do with trends in fashion or art.

        1. People who live in Washington and are rich, connected insiders care about fashion and art, so they assume that’s the same thing the rubes in flyover country are criticizing them for since they’ve never actually met any rubes in flyover country.

      3. The “bureaucratic nobodies” don’t do tremendous things but they all believe they are working on the most important thing in the world. Jesus F. Christ, that article pretty much sums up everything I hate about this city.

        1. Speaking from experience, “Bureaucratic Nobodies” only drag themselves to work for the paycheck. (If they can get the paycheck without dragging themselves in, they will)

          1. +1 tele-comuter.

      4. *vomit*

        I lived in the DC area for a few years and I was always disgusted by the contempt Washington DC (city) residents loathed everyone else, from the “fucking tourists” who wouldn’t stand on the right side of the metro escalator (which of course barely ever work thanks to metro incompetence and corruption) to even the people who lived on the wrong side of the potomac (“You live in Virginia?! Gross! That’s so far away.”).

        1. That’s not quite true. They don’t hate, but merely are completely oblivious to the 2/3 or so of the population that lives outside of NW, in some of the worst crime and poverty in the country, and seemingly only exist to serve them coffee and clean their offices.

    5. It turned into a celebration of our city, a place where sharp-elbowed operatives can actually be friends,(two faced cronyism) where bureaucratic nobodies do tremendous things (like destroying the livelihoods of “hayseeds in flyover country”) ?and forgo much bigger paychecks (for under-the-table paychecks and insider information, that’s illegal for everyone else to have) ?for the public they serve (extort), where even devoted partisans proffering extreme policies base their arguments on the good of the country (and of course what is always good for the country is ceaselessly expanding federal power)

    6. That article includes this little nugget:

      But those abstractions?that out-of-touchness, if you will?are the very things that help our technocrats rise above parochialism. They don’t worry about the effects of policies on their neighbor or on the business around the corner. Sure, our wonks have a point of view, an ideology even. But they cast their arguments in terms of the national interest, and they mean it. If Washington were allowed to make policy?without the heartland and its parochialism getting in the way?we might actually fix this place.

      Holy Fuck.

      1. That is a pretty scary line of thought.

        1. I keep seeing this issue of the Washington Examiner every time I go grocery shopping. Makes me want to puke.

      2. “We don’t see the negative consequences of our stupidity – so let us regulate as autocrats from darkness and ignorance, PEASANT!”

        1. Stop complaining about our distance and cluelessness and let us create your utopia, damn it!

          1. You flyover douchebags just don’t know what’s good for you.

            But we’re gonna give it to ya; good and hard.

      3. Fucking elitist authoritarian wannabes.

      4. So Todd Beamer is not a hero, but a villain.

    7. Wow, damn, I’d say this guy needs to go visit some other locations, but I’m afraid his sense of smug would be impenetrable and he’d just come home more certain of his cliques superiority.

  27. Detroit’s new rail line gets a name.

    I posted this in the PM lynx, but will drop again here. The funniest line from the article:

    Two tweets from Quicken Loans teased the announcement early Thursday, which has been planned for a social media push for weeks, saying “Detroit’s modern streetcar is expected to ignite over $3 billion in economic development.

    Yes. From three miles of train track that no one wants and doesn’t go anywhere.

    1. They should just officially put Dan Gilbert in charge of downtown Detroit.

      1. The Illitch family may have some issues with that.

    2. The operative word is “ignite”. Somebody’ll probably burn down the whole fucking city.

      1. $3 billion in economic development

        In the form of insurance claims?

    3. Detroit is an exemplary form of efficient spending compared to here in dc which just built a 2.2 mile system for over 200 million.

      1. That was the line that’s heading out to the other airport, right? At least that makes sense. D.C.’s metro is meant to get tourists and protesters into the city and back out again. Having it go to both major airports in the area is a good idea even if those lines will only be busy when a couple million people descend on the mall to wave signs. They’ve got a pretty good argument that it is an actual public service to make it easier for people yell at their elected officials.

  28. The blowback over Donald Trump attacking the appearance of Ted Cruz’ wife, Heidi, continues.

    Where was the blowback from the Cruz campaign starting this whole “wives” shitshow?

