weekly contests

Reason Weekly Contest: North Korea's New Motto

Last week's winners revealed.

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Kim Jong Un
Kim Jong Un

Welcome back to the Reason Weekly Contest! This week's question is:

North Korea claims it has detonated a hydrogen bomb. Come up with a new motto for the country.

How to enter: Submissions should be e-mailed to contest@reason.com. Please include your name, city and, state. This week, kindly type "KOREA" in the subject line. Entries are due by 11 p.m. Eastern Time, Monday, January 11. Winners will appear on January 15. In the case of identical or similar entries, the first one received gets credit. First prize is a one-year digital subscription to Reason magazine, plus bragging rights. While we appreciate kibbitzing in the comments below, you must email your answer to enter the contest. Feel free to enter more than once, and good luck!

And now for the results of last week's contest:  We asked you for to come up with a new, culturally neutral name of a food or practice appropriated from another country.

THE WINNER:  

New Year's Resolution = Ciscalendrical Gregoronormative Self-microaggression—David Herbst, Ferndale, MI

SECOND PLACE:

All foreign martial arts will be renamed, "Mindful Maiming."—Christopher P. Brown, Idlewylde, MD

THIRD PLACE:

Chinese, Indian & Mexican food will now simply be called "food."

"Feel like having food tonight?"

"No, that gives me heartburn. Can we do food instead?"

"Whatever you want, my little filthy appropriator."

In addition, phrases like, "I'm going out for Chinese," will be replaced by, "I'm going out for (awkward pause)" followed by a hopeless guilty glance appropriate for such a filthy appropriator.—Matthew Reid, Toronto, ON

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

To restore the dignity of the Finnish people, I propose that we rename the practice of taking a sauna as "Unclothed interpersonal perspiration exchange in a cedar-based environment."—Larry Edelstein, San Francisco, CA

Don't:  Mexican Hat Dance

Do: Generic Hat Dance from Somewhere Else

Don't: Kabuki Theatre

Do: TSA—Colin Blake, Boston, MA

Shampoo (originally from the Hindi), now called follicle edulcorate.—Susan M., Torrance, CA

"Toroidal Roll" (formerly "bagel")—David J Hait, New York, NY

Oriental rugs should become Non-Western rugs.—JF

Karate, Jujitsu, etc.  become "Smakums" —  Jim Noble, Boulder Creek CA

Chipotle:  E. col-ay—Tim Whalen, Manassas, VA

FROM THE COMMENTS:

Beheading infidels—"Official reprimand"

"Mindful separating"

The "Coexist" Haircut

The piñata, which comes to the western world from Europe via Mexico, will hence forth in America be referred to as an Aggression-Powered Candy Dispenser.

Ice Hockey, which comes to the United States from Great Britain via Canada, will hence forth in America be referred to as Frozen Water-Based Grabass.

Churros will have to be referred to as "doughnut sticks"

Karate is now known as Ouch My Balls

"Russian Roulette" will be renamed "hold my beer and watch this."

Sushi: gross fish

Shish kabob: salmonella on a stick

Tai Chi is now, "Pretending to play with a beach ball in slow motion."

NEXT: For Maine Gov. Paul LePage, "Cocaine Negroes" Have Given Way to Horny Heroin Dealers

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    1. North Korea: Developing an H bomb faster than loading reason.com on mobile.

  1. We got da bomb!

    1. It is worse than a hydrogen bomb. Kim Jong-Un ate several gallons of well-aged kimchee the night before. Then he released a massive kimchee flatulence. The North Korean Army has contained said flatulence and will soon threaten to unleash it on the rest of the world.

  2. Don’t know about a motto, but the first two tests are code-named “Ivy Kim” and “Kim Kong”.

  3. Norkuler Superpower!

  4. North Korea: Land of Fusion-Con.

  5. Back to the Fusion!

  6. NK: H-OK!

    or how about..

    North Korea: HO Scale South Korea

    1. *narrows gaze* (on behalf of model train enthusiasts)

    2. North Korea: Who’s brighter at night now, bitch?

    3. North Korea: Our people positively glow.

  7. This seems like news:

    Hillary “smoking gun” email released showing her directing an aide to strip classified markings from something that is still too secret to release, and send it through his private (non-secure) email.

    http://townhall.com/tipsheet/g…..g-n2101680

    1. Seems like that would at least make it more difficult for her to claim incompetence or ignorance, in a just universe anyway

    2. I am beginning to think that Napolitano may be correct. The bitch might have to go to jail.

      1. Orange really IS the new black.

      2. Would love to see Napolitano behind bars, too…

        1. I don’t think you’re talking about the same Napolitano…

          1. Either that or he really likes the judge and is having a prison-sex fantasy.

            1. If the Judge ever goes to prison (let’s hope not), he would definitely win Best Dressed while there.

            2. Awww, you guys…

              1. Feel the Love, Tonio. Feel the Love…

        2. He is not a fan of the hair dye and weight loss.

        3. Would love to see JANET Napolitano behind bars, too…

          Derp. I did think it odd that Janet Napolitano would speculate about that.

