School Wants Teen Charged with Assault for Tossing Baby Carrot at Teacher

Assault with a carrot



A 14-year-old girl was suspended from school for a month and faces possible assault and battery charges for playfully throwing a baby carrot at one of her former teachers.

The speeding salad staple hit the teacher's forehead—but that wasn't the girl's intention, she said. Rather, she was just trying to get the teacher's attention.

According to WTVR, Aliya May threw the vitamin-packed projectile at her teacher when she passed her in the hall at Moody Middle School in Henrico County, Virginia:

"I don't even know how to combat the stupidity," Karrie May, whose 14-year-old daughter Aliya is currently suspended for launching the vegetable, said. May said her daughter has been out of school for a month.

"I don't understand this," May said. "Yes, it happened, and I can see a couple of days in school detention or even a couple days out-of-school suspension.  But this goes way beyond that. We have to go to court, and her charges aren't small: assault and battery with a weapon." …

"If it's a soft carrot, it may not be as offensive," said CBS 6 legal expert Todd Stone.  "But if it's a raw carrot, you don't have to have an injury or show you were hurt to prove a battery. It just has to be an offensive, vindictive touch. That's what the law says."

Alas, it was not a soft carrot. And so, in the school's view, the carrot is a weapon, and was used to commit assault and battery.

While the school refused to comment on the case, Aliya's mom told the TV station that the school's disciplinary review board had asked Aliya to admit her guilt, but the girl declined.  Says CBS 6, "Now mom said they await a summons to see what happens next."

Aliya could be in for a root awakening. She's missing a lot of school in the meantime.

NEXT: A High School Teacher Stood Up Her Students' Free Speech Rights. She Got Suspended.

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  1. Get your kids out of public school. Do whatever it takes to make that happen.

    1. This is the lesson to be learned here. Not only will they be less likely to graduate highschool without a criminal record to start their lives they might actually have and education instead of an indoctrination.

    2. That won’t help if the state charges her for assault and battery (with a nutritious weapon?), since that would apply to students in private schools as well.

      1. I have changed my mind after reading more.

        This girl deserves prison.

        Michelle Obama has strived to teach kids to eat better so they won’t have big butts.

        Well we can’t have small tight butts if kids are throwing their carrots rather than eating them.

        To the dungeons with her I say. The dungeons.

        1. The dungeons are too good for her.

          To the oubliette.

        2. Michelle Obama has strived to teach kids to eat better so they won’t have big butts.

          If that were true, how the fuck have the Obamas overwhelmingly won the Black vote for the past 2 elections? Riddle me that, Batman.

          1. So you cannot lie… and all those other brothers cannot deny?

  2. Missing a lot of school should be viewed as a feature, not a bug.


  3. The reason that Bernie was right when he said a college degree was the same as a highschool degree back in the fifties is because no one would have wasted a carrot back in the fifties.

  4. “”If it’s a soft carrot, it may not be as offensive,” said CBS 6 legal expert Todd Stone.

    Its moments like this that make me glad i never became a lawyer.

    1. Someone’s gotta grab “soft carrot” for a band name. Or a screen name.

      1. Done

      2. Make it “Offensive Soft Carrot” and you’re on.

    2. If he were a lawyer they probably would have called him a lawyer, rather than a “legal expert”.

      1. Had they used “lawyer” it would have confusingly suggested that he was CBS 6’s lawyer.

  5. I wonder if Reason and FOX just scour the Internet for an outrageous story in the hope that it proves some overarching point. It doesn’t.

    This case is the perfect example of two sides who need to come to an understanding, and which in most cases they will. It doesn’t rise in any way to national importance. The only reason it’s here is to rile up a base.

    Stupid things happen all the time, including by libertarians. It’s a poor substitution for discussion of public policy.

    1. There sure are a lot of isolated anecdotes about public schools ratcheting up minor disciplinary disputes – ratcheting them up to 11.

      Of course, this isn’t as outrageous as the assault-tart suspension. It’s customary to discipline students who throw hard objects at teachers. Criminal charges, though, not so much.

      These local anecdotes pile up.

      1. I mean, a rock or a brick – yes, I can see criminal charges.

        But a carrot?

        1. Low-level misbehavior in school is often criminal – but that doesn’t mean they used to prosecute every such crime.

          I suspect that as school discipline has grown more due-process-y, and as discretion is demonized as racist and sue-able, they’re going more into criminal prosecution.