    1. You mean the unaffiliated super PAC it would be illegal for the Cruz campaign to coordinate with?

      1. Trump said it, Free Society believes it, and everyone else is wrong. That’s how blind devotion works, bleeder.

      2. Yeah some “unaffiliated super PAC”, just some randoms doing random shit, no indignation to be cast on the Cruz campaign, because their target was the repellent Trump.

        1. Hey, when you’re down there sucking Trump’s dick, you ever pay attention see if his cunt hair is a combover too?

          1. Top notch wit, troll. Save that post, so you can always look back upon your best work and know that you mattered.

            1. Hey Captain Insecurity, you still projecting “mattering” on other people? That’s adorable.

            2. So you just keep your eyes closed? Or is it like a turtleshell down there?

        2. They’re not randoms doing random shit. It’s pretty easy to find out who they are, and they’re doing anti-Trump shit.

          That doesn’t make the Cruz campaign responsible, despite what daddy tweeted last night.

          1. They’re not randoms doing random shit. It’s pretty easy to find out who they are, and they’re doing anti-Trump shit.

            WHOOOOOOOOSH

            That doesn’t make the Cruz campaign responsible, despite what daddy tweeted last night.

            But when Trump supporters do something stupid and tasteless, it’s “unique to Trump” and the blame is to be laid at his feet.

            1. And there go the goalposts.

              You are 100% factually wrong. That is obvious. You know you’re wrong.

            2. WHOOOOOOOOSH

              Right back at you. You’re implying they have something to do with Cruz by sarcastically referring to them as “randoms” as if people arguing they’re not affiliated with Cruz need to hide who they are.

              But when Trump supporters do something stupid and tasteless, it’s “unique to Trump” and the blame is to be laid at his feet.

              You do know things like this don’t actually support your original contention? But that’s fine, it’s not like you’re implying people are committing federal crimes and then backing that up with “the media is mean to Trump too!” as if that matters.

              1. The fact that Trump has repeatedly jumped right out in front with any contentious shit almost immediately kind of kills the ‘But when Trump supporters do something stupid and tasteless’ argument.

                Unless your point was that Trump Supporters can’t do anything stupid and tasteless, because Daddy always manages to one-up them.

    2. No kidding.

    3. The Cruz campaign didn’t start it since this shitshow began when a random PAC with no connection to the Cruz campaign criticized Trump’s wife.

      1. They criticized her for being insanely hot. I don’t get how this hurt Trump’s feelings.

      2. no connection to the Cruz campaign

        Maybe. I don’t think the dude in the ponytail that punched out some BLM interloper had any direct connection to the Trump campaign, but nonetheless Trump is considered responsible, as thought he’s orchestrated a legion of brownshirts.

        I don’t think that picture of Melania was much to get upset about and Trump should have let it go, but let’s not pretend that Trump is the one that initially brought anyone’s wives into this. At least grant that while you (rightly) give him shit for bringing up Cruz’s wife.

      3. this shitshow began when a random PAC with no connection to the Cruz campaign

        I think that’s the issue: were they coordinating? Which is illegal, under our stupid campaign finance laws.

    4. Melanoma is a liability with social conservatives. Who knew?

      She’s a trophy wife Trump picked up by way of the Trump Modeling Agency he owns.

      Trump blew it by making a big deal about it. He should have just let it roll off his back, like accusations that he condones the KKK.

      Now Melanoma is a bigger liability than she was before.

        1. No, I made it up myself!

  29. Woman who faked being a lawyer for nearly a decade was in line to be named partner when her fraud was discovered:

    Kitchen handled estate planning for more than 30 clients ‘despite never having attended law school, nor being admitted to the bar of the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania,’ the attorney general said in a statement.
    Kitchen was, however, the past president of the Huntingdon County Bar Association, said her attorney, Caroline Roberto.
    ‘She’s an incredibly competent person and she worked very diligently and was devoted to the people she served in the community,’ Roberto said.
    ‘There are things about the charges we don’t agree with so we’re going to be fighting some of the charges,’ Roberto said, though she wouldn’t be specific.
    But Christopher Wencker, the current president of the county bar association, said he doesn’t think the charges are severe enough.
    ‘For a decade of that kind of behavior, those kind of charges are insufficient and don’t represent the depth or level of betrayal that was shown,’ Wencker said.
    The forgery charge is a first-degree misdemeanor punishable by up to five years in prison; the unauthorized practice charge is a third-degree misdemeanor, carrying up to a year in jail.

