Reason Weekly Contest: Barbie Got a Makeover, Now It's Ken's Turn
Last week's winners revealed.


Welcome back to the Reason Weekly Contest! This week's question is:
Forget Malibu Barbie, Astronaut Barbie, and all Barbie's other jobs and locales—Mattel just unveiled three new shapes of Barbie: tall, petite, and curvy. Time to Play Magazine says that brings the total to 30 new Barbie dolls with 7 skin tones, 4 body types, 30 hair colors, 24 hairstyles, and 22 eye colors. Come up with the next iteration of Ken.
How to enter: Submissions should be e-mailed to contest@reason.com. Please include your name, city, and state. This week, kindly type "KEN" in the subject line. Entries are due by 11 p.m. Eastern Time, Monday, Feb. 1. Winners will appear on Feb. 5. In the case of identical or similar entries, the first one received gets credit. First prize is a one-year digital subscription to Reason magazine, plus bragging rights. While we appreciate kibbitzing in the comments below, you must email your answer to enter the contest. Feel free to enter more than once, and good luck!
And now for the results of last week's contest: In a surprise move, the government revoked its approval process for use of its "grass-fed" beef marketing label. We asked you to come up with a new food adjective that yuppies (okay, hipsters) will find irresistible.
THE WINNER:
"Grass-fed salmon" -- John Logue, Jacksonville, FL
SECOND PLACE:
"Privilege-free" -- Colin Blake, Boston, MA
THIRD PLACE:
"Whole Foods-fed" -- Ray Yee, Clovis, CA
HONORABLE MENTIONS:
"Hand-glazed, free-range, gluten-free, and marinated in a balsamic reduction."-- Joyce Farrell, Wautoma, WI
"Non-traditional "-- Tom D, Phoenix, AZ
"Gently-killed" -- Richard Bradley, Fredericksburg, VA
"Monsanto Free" -- Alex Popovich, Knoxville, TN
"Solar-fed" -- James Quigley, San Rafael, CA
"Grass-walked beef"
"Raw milk fed veal" -- John Logue (again!), Jacksonville, FL
"Weed-fed beef: High in protein, high in life" --L. B. Lebin, Mill Hall, PA
AND FROM THE COMMENTS:
"2-D printed beef"
"110% Natural"
"Cut and packaged by guaranteed living-wage employees"
"Made from living-wage cows"
"It's European!"
"Safe-space raised"
"Sustainably slaughtered"
"Allowed to graze freely on federal land by ranchers who have all the proper permits, paid all their taxes and land-use fees, never set any fires, and never occupied a federal buildings."
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Cuckhold Ken. Comes with a black friend to rail Barbie while he watches!
/barrel of lube not included.
Poor Ken, it's not his fault Mattel made him ball-less.
I knew the barrel of lube reference would draw you out.
/drops net on Jesse.
Nooooo! Luckily I came prepared!
*dives into 55 gallon drum of water/silicone hybrid personal lubricant*
Drat! I'll get you next time and your barrel of personal lubricant too!
Maybe someday, sucker!
*slips on linoleum, lies dazed on floor*
Are you this year's greased-up deaf guy?
*looks at other suggested products on that page, double checks that it's actually a legit link to amazon*
WTF is a "circumcision trainer"? No, I'm not clicking on that..
*scrubs Amazon history while loudly cursing jesse.in.mb*
Kendall : Trans-gendered, Trans-racial Ken Doll.
Flaming Ken
Can't-Feel-My-Dick Ken. He had a series of back surgeries which didn't go entirely according to plan.
I literally laughed out loud in my office. Pretty sure everyone thinks I'm crazy...er.
Ken Twins Go to College - One, one, one rape in two.
Peg Me Ken. Comes with strap-on, lube, and Preparation H.
White Guilt Ken. Flail not included.
http://www.gocomics.com/mike-lester/2016/01/29
I prefer Alabama Man.
Cut and uncut Ken.
Yes We Ken. Comes with miniature Chewbacca.
Nice.
Pajama Boy Ken
or
Hipster, douchebag, October '14 Reason covermodel Ken.
Now with facial hair, mustache wax, light-up vanity, and eight different styling accessories.
Box says: "You won't want to stop punching him in the face!"
Assless Chaps Ken
K-K-K-Ken
Comes with a little aquarium accessory.
Does it come with chips?
Malibu Steamroller sold separately.
Only during Christmas.