          1. pipeline to prison

            too large a percentage of students having a rap sheet for school misbehaviors before kids enter the adult world

            During my first marriage my stepson and a couple of his buddies who all layed football beat up a couple of punky kids who were physically beating a little friend of their. He was the smallest boy in the school but his sister was a cheerleader and pretty as a picture. Soem older bullies had him on the ground and the football players saw it and intervened.

            They were arrested. Fucking arrested for doing the right thing. When he was before the judge I asked to speak and stood up for him in court. I reminded the judge that back in our day these boys would be considered the good guys for protecting the little guy from the bullies. He agreed and then still sentenced my step son to community service.

            What the fuck. The world has turned upside down,. Nothing. Nothing at all happened to the first guys who were beating up little Patrick but the clean cut footall players had to go go to court and now have rap sheets.

            1. “layed football”? Were they also throwing vitamin-packed projectiles?

              1. Your intellectual disection of my post really cut to the quick.



            1. No. No, he has not.

              1. chill

                1. the

                  1. heck

                    1. out

                    2. Actually, I might have corrected my multi-posting behavior by now if certain people didn’t freak out in such a pleasing way.

                    3. you can post FUCK, notGKC.

                    4. I often break my posts up. My Samsung is horrendous to type with. The spell check will even change words that are spelled correctly. I have to fix every other word and still miss correcting a lot of them. Then there are the times you hit submit and the site locks up. I’m not going through all that typing out a long post just to lose it.

                    5. I’ve never noticed you do that AJB.

                      But that very well could be because I like you and despise Eddie.

                    6. Lol:)

                    7. “But that very well could be because I like you and despise Eddie.”

                      I better not tell F d’A I bathe and use deodorant – to avoid the guilt by association, he’d turn into Pig Pen from Peanuts.

            2. I never knew that style counted for points here at Reason.

              No fucking wonder I’m not in the clique !

              1. Trust me, being one of the cool kids is not as fun as it seems.

              2. Is there a clique? How do I sign up?

    2. joe once had a carrot thrown at him. He also tried to press charges, but the judge told him he was too short to have standing.


      Thank you, I’ll be here all week. Don’t forget to tip FoE, it’s his only income.

      1. Remember how joe actually was a substitute teacher for a while? How pathetic, right? What a stupid asshole.

        1. I wonder if his students used to push him around because they were all taller than him. My guess is a resounding yes.

          1. Oh, there’s no chance that they ever gave him the slightest bit of respect. How could they?

            1. Good point. It’s impossible to respect joe. He’s too pathetic for respect. I wonder how drunk he is already today?

              1. Not drunk at all, just an overreaching asshole.

    3. You don’t think the fact that the justice system will allow the full weight of the state against a 14 year old girl because she threw a raw baby carrot at someone is a problem? I think that’s more of a testimony to your values (or lack thereof) than it is a defense of the school.
      Yes, she probably won’t actually go to jail. However, the girl (or rather the girl’s family) will have to spend time and resources to deal with lawyers and the justice system for something that could have easily (not to mention cheaply) been taken care of by the school by just telling her to stop playing with her food.

      1. So, Reason is no engaged on the righteousness of school suspensions of teenagers. Let me ask you, how many high school suspensions do you think are handed out in a week, and how many are frivolous? Talk about a nanny, that’s the role Reason is playing here. Let these people work it out for themselves. I’m sur they can. There isn’t any underlying issue here that rises to the level of national importance. It’s pandering at best.

        1. OMFG are you short.

          It’s not a suspension dumbass. They are pressing criminal charges.

          1. At this point, joe is too drunk to read, as you can see.

            1. You think that’s the alcohol causing the poor reading comprehension?

        2. If only Hillary had thrown a carrot at Ambassador Stevens, we could have nailed her for a real crime.

    4. Hi Joe!!!!!

    5. Shorter Joe (not that that’s possible): “Move along; nothing to see here.”

    6. Needs more pompous beard-stroking

      All you’re doing is saying, “I don’t think things highlighting the stupidity of the progressive-liberal nanny state are interesting”… whereas you have absolutely no problem with President Obama inviting the fake-clock-maker Ahmed Mohammed to the White House over a purely ginned-up tale of Islamophobic school panic.

      We get it joe. We got your hypocritical partisan whining schtick years and years ago. For the love of god, fuck off and die already. No one cares what you think.

      1. I was gonna make a post Obama inviting the girl to the White House, but figured I’d read through the thread first. I can’t read any further, though, as it’s almost time to find out what Quinn does to Carrie, so Ima just ask now if this isn’t further proof that we need common sense comprehensive vegetable laws to prevent this type of thing.