    The guy quoted is just butthurt that you don’t need to be properly credentialed to good at your job.

    1. She probably figured that if Sonia Sotomayor could fake it all the way to the Supreme Court, why not?

    2. It’s stories like this that make me regret not starting my own religion.

    3. Bar associations exist for the same purpose that a medieval guild would exist, to restrict competition and drive up wages of the members, to the exclusion and detriment of everyone else.

    4. A woman named Kitchen? PATRIARCHY!

    5. I don’t see why she shouldn’t be permitted to keep doing her job and be made a partner, since she clearly did it well.

    6. So she’ll be enrolling at Greendale in the fall? Jeff Winger can give her a few pointers.

      Jeff: Uh, I am in a bit of a jam. The state Bar has suspended my license. They found out my college degree was less than legitimate.

      Duncan: I thought you had a Bachelor’s from Columbia?

      Jeff: And now I have to get one from America. And it can’t be an e-mail attachment.

    7. Lysander Spooner approves.

    8. Any reasonably intelligent person capable of doing Google searches and constructing an argument can be a lawyer. The degree and licensing system is one of the biggest scams out there.

    9. All the criticisms of the guild are true, but . . .

      She lied and committed fraud for 10 years. There ought to be a price to pay for that.

    10. Why not just let her take the bar? I can understand tossing her out of your firm because what else might she have been lying about. But she apparently is competent. Might as well make it official.

      1. Depends on state law. In New York, people without a law school degree are forbidden to take the bar exam.

        1. I don’t know if Penn has that requirement though

  30. The Coming Middle-Class Anarchy
    …What’s really important is Brian and Ilsa: What’s really important is that law-abiding middle-class citizens are deciding that playing by the rules is nothing but a sucker’s game.

    Just like the poker player who’s been fleeced by all the other players, and gets one mean attitude once he finally wakes up to the con? I’m betting that more and more of the solid American middle-class will begin saying what Brian and Ilsa said: Fuckit.

    Fuck the rules. Fuck playing the game the banksters want you to play. Fuck being the good citizen. Fuck filling out every form, fuck paying every tax. Fuck the government, fuck the banks who own them. Fuck the free-loaders, living rent-free while we pay. Fuck the legal process, a game which only works if you’ve got the money to pay for the parasite lawyers. Fuck being a chump. Fuck being a stooge. Fuck trying to do the right thing ? what good does that get you? What good is coming your way?

    Fuckit.

    When the backbone of a country starts thinking that laws and rules are not worth following, it’s just a hop, skip and a jump to anarchy….

    1. Wall Space! get yer wall space! Group discounts, walkin freezer provided. Ammo is extra, shirt and shoes required

    2. That was written five and a half years ago, and as we know, the middle class anarchy never really came. Two years later, Block Yomomma would get reelected, and soon unindicted felon Hillary Clinton is coming.

      1. Every time you say “Block Yomomma”, a retard gets its wings. It’s amazing stuff. I really don’t see how you’re going to top that level of stupidity any time soon.

        1. I thought you didn’t comment on the morning links, mr “it’s too de jeune”

          1. I’m unpredictable, dude. Just ask your mom.

            1. They have treatments for premature ejaculation now, Epi. Next time you might even make it to her house first.

              1. But she likes surprises!

                1. “Hey baby, i’m here, and i need to wash my pants. No, let’s just cuddle.”

                  1. Like Batman, Episiarch doesn’t cuddle.

          2. He and Warty must have decided to skip the gay butt sex this morning.

            1. This is the high quality material we expect from you, Mike. Thanks for delivering.

              And Warty had to leave early, so that’s why we skipped it.

              1. When I am being intimate with a man I prefer the non-gay buttsex.

                1. I bet you don’t even have the courtesy to give him the benefit of a reacharound, either.

                2. It’s only gay if you enjoy it.

                  1. NOBODY has a good time when Crusty is involved.

        2. Shut up, I Pee ‘Tard Starch!

        3. Block yomomma
          Block yomomma
          Block yomomma
          Block yomomma
          Block yomomma

          Did you get your wings yet, Epi?

