Sanders Gets Highest Lead Against Clinton So Far, Obama to Order Paid Leave for Federal Contractor Employees, Madonna's Brother Defends Kim Davis: A.M. Links

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  • Photography is not a Crime

    Bernie Sanders has his largest lead in Democratic primary polling in New Hampshire so far, 9 points over Hillary Clinton.

  • An executive order to be issued by President Obama today will require federal contracters to offer paid sick leave.
  • Madonna's gay brother has spoken out in defense of Kim Davis, the Kentucky clerk in jail for refusing to issue marriage licenses to gay couples, calling the gay community "sore winners."
  • The German chancellor, Angela Merkel, says the "breathtaking" flow of migrants into her country will "occupy and change" the country for a long time to come. Meanwhile, the French president, Francois Hollande, says his country will accept 24,000 Syrian refugees.
  • France hopes that progress on a ceasefire in Ukraine will mean an end to sanctions against Russia.
  • Militants from Al-Shabaab have taken over two towns in southern Somalia.

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223 responses to “Sanders Gets Highest Lead Against Clinton So Far, Obama to Order Paid Leave for Federal Contractor Employees, Madonna's Brother Defends Kim Davis: A.M. Links

  1. what the…?

    1. I wasn’t expecting a Mourning Lynx thread, either.

      1. Our chief weapon is surprise. Surprise and fear…

        1. Surprise, fear and Agile Cyborg.

      2. I’m imagining Fist content sleeping in, oblivious to this unexpected pleasure.

      3. Thanks Ed.

    2. Obviously libertarians would not be celebrating Labor Day.

        1. It was an attempt at a joke.

  2. Ed! My man, you rock!

    1. I don’t see the Spanish Inquisition.

  3. The German chancellor, Angela Merkel, says the “breathtaking” flow of migrants into her country will “occupy and change” the country for a long time to come.

    You know who else occupied and changed a country?

    1. The Beatles?

    2. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    3. Wall Street?

    4. Can’t wait for the progs to urge us all to be more like those Europeans.

      1. They already are….

  4. But… But… It’s Labor Day…

    *expectations exceeded*

    1. It’s the FREE MARKET, man!

    2. Reason doesn’t keep government worker hours.

      1. but they often keep banker’s hours.

        1. Bankers work longer hours and are open more often – even in the old days – than government agencies.

    3. Not like why we respect that, right?

      I have to say that I have seen very little “remember what today’s all about!” whining, even with Bernie Sanders on all of the idiots’ minds.

  5. France hopes that progress on a ceasefire in Ukraine will mean an end to sanctions against Russia.

    How long until the next Soviet violation of the ceasefire?

  6. Bernie Sanders has his largest lead in Democratic primary polling in New Hampshire so far, 9 points over Hillary Clinton.

    Meaning if the primary was held today, everyone would really be caught off guard.

    1. How long until the next Socialist violation of the primary ceasefire?

  7. …calling the gay community “sore winners.”

    [insert lube joke here]

    1. Insert lube joke, get santorum in reply.

    2. [insert [insert lube] joke here]

    3. At least they didn’t say sore wieners. That would have been blatant.

      1. Assuming Swiss is off today, so *narrows gaze*

  8. An executive order to be issued by President Obama today will require federal contracters to offer paid sick leave.

    Not paid golf leave?

    1. Whoa! He doesn’t need any more competition for the greens. Another year and a half and he won’t be able to kick everyone else off when he shows up.

      Who am I kidding? That lifetime Secret Service detail will make sure he always makes his tee time.

  9. …the “breathtaking” flow of migrants into her country will “occupy and change” the country for a long time to come.

    Donald Trump thinks she’s a terrible negotiator.

    1. 1. I got a call in to my sister on the former (my b-i-l is the provost Marshall there). Apparently this happens every single year and this year there may have been a handful more injuries. The difference is that a couple of whiny assholes went crying to mommy and it hit the news.

      2. I won’t watch a slide show. I assume Animal House is #1 though.

      1. It’s a ten-minute video collection. And, no, AH is not #1.

        1. Is it even on there? And what could be rated above that?

          Polls are bullshit.

          1. Yes, it’s on there! Anyway, it’s just one person’s opinion.

          2. You know who else thought the Polls were bullshit?

            1. The Checks?

    2. This ends with Brendan Fraser standing in the rain and yelling “cowards.”

      1. I’ve always been perplexed at Hollywood’s acceptance of a nude shower fight between people portraying underage high school kids and at the same time our federal government setting up task forces to criminally prosecute common folk for doing the same thing.

        That movie was better than Good Will Hunting though.

        1. There were shower scenes in the Tom Cruise, Tim Hutton, “we’ve taken over the military academy” 80s movie Taps, too. I am not surprised that Hollywood would make mainstream films where groups of young men had to show their asses, though.

          1. I was able to withstand Cruise nudity in “All The Right Moves” for a full frontal of Lea Thompson in all her 80’s splendor.