      3. She will never even get indicted. The Democrats will never allow their Presidential front-runner to be held accountable. And after she’s President, she controls the Justice Department.

        1. Obama has Clinton indicted after she locks out Sanders. Michelle throws her hat in the wring at the convention to save the party.

          1. Thanks for the new nightmare.

            1. you are so very welcome

          2. Obama has Clinton indicted after she locks out Sanders. Michelle throws her hat in the wring at the convention to save the party.

            Anybody got some brain bleach?

      4. Jail is for the little people.

    3. “You’ll get tps this eve. They’re coming together.”

      She obviously forgot the cover sheet.

    4. And I’m going to lose my bet with my wife. I said there was no way they’d convict her on anything, but this will be hard to dodge.

      1. I think your money is safe. There is no way the Dems allow Hillary to be held accountable, and the media will continue to treat this as a non-story, partisan witch hunt.

        1. It might get to a Ford-esque pardon of “all offenses against the United States which [s]he, has committed or may have committed or taken part in during the period…” But that’ll be due to fears that she has a file of enough dirt on Obama, Holder, Jarrett and everyone else, that would ensure Hillary’d have plenty of company at the gray bar hotel. That’s the only way I can imagine that she hasn’t been indicted yet. Like Obama gives a shit if she wins the Presidency, or whether the Democratic Party goes into oblivion after his reign. He does care about not going to jail himself, however.

          Best part, I imagine this hypothetical file’d be released if she’s convicted or ends up otherwise incapacitated or killed. So if she does stroke out during a debate after being taunted by the Donald’s Hair, everybody would get to go to jail.

          1. I’m trying to imagine the unholy shitstorm if a candidate for Presidency was pardoned DURING THE CAMPAIGN for all offenses, etc.

            The FBI, God help us all, is probably the only hope for justice. If they really are on the verge of a revolt over the failure to indict her, maybe we’ll see some truly damaging leaks, etc.

            An indictment will kill her campaign just as surely as a conviction.

            1. I’d like to think it’d end her campaign, but RC, I don’t think a Ford-type pardon for everything she might have done, would end it.

              I truly don’t think most of her voters would care, even if she were to be convicted of the things we think she’s going to be indicted for. And if they didn’t care about a conviction, why would they care about a preemptory pardon?

    5. Hillary “smoking gun” email released showing her directing an aide to strip…

      Phrasing!

      But seriously, I doubt that this will stick. Team Clinton has a good job of convincing the public that these things are mere baseless partisan attacks that nobody cares.

      1. And the media continues to carry water for her.

    6. Oh, and what’s the FEC deadline for candidates to file? Important to get something to stick before then. They know that Sanders would get trounced in a general election, so if Hill-dog is indicted after that deadline they will stop at nothing to keep her campaign going.

      OTOH, if she can be gotten rid of while there’s still time to nominate someone at least marginally electable (Biden), they they will reluctantly drop her.

      1. Why would we think it’d be Biden, when he already turned down the nomination, and not Warren? Biden’s old as hell, and may actually be brain-damaged at this point.

        I’ve thought that Warren has, politically, all of Hillary’s positives as a candidate, and little of her baggage. She’d be horrific as President of course, although maybe slightly better than Hillary. Faint praise.

    7. “Look, I already answered these questions. No matter what the Republicans drum up, no matter what they make up, I can tell you that I’ve answered every question and went above and beyond what any reasonable person can expect. The fact of the matter is that the American people are more concerned with putting food on the table and keeping their children safe while the Republicans focus on some old emails and making sure the rich get tax breaks and that anybody can walk into your childrens’ school or with an arsenal.”

    8. FTA:

      Remember, Blumenthal was Hillary’s off-the-books intel-gatherer who was paid by the Clinton Foundation. The Obama administration had barred him from official work due to his notoriously checkered ethics [emphasis added].

      How big of a sleaze does one have to be to be barred from official government by the Obama administration due to “checkered ethics”? Holy shit.

    9. Clinton responds “If they can’t, turn into nonpaper [with] no identifying heading and send nonsecure.”

      That is a very serious felony offense. If I had done that when I had a TS/ SCI clearance I would be typing this from a prison cell at Ft. Leavenworth. But of course, laws are for us peons, not the Once and Future Queen.