          1. Look, Mike! Like the 4th or 5th dumbest dumbass on the board is on your side!

            1. There is also a Mike M. contingent? Good God…

              1. SIV and Acosmist will be along soon as back up.

                1. I can’t possibly be that lucky today. Should I play the lottery?

          2. I couldn’t have asked for more than this today. It’s like Christmas morning, except there are extra chromosomes in my stocking.

        4. Every time you say “Block Yomomma”, a retard gets its wings.

          Yup.

          Its down there with calling Trump’s wife a cancer.

          1. Who gives a shit what her sign is anyway?

      2. Dude, you can’t go from “Block Yomomma” to just “Hillary Clinton.” Are you really out of crappy nickname ideas?

        Killary Spit-On. Shrillary Cuntin’. It’s not hard.

        1. Look, X, you can’t possibly come up with anything as stupid as Mike, so don’t try. Just let nature take its course. The stupid will flow.

          1. How can he not have a shitty nickname for Hillary fucking Clinton, though? It’s not like she’s a fresh face on the power scene. I’m so disappointed in Mike, which shouldn’t be more possible.

            1. You don’t badmouth somone carrying a snuke, dude.

              Did you not learn the lesson of Raven in Snowcrash?

              1. Always check for a dentata?

          2. I don’t expect it to flow.

            It’s more like the dry monstrous turd expelled by someone with constipation rather than the free flow of diarrhea.

            1. That’s the kind of strain that caused Elvis to stroke out and die.

      3. Block Yomomma

        I assume everything you say is utter bullshit because of this.

        1. I take it as an Andy Kaufman type joke where only Andy gets it and then dies.

          1. OMG GENIUS

        2. Mike M/Domestic Dissident is one of our worst commenters, and that is really saying something.

          1. Shut up, Zitcretin Blecks!

            1. Oh look at this, BoogerTree thinks he is a funny guy.

              1. Shut up, Musty Buggerer!

                1. Shut up, Musty Buggerer!

                  You do realize you just complimented him.

                  1. It is hard to shame a shameless man, Pee.

            2. You’re not the boss of me, BoogerPee!

              1. Visible Sticky Foot!

                1. The correct insult for NutraSweet is…NutraSweet. Or possibly Captain Retardo.

                  1. Major Retardo, fuckpants! I got promoted by your Mom.

                    1. One day, NutraSweet hopes to be General Retardo. Or even Major General Retardo. He can’t be Admiral Retardo because he’s in the retard army and not the retard navy, like tarran.

                    2. I thought SF was Eugene?

                      As in-

                      “Congratulations Eugene, you leveled up today!

                      You can bite a dick with the best of em!”

                    3. No, no, no. Fist is Eugene, SugarFree is diabetic, and everybody else is Tulpa.

                    4. Getting my memes cornfused.

    3. Anarchy thy name be Trump.

      1. That’s probably a little bit too optimistic.

      2. Sure, as long as you don’t pay attention to what Trump wants or what the word “anarchy” means.

        1. Drax the Destroyer strikes again !!!!

    4. Anonymous agrees.

      When you’ve lost Anonymous, you’ve lost a lot.

  31. The Guardian: Mocked and forgotten: who will speak for the American white working class?

    As the isolation has increased and opportunity diminished, some have turned to drugs. America, and particularly the white working class, is dealing with a drug epidemic that is killing more people each year at a startling rate. Just in the past decade deaths from drugs has doubled.

    The National Review sees it as another sign of the flawed character of the poor. This is a common and moralistic trope those battling an addiction have long dealt with ? that it is all the fault of their weakness. The reality is often far more complex. Addiction thrives in societies undergoing stress. How much someone abuses drugs is a measure of the trauma, pain, anxiety and isolation someone has experienced.

    Then again, blaming the changes in the white working class on moral failures, rather than political and economic ones, is very convenient for conservatives and Republicans.

    1. The National Review sees it as another sign of the flawed character of the poor.

      Yeah, that’s not what either Williamson or French said at all. In fact, Williamson advised exercising their moral and personal agency and removing themselves from the economically unfeasible environments where drug use, welfare dependency, and the toxic mentality of stagnation and entitlement have mired them. Bad economic policy and evolving economics are largely to blame, but the “it’s not your fault” ethos this guy preaches ignores that entirely. He’s feeding their persecution complex and insisting on their poverty. Just read this schlock:

      The consequences can be seen in nearly every town and rural county and aren’t confined to the industrial north or the hills of Kentucky either. My home town in Florida, a small town built around two orange juice factories, lost its first factory in 1985 and its last in 2005.