            She was so hot.

        2. I’ve always been perplexed at Hollywood’s acceptance of a nude shower fight between people portraying underage high school kids

          It isn’t all that perplexing when you take into account all the stories and rumors of sexual abuse that come out of Hollywood. Dan Schneider probably accounts for half of the total all by himself.

        3. 30 yrs. ago, WNYC-TV, when it was part of the Municipal Broadcasting Corp., aired a compilation of 3 short films, the middle one (the longest) of which was said to be a documentary about some leftist activist dying of cancer in or near Cambridge, Mass. That one included an obviously staged (but ostensibly candid) scene of a naked boy & girl hanging from a railing & doing splits for the camera, which the kids called the penis & vagina dance. The prod’n was paid for by the National Endowment for the Humanities, or maybe the Arts, or maybe both. & this was while Ed Meese was att’y gen’l of the USA.

          1. The real question here being why does Robert hate activists who are dying from right-wing, asbestos-provoked cancer, and why is he so afraid of a single publicly funded penis hanging from the rafters?

            If I witness fewer than four publicly funded penises on any given Saturday evening, I take it as a sign that I’m doing something wrong.

    3. after some people reportedly stuffed their pillow cases with helmets to cause more damage

      Yep, sounds like the military I knew. Some people just don’t know their limitations.

      1. I guess it beats the old days when cadets merely did things like, say, steal the local farmers’ turkeys and cook them in their dorm rooms (I’m looking at you, Cadet U.S. Grant).

        1. Hastily writes thesis that General Grant wasn’t actually attempting to help reclaim the South; he merely used the Vicksburg Campaign as cover to steal all the turkeys in the Mississippi Valley…

        2. “I guess it beats the old days when cadets merely did things like, say, steal the local farmers’ turkeys and cook them in their dorm rooms (I’m looking at you, Cadet U.S. Grant).”

          Bear in mind–back then they were encouraged to drink more than possible. It was a different time.

  10. France hopes that progress on a ceasefire in Ukraine will mean an end to sanctions against Russia.

    Tired of having to secretly break those sanctions.

    1. Tim Robbins’ mother looks great for her age.

      1. Janet Wiessssssssssssssssssssss?

      2. …Holy fuck, she’s 68 years old! That’s older than my mom.

        How does she look that good?

        And she does look high out of her mind in one of those pictures.

        1. Your mom is not as attractive as Susan Sarandon, this is true.

        2. It’s happening more and more. Plastic surgery or not, I don’t care.

          Susan Lucci is 68.

          Debbia Harry is 70.

    2. LSD… my son!

  11. Bernie Sanders has his largest lead in Democratic primary polling in New Hampshire so far, 9 points over Hillary Clinton.

    An expressed socialist is ahead of an expressed felon? We’re doomed.

  12. Ok, so about the migrant “crisis”. Why aren’t these migrants walking to Turkey? Or toward the Suez? Or boating to Egypt and the rest of North Africa? There’s a deliberate move by them to Europe because Europe is part of the civilized world and they will be taken care of.

    And what’s the chance that ISIS has a large number of people infiltrating these refugee camps in order to get free transportation to the west, where they will wreak havoc in a short period of time? My guess is it’s somewhere very close to 100% likely.

    1. There’s a deliberate move by them to Europe because Europe is part of the civilized world and they will be taken care of.

      Incentives matter, whether governments acknowledge them or not.

    2. Precursor to WWIII. 8-(

      1. Perhaps. More likely it’s a precursor to European xenophobia rearing its ugly head and another round of ethnic partitioning kicking off after a few terrorist attacks.

        1. Well, to be honest, its not like European xenophobia is ever very far away even in the best of times.

          People like to call the US a racist state – we got nothing on the Europeans. Most of them hate people who come from as far away as the other side of their own country.

          1. If there are a couple of terrorist attacks in Europe it could get really ugly. These people are Social Democrats, so they define people collectively, it could well mean the return of death squads and death camps. Scratch social democracy and reveal potential genocide.

            1. We’d probably see clashes between nationalist groups going after the Social Democrats, more than attacks on Muslims in that scenario; the social dems are a lot more likely to capitulate, a la Charlie Hebdo, to whatever migrant advocacy groups are in their countries. The nationalist groups already see the social dems as an openly hostile, groveling, guilt-ridden, treasonous entity.

              With that said, I expect at least one major terrorist attack in the next 2-3 years. Europe doesn’t have the resources to house and assimilate this many refugees in a controlled manner and it’s a great recipe for brewing resentment if the gimmedats dry up even a little bit. It’s naive to think that there won’t be more than a few ISIS sympathizers and actors among the migrants.

              1. I think there are elements in the power structures of the Social Democratic parties who want the multiculturalism stuff, but the rank and file are really the same sort of people who join the right nationalist parties. The Social Democrats are definitely a potentially genocidal bunch (that comes with being socialists), if pushed far enough, they would slake their bloodlust in ways that would make Le Pen shudder.

