Reason Weekly Contest: Comfort the Emory University Students

Last week's winners revealed.

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Welcome back to the Reason Weekly Contest! This week's prompt is:

Emory students demanded Pres. James Wagner respond to their pain and trauma upon seeing the words "Trump 2016" chalked around campus. Please compose the first line of what the President's letter should have said.

How to enter: Submissions should be e-mailed to contest@reason.com. Please include your name, city, and state. This week, kindly type "EMORY" in the subject line. Entries are due by 11 p.m. Eastern Time,Tuesday, March 29. Winners will appear on April 1—an important day in humor contests! In the case of identical or similar entries, the first one received gets credit. First prize is a one-year digital subscription to Reason magazine, plus bragging rights. While we appreciate kibbitzing in the comments below, you must email your answer to enter the contest. Feel free to enter more than once, and good luck!

And now for the results of last week's contest: Recently, a 4-year-old was recommended for a counter-terrorism program after he mispronounced "cucumber" and "cooker bomb." We asked you to come up with the next goofed up word or phrase that might get a kid reported to the authorities.

THE WINNER:

Student says "I really like Pamela's hair." Misheard as, "I brought enough peanuts to share!" — Roger the Shrubber, Pittsburgh PA

SECOND PLACE:

"Mother wishes jihad more time." — Robert Goodman, Bronx, NY 

THIRD PLACE:

Superintendent, I assure you that my child meant that he had eaten a "raisin," not "ricin." – Tim, Mahwah, NJ

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

My sister's name is Mary Juanita. — Joyce Farrell, Wautoma, WI

Kid is drawing and says, "I want a new color." Teacher hears "nuclear." —Dick Nimmons

We have a gay zebra! (Gazebo) — Tim Whalen, Manassas, VA

AND FROM THE COMMENTS:

Boy says "Pokemon," teacher hears "Pop Tart gun."

Girl says "Barbie doll," teacher hears "barbiturate."

Kid says he had "a Sierra Mist" and is reported for harboring "a Terrorist."

NEXT: Dems & Reps Are Melting Down. These Two Tweets Help Explain Why

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  1. “I wish I could give each and every one of you the biggest hug in the whole wide world.”

  2. “Lolita, light of my life, fire of my loins.”

  3. Dear whiny bitches,

  4. “Here’s a pacifier and some warm milk., then have your RA read you ‘Goodnight Moon’ and try to get some sleep.”

  5. “These are the times that try persxns’ non-denominational spirits…”

  6. “You may not be college material.”

    1. Or they are, and are not material for anywhere else.

  7. “As Mahatma Ghandi said, ‘you must not lose faith in humanity. Humanity is an ocean; if a few drops of the ocean are dirty, the ocean does not become dirty.’ Please students, implore mercy to this misbegotten soul, this rabid scoundrel, this limestonian terrorist! We must rise up to fight this menace to our spirit of unity!”

    1. If a few drops of the ocean are dirty, then global warming.

  8. You’re all expelled.

    1. “Stop wasting oxygen.”

  9. “March 21, 2016 – a day which will live in infamy – the Emory campus was suddenly and deliberately attacked by a Trump fanatic carrying a piece of chalk.”

    1. Ach, screw you for scooping me! But I am still emailing in my version.

    2. This is why we need common sense chalk laws and chalk-free zones. Mizzou even did a chalk buyback program that worked well. Emory should look into that.

  10. That sound you hear is your resume going through a shredder.

  11. “Dear pussies…until four decades ago your male grandparents and great-grandparents faced the possibility of being drafted and being sent to a war they might die in. Grow the fuck up.”

  12. “The world needs ditchdiggers, too.”

    1. You know, I’ve sentenced people younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn’t want to do it. Felt I owed it to them.

  13. Dear former students:

    Tell your mom hi from all the guys at the Cobb County softball league.

  14. “But Madam Principal, I said I made a homemade clock, not a homemade Glock! I should be going to the White House, not downtown with the cops!”

  15. “Dear Students; As Donald Trump once said…”

  16. “First of all, rest assured: we’re gonna find the bastard that did this.”

    1. I doubt he is one of our students. He misspelled triumph.

  17. “That’s how it starts. The whining, the rage, the feeling of butthurtness that turns mediocre students… unemployable.”