      That’s not a causative relationship, Chris! Factory closures “happen,” but they don’t “happen to” people. Job loss “happens to” people, it’s true, but the consequence isn’t parking your ass for ten to thirty years praying another factory opens. The entire essay is the case-in-point punctuation to the National Review argument.

      1. but the consequence isn’t parking your ass for ten to thirty years praying another factory opens.

        You want to help world hunger? Stop sending them food. Don’t send them another bite, send them U-Hauls. Send them a guy that says, “You know, we’ve been coming here giving you food for about 35 years now and we were driving through the desert, and we realized there wouldn’t BE world hunger if you people would live where the FOOD IS! YOU LIVE IN A DESERT!! UNDERSTAND THAT? YOU LIVE IN A FUCKING DESERT!! NOTHING GROWS HERE! NOTHING’S GONNA GROW HERE! Come here, you see this? This is sand. You know what it’s gonna be 100 years from now? IT’S GONNA BE SAND!! YOU LIVE IN A FUCKING DESERT! We have deserts in America, we just don’t LIVE in them, assholes!”

        1. We have deserts in America, we just don’t LIVE in them, assholes!”

          Oh?

          *Looks out window at Sonoran Desert, home to millions of people*

    2. Mocked and forgotten: who will speak for the American white working class?

      Speak for them? When have they ever shut the fuck up?

      1. Trump will speak rant incoherently for them.

  32. Signed the dog up for a pet easter egg hunt tomorrow. Anyone done anything like this before? It’s not a contest, but I still want to win.

    1. First, don’t feed your dog tonight or tomorrow morning. Eat a hard boiled egg right in front of him, so close that his nose is full of the scent of hard-boiled egg.

      Then let nature take it’s course.

      1. wait, you mwan it’s not a hunt where the pets are dressed as easter eggs and genetically engineered dinosaurs are released to hunt them?

      2. Your dog must either really love or really hate you.

        1. We’ll see. She gets let loose in a field to find toys and treats, seems harmless.

        2. My dog loves me; I don’t enter him into contests or torment him.

          1. Huh. I thought the point of having a dog is that you can betray their unconditional love over and over again, with no consequences.

    2. Ultimate First World Problem?

      1. I am told I am something called a millennial…

        1. Oh, so you’re doing this “ironically.”

      1. I have a hound summoned from the blood of a dozen innocents – does that count?

        1. As long as it has a tag, it counts.

          1. Tag?

            This is an unholy hellspawn – you have any idea the registration fees I’d have to pay if I told the government about it?

            1. He’s from Florida, the tag is so’s he can hunt it.

      2. Border Collie

  33. “Indiana Gov. Mike Pence signed into a law a measure that requires miscarried fetuses to be cremated and prohibits abortion based on a fetus’ sex or disability.”

    Forcing women to carry babies with birth defects to term is both cruel and wrong.

  34. It bears repeating that no one has proof of anything, and Fiorina has herself endorsed and campaigned with Cruz since ending her campaign.

    The great thing about conspiracies is that absence of evidence is proof of the conspiracy.

    1. Fiorina endorsing Cruz means she’s been promised a plum position in his administration to keep her quiet. Duh.

      1. Yep – Seemed pretty obvious why Cruz would pay off some of her campaign debt in return for an endorsement and active campaign support.

  35. Chelsea disses Obamacare! Amazing! Before it was Obamacare it was Hillarycare.

    1. Uh, no. Obamacare was the Republican alternative to Hilarycare (which was basically more like Canada).

      Not even Republican. Reason advocated for mandatory health insurance way back then.

  36. So the GO Pee-in-a-Dixie-cup Party is disappointed with democracy? They ought to chisel their 2012 Platform in stone until they’ve lost to a real estate developer, a woman, a socialist, a mohammedan imam and a couple of libertarians. I am ab-solUtely in favor of keeping religious fanaticism, prohibitionism and the bullying of pregnant females in bright red letters in the Republican platform till they join the Federalists and Whigs.