          2. Cue the sub thread about Californians moving to different states.

          3. People like to call the US a racist state – we got nothing on the Europeans. Most of them hate people who come from as far away as the other side of their own country.

            There’s a reason why any time an American kills another American for racial reasons it becomes a nation-wide media story and a call for “a national conversation” and often constitutional amendments ?while Europeans burning down synagogues or immigrants kidnapping native-born girls as rape-slaves is called “Tuesday.”

            For all the vitriol one reads online, that’s the textual equivalent of a driver yelling at the guy who cut him off while safely ensconced inside his own windows-up car. Humans are always going to respond to differences (look at any comment thread between fans of different sports teams), but Americans have internalized racial and ethnic ideas differently than Europeans because of the origin of the culture/nation (even the whole immigration debate is about assimilation vs. multiculturalism, not about acculturation vs. exclusion ? the flashpoint in places like France is that immigrants don’t have the opportunity to “become” French in the same way as an immigrant can “become” American).

            Plus, we Americans are bitter assholes. Our hate is very often a kind of love. Right, Kid Brother Canada?

    3. And what’s the chance that ISIS has a large number of people infiltrating these refugee camps in order to get free transportation to the west, where they will wreak havoc in a short period of time? My guess is it’s somewhere very close to 100% likely.

      My guess its its around the exact same percentage as of Mexicans coming across our southern border to stealthily invade the US as prelude to the reconquista.

      1. You believe that? Mexicans have never been “at war” with American ideals and society. Radical Islam (ISIS-brand) has always been at war with western civilization. The two situations aren’t remotely similar.

      2. Mexicans haven’t carried out terrorist attacks on the US (unless you count their gangs ethnically cleansing black neighborhoods and their gangs). Muslims, on the other hand, have carried out terrorist attacks both here and in Europe.

        1. And let’s not forget the fact that about 90% of these “refugees” appear to be military-age males, based on the numerous photographs.

          1. Yeah – and ‘military age’ is generally defined as between ‘doesn’t fall over form recoil when shooting’ and ‘diet consists of only soup because he’s no longer got teeth’.

            I mean, FFS – our own government uses that definition to justify bombing wedding parties. ‘Nope, no civilians here, only militants – defined as anyone male and old enough to hold an AR’.

            1. And let’s not forget – most of the people sneaking into the US form the south are *also* ‘military age’.

            2. So Muslims haven’t carried out terrorist attacks in Europe recently? Thanks for clearing that up.

              1. And Americans haven’t committed terrorist attacks in America recently? Thanks for clearing that up.

                1. “MURICANS R DE REEL TURRIRSTS, U GAIZ!!”

        2. Dude, *white people* have carried out terrorist attacks on American soil. *White Americans*.

          1. Rather pathetic false equivalence there.

              1. Well, if you want to name a marathon that whites have bombed recently, I’m all ears.

                1. Well, there’s the Tsarnaev brothers, who were both white.

                  1. “LITERALLY CAWKASIAN!!”

                    Fuckin LOL at libertarians adopting shitlib tropes.

          2. How the fuck did all these white people get in the country in the first place?

            1. SPACESHIPS WHOOP WHOOP MANIFEST DESTINY BITCHES

            2. You’re fucking off back to Europe sometime soon, then, I take it? No need to wallow in that guilt–if you claim you’re Syrian, you might even get Free Shit!

      3. “My guess its its around the exact same percentage as of Mexicans coming across our southern border to stealthily invade the US as prelude to the reconquista.”

        That has to be a really bad attempt at sarcasm.

        1. Only if you’re really scared of the reconquista.

          1. If you really want to equate MS-13 and ISIS, go right ahead.

          2. I though the Reconquista referred to the restoration of al-Andalus to Spanish rule and by metaphorical extension to the restoration of Wallmapu to Chileno/Argentine rule. Even that’s a stretch. Carrying it further to the restoration of Aztlan to Chalingo rule seems holy beyond the pail.

      4. We didn’t spend a thousand years at war with Mexico to keep them from imposing a vile religious dictatorship on all of North America. They must not teach history in Europe.

        This will end very badly.

        1. Really the Euros I’ve met they’ve known more history than most Americans, and from what I can tell, by comparison with Catholic school, US public schools don’t teach history to speak of (though what they do teach seem like everything the Catholics don’t bother with, which is to say much of the military and political history of the US, but heavily misrepresented and distorted if not full of plain mendaciousness). But if they do teach it in Europe, it must be taught not as a series of abysmal mistakes and outlandish evils (as, for instance, it is largely portrayed in Wells’ OUTLINE) but rather as a guidebook of sorts: See how your ancestors they dribbled and treated things for centuries? Good! Study it close, because that’s the Frankish way (or whichever way it happens to be). Like some kind of patriotic fervor to emulate all the greatest fuckups and horrors of one’s ancestors.

