Reason Weekly Contest: Offend Those College Students

Last week's winners revealed.

Dreamstime

Welcome back to the Reason Weekly Contest! This week's question is:

With all the furor on campuses, please come up with one non-racist, non-sexist sentence from a college president that will send 99 percent of the students into full-fledged protest mode.

How to enter: Submissions should be e-mailed to [e-mail]. Please include your name, city, and state. This week, kindly type "COLLEGE" in the subject line. Entries are due by 11 p.m. Eastern Time, Monday, Nov. 16. Winners will appear Nov. 20, right here at Reason.com.

In the case of identical or similar entries, the first one received gets credit. First prize is a one-year digital subscription to Reason magazine, plus bragging rights. While we appreciate kibbitzing in the comments below, you must email your answer to enter the contest. Feel free to enter more than once, and good luck!

And now for the results of last week's contest: After a three-part series in The New York Times combed through the multi-paged "terms of agreement" in  credit card and smartphone contracts—finding shenanigans—we asked you for one surprising sentence lurking in the fine print.

THE WINNER:

Creditor reserves the right to demand immediate payment of outstanding debt in small, non-sequential bills passed in a plain bag. Additional instructions will be provided later. If you contact the police or fail to follow all instructions we will kill your family. -- Richard Bradley, Fredericksburg, VA

SECOND PLACE:

User acknowledges that he has not read this agreement. -- Jim Noble, Boulder Creek, CA

THIRD PLACE:

Failure to sign this contract in your own blood will result in forfeiture of first born child; signature in your own blood (properly notarized) will indemnify said first born and establish a perpetual indebtedness on the part of the cardholder to the Dark Lord.  Interest rate may vary from year to year. -- Norm, New Park, PA

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

Use of this card grants the issuer the right of Prima Nocta. -- Mike Spinney, Boston, MA

Yeah, you saw that South Park episode.  You agree to let us try that! -- Wesley Romberger

Comments

[Free Market Socialist $park?]

All I said what that meal was fit for Jehova.

[Swiss Servator]

*looks for packet of gravel*

[sarcasmic]

"You are personally responsible for what happens in your life."

[Free Market Socialist $park?]

Why don't we all sit down and discuss this like adults?

[egould310]

You realize those are student LOOOOAAAANNNNSSSS; loans need to be repaid.

[Doctor Whom]

I remember being told just that, almost verbatim, but those were different times.

[sarcasmic]

You know you're going to have to pay those loans off, so why the fuck are you in here studying liberal arts? Get the fuck out of my classroom and get a degree that will get you a fucking job.

[The Libertarian Laird]

You tell me this now... *glances woefully at an M.A. philosophy*

[Rich]

"I believe I cannot come up with one non-racist, non-sexist sentence that won't send 99 percent of you students into full-fledged protest mode."

[B. Woodrow Chippenhaus]

The school mascot has been changed to the Fighting Muhammeds. We are looking for submissions for the official school logo.

[Rich]

"College President Admits Prophet Motive"

[Swiss Servator]

*blinks several times in rapid succession...stumbles over chair while standing to applaud*

[sarcasmic]

You know, if your gaze wasn't so narrow you wouldn't be blinded by a pun.

[Swiss Servator]

I blame the comentariat.

[Drave Robber]

Now that I think of it, most prophet motives are ultimately profit motives.

[TheZeitgeist]

Beware the prophet who profits

[Citizen X]

It's pro[phe/fi]ts all the way down.

[ant1sthenes]

Oh, submission, I see what you did there.

[Rhywun]

"Merry Christmas."

[Rich]

"Mrs. President and I wish all you people a very Safe and Diverse New Year."

[Swiss Servator]

*scowls, expects to hear "Safe and Diverse New Year" in real life*

[Scarecrow & WoodChipper Repair]

But not too diverse, not in all those wrong ways.

[Juvenile Bluster]

"I believe that our students are smart and capable enough to respond to speech, even hateful speech, with more speech. As a public institution, we are prohibited from disciplining students for speech, even racist or sexist speech."

[grrizzly]

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

[sarcasmic]

nice

[Swiss Servator]

*faints*

[R C Dean]

I think we're done here.