        1. No more assault carrots with more than ten fronds and those orange things that stick down.

        2. It is sort of absurd that there were millions of people crying “INJUSTICE!!” just a few weeks ago when a kid brought ‘something vaguely threatening’ to school and the enforcement-over-reaction went into predictable effect…

          …yet the same instance can occur 1000 times a day in far less excusable ways, and not only does one seems to think its a “problem” – they fucking cheerlead it.

          Its the prog mind at work

      2. No, no GIlmore, I really care what he thinks. I just don’t have any evidence, from what he posts here, that such activity occurs.

    7. You don’t help two sides come to an understanding by starting the conversation with criminal charges.

      Food fights were a regular occurrence when I was a kid in Jr. High. No one was charged, or threatened to be charged because they threw food at another person.

      Try harder to be less of a Nazi.

  6. “the school’s disciplinary review board had asked Aliya to admit her guilt, but the girl declined.”

    As she should, if she’s facing criminal charges.

    1. But you know damn well that’s why they are being hard-asses about this. The peon didn’t grovel and lick their boots. It’s all about setting an example. Either she grovels and sets an example for the other sheep to fall in line too, or she refuses in which case she becomes an example of how badly the state can crush you, ie., fall in line again.

  7. If anyone’s interested in losing their faith in humanity, go to the provided link and have a look at the comments. Sheesh.

  8. Give the faculty training on how to defend themselves from attacks with vegetable matter weapons.

    Is the teacher the one who is pressing charges? I wonder if there is some history that we are not being told about, because no one sane should pursue this through the criminal justice system otherwise.

    1. Picture caption: “Mom will love these!”

    2. “vegetable matter weapons.”

      I lame Michelle Obama. If not for her the little girl woud have been forced to throw a sloppy joe and as we all know that isn’t as dangerous as an uparmored battle hardened carrot.

      1. vegetable matter weapons


        1. uparmored baby carrots are no laughing matter !


    3. Give the faculty training on how to defend themselves from attacks with vegetable matter weapons.

      Fresh fruit not good enough for you, eh? Well let me tell you something my lad! When you’re walking home tonight and some great homicidal maniac comes after YOU with a bunch of loganberries, don’t come cryin’ to me

    4. “Give the faculty training on how to defend themselves from attacks with vegetable matter weapons.”

      Monty Python already did an instructional skit on this.

      1. Oops, I missed Bill D’s reference. How embarrassing.

  9. Story comments:

    Barbara Chasteen Daniels

    Finally! A school that cares about the teacher. The student is old enough to be held accountable for her behavior.
    2 ? October 23 at 2:44pm

    Barbara Greaves
    It may only be a baby carrot today, but tomorrow it may be a stone or heaven forbid a gun. There should be more respect for teachers and it should start in the home. I am not saying the 14 year old should be in prison but strong message should be sent to her and other would-be assailants that teachers and adults should not have to take this treatment without recourse. Whether it is a fine or community service or some other action is up to the teacher and the court system.
    3 ? October 23 at 9:38am

    Sylvia Edmonds

    Raise your child at home and then they will know how to act in public…where is the joke in a child throwing anything at an adult…
    4 ? October 23 at 6:03am

    Priscilla Shadden

    Anyone who believes the girl didn’t mean to hit the teacher is just stupid. She most certainly meant to do exactly what she did, and the fact it hit the teacher in the forehead tells me she has done stuff like that before. “Baby” carrots are often not baby at all. Most are medium sized ones cut in short lengths, and they are HARD until they’re cooked! The girl deserves the assault charge!!!

    1. This child, or should I say monster, should be locked up.

    2. “Carrots are gateway weapons! Stop the process before it gets to guns!!”

      1. Why would they stop at guns? Can’t you see this is heading straight to WMD’s?

        1. I’ll bet the young Saddam Hussein threw carrots!

          1. At least he never cut down a cherry tree…. or participated in The Crusades.

    3. The good folks at The Onion must get bored and spend time commenting on other websites…

    4. Good little Eichmanns.

    5. This, my friends, is what is standing between us and libertopia.

      1. An insurmountable barrier. People are too wedded to authoritarianism.

        1. They do love a good punishment. Burn the witch! Burn her!

      2. Other people. Lots of other people…

    6. Barbara Greaves
      It may only be a baby carrot today, but tomorrow it may be a stone or heaven forbid a gun.

      Yep, almost every day you hear another news story about a kid tossing a gun at a teacher to get their attention. *nods head sagely*

  10. I can see a couple of days in school detention or even a couple days out-of-school suspension.

    Fuck, no. The appropriate response for this is to just warn the kid not to do it again, or else fling a spoonful of potato salad back in her direction.