It took me a minute to recognize the Fish Called Wanda reference.
At first, I was like, "why does the Klan need an aquarium"?
Realistic Ken - has a pot belly, bald spot, and fading tribal armband tattoo. Accessories include a sixer of Milwaukee's Best and a laptop so he can Facebook-stalk Skipper's friends.
Balding Overweight Ken to go with Curvy Barbie.
Beta Ken, with kung-fu grips for holding your shopping bags.
+1
Dammit.
Which would be different than current Ken how?
Euro trash Ken.
A non threatening friend for your favorite Barbie.
Beta Ken
Dear sloth,
Too slow...
Friendzone Ken - comes with fedora and goatee; sword collection sold separately.
Scary accurate.
He has a voice chip, but all it does is complain about how girls only date jerks.
What a tiresome argument that is. I've had discussions at length with people I've friend-zoned about how disingenuous that makes them sound.
"So the only reason you wanted to be my friend in the first place is because you thought it would make it easier to bang me? Wow."
"I'm sorry, what? You've got great tits, by the way."
It's almost like you're present for these conversations, Hamster...
Friendzoning exists, and not all of it is always befriending a girl to date her. But whining about being friendzoned is so unattractive, all women should friendzone you for the rest of eternity.
Is there a concise version of the gender stereotyped reversal? Best I can come up with is "good enough to bang but no way I'm moving in with you...zoned"
Women get friendzoned, but I think they just internalize it rather than blaming those that have zoned them.
"I'm just not good enough" rather than "What's that stuck up bitches problem?"
NY douche bag investor Ken.
Come with blue suit, hookers, and blow.
College Ken -- he supports free speech but...
+some muscle over here
Angry Ken - Comes with a restraining order from Barbie and a drinking problem
Warty Ken - is actually just He-Man with the sword glued to his crotch.
+1 DoomCock
+1 secret of steel
Jame Gumb Ken.
Comes with a roll of duct tape.
And some lotion.
Well, what else do you need?
A hose and "Goodbye Horses"?
Ana-Ken: He hates sand, leers at Amidala Barbie for hours, and is a better actor than Hayden Christiansen.
I hate you* for reminding me of that awful-ass movie.
*and sand
NO SPOILERS
Grass Eater Ken, because Barbie is too busy eating her girlfriend out. (he still wants to watch, maybe with some tentacles involved too)
Ken Trump: Wins at everything. Has the world's greatest haircut. Is YUUUUUGE.
*Unable to be shelved next to other Kens and Barby; found in the toy soldier section.
Down's syndrome Ken.
Because everything's cute and beautiful.
Do I go to hell now?
TrumpKen, comes with "Make Malibu Great Again" hat and a disability check.
Libertarian Ken - comes with AR-15, enormous bong, and a copy of The Road to Serfdom. His counterpart, Libertarian Barbie, does not exist.
That reminds me of Prepper Ken: comes with poncho, bomb shelter, and cans of Spam.
*Supplies limited and, on principle, one per customer.
An AR-15 bong, eh?
Potheads can make a bong out of anything.
This is known.
FeelTheBern Ken - accessories include Comparative Lit degree from Berkeley and his parents, whom he lives with.
No deodorant.
Cruz Ken -- does flips like a gymnast and comes with a box of glow-in-dark Malibu Beach sand.
Hapless Ken - modeled after all the stupid white guys in TV commercials
Bro-Ken - your choice of sports jersey (double the fun with a pun)
Spi-ken Lee. Complains about the Oscars being too plastic.
...and that the Lego peeps are messing up his plastic ghetto.
I hope this one wins:
Other-Ken - comes dressed in random animal costume. Be surprised by the identified gender when you remove the costume.
Trans-Gender Ken. Genitals of choice not included.
Social Justice Warrior Ken - comes with his own grievance list and how-to take people to court for perceived injustices. Choose from any of the OSW-style dreadlocks with dyed brown hair, Hobo-academic look or Angry at white people Ken.
White Privilege Ken. Pull out chord messages include: 'I work exclusively on the backs of people'. 'My orphans are worth what they bring into my bank account'. 'Institutional racism works just fine.' 'I bang Barbie three times a day, how about you?"
Obese Ken. Twinkies and sodas not included...for obvious reasons.
Climate Change Ken. Comes with his own carbon footprint, jet, and fear-mongering memes. Asian version available for a more legit mathematical and scientific look.
