Reason Weekly Contest: A Dolphin Spy—The Movie
Last week's winners revealed.
Welcome back to the Reason Weekly Contest! This week's question is:
Hamas has arrested a dolphin it believes to be an Israeli spy. Come up with the name of the action movie this will inspire.
How to enter: Submissions should be e-mailed to contest@reason.com. Please include your name, city, and state. This week, kindly type "DOLPHIN" in the subject line. Entries are due by 11 p.m. Eastern Time, Monday, Aug. 24. Winners will appear Friday, Aug. 28, right here at Reason.com.
In the case of identical or similar entries, the first one received gets credit. First prize is a one-year digital subscription to Reason magazine, plus bragging rights. While we appreciate kibbitzing in the comments below, you must email your answer to enter the contest. Feel free to enter more than once, and good luck!
And now for the results of last week's contest: After San Francisco proposed requiring warning labels on sugar-sweetened drinks that would say, " Drinking beverages with added sugar(s) contributes to obesity, diabetes and tooth decay," we asked you for the next warning label to be required by that town.
THE WINNER:
WARNING: Rice-a-Roni is not endorsed by San Francisco, nor should it be considered a treat. Consuming items high in sodium and carbohydrates may lead to obesity, diabetes, and hypertension. — Scott Heckman, Reston, VA
SECOND PLACE:
WARNING: Living in San Francisco may cause you to think you know what's best for everybody else. — Tracy Davis, Lawrence, KS
THIRD PLACE:
WARNING: Reading government-required warning labels may cause the following: nearsightedness, fatigue, depression, anxiety, restlessness, apathy, anger, irritation, nausea, uncontrollable rage, uncontrollable giggles, nervousness, sweating, high blood pressure, twitching, facial tics, stroke, heartburn, indigestion, paranoia, diarrhea, apoplexy, dizziness, fainting, vomiting, suicidal thoughts, asthma, shortness of breath and a strong urge to consume alcohol. Reading government-required warning labels is strongly discouraged during the following activities: driving a motor vehicle, boating, sailing, operating heavy machinery, surgery, operating a shopping cart in a grocery store, exiting an escalator, using a cellphone, exiting an elevator, voting, pouring a cup of coffee, drinking coffee, ironing, vacuuming, operating a toaster, swimming with Killer Whales, plugging in a major appliance, replacing a light bulb, using a microwave oven, using a washing machine to wash clothes, using a clothes dryer, putting sharp objects in a dishwasher, swinging a golf club, opening a can of peaches, operating a garbage disposal, using a Q-tip, climbing a ladder, eating hot pizza, cleaning a drain with chemicals, lighting a cigarette, bicycling, moving a luggage cart, painting, using a nail clipper, shampooing your hair, moving a mattress, opening a soda can, eating an Oreo cookie, opening a McDonald's Happy Meal, brushing your teeth, unwrapping toys, taking medication, using a firearm, eating peanuts, cooking with wheat, and chewing gum. Reading a government-required warning label may result in the reader becoming fatigued, irritated and/or distracted. Distraction caused by government-required warning labels during any of those activities may cause accidents resulting in burns, cuts, lacerations, punctures, bruises, falls, trips, exposure to fumes, accidental overdoses, concussions, amputations, electric shock, chemical ingestion, impaired judgment, damage to personal belongings, choking, drowning, and even death. When reading a government-required warning label, it is recommended that the reader be in a seated position, using correct posture when possible. Lighting should be suitable for reading with no other distractions. If the government-required warning label is detachable, the reader must take care not to be cut by the edges of the label. OSHA may require personal protection equipment such as gloves or tongs when handling a government-required warning label in the workplace. Also, detachable government-required warning labels can be a choking hazard and should not be inhaled or swallowed. Government-required warning labels that are affixed to a product with an adhesive rather than printed as part of the packaging may become unattached, either through movement or normal wear-and-tear. The adhesive chemical should not be swallowed or inhaled. Skin in contact with the adhesive should be washed thoroughly. If the adhesive from the government-required warning label should come in contact with the eyes, rinse thoroughly immediately and then seek medical attention. Detached government-required warning labels should be disposed of promptly and properly. See local regulations for disposal of possible hazardous materials. Keep out of reach of children and away from animals. — James Wigderson, Waukesha, WI
HONORABLE MENTIONS:
(On roll of Lifesavers candy) WARNING: Not intended for use as flotation devices. — Andy Johnson, Baton Rouge, LA
WARNING: This is a carbonated beverage, need we say more? Our cute polar bears are on small chunks of ice. STOP CLIMATE CHANGE NOW! — Ronald Guillemette
WARNING: Reading the listed ingredients has been shown to cause feelings of panic and unease. — Lori Kent Rothman, Bonn, Germany
WARNING: Consumption/use of this product may produce or contribute to certain outcomes. — Keith Darsee, Columbus, OH
WARNING: Sitting in this chair will reduce metabolic activity, contribute to obesity, increase the risk of heart disease, and shorten life expectancy. — David Williams, Raleigh, NC
WARNING: Standing bodies of water may accumulate hydrogen gas, a chemical known to the state of California to be a dangerous explosive. Take care when opening and keep clear of all sources of ignition. (On all bottled water) — Arik Lakritz, Quincy, MA
WARNING: This condom prevents life creation. In the event you are attempting to procreate, please discard product immediately. — Nelson Audy, Athens, GA
WARNING: Some group somewhere has found that this item can harm something or someone, somehow. — Chris Williams
WARNING: If you read this, you will most certainly die. — Ann Holmes
WARNING: Eating food contributes to obesity, diabetes, and tooth decay. — Scott Kasun, Tucson, AZ
WARNING: Consuming this product could harm you in some way. We are not at liberty to say in what way, because several of the words we would use to describe the harm could be seen as trigger words. In fact, we apologize for using the word trigger just now. If you feel harmed by the word trigger, we would like to apologize. We would also like to apologize for apologizing, we know that that is something that also triggers. There we go with trigger again, we are so sorry. Ok, we just talked to headquarters, we've decided to close the U.S. Bottling factories and only make and sell our products in Mexico from now on. Can you please put this bottle down now and pretend you never saw it. Thank you. — "Endless" West Evans, Atlanta, GA
On water: WARNING: Over-consumption may cause death. Please drink responsibly. Under-consumption may cause death. Please drink responsibly. — Kristen S., Alexandria, VA
You're a consumer in a free country, do your own research and stop whining. — Chewyrugger
WARNING: The indiscriminate use of warning labels can be addictive to low-level bureaucrats. — Jonathan Halsey, Center Harbor, NH
WARNING: Purple crayons don't taste like grape. — Bill Ravdin, San Francisco, CA
WARNING: This product was manufactured by a profit-seeking enterprise. — Edward Cox, Austin, TX
CAUTION: San Franciscans are less tolerant than they appear. — Robert Goodman, Bronx, NY