You might also go with this classic:

"I have a dream that my students will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character."

[Suthenboy]

I am judging them by the content of their character. That is what they hate.

[kinnath]

Between these two, you have the answer to every modern political problem.

[Microaggressor]

Individualistic wrongthink is perfect.

I think it was Tony who tried to progsplain why MLK was misguided but his heart was in the right place, or was using the only tools at his disposal, or something. Something really stupid.

[Loki]

Something really stupid.

That goes without saying.

[GILMORE?]

"History is the process of superior, productive cultures eradicating and subjugating inferior, less productive ones, to humankind's collective benefit"

[Swiss Servator]

Heh.

[Zeb]

So I guess Islam is superior after all.

[Swiss Servator]

No, he said "productive".

[GILMORE?]

+ 800million illiterate muslims

[Zeb]

Then maybe history isn't quite as GILMORE describes.

[Swiss Servator]

That wasn't GILMORE...

[Zeb]

Is that a quote I should be familiar with?

[Swiss Servator]

"Final exams will be held as scheduled"

[GILMORE?]

"You kids can believe whatever you want as long as you pay your tuition"

[Rasilio]

No one cares if you identify as a pink fluffy sparkling unicorn with magic faerie wings you still have to pass the test to graduate

[GILMORE?]

"No"

[Scalro Humillimus]

Hello.

[R C Dean]

I think you mean "Hellx", you cis-patriarchial shitlord.

[Swiss Servator]

That was hella good, RC.

[Scalro Humillimus]

I went with the neuter ending. If I really wanted to be mean I would use the masculine Hell.

[Rasilio]

Sticks and stones may indeed break your bones but most people learn that words can't by the time they hit 4th grade so grow up, quit your bitching, and get off my white male cisgendered motherfucking goddamned lawn

[Rasilio]

Nobody gives a damn about your identity

[Juvenile Bluster]

Random thought:

Back in September, at Sam Houston State University (public!), a student made a reference to a cop who had been killed that wasn't entirely copsucking. The campus was in an outrage. People were demanding she be expelled for her speech. She received death threats thanks to the idiots at Breitbart (gawd, that site has gone downhill since Andrew Breitbart died).

I know this doesn't apply to anyone here, but I wonder what percentage of people who blasted her speech are blasting the various college students for their anti-free speech activities, and vice versa.

[tarran]

A bunch. The handful of copsuckers on my facederp feed are all over defending free speech, having forgotten that a week ago they were calling for Quentin Tarrantino to be raped in prison.

[sarcasmic]

Principals, not principles.

[tarran]

It's the way of the world.

[Swiss Servator]

Point that out, in just those words, tarran, should you be spoiling for a fb fight 🙂

[sarcasmic]

Is that like a cripple fight?

[Swiss Servator]

slap fight

[pogi chips for liberty]

Cripple slap fight.

[Citizen X]

All those little flipper hands flailin'.

[Jimbo]

SLAP!

[Zeb]

No. Cripple fights are more fun.

[Swiss Servator]

Bum Fights or GTFO!

[Rufus The Monocled Derp Slayer]

NRO has its fair share of copsuckers. Starting with David French.

[Notorious UGCC]

"As you graduate, you should realize that most of you, during your time here, were wasting your (frequently borrowed) money on dubious classes when you could have done a more reasonable regime of online courses, work-study, even apprenticeships in jobs not requiring a degree...

"Shit, was that thing on? I thought they wouldn't turn on the microphone for my speech for a few more minutes...shouldn't have had so much whiskey before coming on stage...

"So anyway, I meant to say that you're getting the best education in the world here at Ivy U!"

[OneOut]

The entire campus is a free speech zone except for the classrooms..

[Notorious UGCC]

"Avoid bad company, drink moderately or not at all, spend your evenings studying rather than partying, and your chances of getting raped go down like 98%."

[commodious spittoon]

drink moderately or not at all

Well look at Eddie here, sucking all the fun out of the room.

[lap83]

It's my right to have regrettable blackout drunk sex and call it rape the next day!

[Zeb]

I suppose that is technically true.

[lap83]

Personally, I just try to avoid getting blackout drunk with people I don't trust. But I'm weird that way.

