Reason Weekly Contest: Begin a 'Viral' Moral Panic Facebook Post

Last week's winners revealed.

An Oklahoma woman's Facebook-post-gone-viral tells of her being followed around Hobby Lobby by a middle-aged lady who was clearly about to abduct her for the purposes of sex trafficking. Proof? The lady made the author of the Facebook post feel uncomfortable.

Come up with the opening sentence of the next "helpful warning" Facebook post to go viral.

How to enter: Submissions should be e-mailed to [e-mail]. Please include your name, town, and state. This week, kindly type "VIRAL" in the subject line. Entries are due by 11 p.m. Eastern Time, Monday, June 15. Winners will appear Friday, June 19, right here at Reason.com.

In the case of identical or similar entries, the first one received gets credit. First prize is a one-year digital subscription to Reason magazine, plus bragging rights. While we appreciate kibbitzing in the comments below, you must email your answer to enter the contest. Feel free to enter more than once, and good luck!

And now for the results of last week's contest. We asked you to decide what the letters TSA really stand for. You replied:

FIRST PRIZE: Touching Somebody's Ass — Donald Greer

SECOND PLACE: Toothpaste Suggests Agitator — Eric Smith

THIRD PLACE: Take Sodas Away — Gary Forman

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

Totally Superfluous Agency — Kenneth Schaefer, Carrollton, TX

Tyranny's Steadfast Ally — Curt Gilman, Phoenix, AZ

Taking Security Anally — James Quigley

Theater of Security Absurdities — Coby Wholeben, St Augustine, FL     

Trained Sodomy Administrators — Paul Darr, San Antonio, TX

Tax-funded Sexual Assault — Jamie Wilborn, Portsmouth, VA

Teaching Submission to Americans — Bill Cushing, Glendale, CA

Theatre of Safety Assurance — Michael Harbour, L.O., OR

Terrorists Slipping Away — Mary Wilborn, Portsmouth, VA

Time to Squeeze Asses — Derek W. Logue, Reform Advocate

Terrorist Scarecrow Administration — Dean Peterson

Comments

[Fist of Etiquette]

You won't believe what almost happened to my kids at the pool when some suspicious, scantily-clad person was watching their every move from an elevated chair...

[sloopyinTEXAS]

Dear Penthouse Highlights: you're never going to believe this, but...

[Swiss Servator, Holzhacker]

*opera applause*

[ballegooijenyves]

Start working at home with Google! It's by-far the best job I've had. Last Wednesday I got a brand new BMW since getting a check for $6474 this - 4 weeks past. I began this 8-months ago and immediately was bringing home at least $77 per hour. I work through this link, go? to tech tab for work detail,,,,,,,

????????????? http://www.pay-buzz.com

[Rt. Hon. Judge Woodrow Chipper]

Begin a 'Viral' Moral Hazard Facebook Post

OK.

A New York judge walks into a wood chipper.

Oh, wait, that's the beginning of a joke, not a viral derpbook post.

[Chipperkiin - Wooden Born]

The party van will be arriving shorty.

[Rasilio]

This judge overstepped her legal authority and issued an unpopular ruling, wait till you see what happened when she went to the garden supply store

[Rt. Hon. Judge Woodrow Chipper]

lol

[Chumby]

She wanted to buy blood meal for the plants, not become it.

[Brochettaward]

This comment section isn't going to end well.

[Paul.]

Maybe we should make the thread a place of silent reflection?

[UnCivilServant]

Screw that.

[Pompey]

Hey I wanted to ask you a question. Is there a good way to do that outside of here?

By the way, did you end up contacting that lady artist I pointed you to for your fiction cover art? More recently, she is responsible for the aesthetic reboot of My Little Pony.

[UnCivilServant]

She politely declined, citing workload. My cousin did the first two covers, but he's hard to get in contact with.

I am transitioning to a new cover artist who I am able to collaborate with more directly and rapidly.

[Pompey]

OK, interesting. Anyway, I wanted to lodge a separate inquiry to you in private, regarding another professional matter. Is that alright with you?

[UnCivilServant]

As long as hearing the inquiry comes with no obligation, I'll listen.

[Pompey]

Oh of course not, it's an inquiry about a gov't of New York State IT-related matter. Just looking for a pointer, if you think you readily have a pointer for me. No expectation of research either.

[Pompey]

Just want to pick your brain is all.