Politically Correct Ken. No balls included.
Ken, eh? Ken's Canadian cousin from Saskatchewan.
Ken, eh? Ken's Canadian cousin from Saskatchewan.
Comes with flannel shirt (which cannot be removed); is maple-scented.
All denim below the chin. comes with bagged milk as an accessory
This is...already Ken.
Yes, but he comes with a penis now...a strap on.
This is...already Ken.
You are such a bigot.
And how could we leave out:
Ken Shultz - interrupts Barbie every five seconds because he can't finish his thoughts all at once. As an added feature, he bores the shit out of Barbie.
Do you even punk music, bro?
+1 Dead Ken-nedy
MRA Ken, comes with detailed rankings of the relative attractiveness of the stupid slutty Barbies who won't sleep with him, which is all of them. Mom's basement sold separately
MRA Ken transforms into PUA Ken with the simple addition of the Peacockin' Fuzzy Purple Tophat accessory. All other details of MRA Ken remain the same.
Cultural Non-Appropriation Ken -- comes with a Ken head on a Flex Armstrong body so he can practice "Mindful Stretching."
PUA Ken -- pull-string produces negging remarks toward Barbie so as to raise his perceived social status and arouse Barbie's sexual interest.
Happy Time Harry
Fatphobic Ken - refuses to touch "curvy" Barbie, masturbate in shower adapter kit sold separately.
Not secretly a chubby chaser with a rail thin girlfriend he isn't really attracted to?
That's Lies To Himself Ken, which comes in a two-pack with Bi Ken.
(They are the exact same doll.)
Poor bi-guys. Can't catch a break anywhere.
They do OK in a bathouse.
ShamWow Ken -- his pull-string helps put children to sleep as he delivers a 20-minute infomercial in a thick New York accent.
"You'll Love My" Nuts sold separately - caution: small parts not suitable for children under 3
SugarFree Ken - comes with insulin shots, detachable feet, and, as his writing "inspiration," the Necronomicon of Abdul al-Hazared.
He has hooks for feet, for he is hated by both God and man.
That's what happens when you eat too much corn syrup while hanging out in lost Irem, the City of Pillars.
The Donald Ken -- completely trolls the world of Barbie, gaining the support of many dim-witted girls while actually being secretly in league with G.I. Joe dolls all along.
Hero-Cop Ken -- shoots all Barbie pets and darker-skinned dolls, seizes Barbie cars in civil forfeiture, always goes home safely.
Wigga Ken - comes with sideways hat, saggy pants, and one hand permanently glued to his crotch.
Dude, that's EmKenEm.
PTSD Ken--shoots Barbie in the head, then jumps out 20th floor hotel window when Barbie pulls the cork on champagne bottle without warning.
Redneck Ken--comes with free 15-year-old pregnant Barbie, both wearing cutoff shorts and sleeveless flannel shirt. And a baseball cap with fishing logo.
And finally, K-K-Ken, c-c-coming to k-k-k-kill me! Ken. No, I won't explain it to you, youngster.
+1 Speak to me in Italian.
Gun-Grab Ken -- Pull-string causes him to spout fictional gun violence statistics, proclaim his belief in "reasonable new laws," and cry real tears while insisting that "government DO SOMETHING."
He comes in a two-pack with ASSault Weapon Ken -- who sports a military-style weapon that has never actually existed anywhere outside of prog toymakers' imaginations.
One of those 1200 gauge full auto AR-15's with the bullet time button?
Trigger Warning Ken.
Hillary-Ken: wears housecoats in public and will rule you with a strong pimp hand.
What's the Frequency Kenneth
And the frequency is...rarely if ever. Sorry, Barbie.
MexiKen - excellent at building walls to keep himself out of places; may be a rapist or a drug dealer or, i assume, a good person. Comes with fifteen other MexiKens in the back of a pickup truck.
Kenneth.
He is well-dressed, effeminate, interior designer with a passion for wine (only those that have been aged 12 years, please), and his two Yorkshire terriers, Gumdrop and Greta Garbo.
Assorted ascots sold separately.
D-MoneyKen: sells drugs and will impregnate innocent Maine females and is totally not black.
Cross-fit Ken.
He is fit, intense, and passionate about his exercise regimen. God help you if a carb gets anywhere near him.
Comes with large weights for him to drop on the floor.
Perpetual college student Ken, commonly found in National Lampoon films.