    When bureaucrats forget what constitutes actual danger, perhaps they should be reminded with some tar and feathers.


    1. No. She should get a spanking from her father ( well she might be too old for that ) and then made to apoligize publically to the teacher.

      The criminal justice system should never be involved because now this junior high school student will face the rest of her life being “on paper”.

      1. We used to just have too write things a thousand times.

        1. I will not throw tubers at my teacher.
          I will not throw tubers at my teacher.
          I will not throw tubers at my teacher.

            1. Ahhhhhhhhh! FINE!

              I will not throw root vegetables at my teacher.
              I will not throw root vegetables at my teacher.
              I will not throw root vegetables at my teacher.

        2. To, too, two.
          To, too, two.
          To, too, two.
          To, too, two.
          To, too, two.
          To, too, two.
          To, too, two.
          To, too, two.

          1. Don’t forget “tu” – let’s not be languagist here

      2. She should get a spanking from her father

        Up against the wall, you kinky pedo shitlord!


    2. You’ve never taught kids that age, I see. If you let something like this go, it’s over… all the kids will throw stuff at you and you will never be respected again.

      That said, prosecuting the kid for assault is going way overboard.

      1. Ha ha ha! Yeah, I’m sure this teacher has won the respect of every kid in the school where she teaches. I would bet that she will regret this more than anything she’s ever done – and probably never be able to eat a carrot again without remembering.

        1. And she probably won’t go a day without a carrot being left on her desk.

  11. I for one feel free to range all over the place with root comments about all y’all commentaters who ignore the punny part. I leaf with a sad (artichoke) heart.

  12. Barbara Greaves
    It may only be a baby carrot today, but tomorrow it may be a stone or heaven forbid a gun.

    Damn. Baby carrots are gateway weapons now.

    1. I know carrots is how I got into the shooting sports. #CarrotsTodayColtsTomorrow

    2. When are we finally going to have the courage to stand up to the vegetable lobby and start a national dialogue on common-sense baby carrot control?

      A national baby carrot registry and the elimination of the roadside farm stand loophole would be a good place to start

    3. Barbara Greaves was struck by a baby carrot once, and she was left permanently brain damaged.

    4. “Barbara Greaves
      It may only be a baby carrot today, but tomorrow it may be a stone or heaven forbid a gun.”

      Ms. Greaves seems to think throwing is the proper use for a gun.

  13. Tossing the carrot is a (minor) violent act. Whether the target is a teacher or another student (food fight!), the behavior is not acceptable, and should be handled accordingly, in line with a reasonable school discipline policy. Especially if there was no injury, there is absolutely no need to involve the police or criminal justice system. The fact that the parties are even talking about such a thing is ridiculous.

    Incidents such as these, and the institutional policies and staff attitudes that lead to them, are driving more parents and their kids out of the public system every day. Who can blame the refugees and refuseniks of this terrible system?

  14. Wonder what a woodchipper would do to a carrot? I think we all know.

    Wonder what a woochipper would to to a teacher? I’d like to find out. We now have a candidate.


    1. #Subpoena’d

  15. “If it’s a soft carrot, it may not be as offensive,” said CBS 6 legal expert Todd Stone. But if it’s a raw carrot, you don’t have to have an injury or show you were hurt to prove a battery. It just has to be an offensive, vindictive touch.”

    Hey, Todd — what if it’s a bunch of raw carrot greens?

  16. The American orthodoxy is compiled from ratty Republican and Democrat puddles percolating with weak ethics and slow useless methods intermingling like stars in the outverse eating each others asses every light year of every millennial until this thing implodes a trillion years from now. In the meantime, America could be as witless and asinine and shitty as Washington’s best friendo on the planet called Saudi Arabia and since this isn’t the case I guess this little sweetie should be lucky she isn’t getting rocks tossed at her forehead until it bleeds out into empty veins. We don’t have actual rocks flung from retarded fingers here we just think it’s OK for mentality-erased walking dipshit clovers in the teaching unions to heave hypothetical stones that ruin the lives of minor fuckwits carrot-tossers.