    4. Europe will still benefit massively from this influx of fresh labor.

      1. Child rape trafficking–a growth enterprise!

      2. The Caliphate will be powerful indeed!

  13. An executive order to be issued by President Obama today will require federal contracters [sic] to offer paid sick leave.

    It also takes into account absences related to stalking, the White House said.

    WTF?

    1. An executive order to be issued by President Obama today will require federal contracters [insert lube joke here] to offer paid sick leave.

    2. What? Do you know how fucking hard it is to stalk somebody and not have to take time off of work to do it? It’s nearly impossible, especially if she lives a couple towns over and works similar hours to you.

      Or, you know, that’s what I’ve been told.

    3. I think by “stalking” they mean chasing game. Like when you go to get a haircut and the signs says “Gone Hunting!” and you got to wait a few days till you look like a little girl with a huge beard and the body of a forty-two year old alcoholic cordwainer.

      1. I think it’s intended for federal employees “stalked” by Congressional subpoenas….

  14. France hopes that progress on a ceasefire in Ukraine will mean an end to sanctions against Russia.

    Does France get its heating oil from Russia?

  15. The solution to the Kim Davis thing is easy: The KY legislature should pass a law making it a criminal offense for any government official to not enforce federal and state laws as written. Then they can criminally charge her.

    As an added bonus, they can do the same for any selective enforcement of immigration policy. Because these things are essentially the same thing.

    1. Anyone else think it, um, amusing that Davis has been divorced three times and had children out of wedlock?

      1. I find it amusing that County Clerk is an elected position. Sad, but amusing that the person responsible for scheduling judicial business is a political position.

      2. Go post that at Breitbart, Rich; you will have fun.

      3. Again going by Wikipedia, she converted to Christianity (a hard-core Protestant outfit) *after* her divorcing and shenanigans. And presumably her awareness of her own sins had something to do with her conversion.

        “Are you aware that this Paul of Tarsus guy used to persecute Christians? Hypocrite!”

    2. to not enforce federal and state laws as written.

      I agree with your premise. Though I think they should just pass a law stating that an elected official can be held to a vote of ‘no confidence’ and removed before his/her term is up. That said, the government should not be regulating personal, romantic relationships or giving certain types special privilege (via the tax code), anyway.

    3. enforce federal . . . laws as written

      You seriously want *state* agencies to enforce federal drug laws?

      1. I most certainly do. Because it’s the only way to get a majority of the people out there in favor of striking them from the books. Selective enforcement results in arbitrary prosecution and ends up creating a situation where a cop or prosecutor can make your life hell simply by using a law that is otherwise unused but still on the books.

        All laws should be strictly enforced, if for nothing else than to show how bad they are so they can be repealed in their entirety.

        1. The state would selectively enforce the law requiring the enforcement of the federal laws. Some laws aren’t meant to be consistently enforced, because if they were everything would fall apart.

    4. You forgot federal drug laws…

      1. See above. Every law should be enforced strictly as written. If they were, we’d have far less of them.

        1. HA! Good one, sloopy!

          1. Too many kids, not enough sleep.

    5. According to Wikipedia, they’re already considering prosecuting Davis under state law for misconduct in office. The problems:

      (a) The penalties are prison up to about a year and fine, not removal from office. If she’s willing to accept an *indefinite* prison sentence, I suspect she’d be willing to accept another year sentence on top of that.

      (b) These cases would be tried by jury. I anticipate that there might be some difficulty getting 12 Kentuckians to unanimously convict someone for opposing gay marriage. The jurors would have to be carefully vetted by the prosecutors.

    6. You musb unfamiliar with the law as writ. There is fucking tons of it, some parts standing in conflict with others, a lot of it extremely vague and which can only be interpretted by means of extensive annotations and case law if it’s available. Ultimately, enforce all laws as written would end up a lot of insanity and everybody in jail. Of course, it could thing, as requiring enforcement of all laws would make the current legal monstrism instantly insupportable. Also, enforcing all state and federal laws would require not enforcing most federal laws, as they stand outside the regime of a county clerk. And what do you do about the fact that almost all federal law is in contradiction with the constitution? You can say, oh well the Supreme Court rule X here and here, but the problem is that if we have to enforce the laws as written, there’s no way most of that Supreme Court sophristy is going to be able to bend things enough to allow even the most psychopathic interpreter to view the statutes as in accord with the constitution, as written. I guess we’d need some ruling to determine what “as written” means, preferably taking it out into the outer limits of abstraction until the phrase comes to mean precisely the opposite of how it started out and the pattern is completed.

    1. That’s one of the Sorkin monologues, isn’t it?

      If these shows were magazine articles, progressives would be turning the pages with one hand, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

    1. And the main reason unemployment has fallen so much is job growth in the private sector

      Krugman never fails to up the derp level, does he.

    2. * re-evaluates opinion on trigger warnings *

    3. I see you have thoroughly beat me to this. Sooooooooo well played DNC move or just Krugabe on a Monday?

  16. An executive order to be issued by President Obama today will require federal contracters [sic] to offer paid sick leave.