He has been in college for seven years, throws all the best parties, lives off of his father's money,
He is known for always carrying around a golf club, as well as his impressive freshman girl post-sex trophy collection, which is comprised mostly of panties, belts, and left-footed shoes.
Chris Kenstrie -- the size of three Kens in one, with a strong authoritarian streak. Hates pot but loves munchies. Listens in on all of Barbie's calls so he can keep dolls safe. Comes with a box of Krispy Kremes.
Ken Berns. (No, he doesn't make documentaries!) The first disheveled, white-haired Ken doll! He is available FREE at a toy store near you, while supplies last. Questions the need for a wide variety of Barbies and other toys while children are starving. Believes even kids should pay taxes, and those taxes must be raised!
Ken Jong-il
Says the same thing over and over:
"Hans, ya breakin' the smoove prace whele my barrs should be!"
Ken Touch This - Ken dressed like he thinks an African-American hip-hop artist looks.
Comes with large clock worn around his neck, so that everyone can know that he knows what time he is.
My Old Ken-tucky Home: Ken has a Mountain Man beard and a rifle "in case them revenooers come snoopin' around ma still."
Unbro-Ken: Locked in a Japanese prison camp, he endures all sorts of tortures rather than submit to his captors' cruel demand that he go with the other prisoners to the all-day Anime Marathon.
JackKen Ace -- The Ken doll that's also a sock-puppet! Tries to sound intelligent while spouting standard prerecorded talking points.
His arch-nemesis is Agile CyKen, who recites original Beat poetry while having sex with several Barbies. Agile CyKen's colorful packaging includes a full blotter of LSD.
American Socialist Ken. Comes with his own gulag!
Yeah, not be confused with Kohn -- an articulate but very argumentative doll who writes lengthy posts and gradually reveals himself to be much more of a traditional conservative than any sort of libertarian.
Kohn!!!!!!!!!
Militia Ken.
He likes flannel, guns, ranchin', and the Constitution.
He dislikes the government, and pussies who disrespect both the Second Amendment, and his Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, who died for your damn sins.
At first, Milita Ken will illicit empathy, because you support his property rights and his views on the Second Amendment. However, after a few weeks Milita Ken will say something racist or Anti-Semetic, and you will emotionally retract your empathy for his cause.
One month after purchasing Milita Ken, Fed Ken will arrive in the mail. Fed Ken is all business, with his windbreaker and cargo pants and Wiley-X sunglasses. Soon after his arrival Fed Ken will murder Miliita Ken, and once again you will throw your support behind Milita Ken.
You must then call Fed Ken a hero, and give him a raise.
Mama Ken: Only feature is understanding of obscure Aerosmith songs.
Is he a bit like Mama Kenass, the overweight singing Ken who died by choking on a ham sandwich?
More like Joe Kenker, who became bi with a little help from his friends.
Kylo-Ken, the first Barbie/Star Wars crossover toy. An Emo-warrior who looks like a young Travolta wearing a Dr. Doom costume and breaks random objects with his light saber unless everything goes his way.
Porn-star Ken.
Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Evangelical Ken.
Comes with bible and gay porn.
Two-and-a-half Ken
Comes with a crazy, HIV-infected, stripper-chaser landlord and a snotty fat kid.
After a few years, Mattel will automatically send out a replacement Ken doll -- Ashken Kutcher -- who is a wisecracking, wealthy computer entrepreneur and is basically practicing for his eventual role in a Steve Jobs biopic.
Ken Greenwald
Just like regular Ken, only with ginormous balls!
Edward Snowken
With even bigger balls than Ken Greenwald!
Ken Snowden -- a polarizing doll who leaks secret Mattel emails that reveal plans to violate children's rights. Parents with a stick up their ass insist this doll should be tried for treason. Comes with mini English-to-Russian dictionary.
Shit! At almost the exact same time Inigo.
Yours was better.
Yeah, well, it was your Ken Greenwald that gave me the idea. Yours is more to the point than mine. 🙂
In any case, I've been laughing my ass off at work all afternoon with this thread.
Ken!
A doll nobody wanted to play with, even after the addition of the exclamation mark.
Yeah, his sales went nowhere, despite a huge marketing budget from toy industry insiders.
Poor Ken! He got totally overshadowed by KRUMP, which appears to be the first uuuuge toy from the reboot of Garbage Pail Kids, an old 80s favorite.
22 eyecolors??????
What would Bernie think?
Ethnically ambiguous Ken.