[UnCivilServant]

Go ahead and ask. (Do you still have contact information? )

[Pompey]

Afraid I've forgotten how we communicated last time. Should I drop my email address in my profile here temporarily?

[UnCivilServant]

just email me at scribe at evcombine dot net

[Charles Easterly]

I would Paul, but I left my mirror in El Segundo nex to my wallet.

[Swiss Servator, Holzhacker]

DAMN YOU, NOW THAT SONG IS STUCK IN MY HEAD!

[Charles Easterly]

I just noticed that I left a "t" somewhere as well ("nex" instead of "next").

[Paul.]

My sensitive feelings are hurt after last week's contest. I just may not participate...

[Charles Easterly]

I am impressed by the ones they posted, and thought most of them were quite good.

If your submission was not listed, do you mind posting it here?

[Fist of Etiquette]

Remember when you purchase pants online that UPS workers (who are not government-certified) have your home address, your inseam measurement and eventually your signature...

[UnCivilServant]

Fisty, UPS doesn't know the contents of the boxes, just the metadata, ie that you ordered from "exotic leather trousers inc" and it weighed five pounds.

[jesse.in.mb]

5 pounds!

That's almost his entire weight. Have you asked him about his BMI recently?

[Fist of Etiquette]

It doesn't change.

[Irish Says Enough Woodchippers]

The problem with only doing the opening sentence is that most of these actually start with a really short, staccato sentence meant to imply breathless urgency.

"TODAY WAS A REAL EYE OPENER!"

"MY GOD, I NEVER THOUGHT THIS COULD HAPPEN TO ME'

"WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT BAKING A CAKE FOR STEVE SMITH COULD HAVE ENDED SO RAPILY"

And so on.

[Swiss Servator, Rising]

STEVE SMITH LIKE RAPE-CAKE!

[The Shrubber's Woodchipper]

They all do.

[Irish Says Enough Woodchippers]

BEFORE I SPOKE TO A LOCAL POLICE OFFICER, I NEVER WOULD HAVE KNOWN THE SECRET WAY TELETUBBIES WAS USED TO LURE SMALL CHILDREN INTO TRANSNATIONAL SEX TRAFFICKING RINGS.

[Irish Says Enough Woodchippers]

READ THIS QUICKLY IF YOU VALUE THE FIGHT AGAINST TERRORISM: DUE TO ISIS'S CONTROL OF IRAQI TOBACCO PLANTATIONS, EVERY TIME YOU SMOKE A CIGARETTE YOU ARE FINANCIALLY SUPPORTING THE ISLAMIC STATE!

[Rt. Hon. Judge Woodrow Chipper]

Seems like Lenore's out of contest ideas already.

[Grand Moff Serious Man]

Living statues; we think they are harmless if a little creepy but after taking a jog through the park last Sunday morning I would never be the same again.

[The Last American Hero]

Whatever you do. Don't blink.

[adolphowisner]

My best friend's step-mother makes $85 hourly on the computer . She has been fired from work for nine months but last month her pay check was $17089 just working on the computer for a few hours. see it here
LINK HERE?????? http://www.BuzzReport20.com

[The Shrubber's Woodchipper]

^^winner^^

[Swiss Servator, Rising]

Tyranny's Steadfast Ally was really very good.

Just so you know, a helpful warning to those who will comment on Reason's Hit & Run. You may be the subject of a subpoena from a Federal ADA!

OT: I called into the office....thought, "oh man, now what?!" Apparently my Swiss Masters have appreciated my work in the R?sti mines enough to promote me from 'servant' to 'lackey'. I might have enough to make a donation to Reason this year...

[Florida Man]

Swiss Lackey? It doesn't have alliteration.

[The Last American Hero]

Keep it up, sir, and one day you may even make Henchman.

[UnCivilServant]

I'm not sure Switzy has what it takes to be a first class Henchman. Maybe a third class Henchperson...

[Swiss Servator, Holzhacker]

Henschmensch, Dritte Klasse!

[Warty]

I got a good one: A comment on here prompts a federal subpoena! ...Nah, nobody would believe it.

[Grand Moff Serious Man]

"I made anonymous comments critical of a Federal judge on a libertarian blog. I thought that would be the end of it, I thought I was safe; I thought wrong."

[Charles Easterly]

Nice.

[Chipperkiin - Wooden Born]

TSA - Tongue-blasting the State's Anal-fetish

[Rufus J. Firefly]

"Submissions should be e-mailed to [e-mail]. Please include your name, town, and state. This week, kindly type "VIRAL" in the subject line. Entries are due by 11 p.m. Eastern Time, Monday, June 15. Winners will appear Friday, June 19, right here at Reason.com."

