Reason Weekly Contest: Clarify a Sexual Consent Policy

Last week's winners revealed.

Dreamstime

Welcome back to the Reason Weekly Contest! This week's question is:

The University of Minnesota has drafted an affirmative consent policy that it hopes will make its "Yes Means Yes" policy clearer. One provision is "…where there is confusion about the state of consent, sexual activity must stop until both parties consent again." Please come up with another (printable!) provision.

How to enter: Submissions should be e-mailed to [e-mail]. Please include your name, city, and state. This week, kindly type "CONSENT" in the subject line. Entries are due by 11 p.m. Eastern Time, Monday, July 20. Winners will appear Friday, July 24, right here at Reason.com.

In the case of identical or similar entries, the first one received gets credit. First prize is a one-year digital subscription to Reason magazine, plus bragging rights. While we appreciate kibbitzing in the comments below, you must email your answer to enter the contest. Feel free to enter more than once, and good luck!

And now for the results of last week's contest: We asked you to come up with a campaign slogan for Bernie Sanders.

THE WINNER: Hair you can trust. — Walter Leitgeb, Bellows Falls, VT

SECOND PLACE: If you like your neighbor's stuff, you can keep your neighbor's stuff. — Charles G. Kessler, III, Birmingham, AL

THIRD PLACE:

I'm not Hillary. — Jim Noble, Boulder Creek, CA

 

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

Everything you liked about Ron Paul but with higher taxes! — Nathan Norris, Springfield, Mo

Why vote for a grandmother when you can have a nanny? — Alexander Stubbe, Manitowoc, WI

It's not Communism! It's CAN-unism! — Brit Ward, Farmington, NM

Socialism: This time will be different. — John McKearn, Juno beach, FL

Less Deodorant, More Taxes — James Van Damme, Plano, TX

Sharing Is Caring — Dennis Bazdell, Hudson,WI

Everything for everyone, from everyone else. — Richard Gustafson, Phoenix, AZ

When you need a real Democrat, only an Independent will do. — Alex Parrish, Harrisonburg, VA

From the people who brought you Howard Dean — Bill Butler, Colchester, VT

Multiplying wealth by dividing it — Fred Sebastian, Franklin TN

Change you can pay for — Steve Foster, Lower Merion, PA

Because you don't need a choice of 23 different candidates. — Ken McMaster, Canberra, ACT, Australia

"I'm not an economist, but …" — Jonny Bahk-Halberg, Seoul, Korea

One People, One Nation, One Deodorant! — T. Christopher Brown, Cleveland Heights, OH

At Least I'm Not Trump! — Susan Montgomery, Philadelphia, PA

Making choice of ice cream flavors less confusing. — James Grady, Colorado Springs, CO

Bernie Sanders: Putting the You in Utopia! — Andy Johnson, Baton Rouge, La.

You DID build that.  You just don't get to keep it. — Robert Ryan

Cherry Garcia in every Pot — Warren Meyer, Phoenix, AZ

Comments

[A Self-Identified $park?]

The statements "just the tip" and "just a taste" do not qualify as full consent.

[Irish ?s ESB]

Man, last week's winners were weak.

"where there is confusion about the state of consent, sexual activity must stop until both parties consent again"

Holy shit, that's funny. I don't know if anyone's going to be able to top it.

[PapayaSF]

And they passed over mine!

"We need more than $18 trillion dollars of debt."

I think they missed the subtle comic ambiguity.

[Dark Lord of the wood chipper]

"Please come up with another (printable!) provision"

That might be a bridge too far.

[Pro Libertate]

Just for the record, Bernie and the Debts was better than all of those. I understand the rules, I'm just making a statement of fact.

[Citizen X]

As funny as my submissions were (none of which even got an honorable mention, wtf?) i have to agree that Bernie and the Debts was gold.

[Pro Libertate]

I had a weird Elton John moment. It's something that happens when you grow up in the 70s.

[Pro Libertate]

To be fair, I didn't submit it, I just said it in the comments. Someone should've stolen it, though.

[Pro Libertate]

Consensus interruptus. What do I win, Johnny?

[Swiss Servator, rudert schwer!]

Departing contestants will receive Rice-A-Roni, the San Francisco treat!

[Almanian - TRUMP THIS]

You get to jerk off in the shitter and we won't interrupt. Go. Now.

[Woodchippin' 4 Jesus]

Affirmative consent? I need my fucking lawyer

[Idle Hands]

While consenting it's important to make conscience your consenting consent for intercourse and not limiting your consent to naked planking.

[JW]

"Yes means tractors: Turnip! Buttocks!"

[Mainer2]

Tractors ? Traktor Pullz ?

[Pro Libertate]

Consent withdrawal after female orgasm by the female student is permitted; however, the male student may lodge a protest with the committee. The foregoing does not apply when the sexual relations do not involve males and females.

[Rasilio]

Wait, after the female orgasm?

So if you don't make her cum she can't revoke consent?

Premature ejaculators everywhere are cheering

[Pro Libertate]

No, this is just confirming the right of the female to finish without letting the male finish. Consent can be withdrawn by the female in a heterosexual copulation at any time and for any reason, including after ten years have passed.

[gaoxiaen]

I couldn't hear her revoke consent because her panties were stuffed into her mouth.

[Pro Libertate]

All consents to sexual activity must be in writing, with two witnesses and notarized by a licensed notary public not a party to the sexual activity.

[Swiss Servator, rudert schwer!]

"Stop, in the Name of Love!"

[Almanian - TRUMP THIS]

WHOA!

*eyes Switzy verrrry carefully - from a distance*

[Almanian - TRUMP THIS]

STOP! In the name of love!

[Idle Hands]

whats with the double post? Oh never mind.