    Something, something, legislative process…

  17. I had no idea we were so powerful!

    “On the one hand you have got utter idiots like Laurie Penny who are simply coming out with the stuff that she does because she knows that the groups she is supporting, that are pro-trans, pro-sex work, and pro- other anti-women nonsense, are run by very high profile, powerful libertarian men. We know that she is doing it for a career move.”

    http://theothermccain.com/2015…..d-of-camp/

    1. England’s most influential radical feminist was asked whether she believes “heterosexuality will survive women’s liberation”:
      It won’t, not unless men get their act together, have their power taken from them and behave themselves. I mean, I would actually put them all in some kind of camp

      You know who else…

      1. Lenin?

        Pol Pot?

      2. The Boy Scouts of America?

    2. One look at that woman? and her shoice of hairstyle screams aloud that this is a clear cut case of PENIS ENVY if there ever was one.

      After reading a couple of paragraphs I know I’m right.

      This woman craves having a dick to the very core of her being. And not just any dick, she pines deep in her soul that her dick would be a huge dick capable of causing pain, even if momentary, to any and every woman she beds down. Why, I would venture to say that even the fake dicks she uses on her lovers are of the xxxxxxl variety.

      This woman doesn’t hate men. She’s just pissed she isn’t one. It is women she hates. Beautiful, sweet, caring, nurturing, life giving women are her true enemy. The kind of women who inspire men to clear forests, build buildings, sail the ocean and discover new continents.

      The kind of women for whom men will work themselves to an early death to provide for and the children she bears, and to protect them against the curelties of the world are what she detests because she clearly isn’t one of them and will never be and therefore will never know that kind of love from a man that that knid of woman inspires.

  18. Ed, that is some fantastic alt text.

    1. So that extended-arm-palm-down salute she’s giving is a Christian salute? I had no idea.

  19. “The German chancellor, Angela Merkel, says the “breathtaking” flow of migrants into her country will “occupy and change” the country for a long time to come.”

    That breeze you just felt is a certain someone spinning in his grave.

  20. Krugabe with the zinger

    http://mobile.nytimes.com/2015…..omics.html

    1. What a piece of work he is. Per the following, he pretends that the republicans’ resistance to higher taxes and govt healthcare is just some temporary, fleeting “orthodoxy.”

      Instead, Mr. Bush has chosen to attack Mr. Trump as a false conservative, a proposition that is supposedly demonstrated by his deviations from current Republican economic orthodoxy: his willingness to raise taxes on the rich, his positive words about universal health care.

  21. Sanders promising free Ben & Jerry’s for all. This is your right!

    1. The only flavor they’ll be offering after he’s elected is going to be Arrid Extra Dry.

      1. Too commercial. It will be something from Tom’s of Maine.

        1. You wish, but it takes pull to be the winner in this game.

        2. What’s Burt’s Bees, chopped liver?

        3. When I first moved to Maine I applied at Kelly Temporary Services, and they set me up with a position at Tom’s of Maine. I was working on the filling line. It was actually kind of fun. Worked there for a few months until I got a restaurant job.

            1. I didn’t say I used their crappy products.

          1. Filling line fun, huh? Did you insert any prizes?

        4. So, “toothpaste”?

        5. Tom’s of Maine, owned by Colgate-Palmolive.

          Ben & Jerry’s (Unilever).

          Burt’s Bees (Clorox).

          1. Family businesses cashed out. Good for them.

        6. How about Tom of Finland?

          1. Ya know, I’m about as cis-hetero as it is possible to get but I love, love, love Tom of Finland. That’s some fine beefcake.

            1. That is the gayest comment I have ever read on this site, and I applaud you for it, sir.

              1. Maybe it’s from too many years living in NOLA (happy Southern Decadence y’all), maybe it’s from too much Ranxerox and the like but I really like his work.

                1. Living in N’awlins made you gay ?

                  Who knew ?

    2. But why could any one shop need all those flavors while we have kids starving in Detroit?

  22. CA legislator Susan Bonilla proposes a nickle-a-drink tax on cocktails, to ‘restore’ funds to aid the developmentally disabled.
    Why tax cocktails? It means there’s no organized group to oppose it; wonderful reason for a new tax!
    Oh, and “If you can already afford a cocktail, [you must be rich and we’ll take your money]”
    (quote from pay-walled Chron article)
    http://www.bizjournals.com/san…..la-sf.html

    1. Hi, bartender. I’d like a double of rum. Can I also get a coke please? Thanks.

      1. I’d like a Pepsi with a whiskey chaser please.

    2. I really wish they’d stop saying people have a right to the fruits of other people’s labor.

      1. And I’d vote for a bill to end naming bills. This ones got some pathetic ‘The Bill To Make Everybody Healthy’ moniker.
        Why do you hate the ‘tards?