  8. Change You Can Believe In

  9. Come for the poverty, stay for the oppression!

  10. “We have detonated a hydrogen bomb. And a short fat sociopath in an auto mechanic’s outfit is a literal God. And we invented the hamburger. And our country is the envy of the world. And that talk about periodic mass famines and only half of the population living without electricity, running water or enough food is lies invented by the rest of the world, where people are literally dying in the streets. And we have thousands of border guards ordered to shoot any of our citizens who try to leave this paradise.”

  11. North Korea: Now you take us seriousry.

  12. North Korea: Bask in our glow..

        1. *sputters in indignation*

  13. Can you see us now, NASA?

  14. North Korea: Come See Arec Barrwin!

  15. North Korea: Don’t Be Ronery, Come Visit Us!

    1. You breakin’ my bawrs, Hans Brix!

  16. I don’t know what could possibly be funnier than the real Nork mottos:

    Let the strong wind of fish farming blow across the country!”…

    Let us turn the whole country into a socialist fairyland by the joint operation of the army and people!

    “Should the enemy dare to invade our country, annihilate them to the last man so that none of them will survive to sign the instrument of surrender!”…

    “Let us turn ours into a country of mushrooms by making mushroom cultivation scientific, intensive and industrialized!”

    “Let the strong wind of mushroom country blow across the annihilated enemy fairyland!!”

    Okay the last one is fake, but the others are real.

    1. “Let the people of the Mushroom Kingdom stomp on the Kapitalist Koopas!”

    2. Let us turn ours into a country of mushrooms by making mushroom cultivation scientific, intensive and industrialized!

      Ha, I knew the Mario franchise was racist.

    3. “Let the strong wind of bullshit blow across the country!”

    4. Yep, I had the “fish farm” one in mind too. You really can’t top these.

  17. More like a lie-drogen bomb, am I right?

  18. “Millions for defense, not a penny for food!”

    1. That’s a winner!

  19. North Korea will just appropriate some Eminem:

    We get to beefin’ ain’t no tellin’ at what point it’ll stop
    All I got to do is point to the spot, when the bomb drops
    Boy, does it drop, and when it does, boy, there’s a problem

  20. North Korea: Our military prowess claims are as inflated as our dear leader’s waistline.

  21. OT: That didn’t take long: German vigilante group vows to protect women from migrant attackers as 34 suspects are arrested ? including three for gang-raping two teenagers. “Thousands have pledged their support to a German vigilante group which has vowed to protect women from migrants in the wake of the New Year’s Eve attacks in Cologne. . . . After the group was launched, and gained thousands of followers overnight, a Dusseldorf police spokesman told local media that German police is responsible for public security. He said the police had no problem with people acting bravely in the face of crime but they were against ‘self proclaimed vigilantes’.” Well, then do your job, buddy.

    1. Well, then do your job, buddy.

      He’s not your buddy, pal.

  22. North Korea: Our Army Needs Fed

  23. “Who needs electricity when your entire country can glow in the dark!”

    “North Korea: We only have one obese person in the whole country! Suck it, fatso Americans!”

  24. Ronery no more!

  25. “Our continued existance has doomed South Korea.”

  26. North Korea: Make ’em say Un!(Un!) na-nah na-nah!

  27. I think that salmonella on a stick was mine. I know you guys are jealous, but remember: Don’t hate the player, hate the game!
    Ok, for this week:
    “Me bomb you long time”

  28. If they had food in Mexico, there’d be no immigration problem .

      1. In Mexican cuisine, pain is a food group.

  29. Way to go Lenore! I love this feature.

    Nice to have a new writer who bucks the trend of the invasion of proggy writers at reason.

  30. Economy tanks, leader’s not quite a rocket scientist, but our K-pop is da bomb.

  31. North Korea: Yes We Blew Up A Can.

  32. Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road One
    evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The Driver tried to
    avoid it but couldn’t – the aged bovine was struck and killed.

    Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the
    owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.

    About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes
    in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand,
    a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared
    with lipstick.

    “What happened to you,” asked Hillary?

    “Well,” the driver replied, “the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me
    the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me.”!

    “My God, what did you tell them?” asked Hillary.

    The driver replied, “I just stepped inside the door and said, I’m Hillary
    Clinton’s driver and I’ve just killed the old cow.

    The rest happened so fast I couldn’t stop it.”

    -Sent to me by my late uncle in 2006!!

  33. Isn’t the current “Powerful and Prosperous Nation” enough of a joke?

  34. North Korea: Keep Your Hands Off My Weapons. Don’t Force Government Regulations On Me.

  35. ?Feel the Bern?

  36. Korea: Fuck yeah!

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