  18. “Dear students, I’m sorry you felt scared by the advertisements around campus by the Bridge Club announcing their annual card playing sessions were now open. Now grow the fuck up.”

  19. “Pale, vegan, and trembling is no way to go through life, son.”

  20. “These masturbation euphemisms are getting pretty abstract.”

  21. Emory wasn’t like this when Virginia Postrel ran the place.

  22. For your convenience, next semester there will be a diaper changing station installed on every floor of your residence hall.

  23. We were all saddened and horrified by the Trump vandalism that was visited upon our peaceful campus, but I have good news! Ronald Reagan has risen from the grave and is now vying for the Republican nomination…

    1. “My fellow Americans, I’m pleased to tell you today that I’ve signed legislation that will outlaw Emory University forever. We begin bombing in five minutes.”

    2. I’d vote for Reagan today. The fact that he’s dead makes him a far better candidate than Hillary, Trump or Sanders.

      -jcr

  24. Quelling dissent is our fetish
    Impure viewpoints will upset us
    Fret you not dear snowflakes
    You can have it your way
    Have yoouuur way
    Have it your way

    1. Learn this tune. You’ll be singing the real words in your after college career.

      1. Ha! Perfect. I suppose your add-on line would be necessary for those who have difficulty recognizing sarcasm.

  25. Anyone who was offended by the words “Trump 2016” may come by my office to pick up their Starbucks application.

    1. Well, it wouldn’t be a Home Depot application because Home Depot employees are actually supposed to think through a project.

  26. “As politics is incompatible with a “safe space”, all political activities are now banned from campus, and all political organizations on campus are hereby disbanded. Violations of this policy will lead to immediate termination of staff, and expulsion of students. Have a blessed day.”

  27. Dear student activists,

    Because the school motto is Cor prudentis possidebit scientiam or “The wise heart seeks knowledge”, I must respond that you fucked up well and truly.

  28. I’m pleased to announce that the Soylent Corporation has accepted all of you for their summer internship program: A Future in Green.

  29. You’re fired.

  30. Trump is unbeatable!

    At least according to Tay.

  31. When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

  32. Wir m?ssen die Studenten ausrotten!

  33. Dear fags, chalk it up to experience.

  34. I disagree with the announced winner because “I really like Pamela’s hair” doesn’t need to be misheard to result in a call to authorities.

  35. The school motto is being changed from Cor prudentis possidebit scientiam (“The wise heart seeks knowledge”). Please repeat after me our new motto: “Do you want fries with that?”

  36. Show me on the doll where the bad man hurt you.

  37. The perpetrators will be found, forcibly moved to a reeducation facility, and shamed, perhaps with a yellow star on their clothing, for subversive crime against the state.

  38. I have observed that our institution no longer fills your requirements. The procedures to withdraw from the University are found on page 27 of the catalog.

  39. Dear Students,
    after you leave this school and face the real world, these current petty traumas will disappear like chalk in the rain.

  40. Dear Students,

    Congratulations! You have just convinced me to vote for Trump.

  41. SJW Response:

    Dear Students,

    If think you know who wrote “Trump 2016” all over campus, please report them for immediate expulsion, as there is no such thing as due process here.

  42. “Hydrochloric acid dissolves calcium carbonate. Just puke on it.”

  43. “Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life”

  44. On the up side, I now understand why a pentagram works.

  45. Sometimes dude I really think he may be onto something.

    http://www.Full-VPN.tk

  46. “Please find enclosed a full refund of your tuition for the present academic year, and I wish you a safe and speedy journey back to the loving bosoms of your parents.”

  47. Pass the preparation E. My emroids are flaming.

  48. Students, sometimes we hurt the ones we love. Let me love you.

    Alternatively,

    From the 2016 class of The Citadel Military College of South Carolina… unfuck yourselves and get your nasty chins in.

  49. Dear Students, here are some dimes. Take them, and call your mothers. Tell them there is serious doubt about you ever becoming adults.

  50. It’s time to get serious about sidewalk and chalk control.

  51. Before I saw the bank draft which had said $9426 , I didnt believe that…my… brother woz like actualy earning money part-time at there labtop. . there uncles cousin has done this 4 less than fifteen months and by now repaid the dept on there place and got a great new Mini Cooper . read the full info here …

    Clik This Link inYour Browser??
    ? ? ? ? http://www.MaxPost30.com

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