    Gee, America is a fucking sweet hell. But still better than a billion carrots from space crashing into the forehead of Las Vegas I guess.

  17. “If it’s a soft carrot, it may not be as offensive,” said CBS 6 legal expert Todd Stone. “But if it’s a raw carrot, you don’t have to have an injury or show you were hurt to prove a battery. It just has to be an offensive, vindictive touch. That’s what the law says.”

    The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers.

    1. There are a few lawyers on H&R. Can we be spared?

      1. Absolutely not. In fact, ProL is first up against the wall.

    2. Does being in law school count? I haven’t yet earned my license to steal.

      1. CW, I like you…I’ll keel you last. 😉

        1. I just hope you don’t think I’m a funny guy…

          1. Punk-ass line readers that hang with Libertarians are sweet fucks. Bar none.

            1. The Jesus of punk-ass line readers is that glorious fuck the pope. What a load of juicy brains dripping with superwoman milk. That was intended to be a compliment- but if discerned incorrectly could strike the punk-ass Jesus of line readers as an offhand sleight. Nicht!

              1. The pope is severe shorthand for popehat.

      2. How many of us law students are on H&R? I mean, it bodes well for the future of humanity, but still…

        1. If you count the law students and the lawyers, you’d eliminate like half of the regulars here.

          1. There’s something about law that pushes people either to absolute totalitarianism or to libertarianism. There’s aren’t many moderates in law.

            1. Don’t even mention jury nullification. You’d be a pariah like me.

              1. I wrote a paper on how public education is a dumpster fire because the government runs it instead of the churches, and the professor critiqued from a feminist lens. I’m just happy I wasn’t expelled.

                1. “I wrote a paper on how public education is a dumpster fire because the government runs it instead of the churches, and the professor critiqued from a feminist lens.”

                  That could have been amusing, in a Sokal sort of way.

    3. Lawyers that survive the woodchippers should be given gold medals.

    4. This right here is why the next SCOTUS opening should be filled by somebody like Mike Rowe. Enough of the lawyers and their angels-on-headpins arguments, time for somebody with some common sense that interprets the law using the English language as she is generally understood.

  18. I think Sunday night on this lovely production should always involve a short note type article about a human or humans being attacked, eaten, or killed by some sort of wild animal. Someone has to cheer for bears and tigers that eat idiot vegans or NYC urban chest-thumpers who hate guns frolicking among the dangerous mountains. Nothing against people who only eat shit that sprouts. It’s just the fucking Berkeley piss-ass google attitude I want eaten by bears.

  19. When I was a kid, we had a teacher throw an eraser at a girl. He got suspended a couple days, but no charges.

    1. We got hit with erasers all the time. Never even considered there was anything wrong with that.

    2. We had a substitute maybe 4th grade. Old as dirt and meaner than hell. Broke a ruler across a kids face. Not sure what if anything happened to her.

    3. When I was in high school I saw a bitch ass nigga slap my algebra teacher in the face so hard she fell on the floor and cried. Nothing happened. But I felt sorry for her for years after and her butt was shaped very strangely. When she would turn into the board and chalk crap I actually thought her ass was impossible for trig to solve. But she was cute for her age and the nigga’s constantly made her cry which was awful for me since I sat next to her desk and my feet were always wet.

      Old school teachers are nothing like new school noodle heads. Old school teachers were battleships with giant acid hearts wrapped in marshmallows. New school teachers are like molten steel spitting and spilling from molten edges off an Ohio foundry mold and turning into imaginably unmovable thin speckles of tungsten that seems fucking badass until you flick it. Shatter mama!!! Fell into pieces- need the laws!!

      1. You should become a teacher and share whatever drugs you take with your students. 🙂

        1. The state would rape my asshole with its DEA girls.

          1. That sounds…intriguing.

    4. I was a legend in my elementary school for my teacher attacking me. There were kids 6 years behind me who had heard about the time she threw me down the stairs. Which didn’t happen, even if she did attack me.

      1. In high scholl some kid in my class was cracking jokes about a holocaust documentary we were watching in class. The teacher who was a hothead anyways walked to the back were he was sitting picked him up out of his chair and slammed him into the wall. Then took him out in the hall. Not sure what transpired then. Also, teacher was white as was most of the school, kid was black. I do think he got in some sort of trouble but don’t really remember it that well.

        1. I witnessed tons of slammings delivered by teachers and students on each other. School after elementary in inner city Toledo was essentially raggedy books, homework, and people of all ages trying to break each other’s necks and buttholes.