  23. The Trumpomorphosis

    by Franz Derpka

    One morning, when Donald Trump woke from troubled dreams, he found himself transformed in his bed into a horrible vermin, which for him was not much of a change. He lay on his slimy back, and if he lifted his head and bent his eye stalks just so, he could see his slimy belly, soft and shining from mucus. The bedding was soaked with it and seemed ready to slide off any moment.

    His first thought was to check his hair the mirror. He rolled off the bed and hit the floor with a wet thump, then slithered to the bathroom. He was relieved to see the familiar gray, wispy bouffant was still there.

    Suddenly, a knock came at the door of his hotel room. Trump remembered he has due to give a speech with the other GOP candidates that morning. He slimed to the door and awkwardly used his facial tentacles to open it. A chipper young aide greeted him.

    “Mr. Trump! Sorry to wake you, but we need to get you backstage. Please, follow me.”

    Trump wondered why she did not notice he had transformed into a giant slug. He put away his doubts. Time to make America great again, he thought.

    1. Meanwhile, in another room, Jeb Bush woke from troubled dreams, and he found himself transformed in his bed into a horrible vermin, which for him was not much of a change. He lay on his slimy back, and if he lifted his head and bent his eye stalks just so, he could see his slimy belly, soft and shining from mucus. The bedding was soaked with it and seemed ready to slide off any moment.

      “?Dios mio! Soy una babosa”, Jeb said in fluent Spanish. He had long been in the habit of saying everything in Spanish first. He watched all those damn Muzzy videos, and by gum he was he was going to speak Spanish come hell or high water. He glanced at the cheap alarm clock and saw that he had no time to lose.

      “?Arriba, Arriba, Andale, Arriba! ” he gurgled as he slithered out the the door and into the hallway.

      Jeb and Trump met each other head on in the hotel hallway. They stopped and stared at each other. Trump remembered once watching a nature documentary about slugs. They were hermaphrodites with ‘uuuuuuge penises in their heads who…

      Oh no. Dear god no, Trump thought.

    2. Deep within their slug loins, Jeb and Trump began to feel strange throbbing sensations. Jeb peered at Trump and found him irresistible. He love for Trump was even greater than his love for Common Core. Trump gazed deeply into Jeb’s eyes and was transfixed, as though Jeb had seized his heart by eminent domain.

      Jeb and Trump moved closer together and began licking each other, fondling each other with their face tentacles, and entwining their bodies. The Trump aide was paralyzed with horror and disgust; she watched helplessly.

      From each slug head, a massive blue-tinted penis erupted. The sound was like the popping of two biscuit cans. Trump’s comb-over went slightly askew. The phalli reared up like two cobras before slamming together and furious pumping slug spunk into each other’s orifices.

      “?Mas! ?Mas!” gurgled Jeb.

      “Yeah! Take it, bitch!” gurgled Trump.

      1. furiously pumping slug spunk

        Band, Album, or soon to be released hilldawg memoirs?

    3. Lindsey Grand came out of his hotel room to find the writhing monstrosity right in front of him.

      His gaze narrowed as he reached into his pocket, pull out a full fist, and cried “pocket salt! shi-shi-sha!” as he flung it onto the pulsing slugs. Trump and Jeb shrieked in pain.

      Lindsey Graham ran downstairs to the dining room and grabbed all the salt shakers he could carry, then ran back upstairs. A few feet away from the slugs, he unscrewed the tops of the salt shakers and one by one, dumped them on the slugs. When the slugs stopped moving, the frightened aide ran to Graham saying “my hero!” and ran to hug Graham, who uncomfortably accepted the embrace.

      When the story hit the papers, Graham was cleared of any wrongdoing and his supporters began holding up salt shakers at this rallies. Inexplicably, Trump continued to lead in the polls while his supporters demanded to see his long form death certificate. Jeb was quickly forgotten and his supporters soon flocked to Mitt Romney, who began to campaign as soon as he’d heard the news.

      The End

      1. Thanks for that. Maybe have a cockroach wake up and he discovers he’s Donald Trump?

        1. I’m kicking myself for not thinking of that.

          1. You ain’t no Kafka.

            1. plus a mashup with “Vom Wunsch, Indianer zu werden”.

      2. I posted with SugarFree. I knew SugarFree. And you, Derpetologist, and not SugarFree.

        1. I posted a video & article about Leopard slug mating in the hope that it would inspire him and he did nothing with it.

          Derpetologist|4.3.15 @ 9:09AM|#

          Leopard slug mating is pretty wild:

          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wG9qpZ89qzc

          The mating habits of Limax maximus are considered unusual among slugs: the hermaphrodite slugs court, usually for hours, by circling and licking each other. After this, the slugs will climb into a tree or other high area and then, entwined together, lower themselves on a thick string of mucus, evert their white translucent mating organs (penises) from their gonopores (openings on the right side of the head), entwine these organs, and exchange sperm. Both participants will later lay hundreds of eggs.
          Top that, Sugarfree!

          SugarFree|4.3.15 @ 10:03AM|#

          Who can be grosser than nature?

