Welcome back to the Weekly Reason Contest! This week's question is:
In a surprise move, the government revoked its approval process for use of its "grass-fed" beef marketing label. Come up with a new food adjective that yuppies will find irresistible.
How to enter: Submissions should be e-mailed to email@example.com. Please include your name, city, and state.This week, kindly type "YUPPIE" in the subject line. Entries are due by 11 p.m. Eastern Time, Monday, Jan. 25. Winners will appear on Jan. 29. In the case of identical or similar entries, the first one received gets credit. First prize is a one-year digital subscription to Reason magazine, plus bragging rights. While we appreciate kibbitzing in the comments below, you must email your answer to enter the contest. Feel free to enter more than once, and good luck!
And now for the results of last week's contest: After the Wisconsin Interscholastic Athletic Association announced it will no longer allow students or cheerleaders to taunt the other team, we asked you for a new, super-supportive cheer.
THE WINNER (Not that it's important to win, or that Aaron Brown is any more clever than anyone else)
Let's all just participate! — Aaron Brown, New York, NY
SECOND PLACE (Also very good! In no way implies that Robert M., who did not remember to include his last name, city, and state, is any less clever than Aaron, who managed to follow the rules precisely while still being very funny)
We're #1—and so are you! – Robert M.
THIRD PLACE (Which, when you think about it, is almost more prestigious than the others, because third is like the punchline to an otherwise lame joke)
Dave, Dave, he's our man, if he can't do it, it should not be seen as a negative reflection on his inherent worth as a human being, nor as support of the patriarchal notion of competition as a valid basis for entertainment.—Jeffrey Shapiro, Schenectady, NY
HONORABLE MENTIONS (Possibly the best of all!)
"We're very sorry that we scored,
But when you do, we'll be on board!"—Chuck G., Santa Clarita, CA
"That's alright! That's okay! You're going to be employed by us and paid a living wage someday!"—Jay Stenmark, Madison, AL
We don't want to win,
'Cause that would hurt your feelings!
Playing for a tie
Is so much more appealing!
No one has to win!
No one has to lose!
And when we learn the truth,
We can turn to drugs and booze! – Emily Adams
"We sure love you, you are great
(Especially since you're down by eight)!"
"We're legally required, don't you know
by the Wisconsin Interscholastic Athletic Association
to not say you blow
Or micro-aggress by saying your cheerleaders are hos
So … um … happy happy go go go??" — Jim Henshaw ("prolefeed"), Austin, TX
"You can score
If everyone agrees
It all starts
When you say 'please'" (Also doubles as a ditty the kids can hum on dates.)—Bill Fullerton, Dublin, OH
Cheerleaders: We say PROTECT, you say FEELINGS!
Everyone: PROTECT FEELINGS!
We've got manners yes we do!
We've got manners and of course you do too!
We use the word "Pitcher"
Not the phrase "Belly-Itcher" – Tracy Davis, Lawrence, KS
"Come on beat us,
Come on beat us
Come on you!
Please defeat us!"—Chris Meier, Cumberland, WI
"TIE, TEAM, TIE!!" —Ross Levatter, Phoeniz, AZ
"If you had fun, you won."
"Three, five, seven, nine,
Just do your best; we think that's fine."—David J. Edmondson, Washington, D.C.
"You're almost as good as us! Just keep trying!"—Corrie Dyer, London, KY
Two. Four. Six. Eight. We play better but you're still great! – Judy Tashbook-Safern
If you think that's too expensive and requires a government subsidy, stand up and holler—Brad Wood, Atlanta, GA
AND FROM THE COMMENTS:
Let's go everyone! (Clap clap) Let's go everyone! (Clap clap)
Don't choose to lose!
We will, we will hug you!
Ignore that the score is a hundred to three! You are winners and so are we!