Riiiiight. And lead the DOJ black shirts straight to my house to steal my new woodchipper?

No joke is worth that, man.

[Loves Big Brother Kristen]

Srsly. Not gonna give my name out like dat.

[Rufus J. Firefly]

Plus...I got nothing.

[Charles Easterly]

The one time I entered I used a fictitious name, and for my address I put the coordinates of the "Bloop" where Cthulhu is said to dwell.

[Rt. Hon. Judge Woodrow Chipper]

Who knew Lenore was a confederate?

[lafe.long]

Lessee how many actually participate...

The effect could be chilling.

[Grand Moff Serious Man]

The pungent smell of alcohol mixed with the feminine scent of a nubile teenage girl was the only thing keeping me from fainting when I open the trash can in the laundry room one morning to discover a vodka-soaked tampon.

[sloopyinTEXAS]

B+

The vodka-soaked tampon needed to be sitting on top of a deep-dish pizza box.

[Florida Man]

Is this teen, 18? Cause that's HAWT! 17 and under is NAWT.

[jesse.in.mb]

I didn't expect Florida to be an 18 age of consent state.

[UnCivilServant]

I expected it to be closer to 50.

[jesse.in.mb]

That's kinda young for Florida's population, no?

[Florida Man]

You sons of bitches. Also, once you go grey, you never...

[Notorious G.K.C.]

stray?

[UnCivilServant]

...say?

[Swiss Servator, Holzhacker]

are fey?

say "oy vey"?

go ghey?

pursue prey?

[Swiss Servator, Holzhacker]

pay?

[Florida Man]

I've got to give it to Eddie. Congratulations.

[SimonJester]

admit your gay?

have to pay?

want another lay?

get outta the hay?

visit a fresher bay?

see the light of day?

[Chumby]

leave Tampa Bay

[Galactic Chipper Cdr Lytton]

Lenore Skenazy throws Gillespie's memo into the No. 701 Chippomatic.

"Now, what should I do for the contest this week?"

[Scarecrow & WoodChipper Repair]

Terrorist Scarecrow Administration ? Dean Peterson

I can fix that! I have recently branched out the franchise and have just the equipment.

[All-Chipping Monocle]

Needs to be the opening 2 sentences.

[MSimon]

Beware of The Sex Trafficking Hobby. Don't Hang Out In The Lobby.

[HazelMeade]

Scary Black Guy looking at kids at pool is ACTUALLY WHITE.

[Sigivald]

"BE AWARE! If your food's UPC has ten digits that means it contains BLACK MAGIC! Foods containing only non-supernatural ingredients or white magic have nine digits."

[DenverChipper]

I was going to send my daughter to college, until I found out this shocking fact! 100 % of women who go to college get raped!

[PusaAtDaga]

I was at the Plunderdome reading Charlotte's Web and eating some Little Doobie Snack Cakes when I looked up to see a judge touching somebody's ass.

[lap83]

nice

[howeines]

i buy almost everything except food and clothing from online auctions most people aren't aware of the almost I unbelievable deals that they can get from online auction sites the site that has the best deals is
BEST DEAL HERE (??) http://WWW.PROFIT-REVIEW.COM

[Chumby]

YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE WHAT ME AND MY FELLOW OFFICERS WERE ABLE TO GET AWAY WITH AFTER WE DISABLED ALL THE CAMERAS AT THE UNSANCTIONED POT DISPENSARY WE RAIDED EARLIER TODAY.

[kotihepur]

Google pay 97$ per hour my last pay check was $8500 working 1o hours a week online. My younger brother friend has been averaging 12k for months now and he works about 22 hours a week. I cant believe how easy it was once I tried it out.
This is wha- I do...... ?????? http://www.netcash5.com

[xapeluxari]

Google pay 97$ per hour my last pay check was $8500 working 1o hours a week online. My younger brother friend has been averaging 12k for months now and he works about 22 hours a week. I cant believe how easy it was once I tried it out.
This is wha- I do...... ?????? http://www.netcash5.com

[reyepaki]

Google pay 97$ per hour my last pay check was $8500 working 1o hours a week online. My younger brother friend has been averaging 12k for months now and he works about 22 hours a week. I cant believe how easy it was once I tried it out.
This is wha- I do...... ?????? http://www.netcash5.com