          SugarFree|4.3.15 @ 10:09AM|#

          I never came up with entwining head penises.

          SugarFree|4.3.15 @ 9:37AM|#

          HAWT!

          1. and he did nothing with it.

            Discretion is the better part of valor.

          2. Dude, is just wrong to invade Warty and Episiarch’s privacy like that.

        2. I posted with SugarFree. I knew SugarFree. And you, Derpetologist, and not SugarFree.

          And you, sarcasmic, are no John.

          1. I don’t know if that was meant as a compliment or not, but I will take it as such. Thanks!

      3. I take it from the amount of time you spent on the story you are one of those who don’t have the day off?

        1. I have the day off. In fact, I’ve had the last 8 months off. I wrote it last night because I had trouble falling asleep.

          1. Well I enjoyed the story and appreciate the effort.

            1. i thought it was kind of gay

          2. If I wrote that I’d have trouble falling asleep as well.

          3. “I have the day off. In fact, I’ve had the last 8 months off. I wrote it last night because I had trouble falling asleep.”

            Is the opposite with me I can’t sleep because everything goes bonkerz and then random crap starts spewing forth from every orifice and it’s really a kind of transcription of words in ?ther to something more permeable like pen and ink or fucking mem stick than it is like I’m actually composing or writing anything of my own. Then after a couple days of convalescence I can come back and edit it back into a seemly array with some kinship to intelligi-bile human speech and be done with it, set fire to it, dissolve it in pig juice, whatever–it doesn’t matter: therpon I can finally be quit of the accursed Thing.

            I talked to a frnd of my onced about writers that give up on account of that they got discouraged because nobody loved them or something. I said then they aren’t writers, because it’s not something a person chuses, and it’s not something a person abandons because it never pays off or because his family disapproves. It’s more like a kind of diabolic obsession than a voluntary passtime. So he says “I think you’re confusing being a writer with being psychotic.”

      4. I don’t remember the last two minutes. I think I just had a seizure.

    4. Oh — derpka, derpka, derpka.

    5. There’s a Mr. Lovecraft on Line 1, sir. He says your story frightened him and traumatized him.

  24. We need less cops, not more. Cops ARE the problem.

    CPD Diversity and Inclusion Officers.

    http://columbus.gov/Templates/Detail.aspx?id=82893

    1. Cops aren’t necessarily the problem. If we’re going to have laws then they need to be enforced.

      The problem is the vast number of unjust laws and the total lack of accountability for those who enforce them.

      If the laws were just, and if those who abused their power were held accountable, then I seriously doubt that cops would be a problem.

      1. Certainly they’re not the problem in its entirety. Too many is a problem because they are expected to make arrest. This here is yet another waate of my money.

      2. Cops cost the state money. To justify their existence, they have to write tickets so that the courts can collect fines. Chip in a little from civil asset forfeiture as well. So the state has to have a bunch of bullshit laws that enable it to confiscate money and property from citizens.

      3. If the laws were just, we wouldn’t need armed marauders going through town attacking people at random. People would defend themselves and additional force would only be called up as needed.

  25. Socality Barbie

    http://nbc4i.com/2015/09/07/ar…..ty-barbie/

  26. “Madonna’s gay brother has spoken out in defense of Kim Davis, the Kentucky clerk in jail for refusing to issue marriage licenses to gay couples, calling the gay community “sore winners.”

    Being Madonna’s brother isn’t the important part. He’s gay, so he can’t be wrong. And, anyway, being right or wrong doesn’t really matter–the only thing that matters is whether you’re gay or pro-gay. It’s okay for gay people to disagree with him, and it’s okay for heterosexuals to be pro-gay.

    Everything else is wrong.

    1. “Madonna’s gay brother”

      He actually changed his name to that.

  27. “An executive order to be issued by President Obama today will require federal contracters to offer paid sick leave.”

    It may take a century to undo all the damage that Barack Obama has done to our economy, but never mind that. The important thing is that he’s pro-gay.

    1. This particular order will never be undone. What Republican is going to come out against
      poor sick people, particularly women and children, once this slippery slope has been entered upon?

      1. Well, if communist China could see the light on freeing up their economy, there must be hope for us.

        I hope we don’t have to experience an economic catastrophe before people start seeing the light, but maybe we will.

      2. Just leave it but repeal Davis-Bacon.

    2. The effect of all these new rules for federal contractors is to create an sub-market of companies that only work for the federal govt because they are forced to adopt policies that prevent them from being able to compete in the private sector.

      1. It can be done on a job by job basis.

        Federal contract laws call for a frd gov employee to have the right to stand outside the entrance/exit to the jobsite and interview workers coming and going about their pay/overtime hours/ working conditions etc. etc already.

        This is just another cost for Fed Gov contractors to add to their bids and a political ploy/legacy builder.

        Not a big deal in the real world.

  28. “The German chancellor, Angela Merkel, says the “breathtaking” flow of migrants into her country will “occupy and change” the country for a long time to come. Meanwhile, the French president, Francois Hollande, says his country will accept 24,000 Syrian refugees.”