        2. Back in the day when I was in elementary school most teachers had paddles to swat kids as punnishment. My 6th grade teacher kept hers on top of a locker in the room.

          One day one of the smart ass kids took it home after class and burnt it – all but the handle which he left whole – to a cinder. The next morning he snuck the remains of her paddle into class and replaced it with the handle sticking out as usual. He purposely did something that he knew she would instinctually want to swat him for. The entire class knew what was coming and burst out laughing when she pulled down the stub of her precious paddle.

  20. Aliya could be in for a root awakening.

    Boo this woman!

  21. My German teacher hit me with a piece of chalk once. If memory serves he threw it to make an example of some point of grammar or vocabulary.

  22. Headline would read better: “14 year old swings semi flaccid tuberous root in teacher’s wincing face”.

    1. I might have to rethink my foreplay

      1. I consider the damp hanky over the mouth foreplay. But I’m a romantic.

        1. That fact that you put forth the effort shows you really care.

  23. I make up to $90 an hour working from my home. My story is that I quit working at Walmart to work online and with a little effort I easily bring in around $40h to $86h? Someone was good to me by sharing this link with me, so now i am hoping i could help someone else out there by sharing this link… Try it, you won’t regret it!……


  24. Goddamn, MTV sure loves those preachy antismoking propaganda vignettes commercials.

    1. MTV lost its way Seedy Bubble U. MTV invented the machine that cracked the necks of old people with dead brains with fingers on levers of power and now they are like Comedy Central… fucking progressive, boring, and ultra-fucking shitty.

      1. I agree, Agile. MTV was supposed to be rebellious. How is toeing the government’s line supposed to be that?

        1. Lovely Saw people into Doubles while the mysterious you watches, MTV is modern day toilet paper on a screen. Democratic Gawker/Salon/Mother Jones types who all write for that shitty fucking crap fuck called Comedy Central have guaranteed that great shit is over for minds. Everything these people create is fast becoming eye-rolling leftist bullshit and channel ending button mashing that I wish was attached to a goddamn nuclear bomb. I mash a button for Comedy Central crap… bitch goes up in smoke… I mash a button for MTV whining… MTV whining goes up in smoke… all hypothetical of course o mo…. Smoke is code for Jesus Christ spilling seed into the throats of people I just smoked… goddamn take me to court on this shit you motherfucking federal fucks…. Jesus just spermed in the mouths of shitty progressives based on my smoking finger punch….

  25. How can you have any pudding if you don’t eat your carrots?

    1. If you smash the head of the owner of bakery in with a hammer you can step over his twitching body and get pudding.

      1. Hey you behind the bikesheds, stand still laddy!
        I don’t need no arms around me, and I have seen the writing on the wall.

        1. I fucked a bikeshed with my massive cock one day under the rains and all the bikes timidly gathered and sucked my cock with their sweet tires and their frames groaned with emergent bike frame titties and I cam a gear full of cum but christ bloody fucking christ I like me some nipples.

  26. Carrots are nigga potatoes in disguise which are far fucking larger than their fucking whore d’evourish counterparts. This teach was smacked in the head with a leaden ghetto potato ball camouflaged as an orange sugarish tit. Teach got tanked by the goddamn ghetto tater. If all the carrots didn’t act so goddamn orange they could all be niggas thuggin the goddamn fryer! Bitch ass carrot is a suger nipple.

  27. If that teacher had any sense of humor, s/he would have said “Wabbits wove cawwots.” or “Of course you realize, this means war!”

    1. “If that teacher had any sense of humor”

      she would be on the endangered species list.

  28. If ye don’t eat yer carrots ye can’t have any pudding!

    1. Hey!

      1. Oops

        1. But I wrote that in a better Scottish accent.

          1. True.

  29. Hit and run punch is the beast out crunk breach baby flail wizard ass lightning musical cocaine trail of hit and run.

    Like, if your sweet ass is new and definitely not black you will be all like tentatively clicking the fucking things and shit because we all know motherfucking black people don’t come to reason and neither do asians and this site hasn’t seen an actual white person since 1994. The only shit happening here is quasi-humans printed off genome machines. Not a single goddamn person here is reas 4 people a week. Except for me, agile cyborg is so real and bitchass that the molecular spaceology atoms that twerk lines for big oil Kochs all the time are pretty badass and punk but rest assured agile cyborg is a living person under the oaks dripping in cocaine, beer, pussy, and outlaw country and pantera.

    even tho weird science goes on here with all the dimensions and space wappings and genome misconfigs… reason is the best fucking shithole online.

