Donald Trump is many things: the current Republican frontrunner, the most plausible winner of the all-important Iowa caucus (we'll find out for sure tonight), and—presumably—a claimant for the Iron Throne of Westeros.
The Donald recently sat down with Reason for a chat about his strategy to win Game of Thrones' War of the Five Kings, slay Daenerys Targaryen's dragons, and build a giant wall of ice around the known world.
[This interview is inspired by—and in the same vein as—The Federalist's terrific piece, "Donald Trump: Let Me Tell You About Smaug." Both pieces are works of satire.]
Reason: Ser Trump, you're running to be Donald, the First of His Name, King of the Andals and the First Men, Lord of the Seven Kingdoms of Westeros. Why should the people choose you to sit the Iron Throne?
Well, first of all, it's not a very nice-looking throne, okay? I've got a hundred thrones that are better than that in my hotels and casinos. They're much bigger. The Iron Throne, it's tiny. My thrones are yuge. Look, I liked King Robert, I got along with him, I did some deals with him, but he had a loser's throne. That's just a fact. Nice, guy, friendly guy, we laughed together, we shared whores together, but not the best king, okay? I mean, who gets killed by a wild boar? I like king's who win. I'm just saying.
And don't get me started on Queen Cersei. I'll tell you what. She's a bimbo. She's a lightweight. She has no idea what she's doing, she's running this country into the ground, she's making terrible deals. Horrible! She's made terrible deals with the Faith Militant, with Littlefinger, with the Tyrells. We're terribly in debt now because of her. We're getting killed by Braavos by the way, and I'll tell you what, it's Cersei's fault. She's not even very good-looking, by the way. She won't sleep with me. She only sleeps with her relatives, I guess. Everybody knows that but nobody talks about it, because she executes you if you do. We've just becoming so politically correct these days, it's disgusting.
But Ser Trump, don't these kinds of accusations feed into the "War on Women" narrative?
Let me say this, and I'll say it quickly. I love women. Everybody knows it. Everybody knows it. I have millions of supporters who are women. Women love me. They all want to sleep with me. That's just a fact. Ask anyone. Send a raven anywhere and ask anyone. The Khaleesi wants to sleep with me, okay? I know this for a fact. So I'm not afraid of her. Why would I be afraid of someone who fled the country right after she was born? I don't know, maybe she wasn't even born here. You know the Targaryens, they're foreigners. Who knows where they come from? I'm just saying what people tell me, I don't know that she's eligible to rule. But she doesn't scare me. Her dragon doesn't scare me. Why would I be worried about a gigantic fire-breathing lizard? It's uglier than Rosie o'Donnell.
Let's turn to your recent comment, "Ned Stark had it coming." Some northern voters were offended. Your response?
Look, I loved Ned, I worked with Ned, okay? Did a lot of deals with him. He was someone I could work with. But he turned out to be a yuge sucker. He got suckered by the Lannisters. I'll tell you what his problem was: he didn't have good advisors. He listened to Littlefinger and Varys and he just got absolutely murdered. I know all the smartest people, okay? Most of them work for me. They've all sworn oaths to me. So I'd do a much better job than Ned Stark.
By the way, let me just say this, Ned's wife was even worse—just terrible at making deals. She gave away Jaime Lannister for nothing. Pathetic! I would never make a deal like that. If I'd been in charge, Joffrey would have been on his knees, choking on his pie while he begged me to release his uncle—actually, it's his dad, everybody knows that, but you can't say it, because it's offensive, even though it's a fact. But Catelyn Stark just totally ruined everything. She's a loser and a moron. And I'm sorry, but let me just say this, because it's true, so was her son, Robb. Whole family of losers, okay? Terrible deal-makers. He was getting killed. He was getting flayed alive, I have to tell you that. I'm sorry, but it's true.
Reports have recently surfaced that place you at the Red Wedding, associating with friends of the Lannisters. You're running against Cersei Lannister, but your critics say you have always been on good terms with her. Are you insincere?
Of course I was on good terms with the Lannisters, everyone who knows anything about making money in Westeros was working with the Lannisters. You had to do it. Look, I talk to everyone, I go to parties with everyone, I make deals. I was at the Red Wedding. It was a great event, let me tell you, yuge event. The Boltons, people don't like them because they offend some people, but I can work with them. I can even work with the Freys. The Freys love me! But let me just say this, I would make much better deals with the Freys than Catelyn Stark did, okay? If I was in charge of Robb's army, we would have crossed that bridge without anyone marrying a Frey. It just wouldn't have happened. And then we wouldn't have had all these problems.
One of your rivals, Republican Sen. Ted Cruz, recently accused you of having "Highgarden values." How does that sit with you?
He really embarrassed himself on that one. I don't know what he means, but he should apologize to the hardworking people of Highgarden, okay? I lived there, they are good people. They went through a lot when Renly died—good guy, by the way, respectable guy, didn't get as many women as me, but a good deal-maker. Shame on Ted Cruz for mocking Highgarden. He's a hypocrite. He's bedded just as many Oldtown wenches as any other guy in this race, for one thing. But he's desperate. I'm killing him in the polls, even among Dornishmen.
Speaking of the polls, Stannis Baratheon is enjoying some traction after denouncing you as the embodiment of darkness. He says that your election would bring about "the night that never ends." Your response?
I'll tell you, nothing ever ends when you're around that guy. He's so boring. No personality whatsoever. It's no surprise I'm killing him, absolutely hacking him to death in the polls. He's running to be king just because his brother was king and it's a little sad, frankly. He's so washed up, I don't even know why he's still in the race after what happened at Blackwater Bay. He got beaten by a dwarf! I like kings who don't lose to dwarves and deranged inbred teenagers. Stannis is so ugly, too. His wife is ugly, and his daughter is horrible looking—that face! She's much uglier than my daughter, Ivanka. If Ivanka wasn't my daughter, I'd probably add her to my harem, by the way. But let me say this about Stannis, he has good taste in fire priestesses, I'll admit that. I've slept with Melisandre, of course. She was great. She loves me. She's probably going to leave Stannis for me, because my poll numbers are so good and she likes winners. My poll numbers are absolutely on fire, I'm telling you. It's a fact.
Will you pledge to support the Night's Watch?
I'll tell you what we're going to do, we're going to build a huge wall of ice, not just around the North, but around the whole country, okay? And we're going to get the White Walkers and the Wildlings to pay for it. We're also deporting all the Wildlings. We'll kill their families, too. We have to do it. They're trying to destroy us, and you want to just let them in? That's suicide. It's such a stupid idea that only a Stark could have come up with it. Why are we letting morons like Jon Snow run our country into the ground? It's pathetic.
Last question: Will we see you at the next debate?
Well, I told Fox News this, but if Arya is hosting it, I'm not going. She's biased against me. She says I'm on her list of names, whatever that means. I don't know. Frankly, she's really bad at her job.
Thank you, Ser Trump. Good luck to you in the Harrenhal caucus.
Thanks for having me. Together we can make Westeros great again.