    I am so glad there’s an ocean between us and Syria, and that’s okay to say because it could easily be interpreted as pro-gay.

  29. Trigger warning SPORTS:

    My new quarterback (yes, mine, I am one of them, us, we are all in it together), is going to have a diamond-studded mouthpiece for his first start. I have mixed feelings.

    1. I think diamonds are fairly inert and non-toxic so when invariably one pops out and he swallows it it shouldn’t cause any harm.

      The FDA will probably ban it as diamonds have a nanostucture which “has not been studied and therefore must be banned”

      1. They may be inert but they have sharp edges and could cut the hell out of an opponent. Besides what are they going to be mounted in , rubber or plastic. If so they won’t last one game. If they are monuted in some sort of metal/wire contraption then they are dangerous as hell. You could put an eye out with that !

        The NFL should and probably will be quick to ban this.

      2. Supposedly one of the things they tried to kill Rasputin with was ground diamonds.

  30. “Madonna’s gay brother has spoken out in defense of Kim Davis, the Kentucky clerk in jail for refusing to issue marriage licenses to gay couples, calling the gay community “sore winners.””

    As the victory of gay marriage slowly drifts off into the sunset it is amusing to watch gays sprawl out and away from the political ideology of the progressive SJW left.

    I am beginning to see why even though the Dems ostensibly supported gays that the Dem establishment took so long to actually push for gay marriage (Obama, Hilary) and only really supported it after the fact. Legalizing has meant the lose of that particular demographic as a donation/voter base.

  31. I’ll probably post this again later, but China’s recent stress has forced some important tax changes.

    “China said on Monday it would remove personal income tax on dividends for shareholders who hold stocks for more than a year, in a move aimed at encouraging longer-term investment in equities as opposed to short-term speculation.

    The government also said it would halve the tax on dividends for those holding shares between a month and a year and that the changes would come into effect on Tuesday.”

    http://www.reuters.com/article…..MN20150907

    Tim Worstall at Forbes says China now has a more free-market right-wingy tax system than America.

    1. Except unlike the US capital gains tax rate, that tax rule can be changed on a whim.

  32. OK, here’s the full post by Christopher Ciccone, Madonna’s gay brother:

    “The county clerk in Kentucy deserves about as much support as you would give her if she were a muslim women who insisted on covering her face and refused not only gay marriages licenses, but divorce, accusations of rape and driving a car without ur mans approval…..perspective is everything…..this woman is a civil servant, she is required to follow federal law…..but why should she….when DOJ and other civil authories don’t follow federal law when they choose not to…..i.e. Washington State and Colorado (POT) come to mind…or the abstract notion of “sanctuary cities”…..i always thought that sanctuary was the province of churches…….these things aside….this is why we have elections…..if the folks of this county in Kentucy don’t want her as the county clerk….then don’t have to vote for her…..that is how a democracy works….not to mention the courts.

    1. “In the mean time…..since when are we the arbiter of other peoples faith?…….can you honestly say that you know how much a person is allowed to have??..if i’m not mistaken, it’s in the constitution…..something about religious freedom or something……selective shaming and bullying corrupts a democracy….freedom of press, speech and religion give it strength. Not to mention reason and the god given compassion we as humans have a right and responsibility to practice. Once again, the gay community feels the need to be sore winners. Is it so difficult to allow this women her religion?…or must we destroy her in order for here to betray her faith. No matter how we judge its truth. The rights we have all fought for, mean nothing, if we deny her hers.”

      http://www.hollywoodreporter.c…..erk-820753

      While I don’t agree with the religious-freedom focus, and prefer to defend Davis as a defender of the Constitution against Supreme Court usurpation, I appreciate Mr. Madonna’s Brother’s support of religious freedom. Davis isn’t doing anything more than Gavin Newsome and other proggy public officials when they approved gay marriages before it was pronounced legal.

      1. Oh, and if the Oberdorfer decision had gone 5-4 the other way, I’m sure Davis’ foes would insist that any progressive state official who dared approve gay marriages should be imprisoned, too.

        1. Shorter F D’A: “I’m not obsessed, why do you think I’m obsessed, I can tell you’re thinking it, but *I’m not obsessed!*”

  33. Militants from Al-Shabaab have taken over two towns in southern Somalia.

    Southern Somalia is now free of the scourge of anarchy. Glorious ROADZZ to soon follow.

  34. did you know that if you don’t vote bernie sanders, that our young girls are in danger of having to do porn to pay for college?

  35. Bernie Sanders has his largest lead in Democratic primary polling in New Hampshire so far, 9 points over Hillary Clinton.

    So just like Howard Dean, he’s a shoo-in?

  36. “The German chancellor, Angela Merkel, says the “breathtaking” flow of migrants into her country will “occupy and change” the country for a long time to come.”

    That breeze you just felt is a certain someone spinning in his grave.

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