[Free Market Socialist $park?]

That's because you're a product of systemic patriarchal oppression.

[Citizen X]

Your lack of trust is problematic!

[Pl?ya Manhattan.]

"Try".

[lap83]

I hang out at lots of fraternity parties, okay? It's impossible to always beat the odds

[Free Market Socialist $park?]

"Hang out"

I'll bet you do, loosey goosey.

[lap83]

Passing out on a strange guy's couch makes me feel empowered

[Free Market Socialist $park?]

You go girl, nobody else has a right to your body.

[Curt]

You are not special. You're not a beautiful and unique snowflake. You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else.

[Curt]

h/t Tyler Durden

[Zeb]

You are a unique snowflake. Snowflakes aren't special, there are trillions of them. When they melt, no one misses them.

[Notorious UGCC]

You're one of the snowflakes which make up Frosty's butt.

[Diane Reynolds (Paul.)]

Interest rate rise inbound. Gotta cool off this overheated economy:

http://www.cnbc.com/2015/11/13.....harts.html

Three-month London copper future prices were also feeling the pain. Prices fell to their lowest in six years at $4,787.50 a ton. LME Copper is now down around 25 percent since January.

It's caused global jitters, as copper is traditionally seen as the "canary in the coalmine" for global growth. However, Julian Jessop, head of commodities research at Capital Economics, said he expects the copper story to improve.

[Notorious UGCC]

"As part of our Celebrate Diversity series, we are inviting Charles Koch, Thomas Sowell, Rick Santorum and George W. Bush to speak on campus this year."

[Notorious UGCC]

"And we're giving an honorary degree to Phyllis Schafly."

[commodious spittoon]

"I read this article on Reason.com..."

[commodious spittoon]

Wait, wait, better yet

"Hi, my name's Robby Soave."

[sarcasmic]

It's a classroom, not an AA meeting.

[Bobarian (Would Chip Her)]

NO LAST NAMES!

"My name is Robby and I'm a derpaholic. I've never graduated from Columbia, and it's ben 15 minutes since I last fixed"

[Diane Reynolds (Paul.)]

That's not ok.

[Curt]

All animals are equal. You are not, in fact, more equal than others.

[MSimon]

You are too stupid to learn without teachers.

[Bobarian (Would Chip Her)]

You are also, apparently, too stupid to learn with teachers.

[GILMORE?]

This contest could probably be won by a random selection of any Iowahawk tweets from his #NationalOffendACollegeStudentDay campaign

e.g.

" David Burge ?@iowahawkblog Nov 11

Sane societies are pleased when others appropriate their culture
#NationalOffendACollegeStudentDay

David Burge ?@iowahawkblog Nov 10

If you don't like being ridiculed, stop being ridiculous.
#NationalOffendACollegeStudentDay

David Burge ?@iowahawkblog Nov 10

You entered as an ignorant freshman. You will exit arrogant, stupid, and $100k in debt. #NationalOffendACollegeStudentDay

David Burge ?@iowahawkblog Nov 10
No matter how many feelings you have, they're still not worth anything.
NationalOffendACollegeStudentDay

[GILMORE?]

"David Burge ?@iowahawkblog Nov 10

"Having your own truth" is commonly diagnosed as schizophrenia.
#NationalOffendACollegeStudentDay"

[Spartacus]

If this could only be merged with Everybody Draw Mohammed Day, it would probably cause the universe to explode.

[NYC2AZ]

"You entered as an ignorant freshman. You will exit arrogant, stupid, and $100k in debt. #NationalOffendACollegeStudentDay"

Burns so bad because it's true.

[Rich]

The man is a National Treasure.

[R C Dean]

Twitter was made for him.

[Notorious UGCC]

"The students are going to *love* this new statue of Robert E. Lee that we're erecting in front of the administration building."

"But, sir, we're in Minnesota."

"You're right, maybe I should open another can of Scotch and think about this some more."

[Notorious UGCC]

"What, *all* the cool college presidents make decisions on that basis!"

[Raven Nation]

Can of Scotch?

That is beyond triggering. Serving someone that would almost be grounds for justifiable homicide.