    1. When I imagine the icon I’ll make of you, to fit in the plaster niche I’ve carved, I see a you with skin bright aflame and arms all around. But the details are in a fog. Tell me. If you were a Hindu god and I’m not saying I know you are what colour are you and how many limbs do you have?

      1. Another goddamn artist. fucking place draws geniuses dripping with talents.

        Ok, Meri man circa3 . I am the rainbow cum spilling from the cocks of a million gods and this sploodge hits the pale center of a nondescript part of the universe you work your magic and you and your magic has just been smashed into a space tsunami of love destroyed into a brilliantly collapsing world you love so much but you asked a question and a billion ice ages and planets living dying a pounding the fucking fuck into your living apparatus of lovely.

        I am rainbow stars. lovely Meri. Fucking stars sweeping and kissing your goddamn soft neck, boyo.

        1. And the next appocolypse will be ushered in with the phrase : ” I am become Agile Cyborg, cummer or worlds. Behold the splendor of the new dawn of sexual universe….”

          And all shall rejoice the transition rather than despair the loss.

      2. There is no shame in having few true believers. I hear that Persephone, after her horrible divorce (why, oh why, did she sign the prenup with pomegranate juice?) now works in a garden center in Alaska.

  30. fucking entrance to hell… right here under the dripping pussy of a Nietzsche angel.

  31. If space had a heart I’d kill space and fuck space heart with my jizz and then I would lie on the altar of space and my jizz and realize i discovered the secret to tripping into parallel divergence.

  32. Now’s the time for the part where I try to find someone who out-Agiles Agile.

    “That’s great, it starts with an earthquake. Birds and snakes, an aeroplane, and Lenny Bruce is not afraid. Eye of a hurricane, listen to yourself churn. World serves its own needs, don’t misserve your own needs. Feed it up a knock, speed, grunt, no, strength. The ladder starts to clatter with a fear of height, down, height wire in a fire, represent the seven games and a government for hire and a combat site. Left her, wasn’t coming in a hurry with the Furies breathing down your neck.”

    1. OK, I think Agile may have met his match in Yoko Ono:

      “Hey, Yoko, imagine a grapefruit and squeeze it on me

      “You say mustn’t do this and that
      You say can’t do this and that
      While you’re losing your pants in a bullet proof car
      Losing your hair in a downtown bar
      Forget it, just forget it
      It’s the curse, you’re my curse, it could be worse…

      I”You say mustn’t have this and that
      You say can’t have this and that
      While you’re losing your apple and squeezing our balls
      Losing your mind and crawling up the walls
      Forget it, just forget it
      It’s the curse, you’re my curse, it could be worse”

      1. Wait a minute, maybe he *is* Yoko Ono.

        1. AC is the muse that Yoko Ono was supposed to follow but rejected because of a mis-translation. It’s always a mis-translation.

    2. Need more space penii

  33. the third hardest song I ate slipped into my spine and I grew wings and fell into a bottom fucking less pit.

  34. The soul is presupposed as a ready-made agent, which displays such features as its acts and utterances, from which we can learn what it is, what sort of faculties and powers it possesses — all without being aware that the act and utterance of what the soul is really invests it with that character in our conception and makes it reach a higher stage of being than it explicitly had before. And space penises.”

  35. OT (maybe):
    Bailey’s book is a definite “YES!”
    Not a single neo-Malthusian gets away clean and some (Ehrlich, in particular) get skewered several times.
    The numbers only get MEGO when it comes to costs/mitigation of AGW; 13 digits gets hard to follow.
    Gotcher running out of water, biodiversity/extinctions, GMOs, ‘kemikulz’, peak (you name it), and more; really good read.

  36. I was a little line of words when i crawled
    i crawled on carpets when dad lay next to the metal knobs
    but I was crawling and that evening I let my big face
    fall asleep on dad’s big chest while he soothed my
    love with tuned songs filtered by his brother the moon

  37. No wonder this country is going to hell – kids throwing carrots in school: The root of all evil.

    1. It’s not a joking matter, it could have hit the carrot-id artery.

  38. Unless the State sent the assault vegetable to the lab for a Leeb rebound test, I don’t see how the legal expert’s distinction can be proven in court.