[Restor-woodchipper-as]

Seems you were Trumped!

[Swiss Servator, rudert schwer!]

*arches eyebrow*

[In League with the Dark Ones]

Almanian and Swiss came (up with the same joke) at the same time?

[Migrant Log Chipper]

Vulcan Mind Meld FTW.

[Pan Zagloba]

Thank you, Lenore. With that pic and alt text, we are all winners. Except jesse. And any hypothetical female libertarians who don't swing that way (not that there are any female etc).

[Citizen X]

New Lobster Girl?

[Pan Zagloba]

Nah, Lobster Girl had genuine spark about her that's hard to replicate.

[Citizen X]

Maybe she and Lobster Girl could be roommates?

[Rasilio]

Please go on you have my full attention

[Citizen X]

Sorry, i was in my bunk. What's up?

[Anomalous]

I'm picturing the pillow fight now.

[commodious spittoon]

At this point, what prevents one or the other or both participants from simply lying about the entire exchange? Because it really seems like that's where we're headed: trust is no longer something implicated by behavior but enforced by threat of legal repudiation, meaning partners need take less caution with one another rather than more. In a culture already defined by overnight hookups, what could be worse than giving young men and women the impression that their actions will be sanctified if they're first to contact the counselors the following morning? So lie away, you've nothing to lose.

[Pro Libertate]

Oh, wait, consent in these situations is implied. Right. False alarm, everyone, moving on to banning sex with Confederate flags.

[Grand Moff Serious Man]

Introducing the Bang Buddy System: in which an unbiased volunteer from the Office of Gender Equality will watch the sexual encounter in order to make sure consent is properly maintained throughout and will, if necessary, interrupt sexual contact until consent is properly reestablished.

[Pro Libertate]

And, of course, can act on a substitute basis upon request and the payment of special fees.

[Trshmnstr doesn't recycle]

All forms must be returned in triplicate to the Office of Student Safety along with a notarized copy of the consent log, proof of the consummation of the contract, and a cheek swab from each participant. If the consent log is not properly signed and notarized for each minute of the alleged consensual conduct, it will not be accepted. Any positions besides Missionary require a signed and notarized Addendum V certifying that all participants have been properly licensed and have attended the "Safe Sex: Expert Level" training. Any sex acts not involving the traditional genitalia require submission of a signed and notarized Advanced consent form, including each participant verifying that they have received the "Lubrication and Hygiene" pamphlet.

[Danimals]

Mine was better than these.

Bernie Sanders: "Smell Natural."

[Notorious G.K.C.]

Oh, baby, you can do me
In the manner specified in Section 4(c).

So let's get together and have some fun
Subject to the proviso in Section 5(b)(1).

But please take note of the cunnilingus clause
Which is to be construed in accordance with local laws.

[lap83]

I like it

[Chipper Woods]

THE WINNER: Hair you can trust.

That is one of the worst submissions. But I resolve to stay chipper!

[PapayaSF]

No, it's good. Part of the gag is the implicit reference to Trump's hair.

[cavalier973]

"Where there is confusion about the state of consent, please consult the attached 'hotness/financial status matrix chart. If you fall within the 'friggin hot' and/or ''friggin rich' section of the chart, proceed with the sexual encounter until you orgasm. If yo are within the 'somewhat attractive' sector AND you have prospects for a steady job, then proceed with the sexual encounter until your partner orgasms, at which point you must get verbal consent before you may orgasm. If you are female, you are automatically assumed to have your partner's consent at all points during the sexual encounter, provided that your partner is male."

[cavalier973]

"If you fall outside either of the 'hotness' or 'financially acceptable' sectors, immediately cease all sexual activity and contact campus security to receive your sentence for sexual assault."

[Pinky]

"In the event of forcible entry reasonable suspicion of ongoing destruction of evidence will be an affirmative defense against any accusation of withdrawn consent if the penis is a law enforcement officer."

[Mainer2]

Those glasses really give her the naughty librarian look.

"You've got a lot of overdue books, Mister !"

[Swiss Servator, rudert schwer!]

Go on...

[Mainer2]

In the running for Hall of Fame:

Bernie and the Debts

and from the Greek financial crisis contest

Acropolis Now.....that one still makes me giggle.

[jester]

If sexual activity stops then that implies it happened. I'd say you have nothing to lose at that point.

[Crusty Juggler]

The Refractory Period.

[Protagoronus]

Everyone has to carry a churrascaria dowl. Activity can continue if green is up.

[Free Society]

Who exactly is doing the judging on these entries? I would like to unsubscribe from their newsletter.

[BuSab Agent]

Buy one of these and give the keys to your lawyer.

[BuSab Agent]

Dang Sugarfreed the link

[BuSab Agent]

NSFW

[AlmightyJB]

If at any time either or both parties are actual enjoying it, it's probably rape.

[veritas lux mea]

All sexual activities must be witnessed and recorded by an independent third party to ensure consent.

[The Libertarian Laird]

... and if consent is still not clear, the video can be distributed for further consensus.

[Rt. Hon. Judge Woodrow Chipper]

where there is confusion about the state of consent, sexual activity must stop until both parties consent again.

All sexual activity must be recorded on sound-enabled video to ensure that continual, unconfused consent was given otherwise you're a liar.

[veritas lux mea]

Recordings should be publicly posted on the internet for the purpose of erm...

Accountability and transparency.

[Cute Little Bunny Rabbit]

Darn, I was sure mine would at least get an honorable mention:

The Green Mountain Statist.

[Chazwald]

Any activities requiring the use of safe words are explicitly prohibited.

[Woodchippin' 4 Jesus]

Affirmative consent? I need my fucking lawyer 🙂

[JusWit778]

Lets roll it over the hill dude.

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