Of course, I'm also the kind of person who rolls their eyes when someone asks "do you prefer single-malt or blended Scotch?"

[Citizen X]

The correct answer is "Yes."

[Zeb]

There is a place for all kinds of whisky (and whiskey) in this world.

I think can of scotch is a fine idea.

[Swiss Servator]

I'd have to try a six pack or two....to make an informed decision.

[Citizen X]

One man isn't a large enough sample size, so i'll join you. For science!

[Swiss Servator]

*raises can of Scotch in a toast*

"To Science!"

[The Libertarian Laird]

Tip (from personal experience): Scotch from a plastic bottle that proudly states "aged 36 months" is to be avoided.

[Scalro Humillimus]

General Lee demands S'more Schnapps to keep his troops on the march.

[Notorious UGCC]

Technically, *Grant* was the drunk one, but for purposes of the joke...

[Zeb]

Didn't see that South Park episode?

[Mongo]

Heinz ketchup will now be replaced by Hunt's catsup in the cafeteria.

[Spartacus]

"We hire the most qualified faculty and staff, regardless of race or religion."

[Princess Trigger]

All services must be paid for, before consumption.
We have some lovely subsidized loans to assist in your payment.
[sucker]

[Aloysious]

You are not a princess, you are not a special snowflake; now get to work..

[NYC2AZ]

"I need more #SafeSpace."

[Suthenboy]

Dammit. Yum. But....ARs?

[Notorious UGCC]

"We've revived our ROTC program, and we've invited some officers from the Israeli Defense Forces to watch the maneuvers and give the students some pointers."

[tarran]

LOL!!!! Can you imagine the shitstorm.

[grrizzly]

Our Tonio would be delighted.

[GILMORE?]

"Some ideas are so stupid that only intellectuals believe them."

? George Orwell

[widget]

That Indian dude who runs khanacademy should be have his business adviser impaled for making me log into the FacebookGooglePlex.

https://www.khanacademy.org/

I know he wants to pay the rent and go to the grocery store, but there's just gotta be a better way to do that.

[Notorious UGCC]

"That reminds me of a joke..."

[Princess Trigger]

A SJW, a Black Man and a Latinx walk into a bar...

[Free Market Socialist $park?]

Have a blessed day, friend.

[GILMORE?]

""As President of this University, I care deeply about what you students think.... because I am paid very well to say how much I care. I can assure you that absolutely no one else cares at all."

[pogi chips for liberty]

"Let us bow our heads in prayer."

[Crusty Juggler]

Taylor Swift is better than Beyonce.

[Citizen X]

You have gone TOO FAR.

[GILMORE?]

+ 1 Yeezy Boost 350

[lap83]

I actually agree with that

[GILMORE?]

"None of your lives matter: your ability to pay bills matters"

[Jerry Smith]

"Here's the thing about donkey porn..."

[MSimon]

Because of equal opportunity we will be forming a white students union.

[Crusty Juggler]

I should be able to have access to your cell phone.

[Diane Reynolds (Paul.)]

Guaranteed contest winner:

Boo!

What do I win?

[Crusty Juggler]

Leggings are not pants.

[Rufus The Monocled Derp Slayer]

Of course. Everyone knows long-johns are pants.

[Zeb]

Shhh. You don't want them to know that.

[Rufus The Monocled Derp Slayer]

"I hear all-gendered Mexicans like ass-sex. Is this true? I'm asking for a Chinese friend who bathes in garlic."

"Would you like to go out for a coffee sometime?"

[Agammamon]

1. For the safety of our students, we are removing all current weapon restrictions on campus.

2. The Student Union and all student activities will be funded through voluntary donations.

3. This university opposes cultural appropriation in all its forms. If you're not European-descended, get the fuck out.

[Agammamon]

4. 'Good afternoon'.

[Free Market Socialist $park?]

Gender and sex are meaningless adjectives. As such, we will be combining all student athletes into one team for each sport. We wish you all well in your tryouts.

[Loki]

"Kindly take your piddly-assed problems down the hall to someone who gives a damn!"

[Crusty Juggler]

Tattoos are a pathetic attempt to manufacture a personality.