  39. The leaves were falling on the city lines
    and I was a strong small man in 1983 and daddy
    sat under the weight of small business and after
    dinner kneeled near the stereo and it’s metal knobs
    and plucked life and energy from those songs spilling
    from the thrift purchased speakers.
    And daddy so goddamn religious and scared and trying so fucking
    hard to feed his family in the dark poor and broken places on his
    own mental struggles… his own daddy died when he was 12….
    and he spent to so much of his time protecting his mother from being
    broken and cracked from a man who had a brain tumor. his daddy
    did not have a brain that worked right, men. His brain was scratched with tumors that
    made him violent and he died young. We know this now. Science would have told us this now.

    but not back in the 50’s. shit is warbled. and tears scream like fountains in the histories of those swimming in them.

  40. Now the jurpling slayjid agrocrustles,
    Are slurping hagrilly up the axlegrurts,
    And living glupules frart and slipulate,
    Like jowling meated liverslime,
    Groop, I implore thee, my foonting turling dromes,
    And hooptiously drangle me,
    With crinkly bindlewurdles,
    Or else I shall rend thee in the gobberwarts with my blurglecruncheon,
    See if I don’t.”

    Thank you and good night.

    1. what lovely fonts slipping from your minds, notgkc. what lovely taps

  41. lines scratched in time
    should hate modern digital
    because lines scratched in stone
    are felt deeper than lines scratched on facebook or twitter or instacrap

    or, does google own the next cave system when men and women
    weeping the alleys find a phone and before they die of the neck being
    broken by oppression or heroine bombs they pen a tweet or a post.
    and die
    we are in new times most digital where we will now grow old in threads
    and in postings and tweets and grams.

    the age of the last post
    the last tweet
    the last instagram
    the last connection to digital reality is
    becoming a massively known.

  42. notGKC, you are a lovely supraman.
    I will always love you.

    If we meet on dimensions broke off this fall day.
    where time fidgets and tummults.
    and makes picnics on strange clouds.
    and if I meet you on these bizarre trails, notGKC
    I will love and hug you, sweetheart.

  43. Crusty, love yourself baby.

  44. I have a tunnel I have to crawl into that is lined with gods. bye, my lovely place

  45. when the bottle is empty
    daddy fills it
    when the diaper is full
    daddy changes it
    when the anger is red
    daddy subsides it
    when the fear is full and closets burst with monsters
    daddy vanquishes the demons
    when the girls are too gorgeous
    daddy says they poop like you do…
    when the college has so many rules that break
    daddy says rules make the greatest knight break only those rule that allow you to reign
    when the corporation demands my life and blood
    daddy says play smart and roll with the punches and buy your castle using those fucking shit eating dicks
    when i retired and I fell underneath the bridge
    daddy said I should avoid what he did
    as I sat on top of his grave. he cried into my heart avoid killing yourself for the man. love the flowers. love the skies. Love the earth and the sun.
    daddy never did.

  46. lots of leaves fall on the threads of this place
    many fucking notes over the years
    I wonder if the internet hiker is stopping long enough on
    the trails of their wanderings to ponder their lives
    in the digital lines and horizon lines…

    we are the true travelers of words from within and without
    we can see the sun and know of her so deeply
    we can love the path and know where she turns
    we can cry to histories and know where we are turned by it.

  47. Right to Farm Arms.

  48. a wharf from the ocean of dreams turned a bright song and pulled alongside my mind this night… I will leave a fat baggy of weed, several grams of cocaine, forty bottles of Dogfishead, and a small pile of mushrooms for my lovely gorgeous men and 2.5 females in the islands of Libertaria… I must go deeper and I will now turn my goddamn computer off so i don’t appear as fool as the greater things take me…

  49. It’s all fun and games until someone gets an arrow to the knee.

  50. Vote Woodchipper 2016

  51. Was she Concealed-Carrying her handcarrot before the assault, and if so can they add on extra charges?

    We need to send a strong message.

    School is for Alphabets; not Alpha Beta-Carotenes.

  52. I like the idea that the relevant authorities think that a felony is warranted. Felony…. wow.

    Is there really any situation where a single thrown baby carrot could warrant a felony assault charge? Forget a middle-schooler. What if a full grown adult male whipped a baby carrot as hard as he could. Would that really justify a felony, given that it is a one-off event with a single, lightweight projectile? Sure, it could sting a bit. Nolan Ryan might have been able to leave a small bruise. But a felony?

    C’mon guys… if this is what you do with the power and responsibility you’ve been given, you can’t be trusted with it.

  53. i thought it was supposed to be nicer to use the carrot than the stick.

  54. If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a carrot.

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