  37. America’s Worst Generation: Only One Of My Three Nephews Knows Who Ace Frehley Is.

    1. In their defense, KISS sucks.

      1. So much this.

        It is notable, though, how most kids today are largely ignorant of the popular culture of their parents or even their older siblings. It wasn’t like that when there were maybe four TV channels and no internet.

        1. *Hands Rhywun cane to shake at whippersnappers*

  38. Uh…that there exists five women who actually want to have sex with Ted Cruz is what I find the most unbelievable part of the “story”.

      1. PBS is blocked, but not H&R.

        1. Yeah, I made that mistake once. It’s not PBS. This one, however, is perfectly SFW.

    1. Yeah, him having affairs with five men would be more believable.

      1. That will be round 2.

  39. Big excitement in my original stomping grounds. A train collided with a tanker truck hauling propane.

    Callaway was know for having a very dodgy liquor store that was willing to sell to just about anyone as a kid.

    The hiway that is closed is the one that runs from white eye territory to the casino on the White Earth reservation. I wonder how bad their business is hurting.

    The sheriff Todd Glander is a high school classmate of mine. I couldn’t believe it when I found out he had become a deputy years ago and now he’s sheriff. He was way too nice a guy to get into that line of work.

    1. Many of the unbelievably sweet people I know are staunchly in favor of the boot-stamping-on-a-human-face-forever candidate.

      1. the boot-stamping-on-a-human-face-forever candidate

        You’re going to have to narrow it down a little bit.

  40. Three of the women in the Cruz sex scandal may have been identified and there could be a $500,000 bribe involved

    http://classicalvalues.com/201…..-politics/

    BTW such payments could be a violation of election law. That could mean that Cruz used to be a lawyer.

    1. We’ve been discussing this up yonder.

      Color me skeptical.

      That $500,000 may have just been to help Carly run anti-Trump attack ads the Cruz campaign didn’t want to run themselves.

      1. But that would mean candidate coordination with a PAC. A no-no.

        1. Maybe.

          I’m not saying they did an explicit tit for tat.

          We really like what you’re doing in South Carolina, Carly campaign–here’s a donation.

          1. Well because you aren’t keeping up I’ll give you the news.

            The FEC is investigating.

            1. Is it illegal for one campaign to donate to another?

              1. PACs are independent. They are not supposed to be part of a campaign. Of course, that’s what the FEC is looking into – coordination.

    2. Don’t forget.

      John Edwards
      Gary Hart
      Tiger Woods

      Libel law – Hulk Hogan

      1. Read the article – it’s written in mealy-mouthed twice removed language.

        “Private detectives are digging into at least five affairs Ted Cruz supposedly had,” claimed a Washington insider.

        “Digging”, “supposedly”, “claimed”… Really? Whose PI’s? Trump’s?

      2. The Hulk Hogan case had nothing to do with libel.

    3. The bribe was from a Cruz supporting super PAC so no technical violation law…

  41. no connection to the Cruz campaign

    That is a fiction. They coordinate.

  42. Further, Cruz’s greatest weakness is his repulsive personality. His apparent loyalty to his intelligent, complicated wife may be his lone redeeming quality; highlighting her struggles only humanizes him.

    Slate’s Michelle Goldberg, fighting the good fight for more decorum. Gracefully, and altruistically.

  43. I prefer this story about a big Kasich donor because it contains the phrase “countless hours of forced sodomy.”

    http://www.yahoo.com/politics/major-k…..01432.html

    1. The fact that the guy donated to the republicans is what will do him in.

    2. It also includes the phrase “sex slave suit”, which I initially believed to be in reference to something else completely.

  44. Apparently Michael Jordan owes transgenders something because…well, just because.

    http://on.si.com/1q61XfP

    “As a kid, I wanted to “be like Mike.” I wore Air Jordans and tried to imitate his moves on the court. I always wore number 23, no matter the sport???just like a whole lot of other LBGT kids. Jordan’s silence on this issue would be deafening, as trans people like me are increasingly leveraged out of public life in his home state. For the Hornets, thousands of potential customers are now at risk of erasure, never to return. As a kid I, used to measure myself against MJ every day. Now it’s on him to measure against what the times demand: courage in the face of cruelty, justice where only hate and fear have prevailed.”

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