[Diane Reynolds (Paul.)]

I thought they were a way to manufacture regret.

[Rich]

Obligatory

[Diane Reynolds (Paul.)]

Huh, that's relatively small compared to some of the ones I've seen.

[Rufus The Monocled Derp Slayer]

/Furiously tries to erase tattoo of Chinese characters from arm with eraser.

"I don't even know what it means!"

[Swiss Servator]

"Kung Pao Beef Special"

[Free Market Socialist $park?]

Whoa! Kung POW!

/Kramer

[Diane Reynolds (Paul.)]

Interesting you have a picture of an Asian kid in a school.

Asians could teach American kids a thing or five thousand about discipline, learning, and capitalism.

[Rich]

Good you didn't say "ten thousand things".

That would have been RACIST!

[Princess Trigger]

Sure. Flaunting their Asian Privilege.
All good grades and Tiger Moms.
[model minority will rule you]

[Diane Reynolds (Paul.)]

I for one welcome our new Chinese Overlords.

The other day, a friend of texted me, asking for the Chinese word for "I surrender"

I gave him the Chinese word for "thank you".

[Aloysious]

"Yeonmi Park thinks all you spoiled college students are complete weaklings."

[lap83]

"For all students with grievances I have an open door policy, just look for the nearest red exit sign"

[Citizen X]

+1 Egress

[Free Market Socialist $park?]

That should be egrex.

[Citizen X]

Ugh, sorry everybody*. I regret the pain that my non-inclusive language may have caused to vomitoria of all genders. In penance i will say 10 Hail Noams and express my intention that, if i currently held any academic positions, i would resign from them effective immediately.

*also includes non-bodied persons

[Free Market Socialist $park?]

Your use of the word 'persons' is othering to furs and otherkin.

[Crusty Juggler]

Nikki is not the worst.

[The Shrubber's Woodchipper]

Don't expect me to police your choice of Halloween costume.

[Jimbo]

"You kids have it so easy these days!"

[Jerryskids]

*AHEM* I already posted this yesterday. Were you not paying attention?

[Person of Pallor]

In order to ensure the safety and security of our students: Course "SSP 520: Advanced Nap-time" has been canceled. Your security blankets remain university property and must be returned regardless of any emotional attachment.

[lap83]

"This safe space may be monitored or recorded for quality assurance purposes"

[Crusty Juggler]

I love mayonnaise.

[Free Market Socialist $park?]

And I'll bet you hate brown mustard.

[lap83]

I don't know if I've ever been more triggered

[Free Market Socialist $park?]

I always feel powerful when I wear my black shoes.

[Real American]

Amen.

[Real American]

I don't care.

[Unicorn Abattoir]

The university's legal staff has determined that it is not exactly legal to place shock collars on students that do not completely agree with the prevailing campus ideology.

The faculty regrets this finding, and has asked that the president commit ritual suicide in the quad.

[Gilbert Martin]

How about this one:

You are not the center of the Universe.

[Zeb]

Strictly speaking, everything is the center of the universe.

[Citizen X]

Especially, and in a gravitational sense, your mom.

[Sevens]

"Also, Tim Hunt will do some comedy."

[Sevens]

"We've got cocoa, but we're out of cuddly blankets.

[HazelMeade]

With all the furor on campuses, please come up with one non-racist, non-sexist sentence from a college president that will send 99 percent of the students into full-fledged protest mode.

"Perhaps we shouldn't regulate Halloween costumes."

[HazelMeade]

With all the furor on campuses, please come up with one non-racist, non-sexist sentence from a college president that will send 99 percent of the students into full-fledged protest mode.

"Perhaps we shouldn't regulate Halloween costumes."

[HazelMeade]

"Three generations of imbeciles are enough."

[Notorious UGCC]

The finding of imbecility in the Carrie Buck case was BS, cooked up by eugenicists with the unethical collusion of Carrie Buck's own lawyer. Carrie Buck was no more an imbecile than Oliver Wendell Holmes, and she was a lot nicer of a person.

[Notorious UGCC]

See below for the correct link

[Notorious UGCC]

Maybe I'm the imbecile

[Aloysious]

*sighs heavily at Tundra.*